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[INFJ] Is it common for INFJ's to come out of abusive/neglectful homes?

MrME

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Not abusive, just uneven. My mother loved both of her kids (myself and my ISFP sister). My father didn't seem to give much of a crap about either of us -- spending most of his time at the pub or sleeping around with his part-time girlfriend.

I was a jumble of nerves growing up, I got picked on A LOT in school, and could've probably benefitted by some fatherly advice for defending myself, or whatever. Nah, he wasn't interested in helping his kids -- the beer was much more important.

Not that I'm bitter. :p

The kids at school also had their own derisive nickname for me and everything. It was all a lot for me to bear, and it affected every aspect of my life. By the time I hit puberty, I was running on full-on Shadow Power. My fears started to overwhelm me until they became full-blown phobias. I couldn't concentrate at school, so I barely scraped by. It sucked.
 

StoryOfMyLife

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WHOA. You just described my life. I'm slightly freaked out.

I suppose it isn't terribly uncommon, though for two people on the same forum to live mirrored childhoods does seem...unlikely? :/ I sympathize with you. It's not easy to grow up in such an environment. My relationship with my mom now is MUCH better as she has come to see a lot of her previous faults. It took until my middle brother had a breakdown of sorts for her to come to terms with the fact that she handles things very aggressively sometimes. Her frustrations in general are usually displaced on those around her, rather than her just owning up to making a mistake or handling her anger otherwise.

Unfortunately, that same behavior is sort of passed down to myself and both of my brothers. Though I do my best to rein it in and find a healthy outlet [though my temper is quite explosive when I can't seem to find another way to release my anger-- and then I immediately feel guilty about my behavior when I'm through...]. I don't know that it's learned, though I don't see it being hereditary because my grandmother was quite mellow and still is. Then again, my biological grandfather [my mom's dad] used to abuse my gram, sooo...there is that to take into account. I don't think, though, that I am emotionally unstable to a point where I'd ever go too far and abuse my own kids if and when I have them. I'm cautious to that degree- I don't want to end up as a repeat. It's a cycle that needs breaking.
 
G

Glycerine

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I'm good at shutting down and shutting things out, if that's what you mean. Right now, I think repression is a bad thing in the long-term. If you do it too long, it starts to come out of you anyway in very dangerous ways. Which is why it's better to experience those shut off parts of yourself little by little. By feeling and coming to terms with whatever it is/was, you will later be free from it and no longer have to worry about keeping it away from you (consciously or unconsciously) all the time.

It is a good way to survive for the moment until you find your footing again, though.

haha yeah, the bad thing is that I don't know what I repressed when I was 5 and younger so I used to get intense fits of anger just out of the blue.
 
V

violaine

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Not at all. I was exquisitely sensitive as a child though, I felt like I was missing a layer of skin so to speak that everyone else seemed to have. My family were very loving, though my father was quite intimidating to me because of his very dominant, powerful personality. He was fair, I was just very sensitive. I would just kind of watch him awestruck most of the time. It wasn't until I was a little older that I could let myself be seen by him if that makes sense...
 

Shaula

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I think abusive homes are extremely common and I don't believe it has a connection with personality types.

That's an interesting statement, Halla. I often wonder how one child can come out of an abusive home and become sensitive to the emotions of others, a champion of the underdog. And a sibling from the same environment becomes an abuser.
I would like to attempt to answer this question on my personal observations on the development of self-esteem.

Despite popular belief I think people who develop low self-esteem do NOT turn into abusers because their destructive tendencies are directed at themselves. They internalised the negative input from the externatal source (the abuser) and they believe the abuser's opinion of them to be accurate so they enforce it within themselves even long after the abuse has ended. As a result people with low self-esteem feel the need to seek comfort in others. They often do this by finding common ground with other victims. And by empathising with each other both parties can be temporarily relieved from their inner demons. This process feels rewarding so they continue to sympathise and empathise. (Of course those with low self-esteem also seek comfort in self-defeating reckless behaviour but I'm not going to get into that.)

Whereas individuals who develop high self-esteem (not to be confused with healthy self-esteem) are much more likely to become abusers as their unhealthy traits are projected onto others. They do not believe the abuser's opinion which is forced upon them so they attempt to prove themselves right through domination. If they are successful then they are likely to continue this pattern because it makes them feel good about themselves. It gives them the feeling of power they lacked when they themselves were abused.

Then there's the people who develop alternating low and high self-esteem and those with healthy self-esteem. But I think I've got the basic point across.

*Sorry, this isn't very well put together.
 

eclare

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Not at all. I was exquisitely sensitive as a child though, I felt like I was missing a layer of skin so to speak that everyone else seemed to have. My family were very loving, though my father was quite intimidating to me because of his very dominant, powerful personality. He was fair, I was just very sensitive. I would just kind of watch him awestruck most of the time. It wasn't until I was a little older that I could let myself be seen by him if that makes sense...

I can definitely relate to this. I was also the youngest child in a large family so there was often a feeling that there was a lot of stuff going on that I didn't understand and wasn't a part of. It's funny because as adults my siblings and I are all very close (and have similar personalities - all INFJs or INTJs) but the things that I remember most about my childhood was the constant feeling of being left out - like they were all part of a club that I couldn't join.


haha yeah, the bad thing is that I don't know what I repressed when I was 5 and younger so I used to get intense fits of anger just out of the blue.

You know, I've often wondered about repressed memories simply because I remember so very little about my childhood. I have memories of certain emotional states, but very few sensory memories. I think I've finally just realized that it's because my sensing and perceiving functions are crap and I view my entire life as a sort of water-color painting. I can always see the big picture and understand the overall emotional impact of an event, but I can't remember details because I never really perceived them in the first place.
 

Kyrielle

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haha yeah, the bad thing is that I don't know what I repressed when I was 5 and younger so I used to get intense fits of anger just out of the blue.

Well, in psychology, it's theorised (not sure if it's proven) that actual long-term memory begins after 4 years old when the hippocampus develops completely. Of course you remember how to do things you learned before you were 4, but you don't have any memory of any of the experience of it.
 

Chimerical

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I've read some answers that suggest this and others that haven't,
I know what is true for myself, but what about you?

My Dad always yelled at me for being sad and said I was feeling sorry for myself.
My mother was lazy and yelled at us to do work for her, but she enjoyed being in control to the extent she was punish us when we didn't do anything wrong.
All of my family hated me because I was "weird" and didn't make sense.

But for the most part everyone swept things underneath the rug and acted like things weren't happening.

I guess this was fucked up. I never liked it, but in comparison to other families I didn't have it too bad. Some kids are beat or go through a more extreme version of being told the way they are naturally is wrong.
 

Tiny Army

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I've known a number of deeply traumatised INFJs but I don't think it's a pattern. I just think a sizeable portion of the population are unfit to be parents and the result is traumatised children, regardless of type.
 

Anja

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I suppose it isn't terribly uncommon, though for two people on the same forum to live mirrored childhoods does seem...unlikely?


Unfortunately, Story, these kinds of life stories are increasingly becoming the norm. Peope get very good at hiding the kinds of abuse they "come from." Sometimes it shows in their behavior or speech, but true to form, many will protect the abusers, and they think themselves, in the process.

While this seems to be the most rational way to deal with it, it actually prolongs/prevents the healing process. And the recognition that we aren't alone. And how much work this society needs to do to clean up it's act regarding young people.
 

MrRandom

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I've known a number of deeply traumatised INFJs but I don't think it's a pattern. I just think a sizeable portion of the population are unfit to be parents and the result is traumatised children, regardless of type.

Traumatic... it's a word that rings a bell. As I said earlier, I come from a very loving family, but outside home I had a couple of traumatic long-term issues. They've had a lasting effect on me. I suppose a difficult childhood might produce more introverted and imaginative (daydreaming of a better world) adults?
 

MrME

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I've known a number of deeply traumatised INFJs but I don't think it's a pattern. I just think a sizeable portion of the population are unfit to be parents and the result is traumatised children, regardless of type.

Word to your mother.

</rimshot>
 

tibby

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I've known a number of deeply traumatised INFJs but I don't think it's a pattern.

I wonder how adept are INFJs to deal with traumatic experiences? Is INFJsness a burdensome in this sense or a blessing?

ESTJ and ENFJ I know both come from very traumatic childhoods, yet I see a remarkable difference in the way they deal with it. ESTJ might not seem to be affected as much as the result of it, but at the same time is unable to deal with the issues and escapes them - to material and artificial world of appearances, money, status and immediate pleasure, whatever. The ENFJ on the other hand has had a rougher road because of her sensitivity, but has also gained so much more, has been able to get peace with the stuff, no matter how hard it is, has a much more open-ended (optimistic) and philosophical view of the world anyway, is just somehow "liberated".

I've had traumatic experiences - but in retrospect, I've gained so much more from them, have become the most happiest and peaceful person I thought I could ever become, sort of like turned out all the things in my personality and thinking (patterns, philosophical, rationality) and those experiences in my own advantage.

I think it all comes down to how you regard things (might be a bit stoic view). I don't think INFJs become from more abused/neglectful homes or environments, we may perceive them as such more easily (not to say there aren't those that do come from extremely damaging homes) but we're just more sensitive to all of that. I'm not saying it's a good or a bad thing - again, how you regard it :) But honestly, I think it's a good thing, if you have the ability to go through everything you need to go through in order to get to a point where you can be at peace with yourself. Living easier as an e.g. ESTJ might be sure, as they don't "overanalyze" or "think too much about stuff", but for instance I would never choose that. To experience such difficult things and overcome them - is the most rewarding and enriching thing a human can do in his/her life.

Sorry for I got a little out of topic here.
 

redacted

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I'd say I came from a dysfunctional family that also experienced a fair amount of trauma/tragedy on top of underlying dysfunction: (Mom with Borderline Personality Disorder who came from a very abusive home- vicious cycle thing - Father was terminally ill/died - BPD Mom developed codependent relationship w/children & dated men who abused her & her 2 kids - Mom abused alcohol; kids carried her to bed, etc/we were always to blame & I still am today - Brother was killed violently/suddenly -I'm still in a weird relationship w/my BPD mom.. feel responsible for her well being... she's emotionally abusive though.. it's maddening.. she's all I've got left.. y'know..)

I'd say my type developed as it has.. as almost a mental survival mechanism, really.

Wow. My mom is BPD too (in my opinion, she's not diagnosed).

Yeah, I think type can be somewhat of a response to an environment, too.

Maybe this question would work better for type 9 INFJs, actually.
 

Lexicon

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Wow. My mom is BPD too (in my opinion, she's not diagnosed).

Yeah, I think type can be somewhat of a response to an environment, too.

Maybe this question would work better for type 9 INFJs, actually.




Yeah, my mom was never officially diagnosed, however she fits all the diagnostic criteria, & psychologists I have spoken with about her behavior patterns/emotional issues/turbulent interpersonal relationships, etc, have all agreed that's a likely diagnosis, though of course they couldn't be certain without offically evaluating her. Of course, my mom would never go for that. Damn black & white perspective on reality.. to her it would mean she was irreparably fucked up and insane. Which.. well.. in some ways she kinda is, but you get what I mean. The -ALL GOOD or ALL BAD- no gray area- outlook... it's gotta be so stressful to see the world that way constantly.

Just curious, what's your mom's MBTI?
Mine's an ISFJ.


I could see how the initial thread topic might apply moreso to type 9 INFJs.
I'm a 5. I think I may have used to fit the description of 9s when I was younger. I also had a lot less self value back then, something I attribute directly to upbringing/childhood experiences.. hmm.
 

redacted

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Yeah, my mom was never officially diagnosed, however she fits all the diagnostic criteria, & psychologists I have spoken with about her behavior patterns/emotional issues/turbulent interpersonal relationships, etc, have all agreed that's a likely diagnosis, though of course they couldn't be certain without offically evaluating her. Of course, my mom would never go for that. Damn black & white perspective on reality.. to her it would mean she was irreparably fucked up and insane. Which.. well.. in some ways she kinda is, but you get what I mean. The -ALL GOOD or ALL BAD- no gray area- outlook... it's gotta be so stressful to see the world that way constantly.

Just curious, what's your mom's MBTI?
Mine's an ISFJ.


I could see how the initial thread topic might apply moreso to type 9 INFJs.
I'm a 5. I think I may have used to fit the description of 9s when I was younger. I also had a lot less self value back then, something I attribute directly to upbringing/childhood experiences.. hmm.

My mom is ISTJ...although I think she has stronger Fi than Te. (And her mom is also a BPD ISTJ...)

P.S. How sure are you that you're a 5? (I'm sorry, I'm using my and magic's system here...) 5 and 9 are both avoiders (mostly weigh cons relatively higher than pros). But in terms of emotion control, 5 is suppressed (pushing emotions to the side), whereas 9 is controlled (spending effort trying to figure out which emotions are worth embracing/projecting and which are worth hiding/suppressing). It seems like IFJs are pretty likely to be controlled or turbulent (not a great word, I guess, but it means that emotions mostly just flow out as they come) -- suppressed seems the least likely. (The emotion variable has 3 possible values: suppressing, turbulent, controlling)
 

Silent Stars

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I'm fairly certain that any type could come from a neglectful/abusive household, though perhaps it is true that INFJ or I types are more receptive to it than others...

Growing up, I suffered from a lot of abuse- be it verbal, mental, or physical. My mother was single and too proud sometimes to just accept help from other family members, yet also then liked to play the victim card in saying that it was all my fault that she had to be a parent so young. [Yes, she used to tell me it was my fault I was born and that she should have gone through with the abortion her best friend talked her out of doing]. Then she married my step-dad who proceeded to abuse <i>her</i> for the first, oh...5 or 6 years they were married. And I got the brunt of the accusations as being the reason WHY they fought so often. On top of trying to keep my little brothers sheltered from that as much as I could...

My mom has gotten much less aggressive, as has my step-father [he's still a jack ass regardless] and for the worst of it, I suppose I've come out better than some people might have. My middle brother is having a lot of emotional issues, though they are being worked through [he is an ENTP, however]- and the youngest of us seems to have no cares in the world...I don't know if this is because most of the worst happened when I was a child, or if I was just more sensitive to it all.
Yeah, that's pretty much me as well, though I was never physically abused myself, but my step-dad threatened me on a few occasions and my mom ended up calling the cops. I also was blamed for quite a few things I had nothing at all to do with, including their marital problems, which, of course, didn't end when my mom kicked me out.
 

Lexicon

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My mom is ISTJ...although I think she has stronger Fi than Te. (And her mom is also a BPD ISTJ...)

P.S. How sure are you that you're a 5? (I'm sorry, I'm using my and magic's system here...) 5 and 9 are both avoiders (mostly weigh cons relatively higher than pros). But in terms of emotion control, 5 is suppressed (pushing emotions to the side), whereas 9 is controlled (spending effort trying to figure out which emotions are worth embracing/projecting and which are worth hiding/suppressing). It seems like IFJs are pretty likely to be controlled or turbulent (not a great word, I guess, but it means that emotions mostly just flow out as they come) -- suppressed seems the least likely. (The emotion variable has 3 possible values: suppressing, turbulent, controlling)

Every time I've tested I've come out a 5.
I'm not sure if this makes a difference at all, but I've always tested out as INFJ, with the exception of perhaps 2 occasions, where I came out INTJ.
Over the more recent years, I've found myself rationalizing/analyzing/finding patterns in a more linear way that I had previously.
My best friends are an INTJ & INTP. I can relate to them, but at the same time I sense very disctinct differences in our decisionmaking/insights of ourselves & others/how we handle our emotions, etc.. they're what I would have referred to in the past as "colder" regarding certain aspects of life that I could be, however at the same time I value their logic.

Eh, makes sense I'd score something on the Enneagram that's not quite 'typical' of IFJs in general.. I have difficulty relating on an extremely profound level to anyone here, regardless of type. Goes for IRL as well.

Meh. I'm an alien. I'm cool with it, I s'pose. :rolli:
 

redacted

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Every time I've tested I've come out a 5.
I'm not sure if this makes a difference at all, but I've always tested out as INFJ, with the exception of perhaps 2 occasions, where I came out INTJ.
Over the more recent years, I've found myself rationalizing/analyzing/finding patterns in a more linear way that I had previously.
My best friends are an INTJ & INTP. I can relate to them, but at the same time I sense very disctinct differences in our decisionmaking/insights of ourselves & others/how we handle our emotions, etc.. they're what I would have referred to in the past as "colder" regarding certain aspects of life that I could be, however at the same time I value their logic.

Eh, makes sense I'd score something on the Enneagram that's not quite 'typical' of IFJs in general.. I have difficulty relating on an extremely profound level to anyone here, regardless of type. Goes for IRL as well.

Meh. I'm an alien. I'm cool with it, I s'pose. :rolli:

Testing doesn't mean that much...I usually come out INTP unless I fudge my answers.

:)

Check out my system (in my sig)?
 

Lexicon

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Testing doesn't mean that much...I usually come out INTP unless I fudge my answers.

:)

Check out my system (in my sig)?

"So then we have avoidant types. They generally over-estimate the cost end of cost-benefit analyses. These people tend to spend more time on avoiding what they don't like than they do on seeking what they do like. When they can't avoid stress, they often fall into an almost fatalistic state of passivity. Throwing weight around is something these types seem to have particular distaste for. These types are 4, 5, and 9.


The suppressive types try to keep their emotions from speaking up. They tend to believe that they can work best when they are not hearing their emotions much or at all. By default they are well composed people. But when they fail to successfully suppress their emotions, it often results in awkward displays. These types are 1, 3, and 5."



:thinking: Of the descriptions of the categories provided, these were all I could relate to.

I used to be more overtly expressive with selective emotions a few yrs ago, but it's slowly become pretty much the above described. I experience my emotions, but I make a conscious decision not to respond to them, especially when I'm working on/toward something. They're all a pot of boiling water I willingly place on the backburner to maintain overall efficiency and clarity in situations.

It's funny, my INFP friend makes a note of it.. gets all excited.. on the rare occasions I'm caught off guard and burst out laughing at something. Like, audibly laugh. I didn't even notice I never laugh out loud. Or jump up and down all excited. Very rare, and when it's pointed out, my initial emotional response is an exposed & vulnerable feeling.


I suppose it may make sense.. at least in my mind.. to psychologically survive after the upbringing I had, I needed to shut out negative emotions; tune out my own internal pain.
If I didn't.. there are times I'm pretty sure I would have given up, and ended my life.
After my brother died, I gained this increasing sense of urgency that I want to do so much with my life... and I still had a lot of emotional hurdles to get through. It became all the more 'safe' & 'beneficial for happiness/health longterm' in my subconscious, to suppress/set aside all my emotional responses to my immediate environment, unpleasant & otherwise. I mean, I still feel. It's just in a more detached sort of way.. if that makes sense..
 
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