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  1. #41
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    Am I the only one who sees this as a fundamental male/female relationship issue?!?!?

    Penelope's recent post furthers my suspicions that it in fact is...

    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...92-post31.html

    Many guys, especially younger ones have issues with commitment.

    As a woman, I don't view spending the rest of my life with a man I love as even being remotely scary, quite the contrary, actually I would view such a life as being a blessing.

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    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

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  2. #42
    Senior Member Kestrel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sanveane View Post
    Yeah, this has been the motif of my relationship life. (I'm sure this must happen to other types, but I suspect INFJ may be particularly vulnerable to this.) I always put it down to that I can fall in love very quickly and stay there and I show it. A case of 'just knowing'. I think that can be frightening for the other person, sometimes they flinch. But they're still so attracted to you... weirdness ensues. Every guy that has done that has written me some tortured letter or told me I am the biggest regret of his life after the fact. Which theoretically I should find very touching but I just don't feel for them anymore. I don't have respect for them anymore.
    Heh, yeah. I have freaked people out with my intensity. It's like when they realize you might be "for real" when you say the "L" word, they do flinch.

    I've also gotten the "I don't deserve you" line more than once. It always seems to be the beginning of the end. It seems to signal the end of the relationship before it even begins. I'm not sure if other INFJs can relate. It bugs the hell out of me.
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  3. #43
    Senior Member penelope's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by noigmn View Post
    The ability to know people in conversation suddenly feels arbitrary and limited. And the reality I infer is no longer reliable.
    That definitely goes both ways. I was in a thing with an ENFP and that, I think, in part ended up killing whatever was unfolding.

  4. #44
    mrs disregard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by penelope View Post
    A sense of pride isn't my point. I wonder if this is a discussion that could really only be limited to other INFJ. I don't feel that anyone else is understanding what I'm getting at.

    This was initiated by a conversation I had recently with a guy I dated a few years ago, who apologized for our relationship ending, saying he realized later on that he had made a mistake and regretted our separation.

    It humored me that he was one of several guys who had said this to me, and it got me thinking that this could be an INFJ thing. Our personalities don't shine or glitter or attract attention from another side of a room. We don't advertise our depth or our capabilities.

    In my case, the guys that have had an opportunity with me, and the attraction was mutual, it was because they had gotten to know me and found something worth getting closer to... perhaps because I made them feel comfortable, liked, understood, etc. But, in nearly every one of these cases, they were distracted by another girl, who was shiny and glittery and demanded their attention and ultimately, only kept their attention to occupy herself and for her vanity. Other cases could be blamed on the guy being young. I'm sure they sensed a necessity of commitment when it came to a relationship with me. I am not the flighty type. I don't easily allow my heart to wrap itself around something I don't intend to keep around for more than a few months. Anyhow, this probably caused them to seek elsewhere, and then later have a change of heart in what they desire and realize all along that I could've provided that.

    Yes, that sort of thing likely happens to everyone at some point. My argument is that this probably happens to INFJs much more frequently, due to our personalities.

    (I was working on writing more, but got pretty distracted and lost my train of thought).
    So... you are deep and everyone else your past lovers have dated were only shallow users?

    Sounds like you are using MBTI to reinforce your elitist view of yourself.

  5. #45

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    Quote Originally Posted by lorkan View Post
    noigmn: Friends from childhood are like family to me, ofc if they have fun with me but especially if they care to listen to me when im feeling down. Deep down INFJ's are ESTP's, experience is everything.
    We're friends since about age 20. No other real social group connection these days except each other. I actually like someone else, but have the ENFP problem of never killing the "what ifs", and as the OP said, it is one I feel I would regret walking past if it is there. Another thing I would note is that she has had no relationship with anyone else that I know of for years. Or maybe didn't mention it. Quite unusual for someone who is so socially flirty.
    Freude, schöner Götterfunken Tochter aus Elysium, Wir betreten feuertrunken, Himmlische, dein Heiligtum! Deine Zauber binden wieder Was die Mode streng geteilt; Alle Menschen werden Brüder, Wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt.

  6. #46
    Senior Member penelope's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by disregard View Post
    So... you are deep and everyone else your past lovers have dated were only shallow users?

    Sounds like you are using MBTI to reinforce your elitist view of yourself.
    Ouch. No, not my point at all or my intention.

    Without all the wordiness, all I'm saying is that the INFJ personality attracts some guys at first, then scares them, and then they later realize that they found something when it's too late.

  7. #47
    violaine
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    Quote Originally Posted by noigmn View Post
    I've got a few questions about something that has been on my mind for ages..

    Does close friendship wander into love with INFJs? Or are they more separate for an INFJ than ENFP? I've known this INFJ for years, asked her out early, to a pretty straight out no. But since things have always seemed close. There are moments occasionally where we seemed destined, then drift apart again. She was thinking of moving when I went interstate. Wanted me to travel with her. The thing is I've had long enough to sort my thoughts on it and come to terms with it, and have no problem with just friends, except in the case that she really likes me. Sometimes it feels like it, sometimes I feel like I'm not even there.
    hmm well I would say it can. (I can't speak for her as I don't know what is going on in her life.)

    But to be frank, if a relationship or the interest/prospect of having a relationship doesn't happen very soon for me I tend not to wait around and will then just naturally be involved with something or someone else after a time. On and off has never worked out for me and there are usually good reasons why. Unless it is near impossible I usually give my relationships every chance, I can do no less with the people who really capture my heart - which means rearranging my life for them. Though, lately I am less inclined to uproot everything for someone. I prob still would just not as unthinkingly. (I add this because she may have already done similar for someone, or may be concentrating on her career etc, or just because you have both known each other for a while, you don't have the momentum of a new relationship).

    I personally haven't been to a point where a close friendship has evolved into that... is she single? If she isn't I wouldn't be waiting around. Can you honestly not deduce her real feelings... are your feelings for her clouding your judgement about it? (I know sometimes people are just ambivalent and impossible to read.)

    Anyway, I am just letting you know how I've been in relationships. I really don't want to squash an amazing, enduring connection you two may have. I would say if you want something to happen you will have to shake it up a bit. Drifting into things after so long while at a distance wouldn't be likely.

  8. #48
    mrs disregard's Avatar
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    penelope: But why attribute it to type? Where is the tie to the cognitive functions?

    People always pervert typology with these leaps.. they turn it into something like astrology!

  9. #49
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    noigmn: I don't know exactly how it would look like now. Although people (including me) often don't know what's good for them. Something good happens every now and then and I fail to act, giving advises and being just informative is the way to make INFJ to make a smart decision cause its probably lack of info that we act stupid. INFJ's don't have lack of judgement (methinks) and we don't need another J to straighten us out, just more facts (FI-facts in this case).

    But sometimes I felt they should have done some things more passionately and not just a 'get it over with'- attitude. It's stuff were there could be potential conflict, competetive stuff.

  10. #50

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    Quote Originally Posted by sanveane View Post
    hmm well I would say it can. (I can't speak for her as I don't know what is going on in her life.)

    But to be frank, if a relationship or the interest/prospect of having a relationship doesn't happen very soon for me I tend not to wait around and will then just naturally be involved with something or someone else after a time. On and off has never worked out for me and there are usually good reasons why. Unless it is near impossible I usually give my relationships every chance, I can do no less with the people who really capture my heart - which means rearranging my life for them. Though, lately I am less inclined to uproot everything for someone. I prob still would just not as unthinkingly. (I add this because she may have already done similar for someone, or may be concentrating on her career etc, or just because you have both known each other for a while, you don't have the momentum of a new relationship).

    I personally haven't been to a point where a close friendship has evolved into that as yet... is she single? If she isn't I wouldn't be waiting around. Can you honestly not deduce her real feelings... are your feelings for her clouding your judgement about it? (I know some times people are just ambivalent and impossible to read.)

    Anyway, I am just letting you know how I've been in relationships. I really don't want to squash an amazing, enduring connection you two may have. I would say if you want something to happen you will have to shake it up a bit. Drifting into things after so long while at a distance probably wouldn't be likely.
    My past clouds my feelings on it. The fact that things didn't really eventuate initially meant I started feeling that what I was reading might not have been right. Recently though I may have dismissed really obvious signs for those reasons and self protection. It seems like she does quite like me. And there are moments when she wants to walk so close that it feels like more than friendship. But I am a step back from reciprocating. Like I'm always waiting for a sign that is more solid.
    Freude, schöner Götterfunken Tochter aus Elysium, Wir betreten feuertrunken, Himmlische, dein Heiligtum! Deine Zauber binden wieder Was die Mode streng geteilt; Alle Menschen werden Brüder, Wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt.

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