It's the effort an unhealthy INFJ makes to make themselves and others think they don't care that fuels many of their bad traits.
Random Ness, I think this is very well said. And, I try to always remember this with my INFJ friends. But reading this again is a good reminder.
INFJs care. They C-A-R-E soooooo much about [insert whatever here] that they can sometimes get persnickety about it. Are defensive about it. And, are overly sensitive about it.
Furthermore, they are not transparent in their thinking. In other words, other people don't see the caring part. All they see is the defensive action the INFJ takes to protect that which they care about.
I tend to believe that I can suck up minor frustrations or irritations and also that the other person would feel as badly as I would if I brought it up. I'm also usually pretty easy-going and so don't push for my way on something unless it really matters to me.
Ts tend to process decisions very differently. They more often only do what they can without feeling resentful and assume that others do the same. They bring up their annoyance if it's a big deal (sometimes in a very blunt way) or else suck it up what they really aren't going to care about in the long run.
Most of my accommodating comes because I care about the other person and want to be good to them, and I also feel safer dealing with my reaction to something irritating rather than leaving it to the other person being annoyed because I don't like emotional surprises. However, over time if the other person doesn't notice that I often am making allowances for them and I finally make them aware of it (when I'm already nearing the end of my patience) and then they still push their luck, I will bring up many minor unresolved frustrations all in a flood, but the other person assumes I'm making a big deal over one little minor tiny incident. They dismiss my reaction as overemotional, thereby creating more new problems and still not resolving the initial one. Another reason I don't bring things up till later is that I want to be sure that I'm not being oversensitive, hasty or misinterpreting a situation. That's why it really bothers me to be called oversensitive or overreacting. When I finally have checked and double checked that I see an underlying negative theme in all those sources of annoyance (eg being taken for granted etc), I will say something. Usually by then, I've realized this has serious implication for our relationship and I truly am hurt by then, so it gets presented in a more emotional way than most Ts prefer and they are more likely to dismiss it.
I finally am learning that it's better to bring things up a little earlier (without being stupidly nitpicky) so I don't feel that emotional and so I establish better boundaries. I also realize it's important to push a little more for my way more often because the other person really won't feel that inconvenienced and will respect me more in the long run.
Old thread...yes I know. But I saw this.
Delivery matters. What do I mean by delivery? I mean how you say it. If you say it nicely, no problem. If you say it snappy, problem. If you say it privately, no problem. If you say it publicly in front of others, problem. If you bring up things more often as they happen or shortly after they happen, often times you'll get the productive resolution you seek. It's not going to work if you say nothing, wait and wait a long time then under durress mention many things in a row that happened months, or even years later. The other person will not feel that you have the right to bring things up waaaaay later. That was then, this is now. However, if you do so in a good delivery and say something has been bothering you for a long time, can we discuss it, you'd be surprised at how many people would be fine with that. Other people want you to be happy, and other people want you to help you.
Sometimes in my experience with infj's, there is an old crutch that others don't understand the depths of the infj, or the caring, or the romanticism, etc...and so on....and sometimes that is true, but sometimes that is not true. Reality is a combination of facts and feelings, not just one or the other. Even the most deep special person in life is not going to be able to read your mind all of the time. Not.gonna.happen.
Oh there is so much I could share after being in a relationship with an unhealthy INFJ...
The thing that bugged me the most was how manipulative he was, and how gullible I was.
~He always made himself look like the victim whenever we had a fight and guilted me into whatever he wanted.
~When he had his mind set on something that he wanted, he refused to listen to reason. It's like everything I said blew over his head.
~When I wouldn't give in to him, he'd call my dad and try to get my own father against me.
~He lied and over-exaggerated about everything. (He would call me, crying his eyes out saying that his friend, that no one else knows about, died...the 3rd friend that week...and he never even went to any funerals.)
~He had some sick pleasure of doing anything to make me feel bad for him. (He told me he was 50% autistic, then at the end of the day told me he was just kidding...sad part is, I wasn't surprised when he told me.)
The breakup was a messy 1 month process...involving many angry emails from him, followed by an apology email full of, "You don't know how I feel..." and "I want to think that you're a nice girl, but..." and "Remember back when we were happy?" stuff in there, begging me to meet with him to talk just "one more time"....because "just 5 minutes could solve everything."
Nice guy...just a little psycho...and stalkerish...
What's pathetic is if an INFJ who is not that intelligent doorslams another while truly clueless to the real happenings around them/self-deceives oneself into a false 'reality' spewing details that are out of context and didn't happen then projects the details of their 'findings' onto another.
Very appreciative I found this old thread. You've walked in my shoes.
I can speak on the martyr thing, infj's have a tendecy to convince themselves that their bad decisions really come from some sort of mystical deeper insight, and that the suffering that comes from these bad decisions is like this cross that they bear for being right in spite of the world being against them- rather than them just being wrong
I assumed that the poster meant that INFJs can have a really hard time saying "No" to people - this is part of the martyr complex. They don't set boundaries for themselves regarding how much they can really handle, and they'll take on the world's problems as if they are the only ones that can help.
This is very true as I catch myself doing this all to often.. Good insight, will coment on some traits later when I have some time.