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  1. #1
    Senior Member niki's Avatar
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    Default if pain&misunderstanding is unavoidable,then how to accept it?

    according to your own personal experiences,
    is pain & misunderstanding between people, especially close people like in family, friends, colleagues, etc is just UNavoidable, and part of Life ? (no matter how good intentions & explainings & behaviors you have!)

    if this is the case, then how you (as NFs), or perhaps some of you (who've already matured a lot) , can be so stern & firm, and to accept it as it is, without exaggerating, taking it way too personal, or getting depressed too much?

  2. #2
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    Decide that people don't have to be perfect.

  3. #3
    Senor Membrane
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    I think that pain and misunderstanding are unavoidable to people who aren't open. If there isn't a facade, there is less chance of hurting other people unintentionally. Unfortunately not many people are open like that, so it is unlikely that anyone could have all of his family and friends being so open that there is no pain anymore.

    Anyways, if one would drop the defenses, all the other people would find it so much easier to talk to and relate to the defenseless person, that it could make a huge difference already. Maybe some other people followed his example and there'd be a domino effect...

    (and this is the best plan I have for making the world a happy place )

  4. #4
    Senior Member alcea rosea's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by niki View Post
    according to your own personal experiences,
    is pain & misunderstanding between people, especially close people like in family, friends, colleagues, etc is just UNavoidable, and part of Life ? (no matter how good intentions & explainings & behaviors you have!)

    if this is the case, then how you (as NFs), or perhaps some of you (who've already matured a lot) , can be so stern & firm, and to accept it as it is, without exaggerating, taking it way too personal, or getting depressed too much?
    Pain & misunderstanding is unavoidable. THe best is not to dwell on it. Process it, feel it and then forget about it and look forward.

  5. #5
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nolla View Post
    I think that pain and misunderstanding are unavoidable to people who aren't open. If there isn't a facade, there is less chance of hurting other people unintentionally. Unfortunately not many people are open like that, so it is unlikely that anyone could have all of his family and friends being so open that there is no pain anymore.

    Anyways, if one would drop the defenses, all the other people would find it so much easier to talk to and relate to the defenseless person, that it could make a huge difference already. Maybe some other people followed his example and there'd be a domino effect...

    (and this is the best plan I have for making the world a happy place )
    Works in most cases. Not in my family however. I just put up walls when I go there. It's the only time I do that. And as much as I love them, I try to see them only when necessary.
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    "Harm none, do as ye will”

  6. #6
    mrs disregard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by niki View Post
    according to your own personal experiences,
    is pain & misunderstanding between people, especially close people like in family, friends, colleagues, etc is just UNavoidable, and part of Life ? (no matter how good intentions & explainings & behaviors you have!)

    if this is the case, then how you (as NFs), or perhaps some of you (who've already matured a lot) , can be so stern & firm, and to accept it as it is, without exaggerating, taking it way too personal, or getting depressed too much?
    Pain and misunderstandings often arise from expectations not being met. You can either lower your expectations or start enforcing them. The former will leave you feeling taken advantage of, unsatisfied, etc and the latter will leave you feeling empowered and more self-respecting.

    If you are sensitive like I am, it is important to change the way you respond externally to negative stimuli, not just internally, as that can leave you feeling invisible, like your needs and wants are not being addressed.

    I think there are three important elements to addressing pain/misunderstandings:
    1) Express your perception of events
    2) Express how you feel
    3) Express your expectations

    It's important that exchanges like this take place, as everything becomes less ambiguous, giving you both a greater idea of whether or not further investment in a relationship is something you would want.

  7. #7
    Occasional Member Evan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jack Flak View Post
    Decide that people don't have to be perfect.
    Yup.

    If pain and misunderstanding are just a part of human interaction, they're sunk costs. No point in wasting processing power wishing it was different. Might as well use that processing power to maximize understanding.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Works in most cases. Not in my family however. I just put up walls when I go there. It's the only time I do that. And as much as I love them, I try to see them only when necessary.
    I have a hard time too with my family accepting me being spontaneous. I guess the reason has a lot to do with my father and my step-mom being kinda authoritarian and slow to adapt, so they still have some remnants of them having power over me. When I am in their house I am supposed to be ... less me, I guess. But.. I am pushing the envelope...

  9. #9
    Senior Member Chris_in_Orbit's Avatar
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    Probably impossible to ever be prepared for pain or misunderstanding... just handle each situation individually as they come...and a little less anger in those situations would help.

  10. #10
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    What Jack said.

    Also, apply that to yourself. The biggest frustration I have with my INFJ gf is that she thinks she always has to be perceived as "good" and "perfect". Don't base your self worth on what other people think of you. A mistake now and then isn't the end of the world. Just a problem that needs a different strategy.

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