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  1. #341
    Senior Member TopherRed's Avatar
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    Astris, watch your six. I don't care if he's an INTP, THAT is simply unacceptable, especially with the roller coaster he's put you on. I would be pitching an Fe-fit right now if I had an INTP girlfriend who was putting me through that (though that is EXTREMELY immature behavior for an INTP on average, as an adult). I swear, it looks like he's about to get laid for two weeks...

    I'm a man. I'm a loyal man, and I will be a monogomous man when the time comes... However, from a man's mind, and a man's sexual perspective, and a societal perspective, he's <perhaps subconciously> looking to get laid. I'm sorry.

    He may not know what he's thinking. Men often don't focus on our own motivations for doing things. I will tell you that it's likely, in his head, that he's told himself it's okay, that he's committed to you, and that she and he aren't...BUT, again, he might not be aware of his subconcious attraction to the other girl he's about to give one-on-one precious time with.

    If I were you (and I sort of am in a way), I would insist on inviting myself on that trip. This is a major violation...even he should see it. If you don't go, I would end the relationship. I don't care about how much he takes his attention away, and sulks, if his intentions toward you are as they appear, he shouldn't take issue missing one camping trip alone with a girl...in theory...he's completely plutonic over (and therefore shouldn't desire to spend a significant amount of time with her alone). Things just don't add up.
    Love is the point.

  2. #342
    Senior Member ExAstrisSpes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by violaine View Post
    Wow. Forgive me for saying but I would never be ok with that. It's lovely that you are so flexible and caring but I hope you don't get run over by this person. It's not a matter of trusting him, he's putting himself (and you) in a really precarious situation. i.e. How could you possibly feel safe in this situation?

    Did something ever happen between them, how do you know he hasn't been seeing her at the same time as you and this is the trip where he's going to break it off with her?

    I do know someone who might do something similar to this with no bad intention on his part because he felt sorry for the woman. But still. I hope he's calling you over those two weeks. Every night at least.
    I don't know if something ever happened between them, and he's not seeing her at the same time he's seeing me because she lives half an ocean away (and after this trip she will live a whole ocean away). He spends part of, if not the entirety, of every weekend with me since we started dating unless one or both of us are out-of-town. The impression that I get from him is that he doesn't know her very well and just views her as a friend at this point. From what Jock and others have told me, INTPs have very different perspectives on their relationships with people than an NF does.

    He's mentioned to me that this is the first time he's really felt he's had the attention of more than one woman. While I'm sure it's flattering to him, I also think he's not quite sure how to proceed. I don't know if he's had to rebuff women before.

    I did tell him that I need him to call me or keep in touch with me when he's on this trip, and there's still plenty of time to get details and expectations ironed out.

  3. #343
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    tell him how you feel about this, thats its wrong thing for him to do and explain why. imo he is acting like an idiot
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

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  4. #344
    Senior Member ExAstrisSpes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fuzzcrossed View Post
    He may not know what he's thinking. Men often don't focus on our own motivations for doing things. I will tell you that it's likely, in his head, that he's told himself it's okay, that he's committed to you, and that she and he aren't...BUT, again, he might not be aware of his subconcious attraction to the other girl he's about to give one-on-one precious time with.

    If I were you (and I sort of am in a way), I would insist on inviting myself on that trip. This is a major violation...even he should see it. If you don't go, I would end the relationship. I don't care about how much he takes his attention away, and sulks, if his intentions toward you are as they appear, he shouldn't take issue missing one camping trip alone with a girl...in theory...he's completely plutonic over (and therefore shouldn't desire to spend a significant amount of time with her alone). Things just don't add up.
    I don't have the money or the ability to take two weeks off to go to this exotic and foreign land on a camping trip (work and school obligations keep me pretty close to home next month). He's expressed that the last time he had an opportunity to go to this country he missed it, and I honestly don't want to be the person who kept him from traveling somewhere he wanted to go.

    I told him straight out that if something happened between them on this trip I would have no problem walking away from it. And I honestly would not have a problem doing that. So he knows the consequences. There are other factors that I don't feel comfortable sharing but I feel ensure that nothing is going to happen between them.

    You're right that things don't add up, and I do think that one of the reasons he took so long to tell me was because he knew it was going to cause a conflict. I also agree that he's not quite sure what he's thinking either.

  5. #345
    Senior Member ExAstrisSpes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTP View Post
    tell him how you feel about this, thats its wrong thing for him to do and explain why. imo he is acting like an idiot
    He has admitted that he hasn't handled this situation in a way that's fair to me, and he has expressed interest in doing what he can that would make me feel more comfortable about the whole thing.

  6. #346
    As Long As It Takes.... Redbone's Avatar
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    I think, Astris, that I would have to protest. Your BF may be thinking, "I'll be fine. I have a GF and it doesn't make sense to get tangled up with another woman. She may be attracted to me but I've got this under control." I think many INTPs can underestimate other people's emotions and motives and our own response to them. It's a situation that has a lot of potential minefields--just throwing two people in a setting that creates intimacy (no matter how temporary) is a huge red flag. It's not really about trust...it comes down to something just not being a good idea. Plus when you respect your partner, you don't willingly put yourself in a setting where there is good potential for intimacy to grow.

  7. #347
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    Huh. Honestly, I've done things like this before and suffered the inevitable fallout from the gf, where I'm oblivious/don't care as to who is going, but my focus is on a rather specific element of the trip [the backpacking, just getting away, a specific museum exhibit...etc].

    Nobody really knows the situation regarding him and this woman better than you at this point, so I'd trust your evaluation of the dynamic between them...but I've been in identical situations where my intentions were just on "the trip" and not really who was going to be there.

    I also don't understand the "making the trip without my input" complaint.



  8. #348
    Senior Member ExAstrisSpes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    Huh. Honestly, I've done things like this before and suffered the inevitable fallout from the gf, where I'm oblivious/don't care as to who is going, but my focus is on a rather specific element of the trip [the backpacking, just getting away, a specific museum exhibit...etc].

    Nobody really knows the situation regarding him and this woman better than you at this point, so I'd trust your evaluation of the dynamic between them...but I've been in identical situations where my intentions were just on "the trip" and not really who was going to be there.

    I also don't understand the "making the trip without my input" complaint.
    He is most certainly focused on the backpacking-in-foreign-country aspect of the trip. When he explained his motivations to me of why he wanted to go, it was "I've always wanted to go to this place and do this and now I have the opportunity!", as opposed to, "I'm going on a trip with this girl!"

    I haven't met the woman, but he's said he can arrange an introduction.

    The "making the trip without my input" complaint is that, the decision to make the trip affects the significant other and the decision was made without giving the significant other a head's up. Therefore, the significant other was completely unable to express his/her opinion that would in any way affect the outcome, which leaves him/her feeling like their feelings or opinion doesn't matter, i.e. unwanted.

    I'm not wild about him going on this trip, and honestly I would rather he didn't, but I don't want to control his behavior. If I didn't trust him, what the hell am I doing with him? If he betrays my trust, he knows what will happen. He's proven himself trustworthy and reliable so far.

    He's also expressed that he realizes there may be some emotional fallout with this other girl that may affect the trip, that I don't think he anticipated having to deal with.

  9. #349
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ExAstrisSpes View Post
    He has admitted that he hasn't handled this situation in a way that's fair to me, and he has expressed interest in doing what he can that would make me feel more comfortable about the whole thing.
    its not fair to you that he goes. is there anything that he can do to make you feel comfortable about this other than not going? if not, i think you should tell it to him.
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

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  10. #350
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    My line of thinking is like Jock's...I'd probably be like, "Ooh! Trip!" and not even think about the guy who was into me, because in my mind, I'm not into him, and it's not going to happen, and why give up an awesome trip because of a minor travelling companion nuisance. This is why we get all confused when we date people who are more people-aware than we are, b/c we're not all about making connections all the time. Generally speaking, INTPs don't just fall into relationships all the time. For me, finding someone I am actually interested in and click with happens so infrequently, it's laughable to think about mere proximity changing that.

    However, since it bothers you and makes you feel icky, he should consider your feelings.
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