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  1. #351
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ExAstrisSpes View Post
    You're right that things don't add up, and I do think that one of the reasons he took so long to tell me was because he knew it was going to cause a conflict. I also agree that he's not quite sure what he's thinking either.
    So... seems this is yet another ENFJ rant for ranting's sake?
    Either your story doesn't add up or his doesn't. First you say that he said you two haven't been together long enough to go away on holiday together; now you tell us that he's going away with someone he barely knows and that you aren't prepared to /can't go. Which is it? And if you've no intention of doing anything about it why come on here bitching about it? It's irritating and seems disloyal to me, especially since you aren't looking for solutions just trying to garner some sympathy/support for a situation you've already decided to put up with.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  2. #352
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Redbone View Post
    I think, Astris, that I would have to protest. Your BF may be thinking, "I'll be fine. I have a GF and it doesn't make sense to get tangled up with another woman. She may be attracted to me but I've got this under control." I think many INTPs can underestimate other people's emotions and motives and our own response to them. It's a situation that has a lot of potential minefields--just throwing two people in a setting that creates intimacy (no matter how temporary) is a huge red flag. It's not really about trust...it comes down to something just not being a good idea. Plus when you respect your partner, you don't willingly put yourself in a setting where there is good potential for intimacy to grow.
    Redbone is a smart lady. A person doesn't have to be intentionally looking for chances to stray. However, if the other person likes him and if they are frequently thrown together and if certain circumstances make it conducive, it's easy for something to end up happening. Even if your bf and you are cool with it all (which I don't think is the case), the other girl's feelings should also be considered. If you have all the ingredients mixed together for a certain recipe, it follows that you will end up with that product. This isn't about you controlling him or about whether or not you trust him. Given the right circumstances, none of us are completely trustworthy, no matter our age, character or relationship status. This is something worth fighting over.

  3. #353
    Senior Member TopherRed's Avatar
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    This makes more sense.
    Love is the point.

  4. #354
    Senior Member TopherRed's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ExAstrisSpes View Post
    He is most certainly focused on the backpacking-in-foreign-country aspect of the trip. When he explained his motivations to me of why he wanted to go, it was "I've always wanted to go to this place and do this and now I have the opportunity!", as opposed to, "I'm going on a trip with this girl!"

    I haven't met the woman, but he's said he can arrange an introduction.

    The "making the trip without my input" complaint is that, the decision to make the trip affects the significant other and the decision was made without giving the significant other a head's up. Therefore, the significant other was completely unable to express his/her opinion that would in any way affect the outcome, which leaves him/her feeling like their feelings or opinion doesn't matter, i.e. unwanted.

    I'm not wild about him going on this trip, and honestly I would rather he didn't, but I don't want to control his behavior. If I didn't trust him, what the hell am I doing with him? If he betrays my trust, he knows what will happen. He's proven himself trustworthy and reliable so far.

    He's also expressed that he realizes there may be some emotional fallout with this other girl that may affect the trip, that I don't think he anticipated having to deal with.
    Astris, this makes much more sense.
    Love is the point.

  5. #355
    Senior Member ExAstrisSpes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Salomé View Post
    So... seems this is yet another ENFJ rant for ranting's sake?
    Either your story doesn't add up or his doesn't. First you say that he said you two haven't been together long enough to go away on holiday together; now you tell us that he's going away with someone he barely knows and that you aren't prepared to /can't go. Which is it? And if you've no intention of doing anything about it why come on here bitching about it? It's irritating and seems disloyal to me, especially since you aren't looking for solutions just trying to garner some sympathy/support for a situation you've already decided to put up with.
    This post was where it all got started. So please don't say that I "came here bitching about it", because I was trying to clarify a point that INTP made, which was what started this whole three page discussion. I never even asked anyone for sympathy/support, even though I've received plenty of support and kind notes from people here via PM.

    1) He said that we haven't been together long enough to go on vacation together. You can choose to believe me or not, it doesn't make a difference to me. But that is what he said. We're spending Christmas and New Year's together with both our families, so take that for whatever it's worth. My intuition says that he is a bit relationship-shy and didn't really think his trip through before he committed to going on it.

    2) I can't drop everything to take off in two weeks on a two week vacation. I have grad school and I have work commitments next month that obligate me to be here and not on vacation. He told me he didn't know the woman very well, whom I've never met before. I suppose this is a contradiction on his part, since he doesn't feel obligated spending vacations with me yet he's going on vacation with a woman he doesn't know as well as me.

    Again, you can believe me or not, I'm just a random stranger on the internet. But don't go accusing me of doing things that I didn't do. I certainly didn't need or want my comment to turn into a 3 page discussion of the inner workings of my relationship. I'm very sorry to have derailed the thread, which I enjoyed reading and was interested in following. I won't respond to any more comments on this thread directed at this particular instance. If you want to discuss this issue with me, please PM me as I'm not going to be complicit in derailing the thread any further.

  6. #356
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Can he be trusted to say something if hormones kick in and he "loses himself in the moment"? That, to me, seems to be the most important question here.

    If this relationship has serious marriage potential, then this is probably a terrible idea. The relationship is too young to be expected to shoulder a test like this. If the marriage thing is still up for question, if he can be trusted to be honest, and if ExAstrisSpes is okay to let the pieces fall where they may, then why not let this play out?

  7. #357
    nee andante bechimo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    Can he be trusted to say something if hormones kick in and he "loses himself in the moment"? That, to me, seems to be the most important question here.

    If this relationship has serious marriage potential, then this is probably a terrible idea. The relationship is too young to be expected to shoulder a test like this. If the marriage thing is still up for question, if he can be trusted to be honest, and if ExAstrisSpes is okay to let the pieces fall where they may, then why not let this play out?
    Udog, the beginning of a relationship is where you set the tone for the rest of it. The less honesty one expresses at the beginning, the greater the shock will be once the honeymoon period wears off.

  8. #358
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ExAstrisSpes View Post
    This post was where it all got started. So please don't say that I "came here bitching about it", because I was trying to clarify a point that INTP made, which was what started this whole three page discussion. I never even asked anyone for sympathy/support, even though I've received plenty of support and kind notes from people here via PM.

    1) He said that we haven't been together long enough to go on vacation together. You can choose to believe me or not, it doesn't make a difference to me. But that is what he said. We're spending Christmas and New Year's together with both our families, so take that for whatever it's worth. My intuition says that he is a bit relationship-shy and didn't really think his trip through before he committed to going on it.

    2) I can't drop everything to take off in two weeks on a two week vacation. I have grad school and I have work commitments next month that obligate me to be here and not on vacation. He told me he didn't know the woman very well, whom I've never met before. I suppose this is a contradiction on his part, since he doesn't feel obligated spending vacations with me yet he's going on vacation with a woman he doesn't know as well as me.
    I for one don't much care about thread derails. Maybe the feedback you've had will be helpful to you, maybe it won't. I just find it annoying when people make passive-aggressive comments like those in your first post (which was dripping with sarcasm and self-pity, whether you intended it or not), and then start defending the partner they've attacked from the inevitable attacks of others over what appears to be completely unacceptable behaviour. It's irrational and I do not understand it.

    I'm not suggesting you're lying. I'm just wondering why you'd be prepared to put up with your boyfriend making you play second fiddle to some woman he barely knows. Do you think he'd be happy if the tables were turned - to let you go away with another man? He almost certainly would not. I don't believe even the most clueless INTP could think his behaviour (as you've described it) reasonable.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  9. #359
    Senior Member Oeufa's Avatar
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    INTPs? Romance? Ewww. Too messy and inefficient
    Ti>Ne>Si>Te>Fi>Ni>Se=Fe

    And yes, there are such things as INTPs who overuse emoticons

  10. #360
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    My last girlfriend told me that the more she got to know me the less she knew me. That broke my heart.

    My last boyfriend told me he loved me and wanted to show me off to his family, that turned me off.

    I'm not made for lovin, this rips me apart.



    not really, just like to think so.

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