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  1. #71
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    Question This is really interesting!

    So unusual to hear ENFJ's discussing their shadow side...

    I have had a few serious relationships with ENFJ's, but they always end badly or very abruptly and I hate it!
    The chemistry between me (entp) and enfj is usually very strong. I see what Kalach has mentioned and also the flip side. Sometimes I feel that enfj's are just so eager to find the negative in things and situations at times. I dont' know if they feel threatened by something in the relationship, but I do wish I could understand this issue better.
    The last guy I knew (enfj) just worked with me on such a great, intuitve and intellectual level. I miss him, but I knew I had to move on bec. he was older and in a different place in his life. He loved me..I am sure of that, but he was such a fatalist and envious sort. I started seeing someone just platonicly at first and he just went ape*hit!! I have never witnessed such a distorted emotional mess. He just abandoned me and I consider him quite the coward for not talking to me. The strange thing is that he was the one who ALWAYS wanted to talk immediately after any issue cropped up. I laugh at this, because it was always me before this.
    Can an enfj explain to me what may have happened? I still think and feel about him, but I know I have to let it go completely. I now am getting to know an ISFJ and he is just great to me, but the chemistry is so different!
    Last edited by pecan111; 02-10-2009 at 02:32 AM. Reason: personal

  2. #72
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    Quote Originally Posted by pecan111 View Post
    Can an enfj explain to me what may have happened? I still think and feel about him, but I know I have to let it go completely. I now am seeing an ISFJ and he is just great to me, but the chemistry is so different and I dont' want to compare him to the incredible bond that I had with my ex-enfj.
    Do you wish to let go completely? Is this a hint to him. I understand what are you saying. That's perfectly fine, ENFJs are mature enough to understand.

    The ENFJ learnt how to talk about issues. Like he hadn't done before, which he is grateful for to you. There was a very special connection on the intuitive, intellectual lines that is something I felt when I talk to you, when I look into your eyes. ENFJs, can idealise, so this might be why didn't want to talk about issues, maybe didn't know how. I've noticed this with ENFJs, their internal self is numb relatively, the Fi. Let me try stepping into his thoughts...

    In terms of closure. It is important that he has boundaries, you're in a relationship and he may wish to respect that and let you be happy. I just want to say that he does want to leave on amicable terms. I wish to forgive her for anything she has done to me, and I hope that in return for my flaws. We are all too human and make so many mistakes in our lives. Life is so short, it passes by us and leaves us worn, but the future is where our hopes can come true. If I was him I would want to leave on terms that we are friends, but to not dissolve the connection that was there and mock it by slowly letting it dissolve to nothingness. He had never had feelings for someone like this before, from what I can infer, and the time spent together, will not be looked back as something bad, but instead something bittersweet, happiness to find love and sadness, that it couldn't last, but treasured in the depths of his heart. Maybe if you and him were in a different place in a different time, maybe... May you be blessed with love and happiness in your life and all your wishes come true.

  3. #73
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    =Siegfried;524876]Do you wish to let go completely
    i didnt really want to , but I had to eventually.


    The ENFJ learnt how to talk about issues. Like he hadn't done before, which he is grateful for to you. There was a very special connection on the intuitive, intellectual lines that is something I felt when I talk to you, when I look into your eyes.
    Yes, we had an incredible connection...way beyond the average. He felt it and talked a lot about it. But it hurts that he gave it up ...it just hurts ...



    In terms of closure. It is important that he has boundaries, you're in a relationship and he may wish to respect that and let you be happy
    .
    i agree that he would like me to be happy, but he expounded a lot on how miserable he was...it just was truth but it also was used by him to try and retain my friendship in a perverted way. He never validated my feelings aobut it, but he wanted that for him. He would just say, "you see it entirely different from me"...thats not validation...thats cruel...over and over again like I was making something up, which I wasn't..I felt it ..I really did.

    I
    just want to say that he does want to leave on amicable terms. I wish to forgive her for anything she has done to me, and I hope that in return for my flaws. We are all too human and make so many mistakes in our lives. Life is so short, it passes by us and leaves us worn, but the future is where our hopes can come true. If I was him I would want to leave on terms that we are friends, but to not dissolve the connection that was there and mock it by slowly letting it dissolve to nothingness. He had never had feelings for someone like this before, from what I can infer, and the time spent together, will not be looked back as something bad, but instead something bittersweet, happiness to find love and sadness, that it couldn't last, but treasured in the depths of his heart. Maybe if you and him were in a different place in a different time, maybe... May you be blessed with love and happiness in your life and all your wishes come true.
    [/QUOTE]
    well, it would b enice to think this, but I still have issues, which I am trying to let go of. I just never had the closure and entps' need explanations...we need to understand but he has forever taken that from me so I feel used and manipulated and cheated...I know i shouldn't let it get to me and I am working on it..I think its one of the hardest things for me to do, but I will have to.. time heals, but time doens't pass fast enough sometimes...I also have to allow these feeligns to slowly fade and the hurt is still rather raw. I only recently have developed some of my feeling side and since I don't have real well developed feelings, I knowI am speaking prematurely. I can't feel the same as he did, but I do feel and it just seems that he placed more weight on his own feelings and didn't consider how mine were. I should say that if my feelings weren't in congruence with his, then there was always a problem. If my feelings were different, then we had problems!!! i have seen feelers do this before...somehow if you don't match theirs, then you are not genuine...you don't care and you are wrong...I am not a mind reader and I just wish they would give us some credit. I really don't like just being thrown into the pit of despair because I can't always feel EXACTLY like feelers do...

  4. #74
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    Quote Originally Posted by pecan111 View Post
    So unusual to hear ENFJ's discussing their shadow side...

    I have had a few serious relationships with ENFJ's, but they always end badly or very abruptly and I hate it!
    The chemistry between me (entp) and enfj is usually very strong. I see what Kalach has mentioned and also the flip side. Sometimes I feel that enfj's are just so eager to find the negative in things and situations at times. I dont' know if they feel threatened by something in the relationship, but I do wish I could understand this issue better.
    The last guy I knew (enfj) just worked with me on such a great, intuitve and intellectual level. I miss him, but I knew I had to move on bec. he was older and in a different place in his life. He loved me..I am sure of that, but he was such a fatalist and envious sort. I started seeing someone just platonicly at first and he just went ape*hit!! I have never witnessed such a distorted emotional mess. He just abandoned me and I consider him quite the coward for not talking to me. The strange thing is that he was the one who ALWAYS wanted to talk immediately after any issue cropped up. I laugh at this, because it was always me before this.
    Can an enfj explain to me what may have happened? I still think and feel about him, but I know I have to let it go completely. I now am seeing an ISFJ and he is just great to me, but the chemistry is so different and I dont' want to compare him to the incredible bond that I had with my ex-enfj.
    I would love to help add insight to this situation, although of course the true insight can only come from him. I need to know more though...What was the reason he gave for leaving? Did he say it was bc of the platonic friendship?

    You say that this ENFJ contradicted himself by always prodding you to talk about issues, but yet when he left he didn't talk at all. Maybe he was tired of trying to convince you to talk about issues, and whatever pushed him over the edge was just too much to handle emotionally. Remember, this is a huge disadvantage of feelers- they feel so much that they can be overwhelmed by emotions. We don't always have the ability to reason like you T's.

    When an ENFJ makes up their mind to leave a relationship, that's it. The end. Significant others rarely get a second chance. We like to help people, and we idealize those we love. We can still stick around, even after reality has set in (Although this can be another reason for his bolting). But when we realize that we have poured way too many resources into a relationship, that makes it more difficult.
    And another issue I have is trying to "teach" or guide someone to being a better person, although sometimes I try to lead them down the wrong path. Like I think I know better than them or something, but I am forgetting to listen to them. When an ENFJ realizes they can't "change" a person, especially if the way they want to change the person is making the relationship more difficult, bolting risk increases.

  5. #75
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    It takes a lot to push me to the "take a hike" level of dismissal. If someone manages to push me that far, it's very much a "get out, don't come back" situation. Otherwise, it's my sister and my friends pulling me off of things because I don't let go. I lock on like a pit bull. Not always a healthy aspect of my nature.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  6. #76
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    Their shadows are skinny too.

  7. #77
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    It takes a lot to push me to the "take a hike" level of dismissal. If someone manages to push me that far, it's very much a "get out, don't come back" situation..
    That's a perfect way of putting it!

  8. #78
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    TY, Afkan! I think it's because there's a distinct terminus to my patience, like reaching the end of a pier. One more step and you'll be in the water.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

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