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  1. #1
    Senior Member velocity's Avatar
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    Default infjs, what do you think of this? - from an entp

    i dated an infj about a year ago - the relationship did not end well. i was 18, he was 20. we broke up one night over an argument about the death penalty (specifically for a pedophile) - i was against it for several reasons (i was a "feeler" back then) and related it in terms of empathy - mainly because i did not believe in condemning another human being to death because of a condition which she or he may be helpless over. there were better alternatives. (fi?) he was appalled by my argument and asked me why i could defend such twisted individuals who violated society and impinged on the innocence of children (fe?)- he took it as a sign that my soul was somehow corrupt and i had no sense of moral boundary. he broke up with me that night.

    i was really hurt and bewildered that night, but have since moved on quite happily in my life. he did a few really hurtful things to me after our break up and now i have walled myself completely off from him. i see him now as a selfish pig who is only concerned with preserving the purposed "sanctity" of his own soul. he has no concern over matters or people that don't directly benefit him and he is defensive and deludes himself that everything he does for others is altruistic and a reflection of the sensitive perceptiveness of his intentions.

    as a result, i get a negative gut reaction when i think of infj's-but it's something i want to overcome because it's silly to attribute the same characteristics to everyone of a general personality type.

    infj's, let me know what you think.

  2. #2

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    Quote Originally Posted by sunnyz22 View Post
    infj's, let me know what you think.
    About what precisely? Your experience? Your opinion?

    The most surefire way to rid yourself of any prejudice is to 1) acknowledge it (which you've done) and 2) open your mind to new input (ENTPs in general are great at this) and let the truth speak for itself.

    You'd do well to observe the INFJs within view and their conduct, whether in real life or on this forum. We're simply a group of individuals with lots in common, and we run the gamut from appalling to delightful, just like any other type.

    Hope that helps. Welcome to the nuthouse.
    Last edited by iwakar; 02-01-2009 at 07:19 PM. Reason: typo
    "The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things." - Rainer Maria Rilke

  3. #3
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    Maybe you didn't take his opinions seriously enough. It could be that you listened to his oppinions, collected the information and then moved on stating your own perceptions, as if what he said didn't matter. If you take it seriously, you would probably give him other perspectives or information he missed. I really don't understand the why people are so afraid they may change other peoples minds, I don't think that is a bad thing. INFJ's usually always want to be better.

  4. #4
    Glycerine
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    Quote Originally Posted by sunnyz22 View Post
    i dated an infj about a year ago - the relationship did not end well. i was 18, he was 20. we broke up one night over an argument about the death penalty (specifically for a pedophile) - i was against it for several reasons (i was a "feeler" back then) and related it in terms of empathy - mainly because i did not believe in condemning another human being to death because of a condition which she or he may be helpless over. there were better alternatives. (fi?) he was appalled by my argument and asked me why i could defend such twisted individuals who violated society and impinged on the innocence of children (fe?)- he took it as a sign that my soul was somehow corrupt and i had no sense of moral boundary. he broke up with me that night.

    i was really hurt and bewildered that night, but have since moved on quite happily in my life. he did a few really hurtful things to me after our break up and now i have walled myself completely off from him. i see him now as a selfish pig who is only concerned with preserving the purposed "sanctity" of his own soul. he has no concern over matters or people that don't directly benefit him and he is defensive and deludes himself that everything he does for others is altruistic and a reflection of the sensitive perceptiveness of his intentions.

    as a result, i get a negative gut reaction when i think of infj's-but it's something i want to overcome because it's silly to attribute the same characteristics to everyone of a general personality type.

    infj's, let me know what you think.
    It sounds like he was not the most healthiest of sorts. From what I have read, healthy INFJs are usually very good at understanding opposing viewpoints even if they disagree with it.

  5. #5
    Senior Member velocity's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iwakar View Post
    About what precisely? Your experience? Your opinion?

    The most surefire way to rid yourself of any prejudice is to 1) acknowledge it (which you've done) and 2) open your mind to new input (ENTPs in general are great at this) and let the truth speak for itself.

    You'd do well to observe the INFJs within view and their conduct, whether in real life or on this forum. We're simply a group of individuals with lots in common, and we run the gamut from appalling to delightful, just like any other type.

    Hope that helps. Welcome to the nuthouse.
    hey iwakar. sorry, i realize i wasn't clear with what exactly i was looking for. i'll try to be a little more specific.

    he related heavily to his type, seeing within himself the heart of a "mystic oracle" of sorts. he took pride in being an INFJ and as a sensitive confidante to lot of people's problems. that's why it's difficult for me to emotionally divorce myself of the "INFJ" connection. i saw his ego entirely dependent on how other people appreciated his emotional "depth" and "experience." he would listen to people's opinions about his own conduct as long as they were positive and tactfully expressed. he only saw in himself what he wanted to see - a sort of reality blinding idealism. thus, when i think of "INFJ" i think of someone who derives the most happiness from being acknowledged as deep and soulful and i ask .. is this true of all INFJ's? do you see yourself as "sensitive?" from where do you derive your greatest joy? what are your best qualities? do you react dramatically when your idealistic expectations are shattered? is it easy for you just to shut someone off if they don't agree with you?

    i'm sorry if i offend anyone - i don't mean to at all. i just want to get a greater picture of the "truth." it just made me sad because i saw the warmth and open-heartedness and love he professed disappear - just like that. (especially since at the beginning of our relationship he described our connection as "cosmic".) it took me a long time to get over that. later, he became "enamored" with me again and i gave him another chance - but it was a relationship where i felt like i was walking on eggshells because i couldn't criticize him at all for fear of incurring his anger and defensiveness. this time, i ended up breaking up with him. i normally hear of how great and dynamic entp-infj relationships are, so i wanted to bring another side to it.

    your response did help, thanks girl.

  6. #6
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sunnyz22 View Post
    thus, when i think of "INFJ" i think of someone who derives the most happiness from being acknowledged as deep and soulful and i ask .. [I]is this true of all INFJ's?
    Probably not. That's not where I derive my happiness. However, I do enjoy deep and soulful experiences

    do you react dramatically when your idealistic expectations are shattered?
    Yes, but you would never know about it.

    is it easy for you just to shut someone off if they don't agree with you?
    Depends on who the person is. Not my s/o though, I would want to hear them out.

    it just made me sad because i saw the warmth and open-heartedness and love he professed disappear - just like that.
    I doubt it disappeared just like that. The INFJ doorslam is only physical, I think. The feelings are still there.

    later, he became "enamored" with me again and i gave him another chance - but it was a relationship where i felt like i was walking on eggshells because i couldn't criticize him at all for fear of incurring his anger and defensiveness.
    Hmmm...that sounds familiar

  7. #7
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sunnyz22 View Post
    do you see yourself as "sensitive?"
    Sensitive how? In the general term, yes, I see myself as sensitive. Sensitive and in tune with my own feelings as well as of those around me, and not wanting to hurt other peoples' feelings. I'm also very much for good communication and making sure there aren't any misunderstandings.

    from where do you derive your greatest joy?
    Hmm.. could be a variety of things. Nature and beauty mostly. Trying to appreciate the littler things in life, but also up for new experiences and variety. Deep connections with people. Probably other stuff..those are a few.

    do you react dramatically when your idealistic expectations are shattered?
    Dramatically? No, I don't think so. I've been told I can become more cold and distant - and I feel quite flustered - when I feel I'm being attacked or if there is conflict. But I tend to keep my emotions in check.

    is it easy for you just to shut someone off if they don't agree with you?
    If it's something that I've put a lot of thought into and is pretty integral to how I view the world, and the other person totally disagrees, I might conclude it's too big of a chasm to bridge -- just too different. Then I might not have a problem shutting them off.

    Part of it is that I don't wish to change the other persons' views - so if they state something that's drastically opposed to my own viewpoint, then I figure, that's that. We're completely and utterly different, no changing that fact. I'll listen and I'll even probably understand the other viewpoint, and I'll probably remain very civil and will find it interesting.

    But within, the gears will be turning. With viewpoints, it's often not so much the specific viewpoint, but the implications of that viewpoint and what that says about the persons' underlying character and 'soul' that is really what I'm noticing. Is that underlying trait something I could ultimately respect? If not, time to move on - or adjust the nature of the relationship.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  8. #8
    Senior Member velocity's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lauren Ashley View Post
    Hmmm...that sounds familiar
    haha. only the the fondest of memories.

  9. #9
    Senior Member velocity's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cascademn View Post
    But within, the gears will be turning. With viewpoints, it's often not so much the specific viewpoint, but the implications of that viewpoint and what that says about the persons' underlying character and 'soul' that is really what I'm noticing. Is that underlying trait something I could ultimately respect? If not, time to move on.
    got it. one of ni's talents. thanks for clarifying, i'm getting a better understanding now.

  10. #10
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    thus, when i think of "INFJ" i think of someone who derives the most happiness from being acknowledged as deep and soulful and i ask .. is this true of all INFJ's?
    I'm not sure about ALL but personally I'm not really concerned about how people see me and I don't think a person should identify him/herself in line with how he/she is perceived by others. To me, a mature person knows him/herself.

    do you see yourself as "sensitive?"
    When the other person (could be animal too) is weak, disadvantaged or needs help. But other times, I can be quite oblivion about others feelings, and only to realise it later when I take a reflection.

    from where do you derive your greatest joy?
    Meaningful exchange of ideas & opinions, learning by myself and from others (must be someone who has a wide/deep knowledge, about anything. Basically, someone who really knows what he/she is talking about. And working on being a PERFECT (according to my ideal) person. :-)

    what are your best qualities?
    Uh..........This one I really don't know, do I have one??? If I must say one it would be persistence/consistency. I finish everything I start.

    do you react dramatically when your idealistic expectations are shattered?
    Yes, but his is done privately.

    is it easy for you just to shut someone off if they don't agree with you?
    This is what I do as a teenager and when I was in early 20s. What happened is that I applied quick judgement over things/people. Now I've learned to wait for a while because I've been with an ENFP.

    I think as people get older/more mature, they'll be able to see that difference is not the end of the world. Reading your story, I feel you and your ex are still in the period that each of you are beginning to form an identity (with increased self awareness), so when you discuss an issue you got the feeling that the other is trying to persuade you. But as you get older, you'll learn to listen and respect others' opinion without feeling your own is being threatened.

    Again, this is only my opinion and please feel free to ignore it if it sounds like preaching.
    :?

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