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  1. #51
    Junior Member pure_sterling's Avatar
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    We NEED it to recover our composure. Period.

    I too get tired of being accused of "grudge-holding" or "sulking" or "insert insult from someone who doesn't need time to process strong reactions." It's for EVERYONE'S benefit that we walk away because we know ourselves best and know that we need to
    .

    I don't realy understand why this is. I've had a couple of disagreements with friends that have gone down like this. They seem to think that the absoute healthiest way to deal with any situation is to talk about it immediatly. I seem to keep having to explian to them that I need time to sort out my thoughts for myself so I can effectivly communicate with them. Raw unfiltered emotions can be realy dangerous things, this process is realy to protect the both of us. I definatly think that when someone asks for time between an incident and trying to resolve the conflict it should be respected.

  2. #52
    Senior Member Dwigie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    After a nasty argument with someone I really care about, I have to walk it off. I have to remove myself. I get accused of sulking, bearing a grudge or being a martyr which only makes me feel more marginalized. Like "calm down". Or "you're being dramatic".

    I *must* be understood. And if I feel that I'm speaking to someone who doesn't care to hear me clearly, I get even more frustrated and off-balance. Being a primary F causes me to think that my feelings are less valid than other peoples', especially in a fight. Like I'm not being taken seriously.

    My ENFP twin seems to be able to get out of an angry mood after a fight a LOT faster than me. I feel like I have to remove myself and let my feelings balance back out, and process what happened. That's when I'm usually told I'm sulking. I'm sort of just sitting there processing, not plotting ways to get the person back or nursing a bad attitude. I'd rather get it over with as soon as possible, but I seem to require X amount of time to settle down.

    Is this an Fi vs. Fe difference? Do other NFJs need time to clear their heads, and if they don't get that time, feel resentful?

    The intensity of my feelings can be almost choking sometimes.
    Yes! It's so annoying sometimes. It's like you're carrying a bag of little rocks 24/7. The thoughts are just obtrusive. I could be at a party and something just rings a negative bell. I try to avoid these situations altogether because I've got a wild imagination and "connection-making" system.
    Great for English reports, not so great for real life problems.
    I wish I could be like my sister: easy come easy go!
    (she's also an ENFP). I'm a big sulker-grudge holder-etc...
    Same here I don't talk until seven hours at least after I'm in a real argument or I just "choke" in emotion. one day she got me so mad I literally "choked" in anger and she got so scared she ran away. I barely had time to say anything Hilarious, but very ugly to see.
    Do not get XFJ mad.
    Sometimes I feel like I'm "on Mercury"-

  3. #53
    Charting a course
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    I can't think about certain people, even years afterward. Because I get just as angry as I was the day they f**ked me over.

    And I want to totally destroy them physically and emotionally, all over again. And then I walk around in a crappy mood the rest of the day.

  4. #54
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by prplchknz View Post
    i don't think I'd like being able to stay mad because the rare occasions i do it really effects me negativly I tend to not sleep and i have no appetite. I mean I can't see why anyone would want that. Also I tend to be very avoidant if I think someone's mad about something, I think this is because my mom's an NFJ and when she's mad its best to let her cool off. and in the past she'll be mad at someone and I'll be like I need this signed for tommorow and then she'll go off on me, and I'm like
    oh...i only wish i could stay mad if the situation warrants it. actually i often know...i should still be mad about something...but i just don't care anymore...i remember times where i would leave the room because i was mad and totally forget why i was even in mad in the first place...that's not cool...it let's people get away with stuff....i think i have the mind set of...is it bad enough to never talk to you again? nope? okay...well forget it then because this being mad business is wearnin me down....and...i don't believe in scoldng so much...i just evaluate something as acceptable or not...and make a decision...how weird! i'm weird! that's weird!
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  5. #55
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    no i relate to what you said. but the way I see it is if I'm not mad, then it probably wasn't that big of a deal and life goes on and on and on and on until the next thing something happens.
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  6. #56
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    Now that I think about it, ENFJ are about the only people I have got mad at, and I only get mad at them for getting mad at me. All the way up until about 20, I can only remember maybe 2 or 3 times actually getting really mad.

  7. #57
    Junior Member pure_sterling's Avatar
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    oh...i only wish i could stay mad if the situation warrants it. actually i often know...i should still be mad about something...but i just don't care anymore...i remember times where i would leave the room because i was mad and totally forget why i was even in mad in the first place...that's not cool...it let's people get away with stuff....i think i have the mind set of...is it bad enough to never talk to you again? nope? okay...well forget it then because this being mad business is wearnin me down....and...i don't believe in scoldng so much...i just evaluate something as acceptable or not...and make a decision...how weird! i'm weird! that's weird!

    I have the tendency to do the same thing but I've found that sometimes letting people get away with all the small stuff that doesn't realy bother me so much can lead to people thinking that the ill-never-talk-to-you-again stuff is alright. I still havn't fingured out how to balance that.

  8. #58
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    After a nasty argument with someone I really care about, I have to walk it off. I have to remove myself. I get accused of sulking, bearing a grudge or being a martyr which only makes me feel more marginalized. Like "calm down". Or "you're being dramatic"...
    That is difficult when that happens because you can get cornered so that there is nothing you can say that is right. When people say those things, I suspect they are describing what they would be thinking/feeling in the same setting. That is actually a strangely consistent principle.

    It can be a little more difficult for people who prefer closure to deal with these communication mishaps because in a way they aren't ever fully resolved. For me things are better with my loved one, but there is a little part of me that is concerned it could happen again. I don't want to hold on to a piece of it like that because i prefer to have the courage to actually forget and dive in fearlessly again with full peace. For myself or others, there is a point to just let go and realize people are complex and unpredictable and whatever is going to happen is on its way. Although I have to remind myself of that *alot*.
    Last edited by labyrinthine; 03-07-2009 at 04:48 PM. Reason: removed a personal account
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  9. #59
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    Wow...I wonder how much of how I experience and process anger is more like an XNFJ than an ENFP? The responses so far have been eye opening.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux

    Johari/Nohari

  10. #60
    Filthy Apes! Kalach's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    it takes me a while. i need to get away from the person (object!) more so to free myself from their feelings than mine. they seep into me and i can't stop them. i feel how they feel so strongly and i know their view cannot encompass my own original feelings, and i get so frustrated it's like bottle up and explode. i just get tense and they start reflecting off of me and shooting out everywhere like stray bullets.
    Have I seen a better immediate description of Fe?

    i need to get away so i can know how i truly feel (in my silence), slowly and deliberately and without noise and corruption imagine them and how they truly feel, let it sift thru Ni, then i have a much much better chance to know what to do. as an infj Ti also helps unpack overlook details and analogies that help shed light. but if i'm really upset there's virtually no chance i'll be able to sleep that night without intoxicants.
    ...or Ni?


    State, that was fabulous.





    Ooo, now I want to back away... I'm hardly the expert, so I can't be the one to call "fabulous", but the descriptions rang out true like a bell... from this INTJ perspective.

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