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  1. #1
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    Default Need help communicating with ENFJ

    Like the title says I need help communicating with an ENFJ. I am starting to learn more about MBTI and am finally getting to the point where I think I can ask the right question.

    From my understanding and real life involvement with an ENFJ, they will take in some data or detail with Se and run with it with there Ni and make a judgement with Fe. The thing is there Ni does not always take into consideration all the data or ignores data that doesnt support there Ni and can run off in a direction that causes them anxiety. How does an SP go about bringing up the data that they overlooked without having them feel like you invalidated there feeling? Is it even possible?

  2. #2
    *ears perk up* wolfmaiden14's Avatar
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    Key = VALIDATION. If you don't want them to feel invalidated, then don't!

    Ask them to explain what they think and why they think it before you debate. Nod a lot. Comment in that direction. Look like you agree even if you don't. Make it clear that you undersand and respect their point, and therefore (as they see it)THEM. Even SAY that you understand and respect their point, and that it might be true in a certain situation. (then you can transition into your own points) "However, in this situation, I believe (your points) make it more like (your opinion)." Try to word it in ways that gives them the extra information you believe they're missing rather than being argumentative. Pay attention to body language and back off and go back to some validating techniques if you see them getting upset.

    This is just conflict prevention techniques in general, but is an especially important point for ENFJs.

    ENFJs who lack enough Ti are a dangerous force indeed. ><
    Forming characters! Whose? Our own or others? Both. And in that momentous fact lies the peril and responsibility of our existence. - Elihu Burritt

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  3. #3
    ish red no longer *sad* nightning's Avatar
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    Perhaps you should focus less on type and more about that particular individual. One of the easiest way you can get people to re-think their position is by asking the question "why". Why they might be feeling that way. What lead them to that conclusion? Have them explain it to you. (It looks like you're quite interested in her) The process of them explaining it all out loud will help to re-evaluate everything. Actually this is a very good check for whether the jumps made by Ni are sensible or not. This gives you the opposite to add your own comments afterwards... "Have you consider..."

    Good luck.
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  4. #4
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    I think you are going about it backwards. First you get to know the person, their habits etc THEN you relate it to MBTI. It doesn't work if you know their type and base everything you do around them off of that. I know plenty of people who are the same type, they act nothing alike but I see that they function similarly.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

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  5. #5
    DoubleplusUngoodNonperson
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    I think you are going about it backwards. First you get to know the person, their habits etc THEN you relate it to MBTI. It doesn't work if you know their type and base everything you do around them off of that. .
    like 99% of this forum needs to read this post 10xs. well said

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by wolfmaiden14 View Post
    Key = VALIDATION. If you don't want them to feel invalidated, then don't!

    Ask them to explain what they think and why they think it before you debate. Nod a lot. Comment in that direction. Look like you agree even if you don't. Make it clear that you undersand and respect their point, and therefore (as they see it)THEM. Even SAY that you understand and respect their point, and that it might be true in a certain situation. (then you can transition into your own points) "However, in this situation, I believe (your points) make it more like (your opinion)." Try to word it in ways that gives them the extra information you believe they're missing rather than being argumentative. Pay attention to body language and back off and go back to some validating techniques if you see them getting upset.

    This is just conflict prevention techniques in general, but is an especially important point for ENFJs.

    ENFJs who lack enough Ti are a dangerous force indeed. ><
    Thanks, that has helped alot. My conflict prevention with this person has got to the point where I just stay quiet and I am now trying to work on communicating more effectivley.

    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    I think you are going about it backwards. First you get to know the person, their habits etc THEN you relate it to MBTI. It doesn't work if you know their type and base everything you do around them off of that. I know plenty of people who are the same type, they act nothing alike but I see that they function similarly.
    I have known her for a long time and I am looking for some help with a particular type. Feelings are a weak point. The extent of my dealing with F is if it will hurt, offend, etc dont say it. But there are times when things have to be said and I want to be able to say them without so much conflict and more discussion.

  7. #7
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    I think you are going about it backwards. First you get to know the person, their habits etc THEN you relate it to MBTI. It doesn't work if you know their type and base everything you do around them off of that. I know plenty of people who are the same type, they act nothing alike but I see that they function similarly.
    Back when we were mechanics, I recall sitting next to my ISTP bff out in the sun on the hood of his car. We'd gotten out of the garage for the day. I was railing about this INTP I was seeing (a mutual friend). ISTP had two responses to this sort of thing with me:

    1. play devil's advocate, which usually sent me over into "Who's side are you ON?! *I'm* 'Little Sister', dammit!" (to which he'd laugh and relent). Or if I was really jacked up, he'd say quite calmly and seriously, "I'm trying to get you to see the other side of this, and also, I know you could break the guy in half and I don't think he needs to die for his stupidity. YET."

    He'd feel sorry for the INTP, sometimes just sit there shaking his head and muttering, "It's like you *want* to die, X." He would point out to me that the longer X knew me, the less he got me. Then he'd turn around and defend the guy because I'm an "extinction level fireball and nobody stands a chance".


    2. listen sympathetically and let me cry or yell until I was calm. He never seemed afraid of me. I was grateful for that. I was so tired of being told to control myself, to calm down, to stop crying, stop yelling, stop caring. He knew me very well and understood that I NEEDED to get that mess out in whatever way possible or it would hurt me. I was in a VERY bad threatening mangling life situation and I didn't lose my temper over stupid stuff. I was truly in trouble and trying to survive. I didn't need lessons in table manners. He refrained from that sort of thing.


    Quote Originally Posted by poki View Post
    Thanks, that has helped alot. My conflict prevention with this person has got to the point where I just stay quiet and I am now trying to work on communicating more effectivley.

    I have known her for a long time and I am looking for some help with a particular type. Feelings are a weak point. The extent of my dealing with F is if it will hurt, offend, etc dont say it. But there are times when things have to be said and I want to be able to say them without so much conflict and more discussion.
    Developing your F is important, not because you need to cry at Hallmark commercials but because it'll help you to interpret the other Fs in your life.

    Hard truths. Yes, there's no easy way to break those sometimes. I understand. I take hard truths from my sister and my mother because I know that they would throw themselves under a bus for me, and even if it upsets me, they would never hurt me or trample on me, so there must be something I need to examine. Granted, that takes a frightening amount of vulnerability and willingness to leave yourself open. It was okay with ISTP friend and my INTJ bff (both male), but others? No.

    I have yet to meet a man in a romantic sense who didn't try to manipulate me somehow or disrespect horribly me to his advantage during a fight.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    1. play devil's advocate, which usually sent me over into "Who's side are you ON?! *I'm* 'Little Sister', dammit!" (to which he'd laugh and relent). Or if I was really jacked up, he'd say quite calmly and seriously, "I'm trying to get you to see the other side of this, and also, I know you could break the guy in half and I don't think he needs to die for his stupidity. YET."
    We love to play devils advocate with someone to try and show them that the other person has a reason. Now whether or not it is a valid reason is for each person to decide, we just always have to look at both sides or we start to become a ENFJ shadow and make value judgments. This makes us feel stupid when someone else pointed out something we didnt consider and we have to back up why we thought what we thought.

    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    He'd feel sorry for the INTP, sometimes just sit there shaking his head and muttering, "It's like you *want* to die, X." He would point out to me that the longer X knew me, the less he got me. Then he'd turn around and defend the guy because I'm an "extinction level fireball and nobody stands a chance".
    Its like a serpents tongue. I have heard this from several people when they piss this ENFJ off, Its like the most perfect words come out to put that person in there place. Or on the otherside she has this knack of getting people to do things for her, they are geniuses with how to relate to people and get there point across.

    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    2. listen sympathetically and let me cry or yell until I was calm. He never seemed afraid of me. I was grateful for that. I was so tired of being told to control myself, to calm down, to stop crying, stop yelling, stop caring. He knew me very well and understood that I NEEDED to get that mess out in whatever way possible or it would hurt me. I was in a VERY bad threatening mangling life situation and I didn't lose my temper over stupid stuff. I was truly in trouble and trying to survive. I didn't need lessons in table manners. He refrained from that sort of thing.
    We dont judge and if raised to consider emotions we can handle a lot of emotion. When not stressed I can deal with 4 year old temper tantrums without even batting an eye, no frustrationg, no anger, nothing. We arent the people to turn to when you need empathy, but we are the person to turn to when you need emotional strength and a shoulder to cry on. We will listen without letting the Fe get in the way. We also dont judge you on what you did. We know you had a reason and its based on what you knew at the time, so just like we dont like being judged for a bad judgement call, we wont judge others on thiers. This is assuming a healthy/happy ISTP.


    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    Developing your F is important, not because you need to cry at Hallmark commercials but because it'll help you to interpret the other Fs in your life.
    I am starting to realize this. I do not get emotional, but now that I am paying attention to Fe I can read peoples emotions alot better now and try to pull out what is wrong or sense how someone feels. I am still in the toddler mode where I ask alot of questions though and kinda slow, but Im getting there.

    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    Granted, that takes a frightening amount of vulnerability and willingness to leave yourself open. It was okay with ISTP friend and my INTJ bff (both male), but others? No.
    I am the same way, but with Ti. It takes a good amount of vulnerability for me to say what I think because I dont want to be judged for my screw ups and bad judgement. I will do things in private to verify myself before I will do it with others present so that they dont see a weak vulnerable Ti. That is why we need so much space. We need time to figure things out and be able to know its right before anyone even knows we are capable of doing it. You dont usually know what an ISTP is capable of until he has mastered it.

    There is always a reason "we just feel like it", but it takes a special person to get it out of us. It is based on Ti and when this gets called out we feel just as invalidated as when an ENFJ gets called out for there Fe. If it is forced out when we do not want to say, we seem to know how much Se detail to withhold to send them off in a different direction and if that means closing up my Fe than thats what I do.

  9. #9
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    I think I met an ENFJ last night. Pretty sure. I was at about my weirdest, which is pretty weird, and the conversation seemed to be going unusually well, considering that. So, be weird.

  10. #10
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    You met another ENFJ? Did you snap a picture? I've only met two in person.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

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