I guess this is also a perfectionist thing. I try to make everything, and I mean every single thing, RIGHT, in my head. I need to put, arrange or act everything in a way it's "right". For example, I know I'm a perfectionist in the sense I so desperately want to be the "best" I could be - as a person, as a character, as an ethical creature. But then I see that I don't need justifications for people's actions, I don't need a reason, I understand everything in others - whether it's good or bad. The only thing that could make me resent someone is if they're doing something bad knowingly and purposely, and don't feel any regret. It's a matter of conscience then. But like I said, I feel very connected to the human nature - whether to the good or bad. This awareness makes me take a different angle towards myself - I require perfection of the higher nature of man from myself, but not from others, cause I know the "depths" of human nature.
But then, as I try to put things RIGHT, I see that as a principle, it's hypocritical of me to have different requirements for me. Objectively, the rules should be the same for everybody.
That was just one example of my "inner workings". I constantly re-value my values, well, not really re-value, but examine them, to make sure they're right. I also do this with my motives - sometimes even to a point where I can't justify a selfish act to myself and so can't act based on it.
It's so burdening to have such high inner ideals that almost oblige you to be a perfect human being. I know it's not possible in a sense - but I KNOW what a perfect human being is, and I would feel WRONG not to pursue that, cause IT IS RIGHT, because I can realize it. I don't know if this makes any sense. I kind of feel responsible for everything and everybody, like I just "have to" save the world xD
It's like carrying everything on your own shoulders, and as a doer, you know you can. It's just hard, even though that's the only way you can have satisfaction and feel some sort of pleasure. If I had to configurate myself as a prophet I'd be the one with sad eyes. Well not really sad, but serious!