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[INFJ] Finally I understand why I don't fit (I'm an INFJ)

janey_girl

New member
Joined
Feb 18, 2009
Messages
74
MBTI Type
INtJ
I am now 34 and have spent my life driving myself insane over my personality, who I am and not fitting in with society....

Reading the posts on here the lightbulb just went on. I've been fighting it - been upset with myself for being overly emotional, misunderstood. I have been dragging a "huge" amount of baggage round with me for way too long. I look after others, quite forgetting myself, agree to do things I don't want to do and put people on these idealistic pedastals. I feel as though I am not living out my true "purpose" and just because I feel I can read minds and people I kind of expect others to do the same with me. My communication can be good but I spend such a lot of my time "holding back" so as not to hurt others...

All this stuff has literally been KILLING me on the inside - I'm ok for a while, then I reach exhaustion point (a couple of times a year) and fall into my well of misery feeling "nobody loves me, everybody hates me" and wallow in this woe is me sort of place - then I kind of ping back to life again... Of course everybody I have rejected during my self absorbed stage remembers and it is sometimes impossible to recover as they wait for the next "episode" to take effect....

Thanks for making me feel a lot less insane! Now I can accept and start to work through this!
 

Nyota

New member
Joined
Nov 13, 2008
Messages
69
MBTI Type
infj
Enneagram
4w5
This is good and I've experienced a certain similarity in my life. It's relieving to finally be able to understand ourselves and be able to act out our true selves with no limitations.

A good friend tells me all the time to "just let go and be me." Best advice I've ever received.
 
S

Sniffles

Guest
janey_girl, you have my full sympathies :hug: :hug:

I myself just got over a deep bout of depression.

A very important lesson to learn is to gain a sense of self-acceptance, and remind yourself on a constant basis.

I'll try to add more later.
 

janey_girl

New member
Joined
Feb 18, 2009
Messages
74
MBTI Type
INtJ
Thanks for your replies guys - it's nice to know I'm not alone in the way I feel, it's pretty tough sometimes and I'm sure the fact I don't "fit in" anywhere really but everywhere is really hard... I always feel I've never truly "met my people" - if that makes any sense...

People look to me for advice and I always seem to be seen as pretty knowledgable about loads of different stuff, but there is none of that - you know, being part of the pack... I guess sometimes I seem aloof when all I'm doing is absorbing the situation....

Tough!
 

PuddleRiver

It's always something...
Joined
Apr 24, 2007
Messages
2,923
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5w6
I've worked my whole life to 'fit in'. Turned myself inside out, upside down and backwards, it seemed. It never worked, I can't be fixed and I don't want to be fixed anymore.

I'm FREE!!!

Hang in there, it only gets better. You love you just the way you are. I've never met any of 'my people' either. I still dream of meeting someone someday that 'gets me'. My hubby comes pretty close after all these years together, but I'm still his enigma. I think I really just totally fascinate him :D
 

Antreus

New member
Joined
Mar 6, 2009
Messages
36
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4/2
I am now 34 and have spent my life driving myself insane over my personality, who I am and not fitting in with society....

Reading the posts on here the lightbulb just went on. I've been fighting it - been upset with myself for being overly emotional, misunderstood. I have been dragging a "huge" amount of baggage round with me for way too long. I look after others, quite forgetting myself, agree to do things I don't want to do and put people on these idealistic pedastals. I feel as though I am not living out my true "purpose" and just because I feel I can read minds and people I kind of expect others to do the same with me. My communication can be good but I spend such a lot of my time "holding back" so as not to hurt others...

All this stuff has literally been KILLING me on the inside - I'm ok for a while, then I reach exhaustion point (a couple of times a year) and fall into my well of misery feeling "nobody loves me, everybody hates me" and wallow in this woe is me sort of place - then I kind of ping back to life again... Of course everybody I have rejected during my self absorbed stage remembers and it is sometimes impossible to recover as they wait for the next "episode" to take effect....

Thanks for making me feel a lot less insane! Now I can accept and start to work through this!

As an INFJ my brain seems almost wired to constantly metamorphose and I usually forget how deep I have reached in depression until it is too late to identify the turmoil inside, it's very gripping and debilitating. I am still rather young and still identifying these cycles I go through but it is clearly as you said for me typically too.

I guess you can see it as the gravity of an INFJ, it is always fluctuating, and really if you think of it being so empathic you are simply a social barometer of your surroundings. It takes a lot of energy to extricate yourself from it at times.

I go through a lot of mental and emotional stages during the course of a year. I think one philosopher who I could really relate to on an emphatic level and has helped me come to grip a lot on how to relate to things is Simone Weil and I suggest you check out her philosophy and books. She really exposed my intellect once again to me. I think I was limiting myself to too much Nietzsche. I could say Nietzsche embodies my brooding side and Weil my empathic one.
 

kiddykat

movin melodies
Joined
Jul 27, 2008
Messages
1,111
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4, 7
I have a friend and a male cousin who feels like they have to maintain this image of perfection for everyone they know.. and I can see where it gets to the point of stress/depression.

That's why I say, "C'este La Vie." Sometimes, we just gotta accept imperfection, because in being imperfect, there is a sense of perfectness about it.

Sometimes, dichotomous relationships can co-exist, because as humans we are not perfect. We go through our ups/downs/standstills.

Also, I think that when people aren't afraid to express how they truly feel, even with their flaws, i find their idiosyncrasies adorable.

If people are going to judge you for your imperfections, then let them, because really.. They're unhappy with themselves?. Yah, I'm glad you're reaching a sense of understanding for who you truly are and are coming to terms with accepting yourself. G'Luck. ;D
 

janey_girl

New member
Joined
Feb 18, 2009
Messages
74
MBTI Type
INtJ
As an INFJ my brain seems almost wired to constantly metamorphose and I usually forget how deep I have reached in depression until it is too late to identify the turmoil inside, it's very gripping and debilitating. I am still rather young and still identifying these cycles I go through but it is clearly as you said for me typically too.

I guess you can see it as the gravity of an INFJ, it is always fluctuating, and really if you think of it being so empathic you are simply a social barometer of your surroundings. It takes a lot of energy to extricate yourself from it at times.

I go through a lot of mental and emotional stages during the course of a year. I think one philosopher who I could really relate to on an emphatic level and has helped me come to grip a lot on how to relate to things is Simone Weil and I suggest you check out her philosophy and books. She really exposed my intellect once again to me. I think I was limiting myself to too much Nietzsche. I could say Nietzsche embodies my brooding side and Weil my empathic one.

Can identify totally - it isn't until totally in the grip of depression that I realise how deep I actually am... The cycles are really hard to come to terms with, but like the cycle of the seasons there is no point fighting it - better I guess to understand and appreciate it and know it's going to happen...

I'll have a look out for Simone Weil's books - any insight is greatly appreciated!
 

janey_girl

New member
Joined
Feb 18, 2009
Messages
74
MBTI Type
INtJ
I have a friend and a male cousin who feels like they have to maintain this image of perfection for everyone they know.. and I can see where it gets to the point of stress/depression.

That's why I say, "C'este La Vie." Sometimes, we just gotta accept imperfection, because in being imperfect, there is a sense of perfectness about it.

Sometimes, dichotomous relationships can co-exist, because as humans we are not perfect. We go through our ups/downs/standstills.

Also, I think that when people aren't afraid to express how they truly feel, even with their flaws, i find their idiosyncrasies adorable.

If people are going to judge you for your imperfections, then let them, because really.. They're unhappy with themselves?. Yah, I'm glad you're reaching a sense of understanding for who you truly are and are coming to terms with accepting yourself. G'Luck. ;D

THAT'S IT!!! The image of perfection... I know I'm not being true to myself but I do it anyway - wearing this mask all the damn time!

My new relationship is interesting in that my OH is an ISTP and he's not as inward looking and seems more forgiving to my faults... The other day he really hacked me off over something and ordinarily I'd let it ride BUT this time I thought "no, I'll tell him that HE upset me" and when I did the world did not fall in on my head and he was "ok - fair point"... I feel I can be ME with him, warts and all....

Being allowed to be inperfect is an absolutely amazing thing - scary as hell, but great!
 

Skyward

Badoom~
Joined
Jul 3, 2008
Messages
1,084
MBTI Type
infj
Enneagram
9w1
A very important lesson to learn is to gain a sense of self-acceptance, and remind yourself on a constant basis.
/QUOTE]

+1, the trick is to listen.
 

Quay

Peaced
Joined
Feb 17, 2010
Messages
271
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
The other day he really hacked me off over something and ordinarily I'd let it ride BUT this time I thought "no, I'll tell him that HE upset me" and when I did the world did not fall in on my head and he was "ok - fair point"... I feel I can be ME with him, warts and all....

Being allowed to be inperfect is an absolutely amazing thing - scary as hell, but great!

OMGosh ....

This...

The INFJ discovery literally righted my world. I'm so much about being ME now, and it is really fun to discover parts about myself I'd hidden so deeply I couldn't even see them.

I can say "no" and tell the truth about myself wholeheartedly, and there's nothing anyone can really say except: "OK". They can't go back in time and change it so they may as well accept it...
 

Lily Bart

Member
Joined
Mar 27, 2009
Messages
136
MBTI Type
INFP
I felt the same way when I first figured out my (correct) type -- it was more liberating than depressing because I'd always tried to be what other people expected me to be but now I could stop trying to live up to their expectations and be true to my real character strengths. Sometimes it gets depressing when I realize that some people just can't figure out (or don't care) where I'm coming from, but at least I can recognize that now and I don't blame myself for what's really their inability to see beyond the ends of their noses. With people I'm close to, it's made me a lot stronger and it's made good relationships much, much stronger. I read a lot of Type books because it's hard to find good NF role models, so at least I can create a sort of mental ideal to work toward from descriptions in books.
 

Onceajoan

New member
Joined
Apr 22, 2010
Messages
239
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
1w2
It's relieving to finally be able to understand ourselves and be able to act out our true selves with no limitations.

A good friend tells me all the time to "just let go and be me." Best advice I've ever received.

That's where I am. As the OP mentioned, I have always felt that I needed to hold back. I'm very passionate and sometimes I feel like I'm going to blow other over. It's time to come out of the closet.
 

Onceajoan

New member
Joined
Apr 22, 2010
Messages
239
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
1w2
Can identify totally - it isn't until totally in the grip of depression that I realise how deep I actually am... The cycles are really hard to come to terms with, but like the cycle of the seasons there is no point fighting it - better I guess to understand and appreciate it and know it's going to happen...

I've had depression my whole life. Medication helps me. I still get depressed sometimes but the lows aren't so low. If I'm not on meds. and it gets worse, it feels like I'm falling into a deep dark hole that I've fallen into and can't get out of. Sorta like Alice and Wonderland - except I don't have the potion.

I wish you the best. I know it's not easy.
 

Skyward

Badoom~
Joined
Jul 3, 2008
Messages
1,084
MBTI Type
infj
Enneagram
9w1
I rollercoaster up an down between depression and feeling on top of the world. The thing that has helped me the most is to find people that I can become very close friends with. These people are the type that know what I'm going through and having a physical someone who is in the same boat, or at least was, is good.

For me, prayer is also another way to alleviate some internal stress (which causes bad moods) by just working it out. Granted it only works if you have faith enough to know that God is listening, but I rather would be thought of as an odd religious person (I prefer spiritual rather than religious. Religion is for boring people ;)) than be dependent on chemicals to be in a better mood.

For others it's different and I respect that.

All I wish is that I would get out of this teenage shlump and level off my mood.
 
Last edited:

mochajava

New member
Joined
Jul 28, 2010
Messages
475
MBTI Type
INFJ
I felt the same way when I first figured out my (correct) type -- it was more liberating than depressing because I'd always tried to be what other people expected me to be but now I could stop trying to live up to their expectations and be true to my real character strengths. Sometimes it gets depressing when I realize that some people just can't figure out (or don't care) where I'm coming from, but at least I can recognize that now and I don't blame myself for what's really their inability to see beyond the ends of their noses. With people I'm close to, it's made me a lot stronger and it's made good relationships much, much stronger. I read a lot of Type books because it's hard to find good NF role models, so at least I can create a sort of mental ideal to work toward from descriptions in books.

AMEN! (I find myself saying that a lot on here). Would you be willing to share some of the type books you mentioned here? I'd like to read some. _Please Understand Me_? _16 ways to please your lover_?
 

mochajava

New member
Joined
Jul 28, 2010
Messages
475
MBTI Type
INFJ
Also - is there a thread about INFJs and depression? That seems to be coming out in many of the posts here.

My thoughts:

Hi janey_girl (and anyone else on this thread) --

Thanks for sharing this, and I really identify with/agree with all you've said. I'm with an ST husband, and it is amazing - he doesn't work like me or GET me, but he accepts me (and loves me to pieces). What's so important is that being my weird / perfectionist / cycles of depression / cycles of isolation self is just plain okay with him.

I like thinking "I have a rich inner life" then curling up with a novel, remembering I love that, and going with it.

I take some sly little INFJ lunchbreaks. I eat at my desk then read a novel at a coffeeshop for an hour. I pick one that's far enough away from my office that people won't see me there... it's lovely. It feels...rebellious. Unconventional. And sometimes I do lunch w/ others too, but I like groups of 2 or 3 best.

I definitely do NOT fit into any mainstream... and I have spent a lot of time beating myself up about it. I guess I can just stop? There's no explanation for it.

Relevant piece of information: growing up, I asked my Mom why I seemed to have such a hard time of it compared to my younger sister. She said, "it's just because you're not easygoing like her." Oof. Ouch. That knocked the wind out of me and probably killed some of my self-esteem -- it was like my sensitivity was something I could control and change at will (as a friggin' 9 year old!). And - I'm bringing this up well over a decade later, so clearly it stayed/hurt/stung. Do you have anything like that in your past, do you think?
 

WinterWriter

New member
Joined
Jan 11, 2010
Messages
8
MBTI Type
INFJ
:hug: I can relate to the self-esteem wounding. As an INFJ kid I definitely didn't fit into my family, neighborhood or school. I've never met another INFJ, so I have no mirror for what an INFJ is supposed to look like. My entire family is ISTx or ESTx. There I was a little INFJ and no one understood me.

Growing up, I felt like a peach on a walnut tree. Surrounded by people who told me to toughen up, don't take things to heart, don't be so sensitive, stop being...

You.

Living as a peach surrounded by walnuts taught me to not respect who I really am. It taught me to allow people to bruise me and not bother standing up for myself. Because, they are right about me. I am too sensitive, and too weak, and I do take things to heart and... and wait... Who says this is a bad thing? Who says I am weak? I am a lot of things, but weak? Never.

I'm a 12 year cancer survivor. I've endured 23 rounds of high dose chemotherapy. I had a tumor removed from my aorta in a chest cracking, rib spreading nightmare. I survived 10 hours of surgery, and two years of recovery. I made it through all of it. I've been scanned, scoped, chemoed, cut, poked, and shredded and I've survived it all. I am here. Alive. I am well. I am tough, and strong, and beautiful as winter sky.

I'm an INFJ. I'm a peach. My toughness is deep inside. The core of me is hard as rock. I am proud of my INFJ toughness. Yes. Toughness! It takes a uniquely beautiful toughness to live your life as an INFJ. I've given up trying to be hard and tough and learned to respect my needs. I've learned that being soft spoken and tenderhearted are strengths. I celebrate what it is to be an INFJ. An INFJ is a peach not a walnut and this is a joyful thing. Be fully you, because I celebrate you all as well.


WinterWriter
 

mochajava

New member
Joined
Jul 28, 2010
Messages
475
MBTI Type
INFJ
WinterWriter, you are my hero! This is a really lovely analogy. I think I need to tuck it away for my down-on-INFJ-days :).

I'm an INFJ. I'm a peach. My toughness is deep inside. The core of me is hard as rock. I am proud of my INFJ toughness. Yes. Toughness! It takes a uniquely beautiful toughness to live your life as an INFJ. I've given up trying to be hard and tough and learned to respect my needs. I've learned that being soft spoken and tenderhearted are strengths. I celebrate what it is to be an INFJ. An INFJ is a peach not a walnut and this is a joyful thing. Be fully you, because I celebrate you all as well.
 
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