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  1. #1
    nevermore lane777's Avatar
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    Default INFJ's... pushed around/controlled?

    Are some types pushed around more than others? I'm an easy going person who is not easily offended. Sometimes I think others take advantage of this, by giving me their piece of mind, because they know I won't lash out no matter how offensive/condescending the content is. Do other INFJ's experience this? Can you relate in any way?

    I realize that since I am the youngest child, this is probably typical (being treated this way by older siblings), but I've also received this treatment from friends and co-workers. I also realize that the truth is sometimes painful - having your flaws exposed. I don't mind this, as long as I'm confronted in a respectful loving manner... but I rarely am. I'm working on confronting this problem with my family, but how could I have avoided this problem from ever occurring in the first place?
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  2. #2
    Senior Member tibby's Avatar
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    I have Dr Phil's voice echoing in my head : "people treat you the way you let them treat you."

  3. #3
    Senior Member Tiny Army's Avatar
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    Yes and you bring it on yourselves.

    ENFPs are easy going and not easily offended but we're just more proactive about not letting people abuse our warm personalities. INFJs are beautiful, warm, empathic people but my God you are gluttons for punishment. I have seen so many INFJs who only date assholes or whose best friends are total bitches.

    You could have avoided this problem by not being an INFJ child in a family of types that naturally take advantage of that. There's nothing you can do about the past. Stop taking shit from people and if you have taken some serious shit in the past, give me their addresses and I will go over there with a machete. Someone needs get you INFJs away from these people.

  4. #4
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    you an enneagram 9?

    i'm a 5w4 and acerbic enough to avoid this situation. altho i would say that openness and not being neurotic and guarded are probably better qualities. just make sure your feelings don't get lost in the shuffle.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Tiny Army's Avatar
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    YEAH TYPE 5!

    TYPE 7s AIN'T TAKE SHIT FROM NO ONE!

  6. #6
    Senior Member StoryOfMyLife's Avatar
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    Huh... this isn't something that I've really thought too much about before. When it comes to certain people, I'm extremely stubborn and strike out independently before I'll be pushed around or cornered into doing something I don't want to do, or dealing with ill behavior/condescending remarks against me. When I'm angry enough or just in a horrible mood, then I'm quick to lash out with sarcastic remarks [my defense mechanism, always has been] and on occasion, I'll cut the other person to the quick with the most hurtful thing I can think to say. And then I feel awful for it afterward, but that's beside the point.

    However, I do know that there are certain people who DO walk all over me because I just let them. In high school, my best friend was never concerned about anybody but herself. In retrospect, a LOT of my friends back then were more self-concerned than worried about anybody else. This brought me to a lot of situations where when something bothered me, I very rarely was able to talk about it because I'd immediately get cut off with a 'well, back to my problem...' and the conversation would flash back to my friend's issues at hand. I never corrected it, raised a hand and spoke up saying "Hey, quit monopolizing the conversation, it's not all about you." My best friend back then was the queen of making everything about her and getting me to do things I didn't really want to do [when in turn, she almost never would join me in something she was less interested in and just called me weird for wanting to do it in the first place...].

    In the work place, this is also common for me. I don't know if it's just an avoidance of creating problems or a respect for those with seniority over me, but I'm easily pushed around and I deal with a lot of harrassment, even if it is mostly in jest. There are times that I have had my fill, even when I'd laughed at it before because it was funny. When it loses the value of amusement to me, I clam up instead of saying 'hey, cut it out, I'm annoyed by it now.' Sometimes it's just difficult for me to speak my mind. As a child, I was heavily disciplined to never talk back [even though I would still do it], got in trouble if I started crying for anything [called a 'cry baby' and 'tattler' -- only recently have I been able to actually accept that crying isn't a BAD thing], and then later was told that I should be 'more open' with my emotions [by my mom- the same person who disciplined me...] and speak up when something is bothering me.

    Perhaps it's a game of mixed messages and I'm just internally confused on how to handle certain situations like this. Most times, it's a matter of circumstance. I've got to be fed up, pissed off, and moody to lash out and tell somebody where to stick it. Otherwise, I'm patient to an extreme where the most I'll do is sigh, roll my eyes, and vent about it to somebody later.
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  7. #7
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    I'm easy going, not easy to piss off, lenient. But I stand my ground, and don't let people push me around. I shove back.
    It's been an unfortunate surprise for some.

    I don't know if it's a question of type, but about how you're used to.. respond to people. What you've learned and the natural temperament. Sure the NF's in all are probably more empathetic, and so give in easier. But I don't think it's a rule or more prominent among some types.
    But I could be wrong.

  8. #8
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    It happens to me. People will be total douchebags to me and I just try to be "nice" and ignore it. But it ends up really bothering me because I feel like the douchebag "wins."

    This doesn't happen often, but when it does it really sticks out to me. It's usually when someone has really done something insanely stupid and I just try to be nice back. I'm starting to think if something like that happens again I'm going to flip just to see how that works.

    What causes people to think they should treat others so poorly.

  9. #9
    Senior Mugwump Apollanaut's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by StoryOfMyLife View Post
    Huh... this isn't something that I've really thought too much about before. When it comes to certain people, I'm extremely stubborn and strike out independently before I'll be pushed around or cornered into doing something I don't want to do, or dealing with ill behavior/condescending remarks against me. When I'm angry enough or just in a horrible mood, then I'm quick to lash out with sarcastic remarks [my defense mechanism, always has been] and on occasion, I'll cut the other person to the quick with the most hurtful thing I can think to say. And then I feel awful for it afterward, but that's beside the point.

    However, I do know that there are certain people who DO walk all over me because I just let them. In high school, my best friend was never concerned about anybody but herself. In retrospect, a LOT of my friends back then were more self-concerned than worried about anybody else. This brought me to a lot of situations where when something bothered me, I very rarely was able to talk about it because I'd immediately get cut off with a 'well, back to my problem...' and the conversation would flash back to my friend's issues at hand. I never corrected it, raised a hand and spoke up saying "Hey, quit monopolizing the conversation, it's not all about you." My best friend back then was the queen of making everything about her and getting me to do things I didn't really want to do [when in turn, she almost never would join me in something she was less interested in and just called me weird for wanting to do it in the first place...].

    In the work place, this is also common for me. I don't know if it's just an avoidance of creating problems or a respect for those with seniority over me, but I'm easily pushed around and I deal with a lot of harrassment, even if it is mostly in jest. There are times that I have had my fill, even when I'd laughed at it before because it was funny. When it loses the value of amusement to me, I clam up instead of saying 'hey, cut it out, I'm annoyed by it now.' Sometimes it's just difficult for me to speak my mind. As a child, I was heavily disciplined to never talk back [even though I would still do it], got in trouble if I started crying for anything [called a 'cry baby' and 'tattler' -- only recently have I been able to actually accept that crying isn't a BAD thing], and then later was told that I should be 'more open' with my emotions [by my mom- the same person who disciplined me...] and speak up when something is bothering me.

    Perhaps it's a game of mixed messages and I'm just internally confused on how to handle certain situations like this. Most times, it's a matter of circumstance. I've got to be fed up, pissed off, and moody to lash out and tell somebody where to stick it. Otherwise, I'm patient to an extreme where the most I'll do is sigh, roll my eyes, and vent about it to somebody later.
    Ironically, given your username, that is also the story of my life! In my twenties, I bought an apartment with a female friend who turned out to be a total B***h. EVERYTHING was ALWAYS about HER until I finally had enough, told her what I thought of her and terminated the friendship forever. She had no idea I would do that (INFJ doorslam) and tried to wheedle her way back in to my life, but I stuck to my guns (with a great deal of help from my ENTP and ENFP friends) and we went our separate ways, thank God.

    It was one of the most rewarding things I've ever done as it taught me to stick up for myself and develop an assertive backbone. BTW I am also an enneagram type nine, with issues around repressing anger, even when it is appropriate to express it.
    INFJ 9w1 sx/sp/so

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  10. #10
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sade View Post
    I'm easy going, not easy to piss off, lenient. But I stand my ground, and don't let people push me around. I shove back.
    It's been an unfortunate surprise for some.

    I don't know if it's a question of type, but about how you're used to.. respond to people. What you've learned and the natural temperament. Sure the NF's in all are probably more empathetic, and so give in easier. But I don't think it's a rule or more prominent among some types.
    But I could be wrong.


    I don't think I'm easily pushed around or controlled; however, I also don't think I'm that assertive in pushing back. My method is more passive and I tend to ignore or extricate myself from the situation or stop involving myself with the people. It's just not worth the effort to push back; if someone's lost my respect, I just won't deal with them anymore.

    However, that's talking about overt control or mean-spiritedness. In the past I have been the victim of more emotional manipulation, on behalf of an ENxP (he tested as ENFP..not sure. Probable, but ENTP isn't out of the question either). That was much, much more subtle. It's only in retrospect that I recognize it, so am more wary of that sort of thing now.

    Edit: And I definitely don't get pushed around by coworkers, and I remember in school too I was kind of fiercely guarded and wouldn't let people copy my homework or anything like that.
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