Siúil a Rúin
when the colors fade
- Joined
- Apr 23, 2007
- Messages
- 14,044
- MBTI Type
- ISFP
- Enneagram
- 496
- Instinctual Variant
- sp/sx
The term, "choose your battles" is rather apt for people with low tolerance for conflict.
Also, it is extremely important to not internalize a sense of being victimized. Even if a person has been victimized, to make that part of one's personal identity and narrative can perpetuate it. It does not typically enlighten, but distorts and justifies all kinds of negativity. Retreat when needed, and choose to be surrounded by a few who make you stronger.
I find with family, if you can't interact without getting hurt for some reason, then find ways to retreat and get re-centered, but then reassure them with kindnesses on your terms. Send the thoughtful gift or phone call, and then take the time off you need to recharge if something was said that made you feel badly about yourself.
While there can be some element of truth in that Dr. Phil statement, assuming one has that level of control over other people is ludicrous. Consider that statement when dealing with theft or violent crime? Now take it down to more typical interactions. Yes, it is possible in some cases to moderate other people's behavior towards yourself, but it is only to some degree in some cases. Certainly worth a try, but a complete belief in such a statement could result in someone becoming a very disappointed control freak.
Also, it is extremely important to not internalize a sense of being victimized. Even if a person has been victimized, to make that part of one's personal identity and narrative can perpetuate it. It does not typically enlighten, but distorts and justifies all kinds of negativity. Retreat when needed, and choose to be surrounded by a few who make you stronger.
I'm also a youngest child, but don't really come across as the youngest to most people. I can relate to a fair amount of what you say. I tend to avoid social power games if at all possible. I don't get offended very easily because I tend to be in an observing/analytical mode when the rudeness happens. I don't even mind neutral criticism, but put-downs for the purpose of undermining me are especially painful for more reasons than the actual criticism. The problem for me is that my profession is in an extremely competitive, cut-throat, and image-based area. All these things make me literally sick. I don't think I would have the energy to confront this issue directly in every scenario. One thing that I do is to reorganize my life to minimize this sort of thing. Professionally I have chosen a much less competitive, glamorous path, but one that is more helpful directly to people who faced obstacles. Instead of competing for the top performance gigs, I teach music lessons to children and people with special needs (disabilities).Are some types pushed around more than others? I'm an easy going person who is not easily offended. Sometimes I think others take advantage of this, by giving me their piece of mind, because they know I won't lash out no matter how offensive/condescending the content is. Do other INFJ's experience this? Can you relate in any way?
I realize that since I am the youngest child, this is probably typical (being treated this way by older siblings), but I've also received this treatment from friends and co-workers. I also realize that the truth is sometimes painful - having your flaws exposed. I don't mind this, as long as I'm confronted in a respectful loving manner... but I rarely am. I'm working on confronting this problem with my family, but how could I have avoided this problem from ever occurring in the first place?
I find with family, if you can't interact without getting hurt for some reason, then find ways to retreat and get re-centered, but then reassure them with kindnesses on your terms. Send the thoughtful gift or phone call, and then take the time off you need to recharge if something was said that made you feel badly about yourself.
Dr. Phil grossly oversimplifies reality - and he didn't even give me permission to say that.I have Dr Phil's voice echoing in my head : "people treat you the way you let them treat you."
While there can be some element of truth in that Dr. Phil statement, assuming one has that level of control over other people is ludicrous. Consider that statement when dealing with theft or violent crime? Now take it down to more typical interactions. Yes, it is possible in some cases to moderate other people's behavior towards yourself, but it is only to some degree in some cases. Certainly worth a try, but a complete belief in such a statement could result in someone becoming a very disappointed control freak.