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  1. #1
    half-nut member briochick's Avatar
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    Default How can you tell if an INFJ likes your company?

    So, I met an INFJ girl recently. Basically I've been really isolated as a foreigner where I am so I kind of started to make a squeaky wheel of myself around other foreigners and she kind of took me up on my offer to hang out. We've hung out twice now. I did pretty much all the talking the first time and a good chunk of it this time (but not all of it, ha!).

    I've noticed a few things about her:

    1. She's really afraid people won't like her (and why is that exactly? she's SOOO nice. Only stupid people wouldn't like her).
    2. She does not usually state directly what she likes or dislikes.
    3. She will go really out of her way for another person.
    4. Sometimes she feels ignored, hurt, and/or stepped on by other people.
    5. She is subtle.
    6. She also seems really calm around me, and when I said that and that I liked it she said she only seemed calm when she was uncomfortable.
    7. She'll let me interrupt her and keep talking until I've forgotten what my original topic was and then just smile sweetly as I try and backtrack to figure out what the point was supposed to be.

    Now considering point 2 and 5 it makes me wonder if point 6 is an indication that she does not enjoy spending time with me or I am not making her feel at ease. Neither are good in my book. But, when I try and troubleshoot, like tell her she doesn't have to be nice, or she can leave if she needs to, or apologize if I think something I said might have been taken the wrong way, *then* she sometimes seems somewhat hurt.

    But...she seems so nice to everyone and I know I seem like someone who needs a friend, but I really don't want her to feel like she *needs* to hang out with me because I *need* a friend. Basically, how do I tell if she really does like hanging out with me and if she does than how do I facilitate more of that?
    -Brio

    "I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life; I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well."
    -Teddy Roosevelt
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  2. #2
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by briochick View Post
    1. She's really afraid people won't like her (and why is that exactly? she's SOOO nice. Only stupid people wouldn't like her).
    Not everyone likes nice people. Especially when those nice people are also "weird."

    2. She does not usually state directly what she likes or dislikes.
    I'm big on this. When people who I'm not very familiar with ask me how I feel about something I'll shrug my shoulders or say I don't know. I'll never offer an opinion on something that could possibly cause friction unless I believe that the person/people I'm speaking with will be willing to listen instead of debate with me or dismiss me.

    3. She will go really out of her way for another person.
    4. Sometimes she feels ignored, hurt, and/or stepped on by other people.
    5. She is subtle.
    Yes, yes, and yes.

    7. She'll let me interrupt her and keep talking until I've forgotten what my original topic was and then just smile sweetly as I try and backtrack to figure out what the point was supposed to be.
    I like talking to people so if they are really talkative I'll keep listening intently even if they interrupt me. People are just so interesting

    Now considering point 2 and 5 it makes me wonder if point 6 is an indication that she does not enjoy spending time with me or I am not making her feel at ease.
    I don't think so. She just doesn't know you that well yet so she isn't going to be a completely open book. Over time she may open up to you.

    when I try and troubleshoot, like tell her she doesn't have to be nice, or she can leave if she needs to, or apologize if I think something I said might have been taken the wrong way, *then* she sometimes seems somewhat hurt.
    She may think you do not enjoy her company or think she is too accomodating.

    Basically, how do I tell if she really does like hanging out with me and if she does than how do I facilitate more of that?
    When she begins talking about herself more and initiating contact. I don't know if there is anything you can do to facilitate the process, but I can tell you how you can prevent this from ever happening. Being very critical or dismissive of her ideas or opinions. Nothing will turn her cold faster.

  3. #3
    half-nut member briochick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lauren Ashley View Post
    1. Not everyone likes nice people. Especially when those nice people are also "weird."

    2. I don't think so. She just doesn't know you that well yet so she isn't going to be a completely open book. Over time she may open up to you.

    3. She may think you do not enjoy her company or think she is too accommodating.

    4. Being very critical or dismissive of her ideas or opinions. Nothing will turn her cold faster.
    1. I reiterate that those people are stupid. But then, I'm a little weird myself. Anyway, what I'm saying is I can't see the reasoning behind not liking someone if A.they don't cling to you like a staticy sock on laundry day B. are truly nice people, or maybe not even truly, just kind of nice people and C. Don't drag you into anything unhealthy. All other reasons seem entirely ridiculous to me, but I will take your word that there are actually people that think like that. *huffs* But I say they need to grow up.

    2. That's cool. I can wait. Besides, I kinda like trying to figure her out.

    3. Lol, see, this is what happens when you stick two nice people together.

    4. Thank you very very much. I'll make a special effort to not do those things.
    -Brio

    "I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life; I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well."
    -Teddy Roosevelt
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  4. #4
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    You seem to be doing fine. INFJs can be very slow to open... it comes with the territory.

    Also, if you think this girl could be a good friend, then just make yourself OK with the fact that you will likely have to do the inviting in the beginning. Some INFJs require a bit of work to get passed that first layer. Consider it a good chance for YOU to step out of YOUR comfort zone a bit. She'll likely get to the point where she feels comfortable initiating contact.

    I'm not sure what kind of activities you guys do when you hang out, but try doing something somewhat active that is fun or interesting. Something to reach that Se of theirs.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by briochick View Post
    6. She also seems really calm around me, and when I said that and that I liked it she said she only seemed calm when she was uncomfortable.
    7. She'll let me interrupt her and keep talking until I've forgotten what my original topic was and then just smile sweetly as I try and backtrack to figure out what the point was supposed to be.

    But, when I try and troubleshoot, like tell her she doesn't have to be nice, or she can leave if she needs to, or apologize if I think something I said might have been taken the wrong way, *then* she sometimes seems somewhat hurt.
    6. I love that, it's just classic. INFJ is like a duck -- smooth and motionless on the surface -- underneath, paddling like mad.

    7. Not to make you paranoid, but try not to interrupt her. She won't push to assert herself over you and you'll wind up thinking she has nothing to say while she's given up because she thinks she can't get a word in edgewise. I say this because if someone talks until they can't remember their point, I can give them cue words to put them back on track because I've been listening to every little twist and turn. So my first thought was to wonder why she's not cuing you back up so you can continue. Maybe it's because she is thinking about how she missed her chance to talk. It's also absolutely true what Lauren said, we find people fascinating and enjoy listening to people talk, but we won't fight for the podium, so try to listen to her as well as she listens to you. She'll talk more if she sees you're not going to cut her off. There's a lot in there, you have no idea.

    This troubleshooting thing -- she does have to be so nice, and be polite and considerate. Telling her she doesn't have to be that way is criticism. Just let her do her thing.

    I would assume that if she's with you, she likes your company, and go from there.

  6. #6
    half-nut member briochick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    Also, if you think this girl could be a good friend, then just make yourself OK with the fact that you will likely have to do the inviting in the beginning.

    I'm not sure what kind of activities you guys do when you hang out, but try doing something somewhat active that is fun or interesting. Something to reach that Se of theirs.
    Lol, actually she's been the one doing the inviting. I made it clear I'd love to hang out and then I backed off, and then she asked me to hang out and I said yes and *she* backed off. We have been doing active things (went to a skating rink, walked around down town), generally I let her decide what we do. But, I should ask her to hang out with me next time, I don't want her to think it's one sided.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tiltyred View Post
    7. Not to make you paranoid, but

    This troubleshooting thing -- she does have to be so nice, and be polite and considerate. Telling her she doesn't have to be that way is criticism. Just let her do her thing.
    7. haha. I'm always paranoid. No helping it.

    As for troubleshooting...she does? it is?....ok, I'll just deal with that then.

    thanks, guys, again, for your advice and suggestions.
    -Brio

    "I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life; I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well."
    -Teddy Roosevelt
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  7. #7
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by briochick View Post
    Lol, actually she's been the one doing the inviting.
    Oh, I got confused by the "she kind of took me up on my offer to hang out" part. Oops!

    I've never known INFJs to invite someone out unless they enjoyed their company, so I'm pretty sure you're doing just fine.

  8. #8
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    I've never known INFJs to invite someone out unless they enjoyed their company, so I'm pretty sure you're doing just fine.
    Indeed. My default mode is to avoid being around most people for long periods of time; it becomes exhausting after a while. I would only take the initiative to hang out with a person if I really liked them. If she's invited you out, you're doing tremendously well.

  9. #9
    half-nut member briochick's Avatar
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    Thanks. I'll try and not mess it up.
    -Brio

    "I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life; I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well."
    -Teddy Roosevelt
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  10. #10
    Senior Member MrME's Avatar
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    I'll repeat the "try not to interrupt her" comment. That's one of my pet-peeves, and if it becomes a frequent thing, I'll tune the person out when they interrupt.

    Now considering point 2 and 5 it makes me wonder if point 6 is an indication that she does not enjoy spending time with me or I am not making her feel at ease.
    Being nervous around a new person is normal, I wouldn't that read much into it. You should expect, however, that she may remain nervous around you for some time -- especially if she likes you.

    You have an advantage, too, since you're INFP. Two INFs together is a really good pair-up. I met an INFP couple about 3 years ago, and I've never had a friendship go from 0 to BEST in such a short amount of time.

    If you have any strange and abstract thoughts floating around in your head, consider talking about them to see how she responds. Pondering subjects that border on nihilism is also interesting.

    "What is reality?"
    "When you think, do you see shapes in your head?"
    "What do you think is beyond the outer edge of our universe?"

    Questioning the fate of mankind is also a pretty interesting one for INFJ:

    "Do you think mankind will survive another one-thousand years?"

    Stuff like that. I have conversations like this with my INFP friends, and before we know it we're bouncing off the walls. If you are actually interested in discussions like this, that'll be even better -- remember that she can tell when you're being yourself and when you're putting up a front.
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