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  1. #81
    Sniffles
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    You're not alone lorkan, I keep kicking myself to this day over my shitty treatment for the one girl who ever loved me. I was only 16 at the time, and this was unusual territory for me. For one thing, I did have another girl on my mind - which complicated matters more. Plus she freaked me out when she seem obsessive about being with me all the time.

    I was fond of her, but not deeply in love with her. So I kinda panicked under the circumstances.

    I can only hope she's forgiven me for the way I acted.

  2. #82
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Good thread, Penelope! It certainly resonates with me. It's been a theme in my life as well.

    Sanveane said

    I have thought about what part I might play in this dynamic too. imo INFJ can be very accepting of others in a relationship, however they want to be is just fine by me. I can't bring myself to demand things that others don't want to give freely. I think unless the person you are with is very conscientious that can foster a certain kind of dynamic. There is such a thing as being too non-demanding. ...


    This is really good. For me, it's been that I don't want to have to set the limits on someone else's behavior. I want someone who can set his own limits. I want someone who has his own standards. If I keep having to set limits, it means to me that I have someone who has no limits -- he will do whatever he thinks he can get away with. I have been in "relationships" where I realized too late for my own sake that I was with someone who would just go till you stop them, and in one, I actually removed myself emotionally from it and let him think I didn't see while I watched him again and again delight in getting away with stuff, just to see how far he would go. About six months after I finally had seen enough and broke up with him, he called me and asked me out, and again, i went just out of curiousity, and I said what did you think would come of this? and he said he thought I'd get over it and we would go on as before. I was like, are you out of your mind?? but I realized if you don't speak up, they never know ... we're like Carson McCuller's Clock With No Hands sometimes. Impossible to read, and because we don't say anything, they think we don't see.

    On the other hand ...

    It's kind of like fishing -- you have to keep some tension in the line or it just all falls apart. And it's true, sometimes we're too passive, or appear to be, and our partner loses interest or loses respect for us, I think. Or, yeah, goes for someone more flashy, that's certainly happened to me. Again, if I have to be flashy to get your attention, I don't want it.

    But yeah, they always come back. Or they write after a couple of years and say they wished they'd done better or they wished they'd known what they had.

  3. #83
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tiltyred View Post
    Or, yeah, goes for someone more flashy, that's certainly happened to me. Again, if I have to be flashy to get your attention, I don't want it.
    I relate to this too.

  4. #84
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    My ENFP sister's INFJ bf walked out on her. And I spent 2 1/2 years wanting to wring his neck every time I heard my sister crying. I have zero understanding for jackasses, particularly badly-behaved INFJs because I know what they're thinking and I know "where they live".

    INFJs, on the whole, are lovely people. But I hate them with perhaps 20 times more contempt than other types when they're out for themselves. They're the worst kind of mercenaries because you can't punch Jesus in the arm, now can you. NO.

    Having said that, I wish for my sister to marry Marty McFly. Having an INFJ BIL would rock my socks.

    And from what I hear from my INFP friends, they get ditched for "whiz bang" a lot too.

    Bottom line: If he/she wants to leave, they'll leave. You're mysterious/too opaque. You're smart/too bookish. You're tall/an Amazon. You smell like lavender sugar kittens rolled in sexy/stop trying to control me!!one!1!!1one!!1
    aww...pink i got mad love for you girl! you are so funny!
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  5. #85
    Senior Member quietmusician's Avatar
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    I recently got asked out by an INFJ girl, then I turned her down (we talk online). I am in no position for a real relationship right now because of my 'me' issues. I am flattered, but the thought of committing when my heart isn't in it 100%? I don't think that would be fair for her. I'd rather her not experience the pain of me not fitting her needs in some way. I just couldn't do that to someone, especially a possible partner. So, I still regret the fact that I turned her down. For the past few weeks I have been thinking about what she was offering me and I guess I blew it. In the end I know what's best for the both of us. And yes I see her as the one who got away.

  6. #86
    violaine
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tiltyred View Post
    This is really good. For me, it's been that I don't want to have to set the limits on someone else's behavior. I want someone who can set his own limits. I want someone who has his own standards. If I keep having to set limits, it means to me that I have someone who has no limits -- he will do whatever he thinks he can get away with.
    Exactly! I refuse to expend energy 'parenting' someone.... I shouldn't have to teach a person how to treat another person well. Lol, I particularly hate when people mistake kindness for weakness. It's really hard for me to respect someone like that. Plus there are too many other things in life to be interested in to have to keep stopping to check in on your partner. That's not to say I cut and run. I do let someone know what I need but if they keep acting like they need me to 'police' them I will tend to want out.

  7. #87

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    I can relate to so much in this thread from the INFJs I hardly know where to start, so I'll include snippets from my life that seem pertinent.

    I once had a guy (who was infatuated with me for YEARS) tattoo my initials on his arm in the hope that I'd date/marry him. Thankfully, his brother later told me that he had a cover-up done. (Whew.)

    I had another guy obsessed with me break into my house while I was at school (and my little brother was home sick) so he could rummage for souvenirs in my underwear drawer. (:sigh: ) My brother called the police who then stormed the house and yelled at him to freeze before they figured out he wasn't the burglar. (They never did catch the punk because my brother only saw the back of his head as he bolted down the street.) My father had all the locks changed and was a paranoid mess for awhile. My little brother still tells that story.

    I've been contacted more than once, up to years later, by men from my past professing regret, love, and remorse via e-mail, telephone, or letter. The first time it happened, I felt a great deal of empathy and compassion for them. The second and third time it happened, I was in shock. The few times after that just left me confused and angry, and trying to connect the dots between my behavior in the relationship to its failure to their years-long regret. (I'm actually glad to know this is not a "me" trend, so much as a type trend.)

    I've gotten several lines on repeat: "You're the best I ever had." "You're too good for me." "Losing you was the biggest mistake I ever made." "I'll never find anyone else like you." or "I never told you, but I was in love with you for the longest time." Etc. etc. I'm not sure how I feel about all that other than sad for them because it seemed sincere, but did not change my feelings.
    I think it has been said many times before, but I'll say it again for emphasis --once an INFJ has decided they are done with you, you have entered a void from which there is virtually no chance of return. I think other types, particularly the ExxPs we gravitate towards do not relate to or comprehend the finality of this proclamation until the moment of truth has passed. (Rabbit trail: Perhaps our ability to yank up the drawbridge permanently comes as a surprise to others because of our ability to give so much for so long before retracting that they don't think we're capable? I'm not sure about this. Another possibility is that we vaporize bridges rather than carpet bomb them, so without the flash and whizz bang! that E types are capable of, the process isn't recognized or respected?)

    While I think romantic/tragic circumstances can occur to anyone, I'd say that it's arguable INFJs are the epitomal "one that got away." I also think that INFPs often go unappreciated as well. I also think that the exhilaration of dating ENFx types can produce the same euphoria then subsequent regret if it fails.

    As for Kestrel's remark, in general I think ALL INFJs are "too much, too fast" for every other type --most of 'em just end up loving the rollercoaster anyway, even if it turns out they're not big enough to ride yet. For good or ill, we dominate the "relationship intensity" department, if there is such a one. This can result in a variety of reactions from others ranging from thrilling to terrifying to unfathomable, the latter explaining some of the confusion and incredulity from other types in this thread.
    "The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things." - Rainer Maria Rilke

  8. #88
    Once Was Synarch's Avatar
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    Some of the above sounds like a failure to maintain boundaries; to be too welcoming to potentially unhealthy individuals. I have noticed that INFJ sometimes find it difficult to cut out completely anyone they sympathize with, even if it is best for both parties and if the other party is a net negative influence.
    "Create like a god, command like a king, work like a slave."

  9. #89
    Senior Member Kestrel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iwakar View Post
    (Rabbit trail: Perhaps our ability to yank up the drawbridge permanently comes as a surprise to others because of our ability to give so much for so long before retracting that they don't think we're capable? I'm not sure about this. Another possibility is that we vaporize bridges rather than carpet bomb them, so without the flash and whizz bang! that E types are capable of, the process isn't recognized or respected?)
    I'm not sure if this has been emphasized yet. But this is a really excruciating process. I really *wish* I could just casually raise the drawbridge. Like if there was a magic "I don't care about the other person anymore" button, I think most INFJs would totally press it. But it's not that easy. It takes a while to get to the point of being completely done with someone else. I think because it's such a slow and painful process, that the chances of it repeating itself becomes close to zero.

    Quote Originally Posted by sanveane
    Exactly! I refuse to expend energy 'parenting' someone.... I shouldn't have to teach a person how to treat another person well. Lol, I particularly hate when people mistake kindness for weakness. It's really hard for me to respect someone like that. Plus there are too many other things in life to be interested in to have to keep stopping to check in on your partner. That's not to say I cut and run. I do let someone know what I need but if they keep acting like they need me to 'police' them I will tend to want out.
    This gets on my nerves too. When I get the sense that someone is doing this, the "flow of kindness" slows down to a trickle. It feels like the other person stops seeing my intentions and ultimately stops seeing me at all. In order to be appreciated, I need the other person to see that I don't do things for reasons like guilt, obligation, fear.. but because I actually, authentically like giving. How hard is this to understand?
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    A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. -Winston Churchill

  10. #90
    Senior Member penelope's Avatar
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    Hooray INFJs! I'm so glad you guys are coming around. It really further proves that only INFJs get other INFJs... whew.

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