[INFJ] INFJ: the one that got away?

[SillySapienne]

Am I the only one who sees this as a fundamental male/female relationship issue?!?!?

Penelope's recent post furthers my suspicions that it in fact is...

http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/470392-post31.html

Many guys, especially younger ones have issues with commitment.

As a woman, I don't view spending the rest of my life with a man I love as even being remotely scary, quite the contrary, actually I would view such a life as being a blessing.

YouTube - Joni Mitchell Big Yellow Taxi

 

[Kestrel]

Yeah, this has been the motif of my relationship life. (I'm sure this must happen to other types, but I suspect INFJ may be particularly vulnerable to this.) I always put it down to that I can fall in love very quickly and stay there and I show it. A case of 'just knowing'. I think that can be frightening for the other person, sometimes they flinch. But they're still so attracted to you... weirdness ensues. Every guy that has done that has written me some tortured letter or told me I am the biggest regret of his life after the fact. Which theoretically I should find very touching but I just don't feel for them anymore. I don't have respect for them anymore.

Heh, yeah. I have freaked people out with my intensity. It's like when they realize you might be "for real" when you say the "L" word, they do flinch.

I've also gotten the "I don't deserve you" line more than once. It always seems to be the beginning of the end. It seems to signal the end of the relationship before it even begins. I'm not sure if other INFJs can relate. It bugs the hell out of me.

 

[penelope]

The ability to know people in conversation suddenly feels arbitrary and limited. And the reality I infer is no longer reliable.

That definitely goes both ways. I was in a thing with an ENFP and that, I think, in part ended up killing whatever was unfolding.

 

[disregard]

A sense of pride isn't my point. I wonder if this is a discussion that could really only be limited to other INFJ. I don't feel that anyone else is understanding what I'm getting at.

This was initiated by a conversation I had recently with a guy I dated a few years ago, who apologized for our relationship ending, saying he realized later on that he had made a mistake and regretted our separation.

It humored me that he was one of several guys who had said this to me, and it got me thinking that this could be an INFJ thing. Our personalities don't shine or glitter or attract attention from another side of a room. We don't advertise our depth or our capabilities.

In my case, the guys that have had an opportunity with me, and the attraction was mutual, it was because they had gotten to know me and found something worth getting closer to... perhaps because I made them feel comfortable, liked, understood, etc. But, in nearly every one of these cases, they were distracted by another girl, who was shiny and glittery and demanded their attention and ultimately, only kept their attention to occupy herself and for her vanity. Other cases could be blamed on the guy being young. I'm sure they sensed a necessity of commitment when it came to a relationship with me. I am not the flighty type. I don't easily allow my heart to wrap itself around something I don't intend to keep around for more than a few months. Anyhow, this probably caused them to seek elsewhere, and then later have a change of heart in what they desire and realize all along that I could've provided that.

Yes, that sort of thing likely happens to everyone at some point. My argument is that this probably happens to INFJs much more frequently, due to our personalities.

(I was working on writing more, but got pretty distracted and lost my train of thought).

So... you are deep and everyone else your past lovers have dated were only shallow users?

Sounds like you are using MBTI to reinforce your elitist view of yourself.

 

[BlueScreen]

noigmn: Friends from childhood are like family to me, ofc if they have fun with me but especially if they care to listen to me when im feeling down. Deep down INFJ's are ESTP's, experience is everything.

We're friends since about age 20. No other real social group connection these days except each other. I actually like someone else, but have the ENFP problem of never killing the "what ifs", and as the OP said, it is one I feel I would regret walking past if it is there. Another thing I would note is that she has had no relationship with anyone else that I know of for years. Or maybe didn't mention it. Quite unusual for someone who is so socially flirty.

 

[penelope]

So... you are deep and everyone else your past lovers have dated were only shallow users?

Sounds like you are using MBTI to reinforce your elitist view of yourself.

Ouch. No, not my point at all or my intention.

Without all the wordiness, all I'm saying is that the INFJ personality attracts some guys at first, then scares them, and then they later realize that they found something when it's too late.

 

[violaine]

I've got a few questions about something that has been on my mind for ages..

Does close friendship wander into love with INFJs? Or are they more separate for an INFJ than ENFP? I've known this INFJ for years, asked her out early, to a pretty straight out no. But since things have always seemed close. There are moments occasionally where we seemed destined, then drift apart again. She was thinking of moving when I went interstate. Wanted me to travel with her. The thing is I've had long enough to sort my thoughts on it and come to terms with it, and have no problem with just friends, except in the case that she really likes me. Sometimes it feels like it, sometimes I feel like I'm not even there.

hmm well I would say it can. (I can't speak for her as I don't know what is going on in her life.)

But to be frank, if a relationship or the interest/prospect of having a relationship doesn't happen very soon for me I tend not to wait around and will then just naturally be involved with something or someone else after a time. On and off has never worked out for me and there are usually good reasons why. Unless it is near impossible I usually give my relationships every chance, I can do no less with the people who really capture my heart - which means rearranging my life for them. Though, lately I am less inclined to uproot everything for someone. I prob still would just not as unthinkingly. (I add this because she may have already done similar for someone, or may be concentrating on her career etc, or just because you have both known each other for a while, you don't have the momentum of a new relationship).

I personally haven't been to a point where a close friendship has evolved into that... is she single? If she isn't I wouldn't be waiting around. Can you honestly not deduce her real feelings... are your feelings for her clouding your judgement about it? (I know sometimes people are just ambivalent and impossible to read.)

Anyway, I am just letting you know how I've been in relationships. I really don't want to squash an amazing, enduring connection you two may have. I would say if you want something to happen you will have to shake it up a bit. Drifting into things after so long while at a distance wouldn't be likely.

 

[disregard]

penelope: But why attribute it to type? Where is the tie to the cognitive functions?

People always pervert typology with these leaps.. they turn it into something like astrology!

 

[lorkan]

noigmn: I don't know exactly how it would look like now. Although people (including me) often don't know what's good for them. Something good happens every now and then and I fail to act, giving advises and being just informative is the way to make INFJ to make a smart decision cause its probably lack of info that we act stupid. INFJ's don't have lack of judgement (methinks) and we don't need another J to straighten us out, just more facts (FI-facts in this case).

But sometimes I felt they should have done some things more passionately and not just a 'get it over with'- attitude. It's stuff were there could be potential conflict, competetive stuff.

 

[BlueScreen]

hmm well I would say it can. (I can't speak for her as I don't know what is going on in her life.)

But to be frank, if a relationship or the interest/prospect of having a relationship doesn't happen very soon for me I tend not to wait around and will then just naturally be involved with something or someone else after a time. On and off has never worked out for me and there are usually good reasons why. Unless it is near impossible I usually give my relationships every chance, I can do no less with the people who really capture my heart - which means rearranging my life for them. Though, lately I am less inclined to uproot everything for someone. I prob still would just not as unthinkingly. (I add this because she may have already done similar for someone, or may be concentrating on her career etc, or just because you have both known each other for a while, you don't have the momentum of a new relationship).

I personally haven't been to a point where a close friendship has evolved into that as yet... is she single? If she isn't I wouldn't be waiting around. Can you honestly not deduce her real feelings... are your feelings for her clouding your judgement about it? (I know some times people are just ambivalent and impossible to read.)

Anyway, I am just letting you know how I've been in relationships. I really don't want to squash an amazing, enduring connection you two may have. I would say if you want something to happen you will have to shake it up a bit. Drifting into things after so long while at a distance probably wouldn't be likely.

My past clouds my feelings on it. The fact that things didn't really eventuate initially meant I started feeling that what I was reading might not have been right. Recently though I may have dismissed really obvious signs for those reasons and self protection. It seems like she does quite like me. And there are moments when she wants to walk so close that it feels like more than friendship. But I am a step back from reciprocating. Like I'm always waiting for a sign that is more solid.

 

[proteanmix]

I'm not quite sure what to make of this thread.

It seems to me that some of the INFJs in this thread are noticing a consistent pattern that they're "passed up" for other options in relationships. My first inclination is to think if you partners are consistently doing this there maybe some kind of misattribution going on here. Consistently being the one that got away? That doesn't make sense. Could it be some of the INFJs who have this problem are expressing some something that is scaring people off?

I'm also not seeing how this is type specific.

 

[penelope]

Ack. Well, nevermind then. Maybe I'm not getting the suggestion across clearly enough.

 

[BlueScreen]

noigmn: I don't know exactly how it would look like now. Although people (including me) often don't know what's good for them. Something good happens every now and then and I fail to act, giving advises and being just informative is the way to make INFJ to make a smart decision cause its probably lack of info that we act stupid. INFJ's don't have lack of judgement (methinks) and we don't need another J to straighten us out, just more facts (FI-facts in this case).

But sometimes I felt they should have done some things more passionately and not just a 'get it over with'- attitude. It's stuff were there could be potential conflict, competetive stuff.

You are right. Your judgment and clarity of thought on things is great. I use my mum for it a lot.

 

[Domino]

This isn't exclusive to one type.

I've heard it. My sister's heard it. And it was extremely agitating.

Drama.

 

[violaine]

Ack. Well, nevermind then. Maybe I'm not getting the suggestion across clearly enough.

No no no I totally get it. Glad you bought it up actually. INFJ never usually put themselves out there like that.

There is a strange quality to it - it is definite connection, seeing each other, knowing it's real and then a vanishing.... then the remorse.

That may happen for others too but I think an INFJ reaction to it is very interesting as well and worth talking about. It didn't really need any more explanation that you gave it.

 

[Synarch]

But this has happened to male INFJ's, too, correct? I do have to say that whenever I have broken up with someone they have tried to express regret and a desire to resume. I think this is just a reaction from the trauma of a relationship dying. You miss the good things and overlook the bad things about the dead relationship. Maybe it is just something that happens, but does not seem significant to some people whereas it may seem significant to others. I don't know.

 

[lorkan]

proteanmix: I think some INFJ's could have a problem showing different sides of themselves because they don't want to scare people of and that each side are so drastically different from the other that it doesnt make sence to some people.
Some INFJ-musicians can start to act like a pilot technician and some INFJ-kindergardenteachers can start to act like a brutal spartanwarrior. Because the feel like it.

 

[violaine]

My past clouds my feelings on it. The fact that things didn't really eventuate initially meant I started feeling that what I was reading might not have been right. Recently though I may have dismissed really obvious signs for those reasons and self protection. It seems like she does quite like me. And there are moments when she wants to walk so close that it feels like more than friendship. But I am a step back from reciprocating. Like I'm always waiting for a sign that is more solid.

hmm with respect, you are prob not going to get a solid sign after all of this time... so you might be doomed to dance around each other unless you do something definite? Do you think you could or would?

I'm not quite sure what to make of this thread.

It seems to me that some of the INFJs in this thread are noticing a consistent pattern that they're "passed up" for other options in relationships. My first inclination is to think if you partners are consistently doing this there maybe some kind of misattribution going on here. Consistently being the one that got away? That doesn't make sense. Could it be some of the INFJs who have this problem are expressing some something that is scaring people off?

I'm also not seeing how this is type specific.

hmm well I wouldn't say passed up for others. But I would say the person got what they wanted and it frightened the life out of them I have learned to modulate - not that I think I'm super intense, I am not clingy, but I am serious and devoted to them.

Also, I have learned to view all of this as a valuable sorting process and not to fall in love with potential so much or what I know I can bring to a relationship, but to consider the person's ability to reciprocate. I wouldn't have done that without these experiences.

 

[Kestrel]

I don't know why this thread is spinning toward a "female INFJ only" premise. I can relate to what the other INFJs in this thread are saying, despite the gender difference.

I only seem to approach a relationship in terms of "long-term" potential. If it's not there, I'll drop it like a sack of bricks. I guess that breaks from the stereotype of males "not looking to commit", but it's always how I approached things.

I believe relationships can evolve beyond the "honeymoon phase" - where everything is fun, new, and exciting. I think it's about getting to know the other person on a truly deeper level. Living, changing, and growing together.

How people can truly use "people grow apart" as a valid excuse for why things don't work out will always perplex me.

 

[proteanmix]

proteanmix: I think some INFJ's could have a problem showing different sides of themselves because they don't want to scare people of and that each side are so drastically different from the other that it doesnt make sence to some people.
Some INFJ-musicians can start to act like a pilot technician and some INFJ-kindergardenteachers can start to act like a brutal spartanwarrior. Because the feel like it.

Yes, that makes sense and that's something I identify with as well. When revealing parts of yourself that aren't seen often and worrying about how receptive the other person will be I understand proceeding with caution. Especially if you've been burned before. I'm just trying to figure out how this is exclusive to INFJs. I think when you're out there on the scene nearly everyone can point to at least one relationship that went sour that could've been very special but didn't materialize. In retrospect you look back and realize that something great got away from you. But when it happens so many times it seems like the "it's not you, it's me" that people say when relationships end to soften the blow.