[INFJ] INFJ's... pushed around/controlled?

[Siúil a Rúin]

The term, "choose your battles" is rather apt for people with low tolerance for conflict.

Also, it is extremely important to not internalize a sense of being victimized. Even if a person has been victimized, to make that part of one's personal identity and narrative can perpetuate it. It does not typically enlighten, but distorts and justifies all kinds of negativity. Retreat when needed, and choose to be surrounded by a few who make you stronger.

Are some types pushed around more than others? I'm an easy going person who is not easily offended. Sometimes I think others take advantage of this, by giving me their piece of mind, because they know I won't lash out no matter how offensive/condescending the content is. Do other INFJ's experience this? Can you relate in any way?

I realize that since I am the youngest child, this is probably typical (being treated this way by older siblings), but I've also received this treatment from friends and co-workers. I also realize that the truth is sometimes painful - having your flaws exposed. I don't mind this, as long as I'm confronted in a respectful loving manner... but I rarely am. I'm working on confronting this problem with my family, but how could I have avoided this problem from ever occurring in the first place?

I'm also a youngest child, but don't really come across as the youngest to most people. I can relate to a fair amount of what you say. I tend to avoid social power games if at all possible. I don't get offended very easily because I tend to be in an observing/analytical mode when the rudeness happens. I don't even mind neutral criticism, but put-downs for the purpose of undermining me are especially painful for more reasons than the actual criticism. The problem for me is that my profession is in an extremely competitive, cut-throat, and image-based area. All these things make me literally sick. I don't think I would have the energy to confront this issue directly in every scenario. One thing that I do is to reorganize my life to minimize this sort of thing. Professionally I have chosen a much less competitive, glamorous path, but one that is more helpful directly to people who faced obstacles. Instead of competing for the top performance gigs, I teach music lessons to children and people with special needs (disabilities).

I find with family, if you can't interact without getting hurt for some reason, then find ways to retreat and get re-centered, but then reassure them with kindnesses on your terms. Send the thoughtful gift or phone call, and then take the time off you need to recharge if something was said that made you feel badly about yourself.

I have Dr Phil's voice echoing in my head : "people treat you the way you let them treat you."

Dr. Phil grossly oversimplifies reality - and he didn't even give me permission to say that.

While there can be some element of truth in that Dr. Phil statement, assuming one has that level of control over other people is ludicrous. Consider that statement when dealing with theft or violent crime? Now take it down to more typical interactions. Yes, it is possible in some cases to moderate other people's behavior towards yourself, but it is only to some degree in some cases. Certainly worth a try, but a complete belief in such a statement could result in someone becoming a very disappointed control freak.

 

[sleuthiness]

Any non-infjs ever feel controlled or have their thoughts constricted by an infj before? Apart from an entj english professor I had last year, I don't think I've felt pressure like this from more than one angle.

 

[Fidelia]

I don't think it's exactly that I am easily pushed around because I usually am aware of what is happening and have decided to allow it. However, I think because I do not express my opinion without the other person showing interest or openess to it, others make the assumption that I agree or am malleable (which isn't usually true). INFJs also want to please, so unless it's something that really matters to me, I'm usually okay with other types making the decisions. I find that it's almost exclusively first borns and only children (who like to be in charge) that are attracted to me as a friend. INFJs also take a little longer to form a reply and so sometimes I wish I had put someone in their place when they were out of line, but didn't react quickly enough and won't bring it up unless it is part of a larger and ongoing problem that needs fixing (otherwise it seems like making mountains out of molehills). For serious or dangerous situations of course that is different, although in most cases I have thought out ahead of time what I would say or how I would handle it so I don't get paralyzed in that moment. I don't tend to make judgements about people (other than my initial gut reaction to them) until I have gathered enough data to get the other person and their motivations figured out and my reaction to them analyzed. Sometimes it takes repeated interactions to make sure that those perceptions are correct or to notice a pattern. I like to observe a situation until I am I know what waters I am wading into and that I can handle it well. At that point I may push back or take charge and the other person feels a little taken aback and confused.

 

[Oddly Refined]

When I was younger, yes.
I've spent a lot of time working on several issues that I felt were related to this problem.
(1) Taking additional time to examine situations with more objectivity and logic.
(2) Not giving people too much information.
(3) Choosing my battles and remaining calm when they occur.
(4) Taking opinions with a grain of salt.
(5) Developing strategies for dealing with stress.

 

[lane777]

I think because I do not express my opinion without the other person showing interest or openness to it, others make the assumption that I agree or am malleable (which isn't usually true).

My ESTJ brother gets on my case with this all the time. But why would I voice my opinion if it isn't requested? If someone doesn't ask for a solution, it's safe to assume they don't want one... if you give it to them anyways, they'll buck it (in my experience). All they have come to you for is pity.

INFJs also take a little longer to form a reply and so sometimes I wish I had put someone in their place when they were out of line, but didn't react quickly enough and won't bring it up unless it is part of a larger and ongoing problem that needs fixing (otherwise it seems like making mountains out of molehills).

I have discovered that I can more easily present my thoughts with T's, since they aren't so touchy; I don't have to spend so much time analyzing my choice of words to avoid offense. With F's, I need to sensor everything.

although in most cases I have thought out ahead of time what I would say or how I would handle it so I don't get paralyzed

Most embarrassing truth - ever. I'm notorious for blank moments. "Paralyzed," sums it up.

 

[scortia]

I don't get "pushed around" but I let a lot of things go that most people wouldn't. In high school I would purposely make myself a target for teasing because it'd relieve others who couldn't handle it themselves. I still sort of make myself a target. But little insignificant things aren't an issue to me. Sometimes, I'll know I've made a friend who is dreadful, and yes I do give them way too long to redeem themselves and see the error of their ways... because of that grace period I do get pushed around a while and then eventually blow up on them when things haven't improved for a length of time.

So all "pushing around" is totally allowed... and I'm never EVER "controlled". I think INFJs are too self-aware for that.

 

[Trefle]

I agreed with the term "choose the battle". I admit I was and still am prone to being pushed around and controlled. D: but there are moments where I decide, "NO I AM NOT TAKING ANY OF THIS SHIT" and then..poof.

Have tried to learn from my ENTJ friend about how to subtly poke (or not poking) people in the right place, so far..well, still in process. But yeah, I would say, before you're pushed around or controlled, control them to not control you. (a.k.a make them not control you in the first place). I think INFJ judges themselves a lot whenever faced with rejection or giving rejection, and this is one hell of a blunder, so...yeah, don't let them control you in the first place. Yay for the Dr. Phil's suggestion.

Of course, if that still happens I personally would just give the person pity. Sometimes "ah well, maybe he's just tired," sometimes "oooh, acting important, much?"

 

[firstjudge]

They might be able to control me for a short time due to my idealistic nature, but eventually I realize it and it never lasts long. I refuse to let anyone control me and pull my strings.

 

[Phantonym]

They might be able to control me for a short time due to my idealistic nature, but eventually I realize it and it never lasts long. I refuse to let anyone control me and pull my strings.

Agreed. Actually, I might even let people think that they control me after I've figured them out. It's fun to watch somebody trying to manipulate people. It's never evil or spiteful on my account, just amusing.