[INFJ] INFJ - unhealthy traits

[Apollanaut]

I thought we were perfect!

 

[MrME]

Perfectionist to a fault
Highly critical
Overly sensitive
"woe is me" syndrome
intense mental/emotional breakdowns
Paranoia
Pessimism
bull-headedness-won't listen to reason
Clingy
extra moody
a doormat-too submissive
dogmatic
delusional

I wonder if maturity has a tendency to beat many of the more extreme negative traits out of the INFJ. Reality demands a certain level of objective thinking, and with a strengthened Ti, the INFJ seems better able to get a reign on their emotions.

 

[Glycerine]

I wonder if maturity has a tendency to beat many of the more extreme negative traits out of the INFJ. Reality demands a certain level of objective thinking, and with a strengthened Ti, the INFJ seems better able to get a reign on their emotions.

What a great thought. I've been trying to watch out for some of those pitfalls in myself by using Ti to check myself. Along w/ maturity, there probably needs to be a certain level of self-awareness for any INFJ to improve.

 

[Paisley]

I agree with that, we need to be tested, and pushed to define and refine our character. I can't stress how much we need to push our Ti button to make life and relationships work for us. It's almost mandatory for self awareness. Any unhealthy type is bad and unhealthy INFJ's are quite self destructive. Again, Ti is the key to success for the INFJ in my mind. Work on that, and you'll find inner balance.

 

[Skyward]

*Skips a a couple pages of posts*

I can agree with having a hard time say No to people, but its more that I try to find a way back into my own mind and ignore the world and problems until someone kicks me into gear again. Another thing is that I can spout off a lot of stupid sarcasm and vulgar crudities (Jokes are a form of coping/venting for me)

I don't quite understand what is meant by 'boundaries' between people and the INFJ, though. I might be seeing it at a different angle.

 

[Tiltyred]

There are boundaries??

The thing about having to SAY everything is so distasteful to me, I can't even express it. It seems to me so often that people would be better off not to talk so much. Also the accusation (I feel it that way -- an accusation rather than a statement) that we have all these secrets. Some things are private, that's all. As in none of your business. Why is that such a foreign concept? Which things are none of your business? The things I won't talk about. Why? Because I don't want to! This strikes other people as bull-headed but it seems to me an inalienable right of the individual to define what matters and what does not for himself, and to define what is shared and what is not, and for other people to ... like it or lump it. :-D

I think we do get overextended and feel martyred -- people tend to tell us their problems, and there's a quest to understand the other person and to feel what they feel just to experience it, to have the commonality, provide the empathy -- and by doing that, to be able to see a way out or a solution -- and instead people get hooked on that level of attention, which they hardly get anywhere else, and just want to milk it instead of making progress. Also we're good at this, so if there is no gratification anywhere else, we'll set up shop as armchair psychologists, and then we get in over our heads.

It does also seem that we're very bad at getting our message across when we do ask for something. I've seen more than one INFJ say that they've spoken their wishes and it goes unheard. Since it takes so much to actually speak it, when it is ignored, it's a big deal.

We are very strong-willed, and people almost never pick up on that.

If we let ourselves get to the point of Teh Shadow ... well, that's very bad indeed. It takes so much to get there that there's almost no coming back from it.

 

[quietmusician]

When I'm stressed out I do become really critical and self deprecating to the point where I annoy myself. There's an NT side (maybe ST) that readily shows when I'm down (quick gratification, greed, uncaring, etc). I am also guilty of saying yes just because I don't want to let the other person down, but then I kick myself for not saying no.

 

[Tiltyred]

I wonder if saying no is as difficult for other types. It's excruciating, isn't it?

You know what's funny, though -- sometimes when you say no, the other person says, "Oh, ok."

I love it when that happens.

 

[quietmusician]

It really is hard because in my head I know that I can't please everyone, you know? Yeah, when they go "oh" and the priceless look on their face is like "Well, you've said yes every other time, why not now?".

 

[Glycerine]

I have read that ISFJs also have that problem.

 

[Dwigie]

I can only speak from personal experience, because I am the only INFJ I have encountered in the "real" world. It took me a long time to go from an unhealthy state of mind to a (relatively) healthy one. Then again, I was raised in a lopsided home -- Mother was ISFJ and loved her kids ... Father was an emotionally abusive alcoholic who told his eldest son (me) that he was essentially worthless ... and I grew into adulthood believing it.

I think I was in my shadow personality for all of my childhood after puberty, and well into my 20s. It took me a long time to climb out of the trap.

I was:

-Very needy. People took advantage of me all the time.

-Gullible. See above.

-Paranoid. I didn't trust anybody, even close friends.

-Arrogant. I was always looking for reasons why I was better than people, but I would only ever find ways that I was worse, so I compensated by pretending to be a bad-ass. LOLz, indeed.

-Moody as hell. My emotions would fly off the handle at any given moment, and then I would guilt myself out about it, then I would get depressed, and the whole cycle would start over again.

-Phobic. I am still working through this.

That's exactly what I did too!...and still do when I'm under stress, panic.
It was extremely bad during the past three months I felt like I was watching myself go insane and it was the scariest feeling in the world I felt helpless and would randomly go out on a rampage on my closest family members.
I had to take a break and got several mental breakdowns in very short period of time.
thank god it's over.(I think)
I think a lot of INFJs probably felt that way too.

 

[Lauren Ashley]

There are boundaries??

What are these boundaries? Where are they supposed to be exactly?

Also the accusation (I feel it that way -- an accusation rather than a statement) that we have all these secrets. Some things are private, that's all. As in none of your business. Why is that such a foreign concept? Which things are none of your business? The things I won't talk about. Why? Because I don't want to! This strikes other people as bull-headed but it seems to me an inalienable right of the individual to define what matters and what does not for himself, and to define what is shared and what is not, and for other people to ... like it or lump it. :-D

QFT

 

[eclare]

I wonder if saying no is as difficult for other types. It's excruciating, isn't it?

You know what's funny, though -- sometimes when you say no, the other person says, "Oh, ok."

I love it when that happens.

OMG, yes. We agonize over it and question ourselves, "maybe if I move this around I can fit this in," etc. And then finally when we realize that it just won't work it's "I'm sooooo sorry, I really really wish I could help."

And for the other person it's like "No big deal. Thanks anyway."

 

[FantailedWall]

Aren't unhealthy/stressed INFJs on some sort of negative ESTP mode? (seek immediate gratification, uncaring etc)

Yes. Yes. Yes.
That's my experience with them (one in particular), anyway.

Presenting a concrete example - someone who I'm currently...err...'seeing'/something-ing - and is probably an INFJ (all signs point to 'DUH') has very distinctive signs of being an unhealthy version of his type.
- He works a job he hates in order to fund self-destructive habits (drinking/smoking)
- He intentionally blocks out thoughts of the future due to a feeling of not being 'good enough' to get anywhere (it took me ages to drag out any response for where he sees himself in the future - he has ambitions, just won't bring them up readily due to thinking he could never achieve them anyway)
- He actually expressed repressing his remarkable insights of the world due to them all getting him to the same negative conclusions ('people living to destroy each other/we all die in the end, why bother?')

It all presents itself as apathy/a need for immediate gratification disguising a depth of caring and richness of insight.

I don't know why I hate myself, getting involved with these types

(And to the OP: Yea, I've donned the term 'martyr complex' to fit INFJs many times)

 

[lorkan]

FantailledWall: I recognize myself a little bit in your friends behaviour. And I can give of bullshitting answers if I feel intuively exploited, examples needing to give answers about meaningful stuff to do and future plans. Sometime I don't really have any future plan and just when I don't throw myself and inspirations I have atm I just live for the moment. It could be to much to ask him that he has to figure everything out for you to know. If your looking for someone who already have everything laid out for them, try dating an ISTJ/INTJ with strategical aproach to life. You don't sound like you wan't to live in the moment and it can be a pain to live in different rythm's.

I still sometimes see friends who constantly reminds me of what I'm doing now and what my plans are. They never let go of my past or worry about future. And I'm trying to figure out if it really is me that has a problem or the other person that is to worried. I'm guessing he isn't hating it that to just leave it.

 

[FantailedWall]

It could be to much to ask him that he has to figure everything out for you to know. If your looking for someone who already have everything laid out for them, try dating an ISTJ/INTJ with strategical aproach to life. You don't sound like you wan't to live in the moment and it can be a pain to live in different rythm's.

Oh GOSH no!
<----Dude, look over there.
Notice how I'm an ENFP?
I fantasize about the future - but I live for the NOW.

I only asked him because I was curious - another service we ENFPs provide
It's not the lack of direction that's a worry at all - it's the other, more self-destructive habits he has and the obviously lacking feeling of self worth.

I'm guessing he isn't hating it that to just leave it.

...Huh?

 

[lorkan]

Oh GOSH no!
<----Dude, look over there.
Notice how I'm an ENFP?
I fantasize about the future - but I live for the NOW.

I only asked him because I was curious - another service we ENFPs provide
It's not the lack of direction that's a worry at all - it's the other, more self-destructive habits he has and the obviously lacking feeling of self worth.



...Huh?

Ok, I see. Well I that's very sweet that you care about his health. Maybe someday (soon I hope) he will snap out of that self-destruction-mode and see that someone was always there for him. I thought it was about the lack of direction but I guess that was wrong ....

Well I was thinking that I myself often complaints about things I don't like but I do them anyway. And I complaint about to just vent and not that I actually would want to do anything about it. If I would want to do anything about it then I probably would make strong efforts. But this case may very well be different from my situations.

 

[hokie912]

When I'm unhealthy and stressed, I withdraw from everyone around me and retreat into whatever form of immediate gratification of the moment, ESTP-style. I have an extremely hard time admitting weakness, and rather than addressing problems as they arise, I'll avoid confrontation until what started as a small problem has spiraled into a larger one. It's about the most unhealthy way to live, ever. I internalize stress to a very great degree, too, so often will be physically sick during times of stress.

Fortunately, I've learned to get a handle on most of these things.

 

[eclare]

When I'm unhealthy and stressed, I withdraw from everyone around me and retreat into whatever form of immediate gratification of the moment, ESTP-style. I have an extremely hard time admitting weakness, and rather than addressing problems as they arise, I'll avoid confrontation until what started as a small problem has spiraled into a larger one. It's about the most unhealthy way to live, ever. I internalize stress to a very great degree, too, so often will be physically sick during times of stress.

Fortunately, I've learned to get a handle on most of these things.

I do all these things, too. Except that I disagree that avoiding confrontation is ALWAY unhealthy. Most of the time I do it because I figure that whatever irritation I'm feeling will disappear as soon as I'm away from the situation and I don't want to waste the emotional energy arguing about something that I won't care about the next day. Very occasionally this backfired spectacularly and I just get madder and madder the farther I get away from the original irritant.

 

[Winds of Thor]

When this happens ask a friendly, smart ENTP to put things into perspective...I hope that helps.