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  1. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by FemmeUrbane View Post
    A question for INFJ men:

    How do you act when you're attracted to a female? Do you initiate conversations? Do you ask her to "hang out"? Do you decide to be where she'll be? Do you tell her that you want to be friends, even if you're doing ALL this?

    INFJ male here.

    MAJOR confound: when I am attracted to a female, I have (more most of my life) acted almost exactly like I act with anyone new ... I self-disclose much of my surface stuff, and some hints of the not-so-surface stuff, show authentic interest, and indulge in learning as much about them as I can. I am very open, very interested.

    DOWNSIDE: most women are programmed from high school onward to interpret this as "needy" or "desperate" or some other b.s. interpretation that is self-flattering when one is a teenager, but often completely invalid later in life.

    I have learned, the hard way, to do that which women say they despise in men, but which women themselves motivate us men to do: now I go dark, and reveal only a little. Amazingly, embarrassingly, dishearteningly --- this totally works. And it is totally not who I am. And it even hurts. But it totally works. :sad:
    Last edited by ArchAngel; 01-11-2009 at 12:51 PM. Reason: hit wrong button, do not know how to delete

  2. #42
    Cat Wench ReadingRainbows's Avatar
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    I make myself scarce and I get really akward...because I don't want to hurt his feelings or lead him on, and I find its best just to leave.

  3. #43
    Senior Member jackandthebeast's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ArchAngel View Post
    INFJ male here.

    MAJOR confound: when I am attracted to a female, I have (more most of my life) acted almost exactly like I act with anyone new ... I self-disclose much of my surface stuff, and some hints of the not-so-surface stuff, show authentic interest, and indulge in learning as much about them as I can. I am very open, very interested.

    DOWNSIDE: most women are programmed from high school onward to interpret this as "needy" or "desperate" or some other b.s. interpretation that is self-flattering when one is a teenager, but often completely invalid later in life.

    I have learned, the hard way, to do that which women say they despise in men, but which women themselves motivate us men to do: now I go dark, and reveal only a little. Amazingly, embarrassingly, dishearteningly --- this totally works. And it is totally not who I am. And it even hurts. But it totally works. :sad:
    I'm sorry. I'm pretty much the same with my self-disclosure, except I don't know how welcome it is, as I haven't dated anyone yet. But it's a shame that you have to censor yourself like that.

  4. #44
    Senior Member jackandthebeast's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tenINsFJ View Post
    I've seen two INFJ girls be attracted to someone, and they aren't subtle. The try to be but they fail. Here's a test. Ask them if they want to do anything like go to a book store or movies or just anything. If they say Yes everytime, that's a big sign. And if they say No, and they sound like they genuinely have a reason not to, don't worry about it. But if they say Yes more than No, and they say Yes frequently, it's a very good sign.
    Ha. It's funny because it's true.

  5. #45
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    This is my first reply to the group so howdy folks. I do not think type can explain certain behaviors. As an INFJ I think this has more to do with maturity than anything. As all people develop social skills and we become less focused on ourselves and more considerate of others these awkward encounters should cease pretty much. We are just not that important in the scheme of things. I think as young inexperianced men and women in the world there is alot of drama. NF needs to connect with others so avoidance of hurting other people is a primary intention with them. This not to say that they do not cause harm however. I have always appreciated people being direct and honest with me, being a healthy mirror and ask questions in a non-threatening way.

  6. #46
    Senior Member something boring's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by A Schnitzel View Post
    INFJs I know that have noticed some chemistry, but aren't interested currently i.e. some other thing is holding them back. What happens is they stay quite psychologically distant. It's like they put up an invisible wall. They often use one word answers to reply to questions that often deserve more of a response and stay especially quiet.

    I find it quite irritating and a little rude.

    On the other hand they treat everyone else normally.
    I do that sometimes because I know I'll give myself away otherwise. Sometimes total avoidance seems like the only option. If I'm fresh out of a relationship and still trying to recover, I'll get like that when I like someone already. Or if they're taken, I get like that until I adjust.
    "Don�t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - Howard Thurman


    [SIGPIC]http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l110/evillinclinations/fortune45.gif[/SIGPIC]

    ...and yes, I'm still on about that...






  7. #47
    Senior Member amelie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by raz View Post
    Like I said, she reciprocates anything I start with her. She'll be super friendly and want to talk to me, but she never says anything about her personal life unless I find a way to inquire about it and then she tells me. The only things I've found out about her, I had to observe and then question. It just makes me wonder if I didn't have to talk to her for work-related matters, if she'd even seek me out for conversation.
    She could like you - maybe even a lot. I am guarded for a really long time - I don't like to talk about my personal life with anyone who is not "inner circle" which is a very select few people who have earned my trust (though I have a big circle of friends that I have casual relationships with, I don't share my inner self with them). I'm also not big on initiating plans with people, but I only accept invitations from people I really want to be with. I don't like to risk being rejected, because it's really painful to me. If you really like her, keep spending time with her and try and draw her out. You have to show that you are trustworthy before she lets her guard down.

  8. #48
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Thursday View Post
    I dig into her psyche like i'm trying to find the needle in a hay stack.
    I initiate and am very direct. But its quietly aggressive.
    I am not good at setting things up though, but its because of me being very anti-social. I have placed myself in the right place at the right time. As for the friend zone, i get to know them first ; after digging into her psyche, it either turns into something or nothing ; My girlfriend will be my best friend.
    Basically the same here. When I get attracted, though, the friendship-building is more awkward for me because I'm impatient.
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

    This is who I am, escapist, paradise-seeker.
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    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

  9. #49
    Senior Member Winds of Thor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eileen View Post
    heh.

    guilty!

    It always *feels* like the most compassionate thing to do--to maintain distance, to put up the wall. Maybe it isn't. But I do it.
    Compassionate. Is that out of respect for the other person-so they don't feel rejected by the expectations? So like them and keep them out...this feels like offering them something to feel better?

    Loyalty. If the other person does nothing to hurt you. And you see this in their heart. Why not acknowledge this person is worthy and treat them accordingly...He or she may be a kind considerate, genuinely loving person.

    Valuing loyalty is important. INFJs aren't the only people who have sensitive feelings and can hurt deeply.

    It is my hope that INFJs don't see that they are isolated and assume they are the only ones so sensitive. It is my greater hope they will learn this. So as to understand that while people hurt because of other's aggressions, they may hurt as well by other's inactions. This in spirit, is an action itself.

    Because the perception is a hurtful void. And that hurtful movement of emotion inside feels sharp. I'm just sayin'
    "..And the eight and final rule: If this is your first time at Fight Club, you have to fight."
    'Men are meant to be with women. The rest is perversion and mental illness.'

  10. #50
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    When I was younger I would usually go the avoidance route or just feel really awkward around people that liked me that I wasn't interested in. I finally realized it is much kinder (to men anyway) to end the suspense and let them know where they are at. As long as it is done respectfully, privately and matter-of-factly, it seems to work pretty well. Eg. I was at an acquaintance friend's house. He's a nice person I work with and live next to among a neighbourhood of teacher's houses in an isolated community. Sometimes we'll go walking, but that's about it. After we walked one night he invited me to watch my favorite TV show. While we were watching, he put his arm around my shoulder and kind of started stroking my shoulder/hair despite no previous physical contact or signs of interest on my part other than friendliness (I had just broken up with a long term boyfriend). I moved away a bit and left before too long. The next day I emailed him and said that I know he wasn't asking me out, but it also is unpleasant to be unsure so I wanted him to know I am leaving the community and also not interested in dating anyone right now. We have been able to continue being friends, although I am a little more on my guard.

    With people who don't get the picture after a talk like that, I make a point of being rude (one word answers, no volunteered info about myself, formal manner etc). I'm not likely to volunteer a whole lot spontaneously (unless I'm really comfortable around you) or approach you, but if someone wanted to get to know me better I do throw out enough hints of depth they could follow up on if they are interested. If they don't bother, I will conclude disinterest on their part or I will shut the last door they didn't choose to walk through. I am bad at hiding my feelings for too long so if they ask me to go somewhere and I say yes consistently, they're doing just fine. Sometimes I am still deciding though what kind of relationship with them I could envision. Better to err on the side of waiting than proposing a relationship too soon. I take awhile to get used to new ideas. If they catch me before there has been enough time to mull (if I have not decided what I think about them) I will probably decide against the whole thing. I really dislike pushiness and if it also seems like the stakes are so high I'd break his heart if things didn't work out, it's too much pressure and I will quickly lose interest. Very low key persistence on the other hand is fine as long as it is respectful.

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