[Ne] TIME ALONE

[Thunderlight]

I have a friend who doesn't understand that I like being alone sometimes, and that I really like doing some things by myself. He keeps getting angry and telling me that i have "blown" him off for the last time, etc. All I do is when he wants to hang out I sometimes say that I want to draw instead or read a book.

This is during college breaks when no one else is around. Apparently he hates being alone at all and says he starts to dislike himself when he is alone. He always gets angry when i just want to be alone...


does anyone have advice or any stories about this type of situation?

 

[ReadingRainbows]

Sometimes we all need our alone time, but other times we really need the human contact to thrive....I love the computer because it is so quiet but I loooooove one of my friends in particular because she is just so wonderful..yeah

 

[BlackCat]

Have you straight up explained to your friend that you really need time alone? Also say that it's nothing against them.

 

[blacksheep7895]

woooo college break 4 days alone in the house!! i had the same problem with a friend of mine, we fought for a while and after me repeatedly explaining that it had nothing to do with him and had everything to do with what i felt like doing he finally chilled out, but that was definitely a tense week

 

[Thunderlight]

yea i guess i should just tell him that it has nothin to do with him.

don't cha just love 4 days with no one around?

::Edit:That was not meant to sound dirty!::

 

[BlueScreen]

yea i guess i should just tell him that it has nothin to do with him.

don't cha just love 4 days with no one around?

::Edit:That was not meant to sound dirty!::

.

Alone time does rule. I'm getting more picky about it as I get older.

 

[CrystalViolet]

I ended a friendship quite recently over a similar issue. *sigh*She really didn't get it, no matter how I tried to explain it, she was determined to take offence. If it's one thing that drives me up the wall, it's neediness. Admittedly though, this was an extreme situation, and she was turning into a bunny boiler.
Normally, all it takes is a sit down and a chat. Most people get it, or do after they've seen me so frazzled by overwhelm. Even extroverts like some alone time sometimes.
Failing that, have you got a secret hide out (I used to hide at my exboyfriend's place when he wasn't there, with his permission, of course)? or just pretend you aren't there...or give him a teddy bear, so he's never alone...

 

[INTJMom]

I have a friend who doesn't understand that I like being alone sometimes, and that I really like doing some things by myself. He keeps getting angry and telling me that i have "blown" him off for the last time, etc. All I do is when he wants to hang out I sometimes say that I want to draw instead or read a book.

This is during college breaks when no one else is around. Apparently he hates being alone at all and says he starts to dislike himself when he is alone. He always gets angry when i just want to be alone...


does anyone have advice or any stories about this type of situation?

"Blowing someone off" is different from wanting to be alone.
Don't make promises you can't keep.
If you promise to do something with your friend... do it.

If you need time alone... put it into your schedule and don't let anyone talk you out of it.
Go be alone someplace else so he can't just pop in on you uninvited or unannounced.

If he needs company that badly, he needs to have a collection of friends so he always has someone available and doesn't become a drain on the same person all the time.

 

[Wild horses]

Yea my need for time alone and personal freedom has actually led to the breakdown of some friendships.. I just can't function if I have no down time... Time to reflect and be away from the crowd...

 

[INTJMom]

I had an ISFJ friend who used to come over as soon as my kids got on the bus and left as soon as they got home. Pretty soon, I was suicidal! from never being alone!

 

[Nonsensical]

Despite my type, I find being alone sometimes quite enjoyable, and it's necessary for me to spend time alone, or I just about die.

 

[Domino]

I have a friend who doesn't understand that I like being alone sometimes, and that I really like doing some things by myself. He keeps getting angry and telling me that i have "blown" him off for the last time, etc. All I do is when he wants to hang out I sometimes say that I want to draw instead or read a book.

This is during college breaks when no one else is around. Apparently he hates being alone at all and says he starts to dislike himself when he is alone. He always gets angry when i just want to be alone...

I used to get guilted and fussed at too for this very reason. Not a day passes that I don't need time to myself. I *must* have time alone to get my head straight or I turn into a beast. It's like being under some weird spell. My Fe is in charge but since I'm a moderate E at best, my Ni frequently feels antagonized if I don't take it off alone and give it time to breathe and do whatever it wants for a little while. If I'm being demanded of constantly, this only increases my need to be by myself. It's required, not optional.

Most of my friends are more social than me, meaning they seem to have more energy for it. Having to explain myself has been a trial at times because I really don't mean to be offensive or negligent. I can't even totally explain why I have to have time to myself so badly, which perhaps makes things worse, hurting more feelings. My twin and my mom get it, as do my closer friends.

does anyone have advice or any stories about this type of situation?

You might suggest a date/time to do something with this person as a pre-emptive strike.

You: Hey, I have an idea.
Him: Yes?
You: I'm feeling exceptionally tired and really need to lie in today, but I wanted to know if you'd like to hit the [Degas exhibit at the museum/roller derby] this weekend?
Him: Really? That's sounds [boring/fun]!
You: Great! We'll go get a bite afterwards so no wearing your tuxedo t-shirt, dude.
Him: [cries]

 

[Thunderlight]

hahahaha I like your solution. things are on the mend with him i think.


im surprised that this is actually a big issue it seems!

 

[Domino]

Personal space is always sure to cause trouble at some point. Turning aside the slap of perceived rejection is the trick.

I'm glad things are improving for you.

 

[01011010]

hahahaha I like your solution. things are on the mend with him i think.

im surprised that this is actually a big issue it seems!

Only when they take it personally.

I work out a schedule. I.E. Seeing a romantic partner, one day a week. On occasion, two.

 

[the state i am in]

You might suggest a date/time to do something with this person as a pre-emptive strike.

You: Hey, I have an idea.
Him: Yes?
You: I'm feeling exceptionally tired and really need to lie in today, but I wanted to know if you'd like to hit the [Degas exhibit at the museum/roller derby] this weekend?
Him: Really? That's sounds [boring/fun]!
You: Great! We'll go get a bite afterwards so no wearing your tuxedo t-shirt, dude.
Him: [cries]

corroborating the perception that enfj social strategy is entitled "shock and awe," "blitzkrieg," etc.

as a socially inept infj, i'm so impressed right now- you have absolutely no idea. i need to get an enfj advisor/attorney asap.

 

[Domino]

haha, thank you, State I must admit, I've mostly learned by trial and error. Having a socially oriented personality (i.e. I am people-centric, not a party animal lol) gets crossed up frequently by my health problems, and my friends realize (immediately or on a learning curve) that I have to reschedule due to a flare up, sometimes at the last minute (which is why I never commit to anything major that may cause problems for others). This got very depressing for me, esp because I was disappointing people I care about, people I *want* to see. So we devised a sort of strategy for deflecting hurt feelings by replacing the canceled meet/event with something that might be easier or more likely to succeed, and something that the other person was bound to enjoy.

It minimizes my guilt over something I can't control and reaffirms my affection for the person being rescheduled on. So hopefully it's a win-win. I believe if you assuage any hurt feelings before they arise, everyone gets what they want: reaffirmation through words, reaffirmation of importance through a specifically chosen new date/time.

I think it's called diplomacy, and I learned it by watching others. Sometimes I'm like an axe through dry wood. *laughs* How embarrassing.

 

[the state i am in]

diplomacy is a great skill, assuaging people's feelings, massaging them like cramps, etc. relieves stress and tension.

i have an intj friend w/ whom i recently realized that, and maybe it's the Ni dominant thing, but as soon as anything sways ever so slightly from the regular and standard, as soon as there is any slight deviation in our way of communicating, we both immediately know something is up. the pattern recognition is so great, that it totally changes the way you communicate. you have to consider both feelings at the same time, try to express yourself and influence the situation in the way you see fit, can't pout, etc, while being understanding and flexible and "preemptively" avoiding stepping on each other's toes.

i wish i could better see it in advance, which underdeveloped (male?) Fe still has some work to put in in order to effectively and consistently do.

enfjs should just band together a start a social strategy hotline that would teach people how to resolve their recurring social frustrations. world leaders would call in and solve the israel-palestine conflict. it would be great.

 

[Southern Kross]

As a fellow introvert I understand the need to be alone but I know from experience how this can send out the wrong message.

I can make people angry by failing to return emails or phone calls because I hate doing the whole communication thing. Also, I will get a person's message and say, "Oh, OK" to myself and not think to actually reply. All they're receiving on the other end is radio silence and getting mightly annoyed with it. I suggest texting as a good way to communicate; 1) you can respond when you want but not necessarily immediately; 2) it allows you to give short and simple response; 3) also it gives the impression of greater contact with another person (thus maintaining a better relationship) without the whole messy phone call thing.

Remember that by primarily exploring your own preference you are completely shutting down his. You can satisfy your introversion without any outside help, while his extroversion requires you do be around for it to be fulfilled. He has no choice in the matter, which can be very frustrating. Try to hang out with him a bit more, even when you don't want to. I often get asked to events/dinners/parties that I don't want to go to but go anyway. I usually find that I get something out of it. Sometimes we just have to ignore our instincts, particularly the hermit-like ones - they can severely limit us.

With that said, I think you both need to talk about this a bit more. Explain your position and listen to his and makes some compromises on both sides.

 

[CzeCze]

Only when they take it personally.

I work out a schedule. I.E. Seeing a romantic partner, one day a week. On occasion, two.

Wow, is this your preferred schedule normally?

Honestly, if and when I am really into someone (not even in a relationship) with someone and really like them, I want to see them basically all the time. I know with overloaded schedules and travel that's not necessarily possible and I prefer quality time over quantity of time - but that desire to see the person and have quality time is still very strong.

I could only be content seeing someone I'm dating 1x a week if it were very casual or I were so overloaded with other things that carving out 1 day of quality time was the best I could do.

I agree with INTJ mom's advice - it's only blowing people off if you create unrealistic expectations. Pink's diplomacy is a good starting point. Instead of just turning down invitations, create one of your own, even if it's not date specific. Ask for a raincheck if you think you'll take it or say "how about we watch that movie sometime next week?"

Also, perhaps alternatives? How about going to a coffee shop together to study or other more 'introverted' or solitary activities, except you're with someone else?