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[NF] if pain&misunderstanding is unavoidable,then how to accept it?

niki

New member
Joined
Sep 16, 2007
Messages
210
MBTI Type
INFP
according to your own personal experiences,
is pain & misunderstanding between people, especially close people like in family, friends, colleagues, etc is just UNavoidable, and part of Life ? (no matter how good intentions & explainings & behaviors you have!)

if this is the case, then how you (as NFs), or perhaps some of you (who've already matured a lot) , can be so stern & firm, and to accept it as it is, without exaggerating, taking it way too personal, or getting depressed too much?
 

nolla

Senor Membrane
Joined
May 22, 2008
Messages
3,166
MBTI Type
INFP
I think that pain and misunderstanding are unavoidable to people who aren't open. If there isn't a facade, there is less chance of hurting other people unintentionally. Unfortunately not many people are open like that, so it is unlikely that anyone could have all of his family and friends being so open that there is no pain anymore.

Anyways, if one would drop the defenses, all the other people would find it so much easier to talk to and relate to the defenseless person, that it could make a huge difference already. Maybe some other people followed his example and there'd be a domino effect...

(and this is the best plan I have for making the world a happy place :) )
 

alcea rosea

New member
Joined
Nov 11, 2007
Messages
3,658
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
according to your own personal experiences,
is pain & misunderstanding between people, especially close people like in family, friends, colleagues, etc is just UNavoidable, and part of Life ? (no matter how good intentions & explainings & behaviors you have!)

if this is the case, then how you (as NFs), or perhaps some of you (who've already matured a lot) , can be so stern & firm, and to accept it as it is, without exaggerating, taking it way too personal, or getting depressed too much?

Pain & misunderstanding is unavoidable. THe best is not to dwell on it. Process it, feel it and then forget about it and look forward.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I think that pain and misunderstanding are unavoidable to people who aren't open. If there isn't a facade, there is less chance of hurting other people unintentionally. Unfortunately not many people are open like that, so it is unlikely that anyone could have all of his family and friends being so open that there is no pain anymore.

Anyways, if one would drop the defenses, all the other people would find it so much easier to talk to and relate to the defenseless person, that it could make a huge difference already. Maybe some other people followed his example and there'd be a domino effect...

(and this is the best plan I have for making the world a happy place :) )

Works in most cases. Not in my family however. I just put up walls when I go there. It's the only time I do that. And as much as I love them, I try to see them only when necessary.
 

disregard

mrs
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
7,826
MBTI Type
INFP
according to your own personal experiences,
is pain & misunderstanding between people, especially close people like in family, friends, colleagues, etc is just UNavoidable, and part of Life ? (no matter how good intentions & explainings & behaviors you have!)

if this is the case, then how you (as NFs), or perhaps some of you (who've already matured a lot) , can be so stern & firm, and to accept it as it is, without exaggerating, taking it way too personal, or getting depressed too much?

Pain and misunderstandings often arise from expectations not being met. You can either lower your expectations or start enforcing them. The former will leave you feeling taken advantage of, unsatisfied, etc and the latter will leave you feeling empowered and more self-respecting.

If you are sensitive like I am, it is important to change the way you respond externally to negative stimuli, not just internally, as that can leave you feeling invisible, like your needs and wants are not being addressed.

I think there are three important elements to addressing pain/misunderstandings:
1) Express your perception of events
2) Express how you feel
3) Express your expectations

It's important that exchanges like this take place, as everything becomes less ambiguous, giving you both a greater idea of whether or not further investment in a relationship is something you would want.
 

redacted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 28, 2007
Messages
4,223
Decide that people don't have to be perfect.

Yup.

If pain and misunderstanding are just a part of human interaction, they're sunk costs. No point in wasting processing power wishing it was different. Might as well use that processing power to maximize understanding.
 

nolla

Senor Membrane
Joined
May 22, 2008
Messages
3,166
MBTI Type
INFP
Works in most cases. Not in my family however. I just put up walls when I go there. It's the only time I do that. And as much as I love them, I try to see them only when necessary.

I have a hard time too with my family accepting me being spontaneous. I guess the reason has a lot to do with my father and my step-mom being kinda authoritarian and slow to adapt, so they still have some remnants of them having power over me. When I am in their house I am supposed to be ... less me, I guess. But.. I am pushing the envelope...
 

Chris_in_Orbit

New member
Joined
Jul 7, 2008
Messages
504
MBTI Type
ESTJ
Probably impossible to ever be prepared for pain or misunderstanding... just handle each situation individually as they come...and a little less anger in those situations would help.
 

01011010

New member
Joined
Jun 22, 2008
Messages
3,916
MBTI Type
INxJ
What Jack said.

Also, apply that to yourself. The biggest frustration I have with my INFJ gf is that she thinks she always has to be perceived as "good" and "perfect". Don't base your self worth on what other people think of you. A mistake now and then isn't the end of the world. Just a problem that needs a different strategy.
 

ajblaise

Minister of Propagandhi
Joined
Aug 3, 2008
Messages
7,914
MBTI Type
INTP
Give up on trying to control other's behavior and their perceptions of you, and to accomplish that, practice detachment.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Give up on trying to control other's behavior and their perceptions of you, and to accomplish that, practice detachment.

I've fought very hard not to do that as it is my family and I want a great emotional connection with them. But it seems to be the only way to protect each side. Just frigging bothers me to have such a gigantic wall between us all the time. It's exhausting to keep up and makes you wonder why you bother visiting them.
 

Synarch

Once Was
Joined
Oct 14, 2008
Messages
8,445
MBTI Type
ENTP
Works in most cases. Not in my family however. I just put up walls when I go there. It's the only time I do that. And as much as I love them, I try to see them only when necessary.

The people closest to us are the most careless.
 

nolla

Senor Membrane
Joined
May 22, 2008
Messages
3,166
MBTI Type
INFP
Never understood why that is, but it would appear so.

Family members assume that because they share the same genes they can never ruin their relationship completely. Family also shares long history, so it would seem like it connects them, but there are also things that separate. If each member could just step back and forget about the painful memories and start relating to the others as they are now, things would be better.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Family members assume that because they share the same genes they can never ruin their relationship completely. Family also shares long history, so it would seem like it connects them, but there are also things that separate. If each member could just step back and forget about the painful memories and start relating to the others as they are now, things would be better.

Easier said then done. Families tend to be stuck in a pattern and getting all of the members to cooperate is..challenging :)
 

ajblaise

Minister of Propagandhi
Joined
Aug 3, 2008
Messages
7,914
MBTI Type
INTP
I've fought very hard not to do that as it is my family and I want a great emotional connection with them. But it seems to be the only way to protect each side. Just frigging bothers me to have such a gigantic wall between us all the time. It's exhausting to keep up and makes you wonder why you bother visiting them.

Yeah family structure has a lot of positives, but I don't see the purpose of trying to force a connection that's just not there.
 
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