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  1. #1
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    Default infj + infj conflict management?

    Hi folks-

    This is my first post on this site.

    I am one of those rare INFJ males who is in a relationship with another INFJ female.

    There are many reasons why I really like this girl, and we are certainly never bored. We have a lot of potential, I feel.

    One concern that I have is regarding conflict management. It seems that we both are very melancholy and sensitive to even the slightest intonation of disapproval. We keep having these communication issues. Based on the INFJ type, I'm thinking it is because we are trying to use our intuition to interpret communication, rather than trust the verbal source. However, if we are both relying on body language to sense the feelings of the other, I'm concerned that we will continually pull each other into these downward quagmires. It seems like one person needs to be able to just "shut off" their intuition and say, "No big deal. He/She will get over it." That would help diffuse things. I think we just need a mechanism to signal to both of us: "This is one of those issues. You don't need to worry about the other person's withdrawn attitude right now."

    And how healthy is it anyway, for two INFJs to be so serious? I think we both need to lighten up.

    So I am just hoping someone here has some advice for us. If there are any resources online about two INFJs getting along, that would be great. We certainly must be a very rare mix.

    Also, I found the site from this thread:
    infj-infj-relationships

    Thanks!

  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by infj guy View Post
    Hi folks-

    This is my first post on this site.

    I am one of those rare INFJ males who is in a relationship with another INFJ female.

    There are many reasons why I really like this girl, and we are certainly never bored. We have a lot of potential, I feel.

    One concern that I have is regarding conflict management. It seems that we both are very melancholy and sensitive to even the slightest intonation of disapproval. We keep having these communication issues. Based on the INFJ type, I'm thinking it is because we are trying to use our intuition to interpret communication, rather than trust the verbal source. However, if we are both relying on body language to sense the feelings of the other, I'm concerned that we will continually pull each other into these downward quagmires. It seems like one person needs to be able to just "shut off" their intuition and say, "No big deal. He/She will get over it." That would help diffuse things. I think we just need a mechanism to signal to both of us: "This is one of those issues. You don't need to worry about the other person's withdrawn attitude right now."

    And how healthy is it anyway, for two INFJs to be so serious? I think we both need to lighten up.

    So I am just hoping someone here has some advice for us. If there are any resources online about two INFJs getting along, that would be great. We certainly must be a very rare mix.

    Also, I found the site from this thread:
    infj-infj-relationships

    Thanks!
    I agree that in an INFJ/INFJ relationship, both using intuition to understand rather than the words can be an issue, its something that can be overcome considering that both understand each other well and people in general. Best thing I'd say is that both relax, things will be much happier. At the same time it can be a great thing at certain times, balance is the key. A mechanism should be used, as a signal, definantly, thats a really good idea. How would you do that? I've thought about it maybe, when you want the other person to reply quickly, you could use the word "serious" or "want a reply".

  3. #3
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    the most similar thing i can relate to is infj + intj. Ni dom. transparency is gonna be there, there's no way around it, so you just have to anticipate as much as possible, accept kind of unsettling honesty when it is given with good intention, and let it go when you do not get exactly what you want or you feel unappreciated. you aren't, your expectations can just be a bit high bc of the extreme intensity of your connection and the HUGE amount of information that gets transmitted back and forth between the two of you.

    affectionate gestures that say something along the lines of, it's a simple message and it comes from the heart, will do what you need. you don't have to understand everything if you have faith the other person cares about you deeply.

  4. #4
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    Thanks folks-

    I think we're learning to just trust each other, and that has a lot to do with this. But I am learning to be more active in identifying when things begin to go wrong and stop us both. At first I think it made us uncomfortable, but we both agree this has been helping. It can also be very motivating when we sense that we can overcome problems. The little victories are very enabling and also build trust.

    So things are improving as we learn more about each other.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Winds of Thor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by infj guy View Post
    Thanks folks-

    I think we're learning to just trust each other, and that has a lot to do with this. But I am learning to be more active in identifying when things begin to go wrong and stop us both. At first I think it made us uncomfortable, but we both agree this has been helping. It can also be very motivating when we sense that we can overcome problems. The little victories are very enabling and also build trust.

    So things are improving as we learn more about each other.
    Uhh..how 'bout she gets a username on this site too..then we all be your two's voice of reason..

    I really think you need a voice of reason..but at the same time I understand some things just aren't public domain..so bad idea but I'm attempting to see solutions for you here..

    Another idea is to establish a ground rule with her that you both won't jump to conclusions..in order to take the time necessary for your intuitions to 'get the picture' from your communications..other than that, I see this difficulty you describe and don't know what else might work...perhaps learn to use Ti or even Te..
    "..And the eight and final rule: If this is your first time at Fight Club, you have to fight."
    'Men are meant to be with women. The rest is perversion and mental illness.'

  6. #6
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    It sounds to me like the two of you feel you can (or at least attempt to) "read into" (or intuitively understand, or however you want to word it) each other in a more intense, personal way than is usually normal between two people. This can sometimes lead to unusual incongruencies. Say your relationship is growing at 30 mph, and your ability to read each other is growing at 60 mph, then your ablitity to read will be way ahead of other aspects of the relationship, which can lead to awkward situations. It sounds like you're looking for ways to put the brakes on the "intuition" or "reading into" until your relationship can catch up, which strikes me as very healthy and wise.

    One way is to establish verbal signals. (Stop reading into me now. Listen only to my words.) Another way is to adopt ground rules. (Never try to read into me when I'm angry; just hear my words.) What about handling important conflict via written communication? That way you can each have time to think things over before replying, and there will be less opportunity to try and understand the other person beyond what is actually said.

    In the mean time, you might try making it a habit to unite your intuition-observations with verbal-observations in order to test them and build a habit of accurate communication. For example, when you can tell she's happy, take a moment to state the obvious: "You look happy." Now she knows exactly how you are interpreting her nonverbals. If she's not happy, she can say so. Keep doing it--saying it out loud whenever you think it, and giving her the opportunity to reply--as long as the situation is low-key and unthreatening. It will help her learn to trust that you are interpreting her correctly, and will make sure that she has an opportunity to correct your assumptions should they be mistaken.

  7. #7
    Senior Member SuperServal's Avatar
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    perhaps learn to use Ti or even Te..
    Te?! NOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooo




    Welcome to the site INFJ guy! It's good to know that you and your girlfriend are aware of the potential problems in your relationship and willing to work them out. Awareness and good communication can solve most problems I think.

    What about handling important conflict via written communication? That way you can each have time to think things over before replying, and there will be less opportunity to try and understand the other person beyond what is actually said.
    I agree with this. It seems like if INFJs carefully write then they can organize their spastic thoughts into coherent communication. I think it gives us a chance to drop the Ni and Fe and focus on the Ti. I don't know how familiar you are with the functions but that basically means that careful writing allows INFJs to communicate clearly and understandably and logically.

    I also agree with Faith in matching verbal communication with whatever you intuit. It's totally destroying to an INFJ (at least to me) if what I intuit is wrong....because that's what I rely on so much. In fact, I really need to take Faith's advice there...

    Take care, have fun, and remember to buckle your seat belts kids!
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  8. #8
    Senior Member Winds of Thor's Avatar
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    It's totally destroying to an INFJ (at least to me) if what I intuit is wrong....because that's what I rely on so much. In fact, I really need to take Faith's advice there...

    On that, if pursuing an INFJ, is it best to just tell her how one feels and what one thinks? If not, wouldn't it be frustrating to her to understand intentions...And without telling her one's thoughts, would it be like playing some sort of superficial game?

    I would think it would be better to tell her in open communication one's thoughts..I mean, bantering is fine I imagine, but anything more I would think would be bad..

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    "..And the eight and final rule: If this is your first time at Fight Club, you have to fight."
    'Men are meant to be with women. The rest is perversion and mental illness.'

  9. #9
    Occasional Member Evan's Avatar
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    I think open communication is the only solution. You have to set precedents such that bringing something up will not be punished. You both have to be incredibly open to criticism.

    If not, it will never work.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Avatar7 View Post
    On that, if pursuing an INFJ, is it best to just tell her how one feels and what one thinks? If not, wouldn't it be frustrating to her to understand intentions...And without telling her one's thoughts, would it be like playing some sort of superficial game?

    I would think it would be better to tell her in open communication one's thoughts..I mean, bantering is fine I imagine, but anything more I would think would be bad..

    Reactions?
    I hesitate to give an unqualified "yes" to the idea of free and open verbalization, even though I hold it as an ideal. I can think of several times when my [intp] boyfriend has kept his thoughts/feelings to himself because he understood that I would translate them into emotional obligations and would probably implode. I appreciate this very much. As much as I would like to believe that I'm all-powerful and capable of handling both of our strong emotions without crumbling, I know I'm not. Sometimes, handling my own emotions is all I can manage. When the tempest has passed and I have gotten myself back together again, then I'm free to concentrate on him.

    In a similar way, there are times when I choose not to verbalize my emotions to him because I don't want the situation to be about me. Just because I'm feeling something doesn't mean we have to discuss it.

    Neither of us are hiding the feelings permanently, or out of embarrassment or fear. We mostly just filter them to make sure they're relevant (and/or helpful) to the present situation. Often, we choose to share those feelings at a different time.

    BUT--! If the choice is between communicating thoughts/feelings via words or sending out a thousand emphatic nonverbals and expecting the other one to pick up on them, I favor words. (Often, it seems to help the speaker just to be able to put those things into words and say them aloud.)

    And I agree that both of you should feel free to bring up a topic without fear of punishment. I would see that as a huge red flag, if I felt that way in a relationship.

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