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  1. #21
    Senior Member MrME's Avatar
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    Not abusive, just uneven. My mother loved both of her kids (myself and my ISFP sister). My father didn't seem to give much of a crap about either of us -- spending most of his time at the pub or sleeping around with his part-time girlfriend.

    I was a jumble of nerves growing up, I got picked on A LOT in school, and could've probably benefitted by some fatherly advice for defending myself, or whatever. Nah, he wasn't interested in helping his kids -- the beer was much more important.

    Not that I'm bitter. :P

    The kids at school also had their own derisive nickname for me and everything. It was all a lot for me to bear, and it affected every aspect of my life. By the time I hit puberty, I was running on full-on Shadow Power. My fears started to overwhelm me until they became full-blown phobias. I couldn't concentrate at school, so I barely scraped by. It sucked.
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  2. #22
    Senior Member StoryOfMyLife's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iwakar View Post
    WHOA. You just described my life. I'm slightly freaked out.
    I suppose it isn't terribly uncommon, though for two people on the same forum to live mirrored childhoods does seem...unlikely? :/ I sympathize with you. It's not easy to grow up in such an environment. My relationship with my mom now is MUCH better as she has come to see a lot of her previous faults. It took until my middle brother had a breakdown of sorts for her to come to terms with the fact that she handles things very aggressively sometimes. Her frustrations in general are usually displaced on those around her, rather than her just owning up to making a mistake or handling her anger otherwise.

    Unfortunately, that same behavior is sort of passed down to myself and both of my brothers. Though I do my best to rein it in and find a healthy outlet [though my temper is quite explosive when I can't seem to find another way to release my anger-- and then I immediately feel guilty about my behavior when I'm through...]. I don't know that it's learned, though I don't see it being hereditary because my grandmother was quite mellow and still is. Then again, my biological grandfather [my mom's dad] used to abuse my gram, sooo...there is that to take into account. I don't think, though, that I am emotionally unstable to a point where I'd ever go too far and abuse my own kids if and when I have them. I'm cautious to that degree- I don't want to end up as a repeat. It's a cycle that needs breaking.
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  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kyrielle View Post
    I'm good at shutting down and shutting things out, if that's what you mean. Right now, I think repression is a bad thing in the long-term. If you do it too long, it starts to come out of you anyway in very dangerous ways. Which is why it's better to experience those shut off parts of yourself little by little. By feeling and coming to terms with whatever it is/was, you will later be free from it and no longer have to worry about keeping it away from you (consciously or unconsciously) all the time.

    It is a good way to survive for the moment until you find your footing again, though.
    haha yeah, the bad thing is that I don't know what I repressed when I was 5 and younger so I used to get intense fits of anger just out of the blue.

  4. #24
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    Not at all. I was exquisitely sensitive as a child though, I felt like I was missing a layer of skin so to speak that everyone else seemed to have. My family were very loving, though my father was quite intimidating to me because of his very dominant, powerful personality. He was fair, I was just very sensitive. I would just kind of watch him awestruck most of the time. It wasn't until I was a little older that I could let myself be seen by him if that makes sense...

  5. #25
    Te > Fi > Ni Shaula's Avatar
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    I think abusive homes are extremely common and I don't believe it has a connection with personality types.

    Quote Originally Posted by Anja View Post
    That's an interesting statement, Halla. I often wonder how one child can come out of an abusive home and become sensitive to the emotions of others, a champion of the underdog. And a sibling from the same environment becomes an abuser.
    I would like to attempt to answer this question on my personal observations on the development of self-esteem.

    Despite popular belief I think people who develop low self-esteem do NOT turn into abusers because their destructive tendencies are directed at themselves. They internalised the negative input from the externatal source (the abuser) and they believe the abuser's opinion of them to be accurate so they enforce it within themselves even long after the abuse has ended. As a result people with low self-esteem feel the need to seek comfort in others. They often do this by finding common ground with other victims. And by empathising with each other both parties can be temporarily relieved from their inner demons. This process feels rewarding so they continue to sympathise and empathise. (Of course those with low self-esteem also seek comfort in self-defeating reckless behaviour but I'm not going to get into that.)

    Whereas individuals who develop high self-esteem (not to be confused with healthy self-esteem) are much more likely to become abusers as their unhealthy traits are projected onto others. They do not believe the abuser's opinion which is forced upon them so they attempt to prove themselves right through domination. If they are successful then they are likely to continue this pattern because it makes them feel good about themselves. It gives them the feeling of power they lacked when they themselves were abused.

    Then there's the people who develop alternating low and high self-esteem and those with healthy self-esteem. But I think I've got the basic point across.

    *Sorry, this isn't very well put together.
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  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by sanveane View Post
    Not at all. I was exquisitely sensitive as a child though, I felt like I was missing a layer of skin so to speak that everyone else seemed to have. My family were very loving, though my father was quite intimidating to me because of his very dominant, powerful personality. He was fair, I was just very sensitive. I would just kind of watch him awestruck most of the time. It wasn't until I was a little older that I could let myself be seen by him if that makes sense...
    I can definitely relate to this. I was also the youngest child in a large family so there was often a feeling that there was a lot of stuff going on that I didn't understand and wasn't a part of. It's funny because as adults my siblings and I are all very close (and have similar personalities - all INFJs or INTJs) but the things that I remember most about my childhood was the constant feeling of being left out - like they were all part of a club that I couldn't join.


    Quote Originally Posted by IDK123 View Post
    haha yeah, the bad thing is that I don't know what I repressed when I was 5 and younger so I used to get intense fits of anger just out of the blue.
    You know, I've often wondered about repressed memories simply because I remember so very little about my childhood. I have memories of certain emotional states, but very few sensory memories. I think I've finally just realized that it's because my sensing and perceiving functions are crap and I view my entire life as a sort of water-color painting. I can always see the big picture and understand the overall emotional impact of an event, but I can't remember details because I never really perceived them in the first place.

  7. #27
    Senior Member Kyrielle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IDK123 View Post
    haha yeah, the bad thing is that I don't know what I repressed when I was 5 and younger so I used to get intense fits of anger just out of the blue.
    Well, in psychology, it's theorised (not sure if it's proven) that actual long-term memory begins after 4 years old when the hippocampus develops completely. Of course you remember how to do things you learned before you were 4, but you don't have any memory of any of the experience of it.
    "I took the one less traveled by,
    And that has made all the difference."

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  8. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rainbows View Post
    I've read some answers that suggest this and others that haven't,
    I know what is true for myself, but what about you?
    My Dad always yelled at me for being sad and said I was feeling sorry for myself.
    My mother was lazy and yelled at us to do work for her, but she enjoyed being in control to the extent she was punish us when we didn't do anything wrong.
    All of my family hated me because I was "weird" and didn't make sense.

    But for the most part everyone swept things underneath the rug and acted like things weren't happening.

    I guess this was fucked up. I never liked it, but in comparison to other families I didn't have it too bad. Some kids are beat or go through a more extreme version of being told the way they are naturally is wrong.

  9. #29
    Senior Member Tiny Army's Avatar
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    I've known a number of deeply traumatised INFJs but I don't think it's a pattern. I just think a sizeable portion of the population are unfit to be parents and the result is traumatised children, regardless of type.

  10. #30
    Senior Member Anja's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by StoryOfMyLife View Post
    I suppose it isn't terribly uncommon, though for two people on the same forum to live mirrored childhoods does seem...unlikely?

    Unfortunately, Story, these kinds of life stories are increasingly becoming the norm. Peope get very good at hiding the kinds of abuse they "come from." Sometimes it shows in their behavior or speech, but true to form, many will protect the abusers, and they think themselves, in the process.

    While this seems to be the most rational way to deal with it, it actually prolongs/prevents the healing process. And the recognition that we aren't alone. And how much work this society needs to do to clean up it's act regarding young people.
    "No ray of sunshine is ever lost, but the green which it awakes into existence needs time to sprout, and it is not always granted to the sower to see the harvest. All work that is worth anything is done in faith." - Albert Schweitzer

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