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[ENFP] How do you stay angry as an ENFP?

Queen Kat

The Duchess of Oddity
Joined
Apr 3, 2009
Messages
3,053
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E.T.
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Depends. If someone gets me real mad, they have me mad for the rest of their live. BUT, if I love that person, I get really angry, but then I forgive them a few hours later, it doesn't really matter what they have done then. If someone gets me a bit mad, and I don't love that person or whatever, I tend to focus on their bad sides and after they've made me angry, I'll remember them as nerds or jerks or whatever for the rest of my life. Fortunately, I don't get angry very quickly.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
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Nov 5, 2008
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14,717
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4dw
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sx/so
You don't, generally. We're not build for being angry.
 

seeker22

New member
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Apr 14, 2009
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173
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XNTJ
Great post. So true for me as an ENFP - I have a quick "recovery rate" when wronged. My friends often remark on how I have strong resilience when it comes to being wronged, and how I don't hold grudges. However, it can also keep us involved with unhealthy people.

I think it's a matter of identifying that person's PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR. With most people who you spend time with, you know what their general behavioral patterns are.

What is their nature? It's like the parable of the scorpion and the frog - the scorpion offers the frog a ride on his back and promises not to sting him. So, the frog hops on and the scorpion stings him and kills him - because it's the scorpion's NATURE no matter what he *promised.* He just couldn't help himself or change/resist his own nature. So, pay attention to people's natures and behavioral patterns - that is the best predictor of what can be expected.

Of course, this is where our natural optimism and (misguided) hope can get us in trouble - we look for the best in people or believe they will change.

Oh and I don't think we are doormats - and here's why: we WILL address the issue. We don't just sweep it under the rug. We assert ourselves. Once we address it, we drop it and move on.

I liked the analogy of each person having their own glass that's filled with droplets of water when a wrong occurs, and to look at what level that person's glass is filled to... Thanks for sharing.
 

mortabunt

Permabanned
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Apr 10, 2009
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963
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type
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I have OP's problem. However, if I don't forget in withing like about 1 hour, then I develop a hatred that I can unleash. It's like tapping into a new source of rage.
 

Tiny Army

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Jan 12, 2009
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Well I forget isolated events really quickly... until the next one. Then I remember all past transgressions. Eventually if the wrongs done outweigh the benefit of the relationship I am out of there like a shot. No explanation. No confrontation. I just drop off the face of the earth.
 

ergophobe

Allergic to Mornings
Joined
Apr 26, 2009
Messages
1,210
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ENFP
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7w6
Well I forget isolated events really quickly... until the next one. Then I remember all past transgressions. Eventually if the wrongs done outweigh the benefit of the relationship I am out of there like a shot. No explanation. No confrontation. I just drop off the face of the earth.

:yes:

This is rare and SO many chances would have to be ruined before I give up completely on the person. However once I have put the person in my "out" pile, there's no coming back. I also provide enough feedback and have absolutely no trouble expressing displeasure right up to that point on the bevy of wrongs building up so no 'additional' explanation is required once the threshold is crossed.

For most people in my life, there is little that really gets me upset at them.
 

Tiny Army

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Yeah, again takes a really long time for me, too. I have a tendency to keep unhealthy influences in my life for a really long time. I always confront them about my issues but I apparently have a sign on my head that says "Don't take me seriously! I don't actually mean it when I say you can't spend all my goddamn money/borrow my clothes whenever you please/make me clean up after you/do most of this project for you. Please go right ahead!"
 

BerberElla

12 and a half weeks
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
2,725
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infp
Great post. So true for me as an ENFP - I have a quick "recovery rate" when wronged. My friends often remark on how I have strong resilience when it comes to being wronged, and how I don't hold grudges. However, it can also keep us involved with unhealthy people.

Me too, but it's with 50% admiration and 50% disgust at how overly forgiving I am ie half of them approve, half of them want to kick me up the backside.

I get mad but like the OP I forget, I have been through the emotions associated with my anger at whatever they have done, and dealt with them all within minutes or hours, maybe a day or two.

However I have a line, it might not be as quick to reach it as other peoples lines, but it's there and once you step over it, you step into the minefield that is me in pure rage mode, and no one wants to go there, believe me lol.

One you step on that land mine, you don't survive, and you don't get to know me ever again.
 

nomadic

mountain surfing
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Jul 15, 2008
Messages
1,709
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enfp
mmm...

sometimes i would have to resort to fisticuffs

i was a natural as a boxer in college. everything slows down

once ppl know, they don't really treat u as a doormat

when it comes to girls, i like looking at them in the eyes as they are somehow wronging me and pretend i dunno anything. so its good imagery when you cut them off. or its something worth yelling at a girl about, i'll tell them to bring their bf or brother around so i can beat them up instead. lolz
 

CzeCze

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Sep 11, 2007
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GONE
As I've gotten older and taken care of some of the core issues that held me in the throes of anxiety and depression and other emotional/mood issues - I've naturally started letting things go. It's the damnedest thing, after a while, it just doesn't worry or bother me as much. Or make me as angry.

I don't even have to will myself to not be angry or tell myself to let it go - intellectually and ethically I may still know I have a right or that I was wronged - I just don't feel emotionally charged up about the issue/matter.

This is a recent development, say in the last year. I'm still not sure what to make of it.

It seems like it should be a good thing, but not so sure.

Caring is the heart of an Fi dom. When I cease to 'care' about something, no longer angry etc. at the thought of it without having resolved the issue - makes me worry just a teensy tiny tad.

Now if I stayed all "het up" (as another member says) about something and then talked myself off that ledge, that would be one thing.

But to just let it go emotionally and sub(?)consciously without that kind of "processing" - it seems defeatist. I don't like it.

Will have to think more about this...
 

alcea rosea

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How do you stay angry as an ENFP?

I don't stay angry for long.
I replace anger with evasive behavior, sometimes.
 

ergophobe

Allergic to Mornings
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I've naturally started letting things go. It's the damnedest thing, after a while, it just doesn't worry or bother me as much. Or make me as angry.

I don't even have to will myself to not be angry or tell myself to let it go - intellectually and ethically I may still know I have a right or that I was wronged - I just don't feel emotionally charged up about the issue/matter.

This is true for me as well. It seems a natural process of prioritizing - whatever it is that we can let go just isn't that important in the large scheme of things. I value being able to get to that place of perspective. I'm taking it as a sign of emotional maturity - being more discerning about where to invest emotional energy. Also, I know I work really hard at getting closure or reaching a resolution first before getting to the point where letting go seems right. If most efforts fail, it's really quite wonderful to be able to let things go. It is more organic now than it used to be.

OP -- I think the key is taking action against the object of your anger/hurt but not keeping the anger/hurt with you forever. The how needs more thought. I'll come back with thoughts on how when I can articulate them better.
 

Scott N Denver

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Apr 25, 2009
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As an INFP I have a hard time staying angry with people, even when they 250% deserve it!!!

I'll make up all sorts of thoughts like "I'm sure they didn't REALLY mean that" or "I'm sure they didn't mean it in THAT way" or "they were just in a bad mood, people get nasty sometimts when they are in bad moods, I can't hold that against them" or "well, MAYBE, if I just did ___ the whole situation would repair itself", and......

I think its the Fi in overdrive trying to see good and noble intentions in others, even when those are totally not present
 

sculpting

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Jan 28, 2009
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4,148
I forgive-and worse-FORGET far too quickly.

I can forgive anybody of anything as long as they apologize and really mean it.
We are endless optimists it seems and being able to see anything from any angle makes it hard not to see why someone may have screwed up.

Until you step on the tertiary Te...
For me I use Fi like a net over large groups of people. If you do something that threatens that large group, then I become ENTJ like in my willingness to go to battle and I will destroy you.

Then I will forgive your ashes and put them in a pretty pot up on the mantle and think about all the good things you did. :)

To maintain distance logic may be the best bet. Write down the reasons why you need to avoid the person, things you are angry about, and hang it on the fridge. Remind yourself of why the distance is important.
 

Laurie

Was E.laur
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I don't even remember who I was angry with when I started this thread.
 

Kasper

Diabolical
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Why would you want to stay angry at someone or hate them? Sounds like such a waste of energy. As long as you don't let people walk all over your boundaries being unable to stay angry is a good thing.

If you allow people to treat you badly or like a doormat as others have suggested then get assertive, not emotionally reactive.

Anger is such a wasted emotion, it often results in returned anger or at least lost trust and the other person is rarely as put out or anywhere near as affected as you are, the one who’s angry is usually the one who suffers the most.
 

Moiety

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Aug 3, 2008
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Why would you want to stay angry at someone or hate them? Sounds like such a waste of energy. As long as you don't let people walk all over your boundaries being unable to stay angry is a good thing.

If you allow people to treat you badly or like a doormat as others have suggested then get assertive, not emotionally reactive.

Anger is such a wasted emotion, it often results in returned anger or at least lost trust and the other person is rarely as put out or anywhere near as affected as you are, the one who’s angry is usually the one who suffers the most.

Well agree. Words of wisdom. :)
 

Rachelinpa

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Aug 4, 2008
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878
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ENFP
it's just like i'm constantly adjusting my perception of people...almost always accepting but adapt to new information..like to use kyuuei's example say someone steals something...i'll confront them...resolve it understand it and then redefine them as a person with x problem that can't be trusted with x...and so we'll never be close on any deep level but...i can accept them for who they are and relate to them in this new way...just more guarded i guess.


Yeah, this makes sense to me. I think this is why I don't stay angry... cause while I adjust how I see them, I am able to accept them in a different way.
 

Nonsensical

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Aug 2, 2008
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When I get angry with somone, I get pretty cold. I'll usually try to isolate myself from them, though..time seems to heal the fustration.

It's funny, I kind of like being mad at someone, and I think to myself that I want to stay mad at this person for a while and not talk to them, but the next day I'll want to make up, and all of the anger will have deteriorated.

I guess it's a good thing, I don't really hold grudges that way.
 
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