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  1. #1
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Default NFJ: Not Done Being Angry Yet

    After a nasty argument with someone I really care about, I have to walk it off. I have to remove myself. I get accused of sulking, bearing a grudge or being a martyr which only makes me feel more marginalized. Like "calm down". Or "you're being dramatic".

    I *must* be understood. And if I feel that I'm speaking to someone who doesn't care to hear me clearly, I get even more frustrated and off-balance. Being a primary F causes me to think that my feelings are less valid than other peoples', especially in a fight. Like I'm not being taken seriously.

    My ENFP twin seems to be able to get out of an angry mood after a fight a LOT faster than me. I feel like I have to remove myself and let my feelings balance back out, and process what happened. That's when I'm usually told I'm sulking. I'm sort of just sitting there processing, not plotting ways to get the person back or nursing a bad attitude. I'd rather get it over with as soon as possible, but I seem to require X amount of time to settle down.

    Is this an Fi vs. Fe difference? Do other NFJs need time to clear their heads, and if they don't get that time, feel resentful?

    The intensity of my feelings can be almost choking sometimes.

  2. #2
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    My GF (INFJ) sure does. We don't have heated arguments very often, but when we do, she needs a bit of downtime to process. The problem is, my natural inclination is to get her out of it by continuing to try to talk it out. I've learned not to do that as much though in the past year and a half living together. If I have pissed her off to that point, I steer clear and she'll eventually come back, and that's when I usually get to make my apologies and explanations.

  3. #3
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Interesting. How long does she usually need? I take up to an hour sometimes, depending on the throw-down I've just endured.

    You could take her for an orange julius in the food court.

  4. #4
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    An hour? I'm lucky if I usually get any acknowledgment the rest of the night.

    Keep in mind, this is a rare situation, but if she has gotten heated about something, it usually takes till at least the next day for us to be able to talk about it. Again, I've learned quite a bit about how far is too far, but I do still go there sometimes when I am feeling feisty.

    And, alas, in this economy, we've had to put off such luxurys as Orange Julii.

  5. #5
    Wild Card Atomic Fiend's Avatar
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    It depends on the argument really. In an hour however, yeah I'm usually okay, however it isn't wise to speak to me before that.

  6. #6
    unscannable Tigerlily's Avatar
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    Giving yourself time after a knockdowndragout is always a good idea. I am not a card carrying grudge member but I do need a bit of time to think things through after most clashes. I find that when I react immediately, I pretty much fuck things up and likely cause the other person (usually another feeler) to be unforgiving. I think the problem (if any) that a person can have with me is that I am a myriad of types due to my surroundings so I can be difficult for some people to get along with. Anyway I am pretty chill at the end of it all as long as the person on the other end has the ability to communicate. communication is key people!

    edit: an hour is way too short however i tend to be more forgiving if i am annoyed at my spouse. he's just too damn sexy for me to stay mad at. ;P
    Time is a delicate mistress.

  7. #7
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    my anger last about as long as a sparkler...it burns hot and fast and then it's over...i wish i could stay mad longer...it just requires effort to stay mad...it's like i just automatically revert to my happy state of mind.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  8. #8
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    Interesting. How long does she usually need? I take up to an hour sometimes, depending on the throw-down I've just endured.
    Oh my! An hour doesn't seem very long!!! *sheepish*

    I can't exactly relate to the anger part, as anger - in a raw sense most people speak of when speaking of anger - is something I don't display much at all. Irritation, yes, but I don't cross over much more of a threshold than that.

    But speaking of emotions in general, I can relate very much to needing down time to process things. 'Processing things' is my middle name, haha. I just need time to myself to think, to integrate, to calm down, to clear my head. I need that down time to re-center myself so as to approach the topic or conversation in a clear-headed manner. If I don't get that down time, and am 'forced' to talk through it, it's very hard for me to do so, because I can't verbalize anything, or might not know myself what's going on, until I get that time alone to sort things out. In other words -- I can't sort through in a productive manner on the spot.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  9. #9
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    I know what she may be feeling, Penguin. Arguing with people I care nothing for = w/e. Arguing with my inner circle = awful roiling mess in my heart that I have to clean up.

    I go to great lengths to prevent things from reaching critical stage, of course. I hate fighting! But when you finally get on each others' nerves about something, or peoples' fuses are short, and a fight is inevitable, I just HAVE to get off alone and cool down. I envy my sister's short cooling time. My Fe makes my head feel like it's on fire, even if I don't want it to.

    Perhaps you P functions have an edge on us.

    *slips you a tenner* Take the lady out. My treat.


    Wow - thanks for the input you guys! I feel less alone!

  10. #10
    unscannable Tigerlily's Avatar
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    pps: i think i get along best with P types since there usually more laid back. they seem less worried about trivial things and i like that.
    Time is a delicate mistress.

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