User Tag List

First 2345614 Last

Results 31 to 40 of 165

  1. #31
    Senior Member penelope's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    MBTI
    INxJ
    Posts
    249

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by noigmn View Post
    It is unusual, because I have let one get away. Not for any of these reasons though. I find that maturity also equates to accepting love in more than one form, and opening up to the possibilities. Sometimes to be so decisive, is to not give love the chance to grow. To be there for the other, but offer no level of connection that can satisfy them. Me being a 4w5 ENFP is part of the problem, but talking to older INFJs, there is a misplaced definiteness about the world that is the younger INFJs strength, and undoing. To be right too often is to miss the alternatives. You have a clear answer there about how something is, so why look for reasons to disprove it? I shouldn't say it, but it is like seeing the world from a million of your own perspectives, when to see it from one other's can complete the puzzle. You can't really make the statement about 4-5 guys letting you get away, without considering why. (on a more human level than I was loving and easy, so they got bored).

    Every situation has more than one side. If 4-5 guys let me go and regretted it, I would normally consider there is a pattern there. ie. guys who like you for some reason are driven to let you go. Or walk past it. In the real world no one leaves love because it is too easy. They leave it because they don't have an appreciation of it. Not because it is too easy, but because it has glossed over them. It hasn't grabbed their soul. You can say it was the other's naivity. But really that is just excusing your duty and part in it. Nothing is ever the other person's responsibility. They are human's with liberty and lives of their own. If you never enter into their world or intersect its course, it has no reason to merge with yours. It just travels along with you, and passes you. Some complements and niceties are thrown between the two worlds, but they stay separate. The 4-5 who left saw something good in it after. I'd ask why didn't they see it at the time? There was obviously some kind of misunderstanding, because if two people really liked eachother, something deeper should form. And I'd wonder to myself, if I did like any of them, how I could avoid it happening another time. And ask whether I am the one who got away, or the one who missed the chances? I see no reason for pride in it.
    A sense of pride isn't my point. I wonder if this is a discussion that could really only be limited to other INFJ. I don't feel that anyone else is understanding what I'm getting at.

    This was initiated by a conversation I had recently with a guy I dated a few years ago, who apologized for our relationship ending, saying he realized later on that he had made a mistake and regretted our separation.

    It humored me that he was one of several guys who had said this to me, and it got me thinking that this could be an INFJ thing. Our personalities don't shine or glitter or attract attention from another side of a room. We don't advertise our depth or our capabilities.

    In my case, the guys that have had an opportunity with me, and the attraction was mutual, it was because they had gotten to know me and found something worth getting closer to... perhaps because I made them feel comfortable, liked, understood, etc. But, in nearly every one of these cases, they were distracted by another girl, who was shiny and glittery and demanded their attention and ultimately, only kept their attention to occupy herself and for her vanity. Other cases could be blamed on the guy being young. I'm sure they sensed a necessity of commitment when it came to a relationship with me. I am not the flighty type. I don't easily allow my heart to wrap itself around something I don't intend to keep around for more than a few months. Anyhow, this probably caused them to seek elsewhere, and then later have a change of heart in what they desire and realize all along that I could've provided that.

    Yes, that sort of thing likely happens to everyone at some point. My argument is that this probably happens to INFJs much more frequently, due to our personalities.

    (I was working on writing more, but got pretty distracted and lost my train of thought).

  2. #32
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    9w1 sx/so
    Posts
    18,086

    Default

    if so that's really interesting and totally unfortunate...or maybe not...maybe you don't want someone who's easily distracted anyway.

    eta: realized that was a pointless post...sorry.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  3. #33
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    4 sx/sp
    Socionics
    EII
    Posts
    3,067

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by penelope View Post
    I wonder if this is a discussion that could really only be limited to other INFJ. I don't feel that anyone else is understanding
    Ditto.

  4. #34

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by sanveane View Post
    That being said, I have no problem letting someone in if we are compatible. That is the key. I don't think I have to just let anyone in and I never would.
    I've got a few questions about something that has been on my mind for ages..

    Does close friendship wander into love with INFJs? Or are they more separate for an INFJ than ENFP? I've known this INFJ for years, asked her out early, to a pretty straight out no. But since things have always seemed close. There are moments occasionally where we seemed destined, then drift apart again. She was thinking of moving when I went interstate. Wanted me to travel with her. The thing is I've had long enough to sort my thoughts on it and come to terms with it, and have no problem with just friends, except in the case that she really likes me. Sometimes it feels like it, sometimes I feel like I'm not even there.
    Freude, schöner Götterfunken Tochter aus Elysium, Wir betreten feuertrunken, Himmlische, dein Heiligtum! Deine Zauber binden wieder Was die Mode streng geteilt; Alle Menschen werden Brüder, Wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt.

  5. #35
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    260

    Default

    CC: I was making a point, and may have made it unnecessarily hard. If you get offended by any stereotyping, im sorry for it.

    noigmn: It actually has happend 2 times that I've got ENFP' hope up and then failed to sustain intensity because of both lack of energy and scariness of feeling like
    "this is it...?". Like a standard has been set and my gf expects something to be delivered and I start feeling like an ISFP, want to be more unpredictable with no desire to live up to expectations and still make her happy.
    Bottomline. I still have to mature myself.

  6. #36

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by penelope View Post
    A sense of pride isn't my point. I wonder if this is a discussion that could really only be limited to other INFJ. I don't feel that anyone else is understanding what I'm getting at.

    This was initiated by a conversation I had recently with a guy I dated a few years ago, who apologized for our relationship ending, saying he realized later on that he had made a mistake and regretted our separation.

    It humored me that he was one of several guys who had said this to me, and it got me thinking that this could be an INFJ thing. Our personalities don't shine or glitter or attract attention from another side of a room. We don't advertise our depth or our capabilities.

    In my case, the guys that have had an opportunity with me, and the attraction was mutual, it was because they had gotten to know me and found something worth getting closer to... perhaps because I made them feel comfortable, liked, understood, etc. But, in nearly every one of these cases, they were distracted by another girl, who was shiny and glittery and demanded their attention and ultimately, only kept their attention to occupy herself and for her vanity. Other cases could be blamed on the guy being young. I'm sure they sensed a necessity of commitment when it came to a relationship with me. I am not the flighty type. I don't easily allow my heart to wrap itself around something I don't intend to keep around for more than a few months. Anyhow, this probably caused them to seek elsewhere, and then later have a change of heart in what they desire and realize all along that I could've provided that.

    Yes, that sort of thing likely happens to everyone at some point. My argument is that this probably happens to INFJs much more frequently, due to our personalities.

    (I was working on writing more, but got pretty distracted and lost my train of thought).
    Actually I get exactly where you are coming from and have been that guy myself. Not sure I want to keep doing it though.

    I oscillate between extreme respect for INFJs and wondering if my world would be easier without their existence. Because by offering an alternative, that I can't truly see, the perception I am comfortable with is flawed. The ability to know people in conversation suddenly feels arbitrary and limited. And the reality I infer is no longer reliable.
    Freude, schöner Götterfunken Tochter aus Elysium, Wir betreten feuertrunken, Himmlische, dein Heiligtum! Deine Zauber binden wieder Was die Mode streng geteilt; Alle Menschen werden Brüder, Wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt.

  7. #37
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    9,849

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by sanveane View Post
    Yeah, this has been the motif of my relationship life. (I'm sure this must happen to other types, but I suspect INFJ may be particularly vulnerable to this.) I always put it down to that I can fall in love very quickly and stay there and I show it. A case of 'just knowing'. I think that can be frightening for the other person, sometimes they flinch. But they're still so attracted to you... weirdness ensues. Every guy that has done that has written me some tortured letter or told me I am the biggest regret of his life after the fact. Which theoretically I should find very touching but I just don't feel for them anymore. I don't have respect for them anymore.
    Hmm, I can relate to this.

    For some reason I was never taught nor ever cared to learn or play the "game of love".

    When I like someone, I tell and show them that I like them, when I am in love with someone, I let that love known.

    My IsFP sister was blessed with a talent that I was not, she has an impeccable way with men, she understands their nature well, and she "plays" with them to ultimately get what she wants from them, including their love and appreciation. She always makes fun of me for having *zero* game, and she is right, I don't.

    sanveane, I, like you, have the habit of rapidly falling for guys and self-assuredly knowing when I am in love that I am actually in love.

    When I feel deeply for someone I view that as such a special thing, something that should be expressed and rejoiced in, not ignored or denied.

    I have thought about what part I might play in this dynamic too.

    There is such a thing as being too non-demanding.
    Grrrr, :blushing:, yeah there is.

    (The things I have put up with in the past... )

    It was and has been a hard awakening for me to come to the realization that love alone, is not enough, and that my love, no matter how deep, cannot single-handedly carry a relationship.

    I have slowed down in terms of starting relationships and it has helped. It is not as much fun of course but it's the only way I could avoid becoming jaded and a great way to weed out the ambivalent style men.
    Yep...

    And, boo!!!

    My heart sometimes does not like what's smart, if that makes sense.

    Quote Originally Posted by noigmn View Post
    It is unusual, because I have let one get away. Not for any of these reasons though. I find that maturity also equates to accepting love in more than one form, and opening up to the possibilities. Sometimes to be so decisive, is to not give love the chance to grow. To be there for the other, but offer no level of connection that can satisfy them. Me being a 4w5 ENFP is part of the problem, but talking to older INFJs, there is a misplaced definiteness about the world that is the younger INFJs strength, and undoing. To be right too often is to miss the alternatives. You have a clear answer there about how something is, so why look for reasons to disprove it? I shouldn't say it, but it is like seeing the world from a million of your own perspectives, when to see it from one other's can complete the puzzle. You can't really make the statement about 4-5 guys letting you get away, without considering why. (on a more human level than I was loving and easy, so they got bored).

    Every situation has more than one side. If 4-5 guys let me go and regretted it, I would normally consider there is a pattern there. ie. guys who like you for some reason are driven to let you go. Or walk past it. In the real world no one leaves love because it is too easy. They leave it because they don't have an appreciation of it. Not because it is too easy, but because it has glossed over them. It hasn't grabbed their soul. You can say it was the other's naivity. But really that is just excusing your duty and part in it. Nothing is ever the other person's responsibility. They are human's with liberty and lives of their own. If you never enter into their world or intersect its course, it has no reason to merge with yours. It just travels along with you, and passes you. Some complements and niceties are thrown between the two worlds, but they stay separate. The 4-5 who left saw something good in it after. I'd ask why didn't they see it at the time? There was obviously some kind of misunderstanding, because if two people really liked eachother, something deeper should form. And I'd wonder to myself, if I did like any of them, how I could avoid it happening another time. And ask whether I am the one who got away, or the one who missed the chances? I see no reason for pride in it.
    Excellent post, noigman, you make this ENFP proud!!!

    I agree that we are all responsible for our roles in our relationships.

    Whenever I think about all the horrible things I have at times went through in my past relationships, I cannot help but to acknowledge the ways in which I contributed to *allowing* these horrible things to occur.

    You can only hurt me and treat me poorly if I *let* you do so.

    It always takes two.
    `
    'Cause you can't handle me...

    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

    Veritatem dies aperit

    Ride si sapis

    Intelligentle sparkles

  8. #38

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by lorkan View Post
    CC: I was making a point, and may have made it unnecessarily hard. If you get offended by any stereotyping, im sorry for it.

    noigmn: It actually has happend 2 times that I've got ENFP' hope up and then failed to sustain intensity because of both lack of energy and scariness of feeling like
    "this is it...?". Like a standard has been set and my gf expects something to be delivered and I start feeling like an ISFP, want to be more unpredictable with no desire to live up to expectations and still make her happy.
    Bottomline. I still have to mature myself.
    Don't worry my maturity sucks also. I think we never stop growing up.

    It's interesting to see from the other side. What is it you want in these situations? Like if it played out perfectly what would happen instead?
    Freude, schöner Götterfunken Tochter aus Elysium, Wir betreten feuertrunken, Himmlische, dein Heiligtum! Deine Zauber binden wieder Was die Mode streng geteilt; Alle Menschen werden Brüder, Wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt.

  9. #39
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    260

    Default

    noigmn: Friends from childhood are like family to me, ofc if they have fun with me but especially if they care to listen to me when im feeling down. Deep down INFJ's are ESTP's, experience is everything.

  10. #40
    Senior Member penelope's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    MBTI
    INxJ
    Posts
    249

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by noigmn View Post
    I've got a few questions about something that has been on my mind for ages..

    Does close friendship wander into love with INFJs? Or are they more separate for an INFJ than ENFP? I've known this INFJ for years, asked her out early, to a pretty straight out no. But since things have always seemed close. There are moments occasionally where we seemed destined, then drift apart again. She was thinking of moving when I went interstate. Wanted me to travel with her. The thing is I've had long enough to sort my thoughts on it and come to terms with it, and have no problem with just friends, except in the case that she really likes me. Sometimes it feels like it, sometimes I feel like I'm not even there.
    For me, I've always had an issue with skip-friendship-cut-to-relationship things. They've happened (and interestingly, those are the ones that end up regretting the turn of events), but the guys that I imagine something working out beautifully with are the ones that I've gotten to know well as friends first, and there it turns into something more. It'd say that's probably the case with your INFJ.

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 2
    Last Post: 04-13-2011, 05:45 PM
  2. Replies: 37
    Last Post: 07-27-2009, 12:02 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO