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Thread: Hurting feelings of other people

  1. #51



    I have chatted much w my entp friend about this topic. Have you heard the commercial on the radio recently where the women hides in the closet drinking a diet dr pepper and her husband finds her? Then she acts all crazy and guilty and he just says "I dont understand" and shuts the door.

    she says feelers are like that. totally bizarre and lacking in T style logic mostly.

    I think you are seeing biology at play. Evolution found empathy to be a handy tool for the survival of many more advanced animal species. I scratch your back and you scratch mine. The social bonding that glues groups of animals together relies of mixes of all the fun love hormones-dopamine/vasopressin/oxytocin. One animal is sick or needs a bit of help, the others will help-TO A CERTAIN EXTENT. If the animal fails to thrive after some time, they will abondon it and the animal will let itself be abondoned.

    empathy yields social assistance which either results in recovery, in which case the animal may later help the first animal, or failure to recover which results in depression , abondanment and death.

    Most important- For a feeler empathy is a feeling of unhappiness or even true discomfort at seeing others in pain. Nobody likes to be in discomfort so they act to remedy that internal discomfort by helping the other who was suffering.

    For an SF, the above scenario makes sense. They will help those in thier immediate social group and the Feely give or take of help enhances the social bonding of the group. The SF lacks the big world picture, thus can ignore the suffering outside the group or easily abandon those who do not fit well within the group.

    For an NF (at least me), something is off kilter. I cannot ignore the big picture. I recognize the suffering of the larger group and thus at times have felt considerable discomfort/aka empathy, that I cannot do more to relieve the suffering of the whole. It is actually sorrow and pain. I have at times carried around a lot of guilt for no real reason, just that I feel like I did not "help" enough. I have had to learn to mentally forgive myself for those feelings even though I never did anything wrong in the first place. Likely volenteer work is the best mental therapy you can have any NF do. It makes me mildly euphoric. (coo-coo) Also I have noticed that a lot of NFPs end up as subs in S&M relationships-potentially as a way to seek that "forgiveness" in a controlled safe fashion.

  2. #52
    RETIRED Array CzeCze's Avatar
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    Sep 2007


    Quote Originally Posted by Antisocial one View Post
    Why do you so much care not to hurt someone, that you will even put some bigger things in a risky situation?
    Do you have examples of where your 'T' shows and you don't understand the 'F' behavior? Sometimes consideration and following social protocol is mistaken for 'kindness'. I'm guessing you were referring to more personal dynamics than mere politeness?

    My answer: I've always been a super empathetic, super compassionate child and since ENFPs are essentially 5 years old forever (ha. ha. ha) I am still this way. I can imagine myself in other people's shoes pretty naturally.

    Essentially, when other people hurt, I hurt. It took many painful years to toughen up and prioritize myself and my emotional boundaries and health over other people. And realize that not everyone is nearly as concerned with other people's feelings or my feelings, and that's okay!

    I try to be discerning and wise in the way I direct and refine my kindness or compassion. I try to be appropriate for the situation.

    For instance: the truth is painful. I'll still tell it to people, I will just make sure it is easier for them to accept. People have to be in a place of safety for them to accept painful things from you.

    Sometimes people getting their feelings hurt is inevitable -- you can not and should not prevent it, but you can deliver the message as compassionately as possible.

    So depending on what you mean by 'bigger things' -- I try not to risk 'bigger things'...I think. I try to consider the whole picture, the dynamics involved, and 'the point' of the conversation or interaction. And I definitely consider myself and what I want and need.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux


  3. #53
    Senior Member Array
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    Aug 2008


    I try not to hurt other's people's feelings, unless it is something that is objective and something which they can learn from.

    There are a few factors, I've noticed in people, I try to avoid before considering hurting other's feelings, due to fairness.

    1) Justifying current position, people do this as an immature ego defense mechanism. They will look at all angles not necessarily consciously until they can find a flaw in other's actions, to make themselves feel better.

    2) Criticising others can be a reflection of the self at times. It is healthy when you are productively self critical, but you might be criticising others excessively due to self loathing.

    3) To improve social standing, often people will see characteristics that are just different or normal, but due wanting to be externally accepted and status, they point out flaws, to earn respect.

    4) There is a likelihood of projection.

    5) Often used to show superiority over the person, or power over them, due to insecurity.

    6) Not enough thoroughness in critiquing, can result in incorrect assumptions of flaws, due to lack of data collection.

    So in a nutshell, I try to do constructive critcism or very precise critique, to my capacity, if I have to hurt other's feelings. Even if these reasons are presentable and I'm on the other side, it is efficient to see the validity in the comments, taking the proportionate validity in relation to these factors, with a disposition towards learning/personal growth.

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