[INFP] So is there an INFP DoorSlam?

[Siúil a Rúin]

One told me "I do what I want, when I want, that's just who I am. Why can't you just accept this about me?"

That is rather exasperating and is a position that doesn't allow for a healthy relationship with anyone. It sounds like someone never got a spanking.

I guess in a way accepting it goes along with minimizing or eliminating the relationship. I wonder how that person responds to another person who takes the same position, like "when you talk like that my natural response is to want to end the friendship now, so should I also do what I want when I want?"

 

[kiddykat]

^I think at that point, it's about self-preservation..

To maintain a sense of peace, acceptance.. sorta like the death/dying process. DABDA (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance)?

if things get abusive (verbal, emotional/or physical), then I think it's necessary to keep distance, slam door (doesn't mean we can't leave a peep open, for forgiveness), right?

Edit: As an NF, letting go is sometimes, the hardest thing I have to do when I really care about someone.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

Edit: As an NF, letting go is sometimes, the hardest thing I have to do when I really care about someone.

A part of me is wondering if there is a type unlikely to do a door slam. I think most people get fed up with certain others and end relationships. This thread brings it to mind because FPs would naturally be seen as less likely than average to do it, so if there are many who identify with it, perhaps it is something most everyone actually does. Maybe a new thread would be interesting.

 

[kiddykat]

*Knock Knock* Door open? (No Pun intended)

When we get into relationships where we do get cheated, hurt (physically, emotionally, attacked, all of the horrible elements one cannot imagine), we door slam, so we can learn, bc that's where it hurts most? I think perhaps, it's a human thing.. And, that is where I think compatibility is important (personality + values) that generates a sense of understanding so that we *grow* as individuals. When we're around those who bring out the best of us, the more likely the positive the outcome, the more self-actualized we are? I find this discussion really interesting.. Maybe some deal with it better than others (so it seems)? Maybe we need a new thread?

Thx 4 the interesting topic, Heart! *blush*

P.S.- I also think intentions are important, bc it determines whether or not the communication loop works? I see it as the driving force for human behavior (including relationships, politics etc).

 

[OrangeAppled]

The door does not open easily, and once someone is in I am very loyal and will try and see the best in them and be forgiving. I rarely hold grudges after arguments & will try and be compassionate towards behavior I don't even agree with. So when I door slam, it is for good reason.

Most recently it was with a male friend (who I suspect is an INTP, and a very unhealthy one at that) who would get extremely belligerent at times. It started to become verbal abuse, and escalated to the point of him calling me a "stupid c**t", among other things. At that, I completely cut off all contact with him. Being the cold jerk he is, he has not tried to resume contact either.

 

[Meadow]

I haven't ever given the doorslam in the 2 romantic relationships I've had but I've done it many times with friends in the past.

 

[A window to the soul]

Door Slam...

Yes. Never tell me you love me on the first date.

 

[Kastor]

I'm more apt to throwing things in my room than slamming the door LOL

 

[One Day]

Yes. Never tell me you love me on the first date.

Funny you say that. There was a thread a while ago about INFP males doing just that (or something similar to it).

 

[colma]

*Gulp*

.... guilty.

God damn feelings overwhelming logic.

EDIT: Laughs at self... at least its a mistake you only make once.

 

[Geoff]

*Gulp*

.... guilty.

God damn feelings overwhelming logic.

EDIT: Laughs at self... at least its a mistake you only make once.

Well, you have to learn really well to only make it once

 

[colma]

Bahahahah.. ok it was twice.

wow my nose is getting really long....

 

[Lauren]

Hmm.. I get this way too. Maybe it's common for some of us?

When my boundaries get crossed, I door slam out of love, in hopes that the 'other' person starts to realize that in the moment that they acted out in such an abrasive way, they deserve their own treatment, so that they can learn, vice versa, which applies to ourselves?

As much as I want to sit there and 'talk it out.' Sometimes, 'talking it out,' doesn't resolve the issue, when the other person is out of the communication loop, and doesn't quite have time to realize their intentions aren't in alignment with ours. .....For me, best solution is for us to go our own separate ways figure it out for ourselves in hopes that both of us are safe, and that everything will work out ok. Sometimes, tough love is the best kind of love, when done non-verbally.

I also forgive. I think people have their own ways of figuring out their own lives, hopefully, for the better? No matter what, I still think of the good times, so I don't forget that times we shared happened for a reason.

I've had a similar situation recently. It's true that talking it out doesn't resolve the issue sometimes. After several years of being married and butting my head up against a brick wall (he wanted to do his own thing all the time with litte regard to what I wanted or needed). I accomodated whenever I could and joined him sometimes in his pursuits, but I was denying my own feelings. Then, I turned a corner. For me, the decision was to go our separate ways. I'm like you in forgiveness. I don't blame him--it was as much my fault as his (for perhaps not voicing the concerns sooner). But, I definitely, not so much doorslam, as reach a firm decision and not look back. My heart turns a corner. I had to do what I needed to do for myself.

 

[Lauren]

The door does not open easily, and once someone is in I am very loyal and will try and see the best in them and be forgiving. I rarely hold grudges after arguments & will try and be compassionate towards behavior I don't even agree with. So when I door slam, it is for good reason.

I'm like this as well. If I care for someone, I'm forgiving of almost everything and am extremely loyal.

The only doorslams I've had were with two individuals who said cruel/unkind things to me, and I knew in that moment that they were people I wanted to cut all ties with, and I did. One was an old boyfriend who, at an airport, when I reached to give him a hug, haughtily said, "I know how to say goodbye." And, I thought, so do I. I never spoke to him again. The other was a long time ago--a so-called friend who accused me of being insincere and faking emotion, and that was that. In that moment I knew she didn't know me and was not a friend.

 

[Parrish]

There are 2 types in my case;
one is when a person I`m fairly close to hurts my feelings, dissapoints me, or we have a fight. I start to question why the hell am I so irritated for when they don`t even realize they did something wrong or that I`m hurt. I shut the door so I can give myself time to cool off. I don`t want drama, but I do want them to understand my point of view, since I mostly do my best to understand theirs. I need and take my space to think and feel it trough. I don`t know if I ever lashed out at someone, but if I did I`d just feel miserable afterwards for hurting them (cuz I`m sure I`d know which buttons to push). The door either gets opened after a while from my side and I talk calmly with them about it or after signs of them recognising the problem and me being ready to discuss it.

The second door slam is the one where the other party repeatedly does something they know from previous experience will hurt me. Once there isn`t any trust left I slam the door, lock it and throw the key away. It`s tough because I still want to believe in them, so I can`t help sometimes looking trough the keyhole (feeling stupid and naive of course), but I don`t interact with them anymore. My stubborness prevents me from being a sucker once again.

Added: I`ve only completely cut ties with one person, an ex who thought I was some sort of property he had a flag on. That was after we broke up, remained what I thought was friends for 2 years until he kept telling me to choose between him and a guy I barely met but clicked instantly with (I had my suspicions he was gay and didn`t really care what others thought was up with us). Oh, and while doing that he had a long distance girlfriend. It felt good to shut him up.

 

[Kastor]

Wait, when you say 'doorslam' you mean...?

 

[monocycle]

Wait, when you say 'doorslam' you mean...?

I would assume almost like a 'quitting cold turkey' for relationships. A sort of, "I WASH MY HANDS OF YOU AND YOUR NONSENSE!" and cue slammed door.

 

[*poke*]

*Knock Knock* Door open? (No Pun intended)

When we get into relationships where we do get cheated, hurt (physically, emotionally, attacked, all of the horrible elements one cannot imagine), we door slam, so we can learn, bc that's where it hurts most? I think perhaps, it's a human thing.. And, that is where I think compatibility is important (personality + values) that generates a sense of understanding so that we *grow* as individuals.

I'm not an INFP but would like to continue along the thread of personality types and door-slamming. As an NF in general (although most write off my empathetic displays as "she's another psychology student") I have found myself slamming many doors recently. I find I fall very easily into the more intraverted role of counselor with regards to others (even acquaintance), the difference being I like to keep some distance between myself and the other person. I don't like to engage people nonprofessionally at such a deep level, because it always involves some giving of yourself as well, and over time I have learned from those instances of misplaced implicit faith or trust not to jump in head-first. However I have played into the hands of more than one manipulator who tries to use me as a crutch or wants to engage me at a level I'm disinterested in for their own healing benefit. This is when I tend to door-slam. I used to be very ashamed of it and even once burst into my mentor's office in tears because I had put up a brick wall between myself and one such person "who needed me". *bleeding heart*

But I find (perhaps as an ENFJ) that I'm far too diplomatic to door-slam in my everyday relationships, can not think of a single instance that I have. But since any relationships between people are for supposed MUTUAL benefit, don't I have a right to choose how I allocate my time and my energy among, who I invest in? I'd also like to expand on kiddykat's (very interesting) comment about the role of values and motivations. When I find someone I am unattracted to fundamentally (as in, our values are misaligned or I dislike someone as a person), I realize it will be of no benefit to me to invest in them. I have nothing to gain from engaging with this person and sometimes a large implicit cost (time I could spend with someone or doing something that helps me grow or enjoy myself or life). That's when I door-slam.

Thoughts?

 

[Absent-Minded Alecto]

I've never door slammed on someone. That's not really a badge of pride though. Honestly, I am overly idealistic in my head and imagine there is nothing in the day to day that cannot be worked through. [Even though I know there are things in my mind I could not possibly begin to forgive or would need a tremendous amount of time to forgive.]

However, I have been doorslammed. I tend to get involved with "me" types which works against how I typically function. So I will enter something for some type of mutual benefit when the other is entering typically to suck me dry. It hurts me tremendously when my novelty wears off in these situations. I've found I have learned a lot about people and my interactions with others through those experiences though.

 

[*poke*]

It hurts me tremendously when my novelty wears off in these situations. I've found I have learned a lot about people and my interactions with others through those experiences though.

Second that.