[NF] Feeling terrible whenever I make a mistake

[dee]

What can be the deep rooted reason for an NF to feel terrible whenever they make a mistake?
Why do I feel the need to be perfect or else...

I get such a bad feeling whenever I make a mistake, especially if someone is being hostile to me because of it.

It's the worst feeling, I just feel like "I am a terrible person" mantra going through my head. What is that?

How can I get rid of that automatically coming up and feeling that way?

 

[PinkIceTD]

What can be the deep rooted reason for an NF to feel terrible whenever they make a mistake?
Why do I feel the need to be perfect or else...

I get such a bad feeling whenever I make a mistake, especially if someone is being hostile to me because of it.

It's the worst feeling, I just feel like "I am a terrible person" mantra going through my head. What is that?

How can I get rid of that automatically coming up and feeling that way?

I understand what you're saying. I don't like making major mistakes, especially on a job or at school because it sometimes feels like I've failed. Or that I've let someone (or myself) that was counting on/ believing in me down.

But at the risk of sounding cliche, everyone makes mistakes. Without mistakes, you can't grow and become better or learn anything. So recognize, learn from and appreciate your mistakes and move on from them.

Edit: Also, with you being a J, maybe mistakes bother you more because of their unplanned presence. I don't know, but don't be too hard on youself

 

[Synarch]

What can be the deep rooted reason for an NF to feel terrible whenever they make a mistake?
Why do I feel the need to be perfect or else...

I get such a bad feeling whenever I make a mistake, especially if someone is being hostile to me because of it.

It's the worst feeling, I just feel like "I am a terrible person" mantra going through my head. What is that?

How can I get rid of that automatically coming up and feeling that way?

You may be relying too much on the validation of others. I guarantee you no one thinks you're a terrible person if you make a mistake. You're just human, like everyone else and you will occasionally make mistakes. I think it is also helpful to set reasonable expectations. It is so easy to blow things out of proportion.

 

[nolla]

NFs are about potentials. Especially when thinking about humans. The problem is that humans rarely live up to these potential. You should try to make a clear line between your mistakes and mistakes of other people or unforeseen consequences. You are responsible only up to a certain level. You have control only of the things you do willingly, so, from a certain perspective even your mistakes are not your fault. Except if you don't learn and keep repeating them.

 

[BerberElla]

NFs are about potentials. Especially when thinking about humans. The problem is that humans rarely live up to these potential. You should try to make a clear line between your mistakes and mistakes of other people or unforeseen consequences. You are responsible only up to a certain level. You have control only of the things you do willingly, so, from a certain perspective even your mistakes are not your fault. Except if you don't learn and keep repeating them.

I need to learn this too, I just spend most of my time beating myself up over my mistakes, and other peoples mistakes that effect me, as if that was somehow under my control.

I am a perfectionist that never achieves that perfection :steam:

I can't answer the OP, but I will be keeping an eye on the replies too.

 

[dee]

Thanks everyone,
yes I think I look to others to feel validated, as if without others approval I am not worth anything...

So if I ever make a mistake, which of course I do from time to time, as I am human, I feel extremely vulnerable, as if the whole world or at least anyone that knows I have done this mistake, is now having a major conference, if what "they" have thought all along is true- i.e- dee relly is worthless!!! "Proof" so to speak...

Ok, weird..., now that I realize that on a deeper level, what do I do, how can I stop the "viscious cycle?"

I just want to be happy as myself and not need the validation of others ever.

Advice for the first little step I (or others with the same problem) can take?

 

[Amargith]

Thanks everyone,
yes I think I look to others to feel validated, as if without others approval I am not worth anything...

So if I ever make a mistake, which of course I do from time to time, as I am human, I feel extremely vulnerable, as if the whole world or at least anyone that knows I have done this mistake, is now having a major conference, if what "they" have thought all along is true- i.e- dee relly is worthless!!! "Proof" so to speak...

Ok, weird..., now that I realize that on a deeper level, what do I do, how can I stop the "viscious cycle?"

I just want to be happy as myself and not need the validation of others ever.

Advice for the first little step I (or others with the same problem) can take?

LOL, you have to step back from your feelings and judge the situation objectively. Unfortunately, not an easy thing to do for an F (believe me, I know). Also, sometimes coz we're so caught up by the issue at hand, we just glare over this important step, coz we're in a hurry to redeem ourselves and fix the mistake. So, tell yourself to pause, step back and look at the situation before you go off trying to fix what you did. And good luck with it, it's easier said than done.

 

[aufs klo]

When I make a mistake, or something like that, I feel a need to pull back for the same reasons you've outlined. Not pulling back is sort of a backwards way of being okay with yourself; it puts you right back out there with others to validate yourself, and you can realize that even though you've done something wrong, people still like you, so you should still like yourself.

 

[disregard]

What can be the deep rooted reason for an NF to feel terrible whenever they make a mistake?
Why do I feel the need to be perfect or else...

I get such a bad feeling whenever I make a mistake, especially if someone is being hostile to me because of it.

It's the worst feeling, I just feel like "I am a terrible person" mantra going through my head. What is that?

How can I get rid of that automatically coming up and feeling that way?

I experience this too.

What helps is talking to people that make the same mistakes.

For example.. my sister broke one of our drinking glasses the other day. I felt like it was the end of the world, I even felt guilty by association (just listen how I'm describing the incident!).. and she's like "Don't tell anyone." and threw it away, and continued with her business.

So.. fast forward one week. I'm doing the dishes and break one of my dad's wine glasses. I know that my sister has broken a glass before, so I just write a little note on the kitchen counter explaining my mistake (Because to go up to someone and say "er.. I broke your glass" would be next to impossible for me). And guess what? No one even mentioned it to me ever!

And at work... it's so hard when you're new. You make mistakes every day and you feel like you are letting everyone down.. and then I talked to another new girl who has been working for several years in general, and she's like "You're gonna screw up at the beginning, but everyone does, and that's how you get to be an asset -- you learn from your mistakes."

Anyway, my point is --- if you remember that you do not have to hold yourself to a higher standard (even though it is natural), and refuse to feel terrible about something, it can become a good habit. I'm getting good at unlearning my caring.

 

[phoenix13]

What can be the deep rooted reason for an NF to feel terrible whenever they make a mistake?
Why do I feel the need to be perfect or else...

I get such a bad feeling whenever I make a mistake, especially if someone is being hostile to me because of it.

It's the worst feeling, I just feel like "I am a terrible person" mantra going through my head. What is that?

How can I get rid of that automatically coming up and feeling that way?

This happens to me sometimes. I think it's because we have an idealized vision of ourselves, and whenever we do something that conflicts with that image, it calls everything into question: "If I am not that image of perfection, I must be something else... something lame and bad." When other people see our non-ideal self, you've got an additional layer of embarrassment to go with it along with corroboration for the conclusion that we're not ideal. That's my theory, at least.

You can overcome this by accepting yourself for the imperfect being you are.
...good luck with that.

 

[redacted]

What can be the deep rooted reason for an NF to feel terrible whenever they make a mistake?
Why do I feel the need to be perfect or else...

I get such a bad feeling whenever I make a mistake, especially if someone is being hostile to me because of it.

It's the worst feeling, I just feel like "I am a terrible person" mantra going through my head. What is that?

How can I get rid of that automatically coming up and feeling that way?

You probably got that attitude reinforced throughout your childhood.

Gotta do some emotional work -- meditation, therapy, etc. You can't snap your fingers and make it go away, unfortunately.

(I'm still nowhere close.)

 

[tibby]

If you come up with a solution, lemme know :/

 

[Desperado44]

You're far from alone.

There was a time when guilt dominated my life. Despite the tons of good I did, I could only focus on where I failed.

Very difficult to overcome....but you can

I'm a perfectionist and an "F"....welcome to hell....however, as you continue to grow and experience new things....you will realize you're the only YOU on the planet....and its a gift...

NEVER let others make you feel anything but special.

 

[dee]

Thanks people,
I definately feel that childhood has a lot to do with it, then having the personality I do can make you care even more...
It has gotten much better, but there is still a long way to go. If I'm in a state where I am actively trying to let go of this, then when these thoughts come in, I just try to think the opposite. Like "you are a good person etc."
Other times, when it's too overwhelming I don't know what to do, and generally just get depressed, although luckily I get out of these depressed moods rather quickly.

I have come to realize that happiness (feeling good about ourselves) is something we have to fight for....and protect.

Best wishes, Dee

 

[Samvega]

I have a quote I made up that applies here:

"In order to grow as a person you must be as open to embracing and learning from your failures as you are your successes".

Sometimes life as my signature suggests is just about changing your view of the same situation. There is no way you can take the time to learn what you need from what you do wrong if you're feeling "terrible".

Also, make sure you only allow the way somebody else views, feels, thinks about, judges or corrects you to effect you proportionately to your view of or respect for that person.

 

[Virtual ghost]

I don't feel bad when I make a mistake.

I simply don't see the point of it any my emotional deficit is strong enough to prevent this from happening in the first place.

What I do is to finding a way to fix it and if can't be fixed than I am making calculations of how this will impact the future and/or search for a way to get the same thing in another way.

 

[soleil]

Thanks people,
I definately feel that childhood has a lot to do with it, then having the personality I do can make you care even more...
It has gotten much better, but there is still a long way to go. If I'm in a state where I am actively trying to let go of this, then when these thoughts come in, I just try to think the opposite. Like "you are a good person etc."
Other times, when it's too overwhelming I don't know what to do, and generally just get depressed, although luckily I get out of these depressed moods rather quickly.

I have come to realize that happiness (feeling good about ourselves) is something we have to fight for....and protect.

Best wishes, Dee

That's exactly how I feel. Good luck with it, Dee.

 

[Tiltyred]

I don't know if this will work for you, but one thing that made me stop is I adopted the idea that it's arrogant to think I would not make a mistake. I don't want to be arrogant. Also the idea that once I make a mistake, everybody sits around talking about it, or feels let down -- again, maybe arrogant -- why do I think people are looking up to me?

So the fear of being arrogant keeps me from feeling guilty because I make mistakes. (It's bad to make a mistake, but it's worse to be arrogant.)

I know it's kind of counterintuitive, but it works for me.

 

[quietmusician]

I don't really know why I do this. I get mad when I make a deeply personal mistake, that usually gets to me. I start calling myself stupid and I go on for hours about me being an idiot. I think it's because I should have seen most of the stupid mistakes coming from a mile away. And then I berate myself for having missed that opportunity to free myself from making that mistake. As I age I try not to let stuff like this be a burden anymore, but I still have my bad days.

 

[LavaLucy]

Seems like a lot of people relate and me too.
Would it help to think about it objectivly (I know it's hard) when something happens, maybe write it down on paper so you look at it as something apart from you. Consider if the other peoples reactions that are upsetting you are even justified and if someone else made the same mistake you did, what would you think of them? I bet you wouldn't be judging them as harshly as you are doing yourself. It may take a bit of practice.