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  1. #1
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    Default Was/is in love with an ENFJ.. can't understand how he feels, help!

    Hi, so..I'm an INFP. I met a guy two years ago when I was 18 when I lived in Germany for a year. He's German, speaks barely any english, and my german is pretty fluent but not perfect. He had just been dumped by his older live-in girlfriend (they'd been together for over a year, she was his first..everything), and I met him in April 2007, we hit it off really well and he asked me out the within an hour of meeting me. I was flattered but not really interested, it wasn't my "type" for the moment (I was into artistic "hippy/musicians" back then...I wanted to explore the world and save it) so I agreed, but only went because I was curious and wanted to explore. He's really friendly, would take the shirt off his back for anyone type of guy..and the more I was around him the more I cared for him... and he was alreadying making plans for us to be together within a week of just dating, I was flattered but still really hesistant (I always assume people are lying to me when they flatter me... and i only ever say what i truly mean or feel, so i didn't tell him anything). I tried to dissaude him from liking me so much by telling him gently that I wouldn't be staying forever...I wanted to go to other places, at that time I wanted to persue International Relations studies to be human rights activist (now..i'm studying geography and want to work with disaster management), but I hurt him once by telling him I didn't want to be more than friends but later apologized and told him I was just scared. He was always so caring, and touchy-feely (which I never was..and basically acted like a rock...) that is until I started to fall deeply in love with him

    ...but we had so many communication problems...I like to daydream/think of everything and talk about everything, deep things...and he just wanted to talk and be with his friends and only think and be positive...and so we would get on eachothers nerves because we both thought the other didn't care about each others feelings.. well long story short... we both withdrew a little bit... but i remained more dedicated to him and he stopped the car one day...got out... opened my door and sat down and said, he didn't love me anymore, he liked me, but suddenly he was still in love with his ex and it was unfair for him to see me when he wasn't over her. So i just sat there stunned... and then left. I saw him again, because i was friends with his friends...but i had to ignore him and pretend like he wasn't there because it hurt too much. after a few months...i couldn't help it...i texted him and he responded instantly that he was thinking alot about me too and missed me. then no word from him for a few months... i sent him a long letter when i was back in the us..i apologized for having pushed him away..and i basically just sent the letter for closure..I wasn't expecting anything from him, but i get a letter in the mail three months later and in it he says he still loves me and as soon as he read the letter he wanted nothing more than to fly to me... (the letter took him three months to send to me..wha?) then i wrote him back...nothing... (i couldn't do anything more than write...it wouldve been too painful for me to hear his voice)..nothing...six months later i get an email from him that he wants to talk to me...so i write him back.."okay, what do you want to talk about?"....then he doesn't write back for three more months. during this time..i met someone else...dated for a month, but it didn't work out. at the end of the new "fling" (the only other person i'd ever been with besides my ex)

    ...i was just sobbing one night...and decided to just write an email to him (i had to guess his email adress like five times for it to finally send)..and say i hope he's doing well, wish we could be there for eachother again as friends. he writes back instantly and says he's missed me and thinks about me. and so for the last three months we've been "friends" through email... he knows i still have strong feelings for him..i told him a couple of weeks ago i couldn't write him anymore because i couldn't do the "Friend" thing anymore... and he wrote back "i still want to write you. i miss you. i like you so much. i think of coming to visit you but i can't this year. i wish we lived closer. you will find the right one for you, believe me! it's a shame we don't live closer..".. but then when he writes he goes from being "caring/loving" to sometimes being impersonal/formal almost...it's giving me whiplash sometimes..and i ask him about it...and he never answers but says i overthink everything too much and we should just be there for each other and think positively. He doesn't deal with problems...he just ignores them, i still don't even know if he is ever his exgirlfriend or not... i just know....i'm unable to go a day without thinking of him and wanting to be with him...even after all this time and heartbreak...he gets me and encourages me like no one in my entire life has ever...and he is so friendly but deepdown is so lonely.

    .and yeah he likes being positive, but i saw how he calmed down when we actually had deep conversations and talked about real issues...he's never talked that way with anymore before, so he knows i truly see him as he is..the good and the bad but i still love him...i just worry sometimes that maybe he ignores the bad side of me and that's why he just disappears sometimes... how can i understand this side of him? the enfj side? when i'm so different and want to talk everything through.. I'm so passionate, compassionate, driven and in my own thoughts...it just seems hard for us to really communicate what we both need...and I don't know how to say the words i want to say... in german (more complications)

    ..but I'd rather work hard with him for us...then have it given to me easily and be with someone else. i love him, above and beyond everything i've ever known. How do i tell him that without pushing him away? I want him to see me as I see him...fully. is this worth fighting for? is he just using me or does he geniunely care for me (but...at the expense of me longing for him to just love me).. I also don't have the funds right now to go visit him..so it'll be atleast another year before that can happen for either of us... our these e-mails even worth it. i really want to try webcaming..but i'm scared it'll just hurt me more if he just wants to be my friend...i've heard that enfjs are so friendly that you can't tell if they having strong feelings for you or just want to be a good friend to you.. any advice?
    Last edited by sarahd242; 01-19-2009 at 04:34 PM.

  2. #2
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    Sorry, that wall of text melted my eyes

    If you could split your post up a bit into paragraphs it would make a world of a difference

  3. #3
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    F me, tl;dr. I heard ENFJs like the tl;dr though, so who knows what went wrong.

  4. #4
    Senior Member chris1207's Avatar
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    So this is Sarah's post and you two have to be ass hats about it. :steam:

    It is very ENFJ to not know what he had until it's all gone. He's definitely regretting all the bad stuff that's gone on between you two. In all likelihood, he didn't respond to you for months and months because he wanted to say everything just right when he wrote you. That and it was probably very emotional for him. We have to be in just the right mood when we do that stuff.

    I get the feeling that while he's nice and possitive he really hasn't opened up to many people in his life. When he did with you he felt vulnerable and scared and so he back off so he could prepare for the new situation at hand. This may be kind of odd for P's to understand.

    You should talk to him and tell him that whatever may become of your relationship that he should realize that the two of you should take it one day at a time and that you'll be there for him. That and it'll be an adventure the two of you will share.

    I honestly don't have much if any experience with INFP's so I'm not sure how much more I can help. It is kind of interesting though that ENFJ's are suddenly in so much higher demand. There's a girl around, named Bearette, who's also an INFP who's in China and is ga ga for an ENFJ who's standoffish. You two should chat!

    Oh and welcome to forums bebbey!
    "... you think deeply about stuff [that] nobody cares about and hardly anybody can understand you." ~ Peguy talking about Ni users. So true.

  5. #5
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    ha , thanks chris1207
    that actually helps alot, with my pain anyways.
    is there more you could actually tell me about the ENFJ personality in general or specifics? It baffles me a lot of the time..
    i'm an INFP, but...an outgoing one, so I'm kinda rare..but my deep passions and my inner world are very apparent..does that drive enfjsvaway (he doesn't seem to have very many life-driving passions other than to be happy..which i love about him)..
    i tried to talk to him a few days ago...but i said ..well..everything just came out wrong..and I ended up just saying irrelevant, insensitive stupid things, that i really regret..and I haven't heard from him since... I don't know if I'll hear from again if he follows his usual pattern of bailing when something wrong is said or done... will he always bail on me?

  6. #6
    Member Shaggy's Avatar
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    From what I've seen quite a bit, is people of all types tend to analyze there current relationship to past experiences. You said he lived with his ex before meeting you. Maybe there was something that triggered an idea that made him feel like your relationship with him was similar, in a destructive way, to his previous relationship which ultimately ended in him getting hurt. Us N's tend to see what we perceive the situation to be rather than what it really is. Maybe the time away from his relationship with his ex gave him time to find fault in what he did during the time he was with her. Then, he leaves you, knowing you were leaving regardless, with this "idea" that he could "fix" his previous relationship only to find more questions than answers.
    He sounds like more than half the people I know trying to figure what they really want out of life. I'm sorry things didn't work out for you, but I don't think you're out of the water yet with him. If you truly care about him, try opening up and let him know how you feel. He is probably asking the questions about you. There is a good chance you might get the answers you are looking for from the source. The best things in life require some type of compromise or sacrifice. This would allow yourself to get hurt, but at least you have a chance to gain some peace of mind and/or closure. Is it worth it?

  7. #7
    Senior Member The Third Rider's Avatar
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    Well what baffles you about ENFJs?
    ENFJ 3W4

    If you read this I am sorry to say that you just lost 5 seconds of your life that you wont be getting back.*

    *Actual time may vary.

  8. #8
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    oh, okay well.. he tends to want to know everything about me, what i'm thinking about..etc. but he freezes up when I ask about him. why?

    Why do ENFJ's care so much about other people's opinions and not enough of their own? .... is it they want to be mysterious or just not get hurt, being polite? or a little of both?

    Why so back and forth with emotions (but usually only with romantic partners) (with friends, from what i've read..they seem to make lots of and keep close ones)?

    why push conflict under the rug rather than face it?

    nothing else really comes to mind... but thanks.

  9. #9
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    oohhh one more: why do ENFJ's idealize people and relationships?

  10. #10
    Senior Member The Third Rider's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sarahd242 View Post
    oh, okay well.. he tends to want to know everything about me, what i'm thinking about..etc. but he freezes up when I ask about him. why?[

    Why do ENFJ's care so much about other people's opinions and not enough of their own? .... is it they want to be mysterious or just not get hurt, being polite? or a little of both?
    Well if someone interests me I want to know everything about that person even how they think and their opinions and how they feel in general. As far as not talking about ourselves, I personally have never really liked to talk about me, I find it kind of boring and I just want to hear/learn something new from someone else, I already know myself. Plus I also don't really like to open myself to just anyone and there are specific instances when I want to sort of reveal my feelings to someone.
    Why so back and forth with emotions (but usually only with romantic partners) (with friends, from what i've read..they seem to make lots of and keep close ones)?

    why push conflict under the rug rather than face it?
    I heard this complaint a lot but I guess is that ENFJs just don't like negative things in general. Personally I learned to talk out my issues.


    Quote Originally Posted by sarahd242 View Post
    oohhh one more: why do ENFJ's idealize people and relationships?
    I wish I knew this too but a las we are cursed. I have tried in the past not to do it but I always end up doing it. I tend associate things with people and more often than not I mostly only associate positive things with them and than one day you realize that, hey there are negatives to that person too/ relationship.
    ENFJ 3W4

    If you read this I am sorry to say that you just lost 5 seconds of your life that you wont be getting back.*

    *Actual time may vary.

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