User Tag List

123 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 62

  1. #1
    Senior Member LindseyLadybug's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    202

    Default NFs & Displays of Affection

    Something gloomy-optimist posted in an INFJ thread once got me thinking about a problem/dilemma I constantly run into.

    Quote Originally Posted by gloomy-optimist View Post
    Does anyone else have this thing with how comfortable they feel with touching people? I get pretty uncomfortable with people I'm not familiar with, but the people I truly care for I sometimes practically smother...
    If I am holding hands, leaning on, or hugging someone often, that's almost a sure sign that they're really close to my heart....
    With the people I am comfortable touching/showing displays of affection to (not romantic or sexual), I feel so awkward doing it. I worry how people will react to it. I know it'll probably catch them by surprise to suddenly have this reserved, quiet INFJ suddenly hug them out of nowhere. I'm not talking about people I'm really familiar with and normally hug and they reciprocate. Sometimes in my friendships, there will come a point when something just "clicks" and I'll suddenly feel close enough to them that I'm comfortable touching them. At that point I just have this urge to hug them tightly. Also, since these particular friends aren't expecting me to hug them (b/c they haven't seen that side of me), it's difficult to initiate a hug.

    Do I hold my arms out? Do I say, "I just wanted to give you a hug goodbye?" I hate this awkward feeling because at times I want so badly to reach out to someone (perhaps b/c it's rare to find someone who truly understands, appreciates, connects with, and accepts me) but I have this fear that they'll reject me or it will make them uncomfortable. IDK how else to explain it.

    I was wondering if any of the other NFs have this problem and if so, how you deal with it.

  2. #2
    Senor Membrane
    Join Date
    May 2008
    MBTI
    INFP
    Posts
    3,190

    Default

    I'd say yes and no. There are very few people I want to hug but the ones I hug, I hug them wholeheartedly. Sometimes I hug people who aren't my usual huggees (ha! I made up that word) but this usually happens when 1) I am drunk 2) There are some of my huggees around to start a hug-fest.

    If I feel the click kind of thingy, I might first try to soften the oh-my-god-he-is-hugging-me effect by touching the person some other way. It might be weird if I just hug someone since I don't even shake hands with people. And the culture here isn't all that touchy so... I don't want to freak people out.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    468 sx/sp
    Socionics
    EII None
    Posts
    4,383

    Default

    You can hold your arms out and say "Hug goodbye?" and see if you get a real hug back. If they just humor you, then you know not to offer next time.

  4. #4
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    4 sx/sp
    Socionics
    EII
    Posts
    3,067

    Default

    Yeah, like gloomy optimist, I'm uncomfortable touching people I don't have a close relationship with. Even then, I still feel awkward unless I initiate the contact. But if you are truly special to me then I go all out.

  5. #5
    violaine
    Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LindseyLadybug View Post
    Do I hold my arms out? Do I say, "I just wanted to give you a hug goodbye?" I hate this awkward feeling because at times I want so badly to reach out to someone (perhaps b/c it's rare to find someone who truly understands, appreciates, connects with, and accepts me) but I have this fear that they'll reject me or it will make them uncomfortable. IDK how else to explain it.

    I was wondering if any of the other NFs have this problem and if so, how you deal with it.

    Yes, do this. I can't imagine the person you're wanting to hug in the moment would do so but if you don't get the response you want, don't feel you were wrong to try. Or overanalyze their response. It's only by doing those things that INFJ can be free of the fear of rejection. (Which is the nicest freedom. ) Honestly, I can't imagine a reserved INFJ causing great offence by giving someone a hug.

    My NT friend does this when we've bonded over something - he holds his arms out wide and I will give him a hug. So it works. (Otherwise we don't really touch, lol.)

    I prefer to hug or be in close physical contact only with a certain vibe. i.e. We are close or the other person is friendly and well intentioned or, as per your example, we bonded over something. I like when a hug or close physical contact really means something. I don't like someone hugging me when they're trying to 'pull' something out of me if that makes sense. Like a friend trying to turn it into more than friendship.

  6. #6
    Senior Member LindseyLadybug's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    202

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by sanveane View Post
    Yes, do this. I can't imagine the person you're wanting to hug in the moment would do so but if you don't get the response you want, don't feel you were wrong to try. Or overanalyze their response. It's only by doing those things that INFJ can be free of the fear of rejection. (Which is the nicest freedom. ) Honestly, I can't imagine a reserved INFJ causing great offence by giving someone a hug.
    Haha! I'm kinda freaked out that you can read my mind like that. lol Well, she is an ENFJ so I probably shouldn't be so worried. I just feel like such a robot when it comes to hugging people for the first time so I'd hate for it to seem like I'm being forced to do it. I think my greatest challenge will be catching her when she's not talking with people....I swear, sometimes it's like trying to catch a fly in a butterfly net!

    I prefer to hug or be in close physical contact only with a certain vibe. i.e. We are close or the other person is friendly and well intentioned or, as per your example, we bonded over something. I like when a hug or close physical contact really means something. I don't like someone hugging me when they're trying to 'pull' something out of me if that makes sense. Like a friend trying to turn it into more than friendship.
    I agree, I think it has to do with INFJ's need to be authentic...or at least feel like we're authentic.

  7. #7
    movin melodies kiddykat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    4, 7
    Socionics
    IEE
    Posts
    1,115

    Default

    I know. Those awkward moments, right?

    When the situation calls for it, I just dive in and give the person a hug. Even if they're not a real touchy feely person, I'll at least show some sign of support by just being there.

    I personally dislike it when people touch me, not unless if it's a "hello" "hi" hug from friends, family and acquaintances. Other than that, I don't mind putting my head on a close friends' shoulder. When it comes to a significant other, I especially Dislike PDAs. Really dislike it. I like private displays of affection much better, and I really don't dig kissing,, holding hands with guys I'm casually 'just seeing.' That's just how I am tho. I like it that way.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Silent Stars's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    9w1
    Socionics
    INFj
    Posts
    410

    Default

    Aside from a few rather disparate hugs, I have yet to really display any physical affection toward anyone. That should be remedied within the next few years, though.

  9. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Socionics
    INFP
    Posts
    238

    Default NFs and Displays of Affection

    Quote Originally Posted by LindseyLadybug View Post
    Something gloomy-optimist posted in an INFJ thread once got me thinking about a problem/dilemma I constantly run into.



    With the people I am comfortable touching/showing displays of affection to (not romantic or sexual), I feel so awkward doing it. I worry how people will react to it. I know it'll probably catch them by surprise to suddenly have this reserved, quiet INFJ suddenly hug them out of nowhere. I'm not talking about people I'm really familiar with and normally hug and they reciprocate. Sometimes in my friendships, there will come a point when something just "clicks" and I'll suddenly feel close enough to them that I'm comfortable touching them. At that point I just have this urge to hug them tightly. Also, since these particular friends aren't expecting me to hug them (b/c they haven't seen that side of me), it's difficult to initiate a hug.

    Do I hold my arms out? Do I say, "I just wanted to give you a hug goodbye?" I hate this awkward feeling because at times I want so badly to reach out to someone (perhaps b/c it's rare to find someone who truly understands, appreciates, connects with, and accepts me) but I have this fear that they'll reject me or it will make them uncomfortable. IDK how else to explain it.

    I was wondering if any of the other NFs have this problem and if so, how you deal with it.
    Initiating a hug is logistically complicated by the fact that I'm seated and therefore have to reach up. There's also a greater chance of rejection because my wheelchair/disability make some people uncomfortable, so I usually wait for the other person to initiate any displays of affection no matter how I feel.
    It's a blessing...and a curse.

    Originally Posted by Anja
    I don't have room for shame in my life.

    INFJ, 4w5 sx

  10. #10
    violaine
    Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LindseyLadybug View Post
    Haha! I'm kinda freaked out that you can read my mind like that.....

    I agree, I think it has to do with INFJ's need to be authentic...or at least feel like we're authentic.
    LOL! All I can say is genuine

Similar Threads

  1. [NF] NFs and feelings of other people
    By Virtual ghost in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 65
    Last Post: 12-18-2009, 12:34 PM
  2. [SJ] SJ's & Public displays of affection (PDA's)
    By OregonENFP in forum The SJ Guardhouse (ESFJ, ISFJ, ESTJ, ISTJ)
    Replies: 30
    Last Post: 04-03-2009, 03:08 PM
  3. [MBTItm] What do you NF's think of the other temperaments?
    By animenagai in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 48
    Last Post: 01-22-2009, 12:12 AM
  4. [NT] Embarrassed by Displays of Emotion?
    By Orangey in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 77
    Last Post: 11-18-2008, 02:17 PM
  5. [MBTItm] NFs and (lack of) sense of direction
    By WobblyStilettos in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 33
    Last Post: 04-24-2008, 10:48 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO