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  1. #1
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Default I need some help with my mom.

    As of late my relationship with my ENFP mom has been going downhill.

    It all started last Christmas. She has always felt neglected by her family (she is the black sheep) and she has always talked to me about it. This is for every holiday since I could talk. She doesn't have anyone else but me to talk to, she got a divorce with my dad when I was 2.

    So anyways. Last Christmas I got sick and tired of hearing it. When I get annoyed I will generally act rude if the person will not stop being annoying.

    My mom doesn't exactly understand introverts. In my opinion if there isn't anything to talk about then nothing should really be said. Well my mom likes to talk... and talk...and talk about either her family or her place of work. That is all she will talk about, nothing else.

    One thing that really annoys me is when someone just won't shut up about something that I've heard a million times. This is why I often don't watch the news, all they can talk about is one specific event for a month. My mom will not talk about anything else other than that.

    So we eventually started to argue. She thinks that I don't love her because I won't carry on a conversation. She doesn't listen to me at all, and she basically just drowns out what I say when I try to talk. I keep trying to tell her that if there was something to talk about then I would want to talk, but that I didn't want to talk about the same thing every time I see her (which is every weekend), and from this she thinks that I don't love her because I don't want to talk.

    I don't understand why she feels this way... My dad (ISTP) and I seem to not care if we don't talk for two hours every day over the week. If there is something new that comes up, we will talk. If there isn't anything to talk about, we will just be friendly and speak what's on our mind when we eat together. We both realize that we still love each other, it's not an issue at all. Yet my mom thinks I don't love her.

    This just seems like a huge over-reaction on her part. I do love my mom, but I don't think that I should be her best friend. A parent-child relationship is different than other relationships. It isn't too personal.

    Can anyone provide insight as to what I should do? I've tried everything I think. When I try to talk it over with her and explain what I did right now, she gets mad and lists all these things that she finds flawed about me, and basically how I'm supposed to be her maid because she is my parent. I will not have anything to do with that. Whenever I reason with her, she just gets mad. I have no idea what I should do about this. Can an ENFP with kids please tell me about their relationships, or maybe someone else with an ENFP parent? I would like some help, thanks.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

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  2. #2
    Wild Card Atomic Fiend's Avatar
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    Good luck.

  3. #3
    Senior Member IrishStallion819's Avatar
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    Hey, I've been in this boat a number of times.. The key is when one is extremely "emoutional", the other must not be as such. One must handle the conversation like an adult and be cool, calm and collected. Two negatives, do not make a positive and having two people argueing at eachother over a subject is no exception. You need to reassure your mom that you do love her but this is getting to much for you at the moment. Ask her if you could come back, when you and her are both calm and can handle the situation like adults. Because the more emoutionally fire up you both are, the worst it'll get. You'll just start to feed off of eachothers negative energy and it'll just make you two that much more miserable.. Sometimes you just have to say "Ma, I'm full, please save me this lecture; We go through this over and over but we never get anywhere". The trick with enfps is "making them feel appreciated and wanted". Try asking your mom advice on something your dealing with and make sure you give her lots of hugs and crack a couple of jokes. Maybe, you should offer you guys go somewhere fun. Just somewhere where she can take her mind off of everything and enjoying your company in the process. I like to talk about deep issues, when I go out to eat ; There, the pressure of having people around, will make you two act more mature.. Then, try to talk about the conversation again at home and be open minded. Remember, Us NFs are given the gift of "Listening"; so just let her rant and open up about her past. Say "ma, I want to know what happen in the past between you and dad". Just sit there and listen and act like you truly care. Let her just let it all out and try to ask her questions that'll make her open up even more.. Then, you can offer your two cents on the subject. Most importantly, at the end give her hug and let her know that you do love and care for her. Thank her for opening up to you and that you know its hard being a single parent and carrying all the emoutional baggage she is currently. I know God hates divorce and it's partly to blame for the moral decay of this country..People hardly ever talk about whats bugging them anymore and it shows in this world..
    "People often Find out the truth, when its too late!!!"

    Introverted (I) 78.79% Intuitive (N) 61.54% Feeling (F) 65.85% Judging (J) 60.53%

  4. #4
    Senior Member Nillerz's Avatar
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    learn to talk. Carrying on a conversation is easy, even if at times undesirable. Just ask questions that will make her keep talking without needing your input. That's what my girlfriend does... she's an INFP I'm an (almost maybe) ENFP. Would I like her to talk more? Yeah, but she likes listening to me apparently so whatevah...

  5. #5
    DoubleplusUngoodNonperson
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    I need help with your mom, too!

  6. #6
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    I think you need to sort out your priorities. What is more important for you in this case? To reassure your mother or to show her she is overreacting? I know it's a tough question to answer but I find that sometimes I personally get too hung up on trying to make my parents see how I see things, and end up giving them less peace of mind than I should.

  7. #7
    Senior Member MissMurder's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nillerz View Post
    learn to talk.
    Apparently your mother's love language is communication. Talk to her, listen to her. If her constant rehashing of past wrongs and other such negative things is dragging you down, tell her so. Just do it in a positive way. Instead of saying: "Mom, your bitching is sapping the life out of me. Shut up already, would you?" you could say: "Mom, talking about all this painful stuff is dragging us down. Our relationship needs to be healthy and uplifting. Let's build each other up, and talk about all the good things in our lives." You'll have to actively show her how to do this. It looks like she believes that a close relationship is an avenue for venting.
    Power is the virtue that makes all other virtues possible.
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  8. #8
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Thank you for your replies.

    I've tried being nice before, but she is just a bit stressed over everything and likes to take it out on whoever she can.

    What I'm trying to do is to see if getting some distance will help, because lately us talking isn't a good thing.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  9. #9
    mountain surfing nomadic's Avatar
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    just say "OK mom" and nod your head. inside your mind, go ahead and think of how you need nail clippers to cut your nails. who cares. just nod and say "Yes mom". =)

    btw, where the hell are my nail clippers? i swear its never where i put them last time... -_-

  10. #10
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    Hmmm....

    As a talkative ENFP dating a quiet INFP I can try to project and see what's happening.

    Is it type relaetd that INFPs don't like hearing the same thing over and over?

    Well, regrdless, I would say when it comes to relationships, you have to get over that, at least a bit.

    People are basically embodiments of patterns and habits and some people just really like telling the same stories over and over. I know I do. I tell people, "It's a privelege to hear this story from me multiple times because it's a sign of how close we are and how comfortable I am around you" --> Meaning, how close our relationship is and ergo how much I value it. Then again, if you hear the same story from me and want me to stop, let me know.

    Now, when it comes to a repetition of a type of energy or quality or habit being introduced to the relationship -- yeah I get that.

    That's a little different from just plain repeating a story.

    If you think your mom is not making positive steps to changing her situation and is merely in a negative or unhealthy pattern or loop, it makes sense you want to help her break free of that. Or will get frustrated.

    And since you're also an NF you probably realize how sensitive she is to needing to know you care about her, value her, respect her, etc.

    Like some others have said, how you say it is very important.

    You can tell her something like, "Mom, you know I care about you. But when you keep telling me about these same situations and you don't do anything about it, it really bothers me. I'm not sure what you want me to do that I can help you resolve these issues. But, when you keep on telling me the same negative things over and over, it actually brings me down and makes me feel bad and then I get frustrated."

    And what IrishStallion and MissMurder said.

    It's totally fine to put up your boundaries. But, in general being rude is not the best way to go, since people can take it the wrong way (completely personally) and it can cause friction. Especially with your mom!

    From my experience, when the INFP I'm dating gets curt or rude instead of just telling me what is bothering her, it really pisses me off and just leads to more friction.

    Whereas clear communication, even of negative feelings, would relieve the tension.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

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