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  1. #31
    half-nut member briochick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cimarron View Post
    Is that true even when you're still fine with him being your friend? Or is that your point, that this is for guys who you wouldn't want to be friends with anyway?

    This may sound odd but growing up I was taught that men and women *can't* be just friends. I've worked really hard to get over that but I think a good part of it is still lodged in me. That being said I've never had a situation where a guy I was friends with liked me, at least not that I knew of. And those that have expressed interest during a budding friendship pretty much killed any chance I'd want to continue a friendship. But then I also tend to attract guys who are a little stalkerish and socially awkward, so that could also be a major contributing factor...
    -Brio

    "I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life; I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well."
    -Teddy Roosevelt
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  2. #32
    Senior Member batumi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cimarron View Post
    (This topic has probably already come up before. And I'm not sure if this is the right spot for it.)

    INFJs, especially ladies, but anyone's welcome to answer: How do you treat someone who is interested in you, but you're not interested in a relationship with them, assuming that you have to interact with that person in a group setting?

    When you see them and talk to them, how do you react? What do you say and do?

    This question isn't worded well, is it? I may have to give the situation. I've noticed that she (INFJ, I think) treats me differently, and doesn't really try to avoid it or cover it up. Another girl who I think was INFJ did the same thing a few years ago.
    Kindness when meeting, avoidance at all times otherwise, so that I don't end up in a situation where I may have to say something that would hurt the person. Hugs to you, Cim.

  3. #33
    Senior Member batumi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by A Schnitzel View Post
    INFJs I know that have noticed some chemistry, but aren't interested currently i.e. some other thing is holding them back. What happens is they stay quite psychologically distant. It's like they put up an invisible wall. They often use one word answers to reply to questions that often deserve more of a response and stay especially quiet.

    I find it quite irritating and a little rude.

    On the other hand they treat everyone else normally.
    And the same holds true in the beginning when the chemistry is welcome.
    You have to keep working at it to get beyond that doorway.

  4. #34
    Senior Member batumi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cimarron View Post
    On the topic of making sure everything appears normal...treating the guy as "normally" and neutrally as possible:

    Suppose that before he made his feelings known to you, the two of you weren't really close friends, though you knew each other and liked hanging out together. Maybe after the "turning point", treating him "normally" isn't as easy because now he's drawn your attention to him, whereas before this you wouldn't have "noticed" him. And this means to treat him as an equal with the other guys you know, you're actually paying more attention to him, even though it's neutral attention, not positive attention. You get what I'm saying? Does that sound like it could happen, or is it a little too far-fetched?

    This was something strange I noticed happening after I asked that girl out.

    (Thanks again for the replies.)
    You've got it nailed.

  5. #35
    Senior Member batumi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by raz1337 View Post
    I have a similar problem, except it's quite a different story. The INFJ in question is one that I work with. As I started working, we became friends so naturally that it was like I wasn't even trying. Then, one day I noticed how much I really cared about her, and I wanted to tell her so bad. I bought a thinking of you card for her and wrote in it what I liked about her. She took it really well, nothing hostile at all, just warm "thank you, I think you're sweet too" from her. I made it clear in the card that I wasn't implying anything romantic. I just wanted her to know what I thought about her.

    The thing is, she's 10 years older, and has a boyfriend, so it's like a brick wall. I've pretty much accepted that it's impossible. She's always really friendly to me, and talks to me about anything I tell her about, but I think that's just the INFJ thing to do. She jokes around a lot with me, but sometimes she just feels psychologically distant. She has a weird sense of humor. I told her the other day that I went to the meet with other MBTIc people and that it was really awkward. She said, "just punch them, they're not worth it."

    She's one of those rare people that I feel like I'd instantly drop anything I'm doing for. It's just weird feeling something like this for someone who's so out of my league. I'm very capable of working with her and that's completely fine. I just can't help but admire her every time I see her. I try not to look obsessed, though. :P

    Another friend of mine that I felt just as close to, I had take the MBTI, and they tested INFJ, too. I seem to find myself liking INFJs, apparently.
    It's a nice pairing, I do believe. Keep posting...

  6. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cimarron View Post
    (This topic has probably already come up before. And I'm not sure if this is the right spot for it.)

    INFJs, especially ladies, but anyone's welcome to answer: How do you treat someone who is interested in you, but you're not interested in a relationship with them, assuming that you have to interact with that person in a group setting?

    When you see them and talk to them, how do you react? What do you say and do?

    This question isn't worded well, is it? I may have to give the situation. I've noticed that she (INFJ, I think) treats me differently, and doesn't really try to avoid it or cover it up. Another girl who I think was INFJ did the same thing a few years ago.
    Hey Cimarron.
    If someone is interested in me, and it's not mutual, and I know they are attracted to me, I pretend like I don't even know. I still act normal like how I usually would, and like Evan said, I don't mention any other girls or anything so I don't hurt their feelings or make them feel bad.
    I've seen two INFJ girls be attracted to someone, and they aren't subtle. The try to be but they fail. Here's a test. Ask them if they want to do anything like go to a book store or movies or just anything. If they say Yes everytime, that's a big sign. And if they say No, and they sound like they genuinely have a reason not to, don't worry about it. But if they say Yes more than No, and they say Yes frequently, it's a very good sign.

  7. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by FemmeUrbane View Post
    A question for INFJ men:

    How do you act when you're attracted to a female? Do you initiate conversations? Do you ask her to "hang out"? Do you decide to be where she'll be? Do you tell her that you want to be friends, even if you're doing ALL this?
    Yes to all of the above.

  8. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by raz1337 View Post
    I have a similar problem, except it's quite a different story. The INFJ in question is one that I work with. As I started working, we became friends so naturally that it was like I wasn't even trying. Then, one day I noticed how much I really cared about her, and I wanted to tell her so bad. I bought a thinking of you card for her and wrote in it what I liked about her. She took it really well, nothing hostile at all, just warm "thank you, I think you're sweet too" from her. I made it clear in the card that I wasn't implying anything romantic. I just wanted her to know what I thought about her.

    The thing is, she's 10 years older, and has a boyfriend, so it's like a brick wall. I've pretty much accepted that it's impossible. She's always really friendly to me, and talks to me about anything I tell her about, but I think that's just the INFJ thing to do. She jokes around a lot with me, but sometimes she just feels psychologically distant. She has a weird sense of humor.

    She's one of those rare people that I feel like I'd instantly drop anything I'm doing for. It's just weird feeling something like this for someone who's so out of my league. I'm very capable of working with her and that's completely fine. I just can't help but admire her every time I see her. I try not to look obsessed, though. :P
    Ha, reading this post is like looking into a mirror. I have a ridiculous crush on the girl who sits next to me at work. She's about six-and-a-half years older than I am, INFJ, we slowly became friendly at work, and one day a couple months ago it just dawned on me that I love everything about her.

    At first I quickly dismissed the possibility of a relationship: I don't want things at work to get screwed up. I resigned myself to never bothering to pursue it until a couple weeks ago when a friend asked "So, when are you going to ask her out?"

    I said, "I don't know, I don't think it's a good idea to get involved with someone at work." He said to me, in one of the more frank expressions he's ever had, "No. You're wrong. You're thinking about this the wrong way. The worst that could happen is that things around the office are weird for a few months. But what if it turns out she says yes? What if you marry her? Not asking could be the biggest mistake you'd ever make in your life."

    Okay, agreed. I phoned her the following weekend and she brushed me off, and last week she threw up an emotional wall and didn't talk much. She doesn't bother answering e-mails anymore either. I get the impression she knows what's up, isn't interested, and just doesn't want to deal with it in order to spare me embarrassment and hurt feelings. At the same time we're still fairly friendly around the office, but no more or less so than in the past few months.

    I want a simple, straight answer out of her as to whether she's interested or not, but I don't think I'd get one unless I threw all my cards on the table and flat out told her I'm madly in love with her. I don't want to because I think she'd be devastated with guilt if she said no, and at the same time if she said yes would feel guilty for leaving me to see her parents over the Christmas holidays. Either way I think she'll feel awful about the whole thing and all I can think of doing in order to spare her from somehow feeling bad about the situation (she has the uncanny ability to evaluate a situation and somehow work it around in her mind in such a way as to make herself feel bad because she made someone else feel bad... INFJ trait?) is not bothering to ask until sometime in the new year.

    Meanwhile I'm still sitting across from her every day, casually glancing over her computer monitors at her while my mind races about all the what-ifs. Sometimes I want to profess my feelings so much I'd scream, but frankly I just don't know what the hell I'm doing!! :steam:

  9. #39
    Senior Member Erudur's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cimarron View Post
    Good, I don't do that. I see what you're getting at. I'm not even close to aggressive about this, especially this time. But I had a thought: I do get nervous and awkward, so maybe I end up acting in a way that she thinks is obvious and embarrassing to her. Kind of like, she thinks I'm doing to her exactly what I've been saying she's doing to me. ...? Awkward situations only end up happening when we cross paths, and I stop and let her go first or something. And maybe people can tell by the awkward way I do it that I like her. But that's about it.

    The girl from years ago used to point out any mistake or stupid thing I said, and make fun of it, when before those times she would have just let it go. It was kind of funny, too, but after enough times I started to think it was more than just kidding around. No, I'm not sure about their type. The recent one acts like the first one, and the first one I guessed as INFJ...maybe INTP, strangely enough. Thanks for the help, though.

    Edit: New theory--She's an INTJ. I'm looking into it.
    I don't think she's an INTJ. As an INTJ, I think I react to unrequited interest similarly as an INFJ would. I'm not at all confrontational on issues of love. Now issues of politics or science -- yes I can be very confrontational. My tendancy would be to avoid. I don't think a woman INTJ would be that different either.

  10. #40
    Earth Exalted Thursday's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FemmeUrbane View Post
    A question for INFJ men:

    How do you act when you're attracted to a female? Do you initiate conversations? Do you ask her to "hang out"? Do you decide to be where she'll be? Do you tell her that you want to be friends, even if you're doing ALL this?
    I dig into her psyche like i'm trying to find the needle in a hay stack.
    I initiate and am very direct. But its quietly aggressive.
    I am not good at setting things up though, but its because of me being very anti-social. I have placed myself in the right place at the right time. As for the friend zone, i get to know them first ; after digging into her psyche, it either turns into something or nothing ; My girlfriend will be my best friend.
    I N V I C T U S

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