• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[INFJ] INFJ: the one that got away?

karenk

New member
Joined
Apr 19, 2008
Messages
160
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Well I'm still trying to recover from one INTJ girl breaking my heart. So I can't say my views on the prospects of INFJ-INTJ relations is very positive.

I'll say this: I'm somewhat stuck in between a rock and a hard place here. On one hand, I don't really want her back in my life, yet at the same time I can't completely forget about her either. A colleague said it was a conflict between my Ni and Fe. My Ni has moved on, but my Fe hasn't.

Can anyother INFJs relate to this conflict?

Yes, I look at it as a conflict between the conscious and subconscious mind. Consciously you know it's over and nothing's going to happen further (if that's what you're thinking), but your subconscious takes more time to believe this. Eventually it catches up though and everything aligns.
 

penelope

New member
Joined
Nov 17, 2008
Messages
249
MBTI Type
INxJ
Hey, an INTJ here. I'm not sure I belong in this conversation as the "relationships are their achilles heal - INTJ" type but what the hey. I think we INTJs are probably the closest to the INFJ without being one...that intense Ni preference and all. My problem is having the game to get into the relationship. Once I'm there I've always been quite comfortable. I've never had a regret after leaving a relationship, but don't she ever did either.

I am surprised that no one has asked what kind of personalities these "regret" guys had? That seems really relevant. The common denominator may lie there. So, INFJs, tell us about these guys...

That is if this conversation is still alive. I had to really start skimming to catch up before posting.

I've never dated an INFJ. I am intrigued and frightened by you at the same time. The one confirmed potential INFJ mate I knew also frightened me, but more than she intrigued me. I don' think she was a healthy one.

I've been trying to find out what the types of the guys in my past that showed that "regret". I'll be back when I do... haha.

But for the record, two were INFJ guys (which is suprising, considering), I'm guessing that the others were ESFP, ENFP, INFx,.
 
S

Sniffles

Guest
Yes, I look at it as a conflict between the conscious and subconscious mind. Consciously you know it's over and nothing's going to happen further (if that's what you're thinking), but your subconscious takes more time to believe this. Eventually it catches up though and everything aligns.

Yeah that's what happened last time a girl really broke my heart. It's just a shame it has to take so long. It's literally been a year since I last talked to her. Although these periods are usually ones of great personal growth as well, so it evens out.
 

karenk

New member
Joined
Apr 19, 2008
Messages
160
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Yeah that's what happened last time a girl really broke my heart. It's just a shame it has to take so long. It's literally been a year since I last talked to her. Although these periods are usually ones of great personal growth as well, so it evens out.

That's the time frame I experienced when I was in that situation.
 

LadyJaye

Scream down the boulevard
Joined
Nov 6, 2007
Messages
2,062
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
Yeah that's what happened last time a girl really broke my heart. It's just a shame it has to take so long. It's literally been a year since I last talked to her. Although these periods are usually ones of great personal growth as well, so it evens out.

I've only been in love once in my life, and when the relationship ended, I grieved about it for over two years. Love shouldn't come or go quickly if it's real.
 

Giggly

No moss growing on me
Joined
Jun 12, 2008
Messages
9,661
MBTI Type
iSFj
Enneagram
2
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Give poor Penelope a break, people. She's just venting.


I've only been in love once in my life, and when the relationship ended, I grieved about it for over two years. Love shouldn't come or go quickly if it's real.

Same exact thing for me.
 

Stayne Falls

New member
Joined
Dec 28, 2008
Messages
3
MBTI Type
INFJ
Hmmmm

I'm wondering if this is the case for other INFJs...

I can count maybe 4-5 guys who have passed me up in the past who have admitted that they regret letting me go, passing me up, or letting me get away.

I would never have let you get away, Kelly.
 

Kalach

Filthy Apes!
Joined
Dec 3, 2008
Messages
4,310
MBTI Type
INTJ
Harking back to some earlier posts on who's complex and who's not, time to represent (making it up as I go...)

INXJ pride.

Isn't it supposed to be that INXJs build up gigantic pictures inside themselves of what is real. It's how we do our dominant Ni thing. And it's supposed to be semi-conscious except when the judgment function's digging around focusing stuff.

But it's all there, and spills out only over time. So, yep, we's mo complex'n you guys.

(Here's the line in the sand.... any other INs wanna make some claims?)

Might not be true, dunno, but if it is, then INFJs have the added fillip of being touchy about it too. Hello mysterious layers.


But maybe on the OP idea, it's just that INXJs are supposed to be the acutely accurate truth telling advisors. INFJs probably bug people a lot with that one but it could easily be something you miss when it's gone. (And you would miss it because if you were with an INFJ ever, you'd have to have liked being advised at least a little, or been deaf.)
 

iwakar

crush the fences
Joined
May 2, 2007
Messages
4,877
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
INXJ pride.

Isn't it supposed to be that INXJs build up gigantic pictures inside themselves of what is real. It's how we do our dominant Ni thing. And it's supposed to be semi-conscious except when the judgment function's digging around focusing stuff.

But it's all there, and spills out only over time. So, yep, we's mo complex'n you guys.

(Here's the line in the sand.... any other INs wanna make some claims?)

Might not be true, dunno, but if it is, then INFJs have the added fillip of being touchy about it too. Hello mysterious layers.

OMG! We're like ogres and onions. (Gratuitous movie quote.) :D

But seriously, I just googled INFJ + complex and turned up a number of quotes correlating the two as a noun/descriptor relationship. I also googled INTJ + complex and turned up a number of quotes correlating the two as a noun/ability relationship.

Coincidence? Possible, but unlikely. Epic fail by most "typing" informational sites? Possible, but unlikely.

I get the "spidey sense" that the real reason this notion was contested was that others believed INxJs to be holding a monopoly on this attribute, which is untrue. I can certainly think of other people that qualify as complex... I think ENTPs are a fine example.

Let it be said --complexity is not the same as intentional inscrutability, which has the nasty tendency to be wielded like a cudgel to "keep the mortals at bay."

But maybe on the OP idea, it's just that INXJs are supposed to be the acutely accurate truth telling advisors. INFJs probably bug people a lot with that one but it could easily be something you miss when it's gone. (And you would miss it because if you were with an INFJ ever, you'd have to have liked being advised at least a little, or been deaf.)

You may have hit upon something here. Of course, I'd have to ask my exes to be sure of this and I don't know if I'm up to excavatory research. You first for academic purposes!

:tongue:
 

Stayne Falls

New member
Joined
Dec 28, 2008
Messages
3
MBTI Type
INFJ
Well, fancy that. How'd you find yourself over here Kienan? :)

Gage and I have been talking about MBTI stuff a lot as sort of a personal project and he linked me to this forum. Didn't expect to see you here! Wow, we're both Cancers and INFJs? I think there's some sort of conspiracy going on here.
 

penelope

New member
Joined
Nov 17, 2008
Messages
249
MBTI Type
INxJ
Gage and I have been talking about MBTI stuff a lot as sort of a personal project and he linked me to this forum. Didn't expect to see you here! Wow, we're both Cancers and INFJs? I think there's some sort of conspiracy going on here.

I think that's a definite possibility. The other guy friend I have, that also happens to be born on July 7th, 1986, is also an INFJ.

I've only recently gotten into MBTI. Been researching it as an aim to better understand why I do things (the J in me is what has been wrecking havoc and I'm trying to figure it out) for a few months.
 

Kalach

Filthy Apes!
Joined
Dec 3, 2008
Messages
4,310
MBTI Type
INTJ
Let it be said --complexity is not the same as intentional inscrutability, which has the nasty tendency to be wielded like a cudgel to "keep the mortals at bay."

Yeah, actually, what I said would mean there are differing areas of complexity for differing types.

INFJs might still take the cake though because your area of complexity is so closely related to who the INFJ is inside... AND is so tied up with the N.

I dunno, I'm just guessing.


As for the one that got away, a thing used to happen when I was younger, and it happened often enough for me to remark on it with something like a pissed off pride: people would sometimes appear on the horizon to announce that years earlier I had said something they thought was stupid at the time but which turned out to be true.

I don't know if I'm exaggerating this or not because it used to happen, but these days hasn't happened in many years. Maybe it only works when your peers are teens.

Maybe INFJs have something similar but much more closely related to those icky people-y things that people get up to, feelings and whatnot.


Or maybe you dwell often enough on break ups that the ex finally has to admit some kind of mistake.

I didn't say that, I didn't say that, no, no, I didn't... Aaaagh, Fe-ed until I bleed

Actually, not speaking from experience, just from watching an INFJ friend a bit.
 

Erudur

New member
Joined
Dec 17, 2008
Messages
190
MBTI Type
INTJ
Here are a few thoughts. Perhaps the INFJ has a subconscious attraction to the free spirit type that causes them to overlook other incompatibilities. In the relationship the INFJ begins to see these things, but is also injured by the common insensitivities of the free-spirit type.

After the breakup, the free spirit type eventually matures to a place of looking for deeper love and settling down. It is then that the free-spirit realizes what a good thing they had.

By then the bridges have been burnt for the INFJ.

Here are the possible characteristics of other types in similar situations that reduce the one-that-got-away syndrome:

SPs - they are the free spirits. they enjoy the love and leave relationships but their own potentially shallow contributions to the relationship don't leave the other person looking back with regret.

SJs - they were never part of this discussion. Though I suppose the really feeling SFJs might be, but I'm guessing it was the NF that did the breaking up. So the SJs regret was for something they were never going to have anyway.

NFPs - they have SP tendencies and may realize that regret after the relationship is over. On the receiving end, they are less likely to burn the bridge, so a past relationship that was special may be rekindled.

NTPs - especially the Es may be the perpetrators, but are less likely to look back with regret. They chalk it up as a lesson learned and move on.

NTJs - projecting my own perspective, we are pretty deliberate in relationships. We are less likely (not-at-all-likely) to get into a relationship we aren't serious about. Once in, we won't be the ones to take advantage of the relationship, the struggles might more likely be along the lines of .... actually I don't know the answer to this one.
 

EcK

The Memes Justify the End
Joined
Nov 21, 2008
Messages
7,708
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
738
I have an INFJ friend, she's the one calling me back. We dated for a while years ago, it was my messier relation EVER^^.
I did try to get rid of her like, 3 to 10 times - depends how you count? but she'd always send a card or something. She has a boyfriend and all so it's not that.
Personally, I just move on, I just need to shed the past away and have a fresh set of buddies once in a while. It's just my way of living my life. I always say it, I don't lie about it, but somehow people don't always get the message.

My relations with others are therefore very superficial and not percieved as a 'long term' thing. Most people just bore me after a while, and I usually like them because I'm a kid and like new and shiny.
 

iwakar

crush the fences
Joined
May 2, 2007
Messages
4,877
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Or maybe you dwell often enough on break ups that the ex finally has to admit some kind of mistake.

I didn't say that, I didn't say that, no, no, I didn't... Aaaagh, Fe-ed until I bleed

Actually, not speaking from experience, just from watching an INFJ friend a bit.

Meh. Not so much. When I was 16, 17 --my first two serious relationships I *did* do this dwelling business.

After that I got into the (bad?) habit of walking into the sunset without any *visible* glances back; meaning if I did dwell on it, they had no effing clue.
 
V

violaine

Guest
^I'm the same way.

I'm starting to think that my own experiences have been because I am fairly 'low maintenance' in a relationship. I mean, they do have to tick a few boxes and I'm very picky about those things but once that's done and I'm in the relationship I am fairly content and like to treat my partner well. I want them to be happy/fulfilled. Whatever they need to do to achieve that is fine by me and I am very supportive of them. So, perhaps it's just the exes having tougher relationships after me. And the fact that I don't typically ever let them in again after it's all done is in high contrast to how devoted and open I am during the relationship. It might get them thinking about things later I guess.

This thread has really de-mystified all of this for me. I thought it was more mystical than I have recently come to realize it is. :D I've always assumed there is a lot of feeling behind an ex's overtures. But maybe not, maybe they just want to see if they can get you back or they were feeling nostalgic. *shrug* I still think it's weird that it can be a long time after the fact.
 

Kalach

Filthy Apes!
Joined
Dec 3, 2008
Messages
4,310
MBTI Type
INTJ
Well, INFJs are the seers because they know what hearts in the lies of men... that's pretty complex.

And now the other thing... the one getting away...

Fe.

Gotta love it.


No, I mean, you really do. It's required.

Fe gets under your skin. It reaches out and grabs you.

So... see, other types, the ones without the Fe as a first or second, ah, super power, they're not the "one's who got away" because if they're gone, they're gone. Dominant Fe would manage the exes into a suitably positioned on-going friendship. Auxiliary Fe'd be more stand-offish, I guess, but still working an outreach program.

Plus there's the seer thing.


Wicked combo.



I dunno. I'm just making it up as I go along.

I wonder also if one aspect of it is not, the whole INFJ thing is learning the hearts of men, so once a lesson is learned, there's not only a change and a growth and a next step, but there's no need, indeed perhaps a positive wish to not relearn it.

So INFJs make progress out of break ups in some kind of way that other types just do as healing...??

Or something?


 
S

Sniffles

Guest
I've only been in love once in my life, and when the relationship ended, I grieved about it for over two years. Love shouldn't come or go quickly if it's real.
Yes I definately relate to this attitude. As I often say, you can't force a broken heart to heal - even though that's what everybody tells you to do.
 

iwakar

crush the fences
Joined
May 2, 2007
Messages
4,877
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Well, INFJs are the seers because they know what hearts in the lies of men... that's pretty complex.

Is that reverse pun intentional? We arguably do spot the beating heart of "mens" lies.

And now the other thing... the one getting away...

Fe.

Gotta love it.


No, I mean, you really do. It's required.

Fe gets under your skin. It reaches out and grabs you.

I'm learning to be less surprised when this sort of remark escapes Ts. Shattering misconceptions is so enlightening. :happy:

I wonder also if one aspect of it is not, the whole INFJ thing is learning the hearts of men, so once a lesson is learned, there's not only a change and a growth and a next step, but there's no need, indeed perhaps a positive wish to not relearn it.

So INFJs make progress out of break ups in some kind of way that other types just do as healing...??

Or something?

Bravo! Have you been abstractly musing aloud or do we interest you...
or both? :devil:

Oh noes!111!!! Prepare to be bombarded with madd INFJ huggles, rays of sunshine, and CareBear stares as a result of your recent excavations!

care_bear_stare.jpg
 
Top