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  1. #11
    nevermore lane777's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tibby View Post
    I have Dr Phil's voice echoing in my head : "people treat you the way you let them treat you."
    True, but at the same time, every time I've confronted immature/mean behavior, they have only denied it. "Oh I didn't mean it that way!" Insulting my intelligence, as though I'd buy into their lie when they were so obviously being a meany. Which is why I've opted for inhumane treatment instead.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tiny Army View Post
    Yes and you bring it on yourselves.

    ENFPs are easy going and not easily offended but we're just more proactive about not letting people abuse our warm personalities. INFJs are beautiful, warm, empathic people but my God you are gluttons for punishment. I have seen so many INFJs who only date assholes or whose best friends are total bitches.

    You could have avoided this problem by not being an INFJ child in a family of types that naturally take advantage of that. There's nothing you can do about the past. Stop taking shit from people and if you have taken some serious shit in the past, give me their addresses and I will go over there with a machete. Someone needs get you INFJs away from these people.
    How heroic of you! This calls for hugging

    And your response was very helpful, thank-you.

    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    you an enneagram 9?

    i'm a 5w4 and acerbic enough to avoid this situation. altho i would say that openness and not being neurotic and guarded are probably better qualities. just make sure your feelings don't get lost in the shuffle.
    Guilty :blushing: Yeah, I need to work on becoming more assertive.
    To die would be an awfully big adventure - Peter Pan

    INFJ ~ 4w5 sp/sx ~ RLOAI ~ Inclusion e/w=1/0 (Melancholy Compulsive) Control: e/w=0/6 (Supine) Affection: e/w=4/0 (Phlegmatic Melancholy)

  2. #12
    Senior Member StoryOfMyLife's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Apollanaut View Post
    Ironically, given your username, that is also the story of my life! In my twenties, I bought an apartment with a female friend who turned out to be a total B***h. EVERYTHING was ALWAYS about HER until I finally had enough, told her what I thought of her and terminated the friendship forever. She had no idea I would do that (INFJ doorslam) and tried to wheedle her way back in to my life, but I stuck to my guns (with a great deal of help from my ENTP and ENFP friends) and we went our separate ways, thank God.

    It was one of the most rewarding things I've ever done as it taught me to stick up for myself and develop an assertive backbone. BTW I am also an enneagram type nine, with issues around repressing anger, even when it is appropriate to express it.
    LOL You know, I think you're the second person to have referred to my username being apt for your own experience mirroring my own! Amazing... [I do believe the other was iwakar-- an INFJ also, right?].

    The best friend I referred to ended up on my shit list forever when she moved in and decided to start dating the guy she knew I was like... in "love" with for the last six years of my regular school 'career'. I loved him as a friend and knew I felt something more for him, deeply, and I'm more than positive he was a fellow NF. After I moved out of my parents' apartment, I decided that it was time to own up to my feelings and try to tell this guy about it. My 'friend' encouraged me, said it was about time, and in true fashion to myself, I wrote a rather lengthy letter addressed to him. We all three hung out during my next visit and stupid me, I forgot to stealthily place the envelope into his mailbox [we used to live right across the street from each other-- our talks on IM would usually end up with him sneaking over to the apartment to have a chat face to face, late at night ].

    In any case, the next time I spoke to this supposed friend, she told me that my 'guy' had found somebody new and left very vague hints that told my gut she was dancing around telling me something important. Turns out, they had started to see each other shortly after my visit home and she said that I had absolutely no right to be upset at her for it because I was too chicken to tell him how I felt. In addition, it wouldn't have mattered if I told him because he wasn't interested in me anyway. Heavy blow to the ego,there and I told her that I just couldn't talk to her anymore. I very rarely come in contact with her and any time she tries to message me, I'm loathe to actually reply. It isn't a grudge against their relationship that I'm holding- everybody deserves to be happy [they are married now, have been for 3 years...]- it's what she did to me and how she attempted to lie about it and justify her actions.


    I'm not sure how my enneagram affects how I let others treat me, but I'm a 4w5 as it says in my signature. I only remember the part about 4's having a bit of a 'tragic' history.
    Don't hate me because you're beautiful.
    4w5



    http://www.mangabullet.com/visitme/ImaginAries.png

  3. #13
    nevermore lane777's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by StoryOfMyLife View Post
    LOL You know, I think you're the second person to have referred to my username being apt for your own experience mirroring my own! Amazing... [I do believe the other was iwakar-- an INFJ also, right?].

    The best friend I referred to ended up on my shit list forever when she moved in and decided to start dating the guy she knew I was like... in "love" with for the last six years of my regular school 'career'. I loved him as a friend and knew I felt something more for him, deeply, and I'm more than positive he was a fellow NF. After I moved out of my parents' apartment, I decided that it was time to own up to my feelings and try to tell this guy about it. My 'friend' encouraged me, said it was about time, and in true fashion to myself, I wrote a rather lengthy letter addressed to him. We all three hung out during my next visit and stupid me, I forgot to stealthily place the envelope into his mailbox [we used to live right across the street from each other-- our talks on IM would usually end up with him sneaking over to the apartment to have a chat face to face, late at night ].

    In any case, the next time I spoke to this supposed friend, she told me that my 'guy' had found somebody new and left very vague hints that told my gut she was dancing around telling me something important. Turns out, they had started to see each other shortly after my visit home and she said that I had absolutely no right to be upset at her for it because I was too chicken to tell him how I felt. In addition, it wouldn't have mattered if I told him because he wasn't interested in me anyway. Heavy blow to the ego,there and I told her that I just couldn't talk to her anymore. I very rarely come in contact with her and any time she tries to message me, I'm loathe to actually reply. It isn't a grudge against their relationship that I'm holding- everybody deserves to be happy [they are married now, have been for 3 years...]- it's what she did to me and how she attempted to lie about it and justify her actions.


    I'm not sure how my enneagram affects how I let others treat me, but I'm a 4w5 as it says in my signature. I only remember the part about 4's having a bit of a 'tragic' history.
    Woah, that's sickening. I can't imagine many things worse than that scenario. Wounds from a friend hurt the most.
    To die would be an awfully big adventure - Peter Pan

    INFJ ~ 4w5 sp/sx ~ RLOAI ~ Inclusion e/w=1/0 (Melancholy Compulsive) Control: e/w=0/6 (Supine) Affection: e/w=4/0 (Phlegmatic Melancholy)

  4. #14
    Senior Mugwump Apollanaut's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by StoryOfMyLife View Post
    LOL You know, I think you're the second person to have referred to my username being apt for your own experience mirroring my own! Amazing... [I do believe the other was iwakar-- an INFJ also, right?].

    The best friend I referred to ended up on my shit list forever when she moved in and decided to start dating the guy she knew I was like... in "love" with for the last six years of my regular school 'career'. I loved him as a friend and knew I felt something more for him, deeply, and I'm more than positive he was a fellow NF. After I moved out of my parents' apartment, I decided that it was time to own up to my feelings and try to tell this guy about it. My 'friend' encouraged me, said it was about time, and in true fashion to myself, I wrote a rather lengthy letter addressed to him. We all three hung out during my next visit and stupid me, I forgot to stealthily place the envelope into his mailbox [we used to live right across the street from each other-- our talks on IM would usually end up with him sneaking over to the apartment to have a chat face to face, late at night ].

    In any case, the next time I spoke to this supposed friend, she told me that my 'guy' had found somebody new and left very vague hints that told my gut she was dancing around telling me something important. Turns out, they had started to see each other shortly after my visit home and she said that I had absolutely no right to be upset at her for it because I was too chicken to tell him how I felt. In addition, it wouldn't have mattered if I told him because he wasn't interested in me anyway. Heavy blow to the ego,there and I told her that I just couldn't talk to her anymore. I very rarely come in contact with her and any time she tries to message me, I'm loathe to actually reply. It isn't a grudge against their relationship that I'm holding- everybody deserves to be happy [they are married now, have been for 3 years...]- it's what she did to me and how she attempted to lie about it and justify her actions.


    I'm not sure how my enneagram affects how I let others treat me, but I'm a 4w5 as it says in my signature. I only remember the part about 4's having a bit of a 'tragic' history.
    What a total cow! Manipulative and deceiful to the core.

    No time to go into the full gory details of my own dysfunctional friend - just to say that she thought she had the right to control my life while I worked every hour to pay the mortgage on our apartment (she became sick and never worked again) AND do all the cleaning and shopping AND buy nice furniture for her to rest her fat lazy ass on. We were not lovers, just friends (I am gay) yet she treated me as if I owed her everything. And after all that she used to bitch about how useless I was to our mutual friends (who of course told me what she was saying). Well she made one demand too many until I finally snapped and told her what a good deal she had with me. She didn't listen and kept demanding more, so I door-slammed her out of my life forever.

    Her Enneagram type was Two (very unhealthy example) and when I read about how Twos can spiral into dysfunction it was so accurate it was scary! Maybe your friend was of this type as well - it sounds likely. They pretend to be your best friend while sinking talons of control into your heart until they think they can work you like a puppet. Brrrr!
    INFJ 9w1 sx/sp/so

    "A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to." - Gandalf The Grey

    And if I only could,
    I'd make a deal with God,
    And I'd get him to swap our places,
    Be running up that road,
    Be running up that hill,
    With no problems.

    - Kate Bush

  5. #15
    Senior Member StoryOfMyLife's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Apollanaut View Post
    What a total cow! Manipulative and deceiful to the core.

    No time to go into the full gory details of my own dysfunctional friend - just to say that she thought she had the right to control my life while I worked every hour to pay the mortgage on our apartment (she became sick and never worked again) AND do all the cleaning and shopping AND buy nice furniture for her to rest her fat lazy ass on. We were not lovers, just friends (I am gay) yet she treated me as if I owed her everything. And after all that she used to bitch about how useless I was to our mutual friends (who of course told me what she was saying). Well she made one demand too many until I finally snapped and told her what a good deal she had with me. She didn't listen and kept demanding more, so I door-slammed her out of my life forever.

    Her Enneagram type was Two (very unhealthy example) and when I read about how Twos can spiral into dysfunction it was so accurate it was scary! Maybe your friend was of this type as well - it sounds likely. They pretend to be your best friend while sinking talons of control into your heart until they think they can work you like a puppet. Brrrr!

    Oh wow, that's really horrible! She sounds rather similar to my ex-friend in a manner that-- no matter how good they had it, they still found something to complain about, without thought as to what toll it might be taking on somebody else. I certainly don't blame you for pushing this one out of your life. She didn't deserve having you cater to her every need and then turn around and gripe about how you weren't useful. [Don't you love that, too? The context of the word 'useless' indicates that was all she saw you as- something to 'use' to her benefit...bah, hindsight!].

    I know a healthy, ISFJ enneagram 2, and she's a fantastic lady [an older lady], but I could see this being the bad side of a 2 [and I'm debating on whether this old pal of mind was... a low 'I', that's for certain, and definitely a 'J'...perhaps an 'S', but I'm not certain. All I know is that the guy she married was most definitely an INfP...]
    Don't hate me because you're beautiful.
    4w5



    http://www.mangabullet.com/visitme/ImaginAries.png

  6. #16
    Senior Mugwump Apollanaut's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by StoryOfMyLife View Post
    Oh wow, that's really horrible! She sounds rather similar to my ex-friend in a manner that-- no matter how good they had it, they still found something to complain about, without thought as to what toll it might be taking on somebody else. I certainly don't blame you for pushing this one out of your life. She didn't deserve having you cater to her every need and then turn around and gripe about how you weren't useful. [Don't you love that, too? The context of the word 'useless' indicates that was all she saw you as- something to 'use' to her benefit...bah, hindsight!].

    I know a healthy, ISFJ enneagram 2, and she's a fantastic lady [an older lady], but I could see this being the bad side of a 2 [and I'm debating on whether this old pal of mind was... a low 'I', that's for certain, and definitely a 'J'...perhaps an 'S', but I'm not certain. All I know is that the guy she married was most definitely an INfP...]
    One reason why I refer to Enneagram types a lot is becuase I consider that to be a much better system for gauging psychological health then the MBTI. As you've already pointed out, there is a world of difference between a healthy and an unhealthy individual of each ennea-type. Once you know your own type, you can use the "level of health" descriptions by Riso etc, to gauge where you fall on this scale, and get some idea what you have to do to move to higher levels of health. For more on this fascinating aspect of enneagram theory, check out this link:

    Enneagram Levels of Development: Presentation at IEA Conference '04
    INFJ 9w1 sx/sp/so

    "A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to." - Gandalf The Grey

    And if I only could,
    I'd make a deal with God,
    And I'd get him to swap our places,
    Be running up that road,
    Be running up that hill,
    With no problems.

    - Kate Bush

  7. #17
    Member tess2008's Avatar
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    oh boy, as much as i try not to be the target to be pushed around and/ or controlled, I always am.

    i just started university, and i made a lot of new friends very quickly (which was surprising, but good!! ), but i can see that a lot of the reason they like me is because i am so overly complient and polite ALLL the time. one girl in particular, who i'm pretty sure is a borderline ENFP/ENTP, completely has it over me, and we both know it. as much as i feel like i am in control when i'm on my own, when i'm with others i go along with anything they ask, and i can't go against that. this girl has told me that she's decided she likes me most, and she's made me go and do things with her only, which is starting to alienate me from everyone else (which i don't want to happen). i am soooo passive!!! and she knows it, she's very, very quick, and i know she sees right through me. it bothers me, actually. i rarely have friendships in which i don't feel like i'm a tool or an item to be controlled and used.

    i know what i want to say, but it never comes out right, and i end up sounding pathetic under people like this. it bothers me so much. she'll tell me something interesting and important to her, and i'll know what i want to say, but i'll just say (in response to everything) 'oh, that's so cool .' and i'll be thinking to myself 'you sound like a complete idiot!!! '

    I also find that she doesn't care about me or what i have to say. because i listen carefully to what she says, and she likes it when i respond to what she is talking about. when i try to start a conversation about something i find interesting, i notice that her eyes glaze a bit, she's not emotionally responsive at all, and she quickly shifts the subject back to herself. this is no new phenomenon though, it has happened to me my whole life. all my friendships have been based upon me fuelling other people's wants and needs. when it comes to my own interests and needs, i (used to be) rejected when i asked for others to share in what i wanted to do, and i never even try these days.

    for instance, i never ask people to go shopping with me or go see a movie with me, i never throw a party. this is because i feel like people won't show up, or i'll bore them to death. i feel like people see me as an incredibly easy target. i think a lot of my problems result from my Fe, which I HATE. i hate accomadating everyone but myself, and never saying what i really think. this, i believe, is the main reason people think it would be the easiest thing in the world to take advantage of me.

    something i just remembered that was interesting.. this ENFP/ENTP girl said to me, after she'd been talking to a shop assistant who really liked her, and was really nice to both of us (i was merely standing there, smiling and nodding) because of how bubbly/ talkative SHE was.

    she said exactly what i was thinking, "you know, it's funny; people really like me and i stand out because the spotlight is always on me, but because you're with me, it's on you too."

  8. #18
    Member invaderzim's Avatar
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    you know, it's funny; people really like me and i stand out because the spotlight is always on me, but because you're with me, it's on you too."
    I would have slapped her. She sounds annoying.


    Don't worry your thinking function will kick in soon.

  9. #19
    Member tess2008's Avatar
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    hahah, i hope so. it did annoy me when she said it, but i can see the truth in it too. i just nodded and smiled when she said it. so very passive.. :steam:

  10. #20
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by invaderzim View Post
    I would have slapped her. She sounds annoying.
    Yeah, you need a new friend.

    Whenever I'm around strong extroverts I just become more extroverted and end up out-extroverting them. Especially with ENxPs; you will be tossed around in an Ne whirlwind if you do not engage your extroverted functions. Fe is not your issue, it would probably help if you used it more instead of settling comfortably in Ni. Fe will help you from fading into the background as you will be busy talking and laughing like a hyena

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