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  1. #21
    Occasional Member Evan's Avatar
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    She honestly sounds too manic for anything to work.

  2. #22
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    There's already some good advice

    Please take what I say as an attempt to be constructive. You clearly care for her deeply, and you seem like a good friend. I ain't be hatin'.

    Here's the thing: Believing that you are obligated to help her is actually hurting your chances of getting through, as she is picking up on your resentment. Helping her needs to be a CHOICE that you make of your own free will. If you can't make it willingly, you are probably better off backing away for now.

    In order to help her successfully though, you need to focus on HER needs and feelings. This needs to be about her, not you. Think about this: She basically has told you she hates herself enough to not care about her health or well-being. So with that mindset, how do you think she feels when you tell her that her behavior is causing YOU stress? Do you think that makes her feel any better? Do you think she is worried that much about your stress when she feels the way she does?

    One thing you can do, if you don't desire to cut her out yet, is to simply ask questions. Seek to understand instead of passing judgement. If she asks you that she took drugs from strangers, ask her why. If she says to have fun, instead of passing judgement (That's dangerous and stupid!) seek to understand (How is it fun?). This may allow you to open a dialog and feel a bit more safe around you, which would be a good start.

  3. #23
    Senior Member IrishStallion819's Avatar
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    Their is noone too manic for kindness...
    "People often Find out the truth, when its too late!!!"

    Introverted (I) 78.79% Intuitive (N) 61.54% Feeling (F) 65.85% Judging (J) 60.53%

  4. #24
    heart on fire
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    Quote Originally Posted by Evan View Post
    She honestly sounds too manic for anything to work.
    Yes, this is what I get from it too. IF she recognized that she's a destructive force to herself and those around her and IF she wanted to change but was having a hard time with backsliding and such, then I would say this detrached love with boundaries might very well be a good thing, but since she doesn't see the need to change, it would just be the OP using their resources and energy into trying to change this other person who doesn't see the need to change. The vampiric situation for the OP would not change and it's woefully unfair to the OP.

    How many of us are saints with unlimited personal resources?

  5. #25
    Senior Member Anja's Avatar
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    As long as the focus is on her needs she will have no need to change.

    No one is hopeless. Sometimes an ill person is the most defiant before they concede their need for help.

    Concern for her needs is appropriate but they can't be addressed by anyone who remains emotionally attached to her game-playing.

    Anyway, we seem to be working at this with more energy than the OP. Perhaps he's at work?
    "No ray of sunshine is ever lost, but the green which it awakes into existence needs time to sprout, and it is not always granted to the sower to see the harvest. All work that is worth anything is done in faith." - Albert Schweitzer

  6. #26
    heart on fire
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anja View Post
    No one is hopeless.

    Totally aside from the issue being discussed in this thread, I wonder how anyone can make the statement above. If people won't change, they won't change. I have known people who continue to overstep and overstep and it's exahusting to try and maintain a relationship where one is basically having to hold a firm line every moment that contact is engaged.

    There are organic mental illnesses that can impair thought processes so much the other person cannot maintain good enough perspective to see the need for change. It's sad, but it's also true. If the person is not deemed enough of a danger to themselves to be taken under professional care and they don't seek treatment, then they can be a lifelong drain on the people around them.

  7. #27
    Occasional Member Evan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IrishStallion819 View Post
    Their is noone too manic for kindness...
    Kindness, sure. Relationship, no.

  8. #28
    Senior Member Anja's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by heart View Post
    Totally aside from the issue being discussed in this thread, I wonder how anyone can make the statement above.
    If they don't seek treatment, then they can be a lifelong drain on the people around them.

    I don't know how many people can make this statement of those of us who are here. But I can with confidence. Because I've done my work in that area ever since I had children 36 years ago. And I've had good results with hard work.

    I think I may be an exception to the majority as our society is a throw-away society and few have time for the amount of personal work it requires to learn how to hold boundaries well.

    I like people to know that it is a viable option for them and that all hope with sick people in their lives is never lost as long as the person still is alive. And it doesn't mean suffering right along with them.

    Some people never do seek help but with emotional detachment you'll still be connected enough to move that process forward. If I love someone I am willing to do the work necessary. Built that way.
    "No ray of sunshine is ever lost, but the green which it awakes into existence needs time to sprout, and it is not always granted to the sower to see the harvest. All work that is worth anything is done in faith." - Albert Schweitzer

  9. #29
    Senior Member IrishStallion819's Avatar
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    There are organic mental illnesses that can impair thought processes so much the other person cannot maintain good enough perspective to see the need for change. It's sad, but it's also true. If the person is not deemed enough of a danger to themselves to be taken under professional care and they don't seek treatment, then they can be a lifelong drain on the people around them.
    I call that "Pride".... When you say someone is "Mentally Ill", you basically say their is no hope for them and their in this "waiting" game. They Lie in wondering if they'll actually get better or not. But when you tell them that they are not sick...Then theirs hope.. I broke out of a 2.5 year depression, when I realized that this was because of "my doing" and what others have done to me".. Then, I started accepting help from others, making right with others I have wronged, eating right, stop listening to the docs etc.. Now, I'm feeling the best I have ever felt about myself and life.. Deeming someone as "mentally ill" is really givving them an "excuse" for them feeling the way they do and not to change.. Your really doing them more harm, then good.. She is at the point in her life because of what "She" has done to herself, by the choices she has made and being deceived by other people..
    "People often Find out the truth, when its too late!!!"

    Introverted (I) 78.79% Intuitive (N) 61.54% Feeling (F) 65.85% Judging (J) 60.53%

  10. #30
    rawr Costrin's Avatar
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    *Reads OP, doesn't read rest of thread*

    Have you thought of the possibility, that she allows herself to do these things, because she knows that people will stop her if she goes too far? Maybe if you stop stopping her, then she'll have a rude awakening and realize that she needs to be responsible for herself.

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