I've been examining myself... and realize that I made some rather major errors in the way I lived my life. I always thought I was doing the best thing possible by just focusing on getting good grades, taking no risks in order to get my high school diploma, and not taking any time to involve myself with people. I thought that if I did that, I wouldn't have any regrets or embarrassments when I looked back later. Sure enough, I have no embarrassments, but I do have regrets.
The thing is, I've realized that I'm trapped inside a maze that I unconsciously and unwittingly created. I've always tried to avoid asking other people for anything, and in the situations I dealt with before, I was always able to get by this way. The thing is, I'm now in a situation where I do absolutely nothing all day except sit around, go on the computer, and sleep... and I don't know how to get out of it. My mother doesn't seem to know how to help me, because all she really does is go to work and come home to watch television.
I did try going to work for my father for a couple months... but that didn't help, because I basically just ended up falling into the same old routine I had there before, and ended up focusing on just getting work done all the time like I had in school there. I wasn't even learning how to do anything I didn't already know how to do. It didn't make me feel better at all, and if anything made me feel guilty because of the nepotism involved. So I ended up leaving to go back home... my father yelling at me for being in a "pissy" mood too early in the morning one day was the last straw.
Every possibility I seem to be aware of for moving forward involves reaching out to other people for some kind of help, but there are three reasons I can't do that. The first one is that I don't know how to do that effectively because I never learned how, and the second one is that I never made any kind of connections to other people, so there's no one to reach out to. The third reason is that I missed the main opportunity I had to learn this (which was in high school), so I don't have it now.
The most annoying thing about this, is that whenever I ask for help regarding a problem, people just tell me to do some kind of advanced process that involves other people without any kind of explanation, taking it for granted that I have this skill and people to use with it. They really don't seem to get that I don't have it, especially since I'm sometimes capable of coming off as more well-adjusted than I actually am.
It explains how the other students survived school without paying as much attention or thinking as hard as I did... each of them knew how to do one or two things, and they all tapped into some kind of human network that allowed them to share those abilities with each other and be effective. Unfortunately, I never learned anything about that, but everyone expects that it's something I understand at this point in my life. Everyone else has evolved this skill to such a level that they make what I can do individually seem insignificant, even though earlier on it was less than what I could do individually. They evolved right past me, in other words.
So, I guess what I'm saying is... it was a mistake for me shut other people out to the extent that I did, and it's very likely that I've screwed myself over for life because I didn't use the opportunity to learn how to connect to them when I had it, being certain that even though it looked like it would be interesting, I'd be rewarded for sacrificing it just to focus on my work in the end. Now I can't help myself, and there's no else to help me.
So, my message is this... whatever you do, don't end up like me... a person who spends months inside just sitting in front of a computer feeling sorry for themselves. I kind of doubt many people would have ended up like me anyway, but if you see signs of it... just try not to.