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[ENFJ] E/INTJs interacting with ENFJs

Harlow_Jem

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Is it possible for E/INTJ's to interact peacefully with ENFJs at a profound, meaningful level?

It seems like we're so completely opposite that all that occurs is a profound clashing. As an E/INTJ I always demand things to be spoken bluntly so that there's no possibility of an elephant just standing there in the room while ENFJ's seem to think the elephant in the room is a security blanket or something that needs no acknowledgment.

Do any ENFJs here have any close E/INTJ friends or significant others?
 

Usehername

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Yes.

But you need an NTJ who knows when to employ tact and when to respect someone's emotional state.
 

01011010

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Where can I sign up for FSL (Feelings as a Second Language)??

lol Get in line.

NFJ variety is infuriating. I experienced the same problems you did. They take everything so personally, when all you want to do is sort out the mess and be done with it.

At some point, you will have to try and be more emotionally available and softer in the way you approach issues, if your really want to make it work. Hopefully, your partner wants to put in the same effort. I'd verify that he does though, before attempting such an investment and compromise.
 

Usehername

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My experience is that NFs really do search for genuineness in others. Thus, when you bluntly ask, "was my comment an inappropriate comment?" or, "should I be trying to console you now?" or, "how can I best be your [friend/daughter/girlfriend, etc.] at this moment?" they read this as what it is when it comes from an NTJ. Genuine learning (through the best means we know how) how to connect.

This is, quite honestly, how I learned. God bless my ENFP daddy. :yes:
 

Harlow_Jem

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lol Get in line.

NFJ variety is infuriating. I experienced the same problems you did. They take everything so personally, when all you want to do is sort out the mess and be done with it.

At some point, you will have to try and be more emotionally available and softer in the way you approach issues, if your really want to make it work. Hopefully, your partner wants to put in the same effort. I'd verify that he does though, before attempting such an investment and compromise.

Right. But how exactly and what exactly is "softer in the way you approach issues"? I'm completely clueless as to the ABC's of that "softer" language. My ENFJ literally called me "clueless."
 

Harlow_Jem

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My experience is that NFs really do search for genuineness in others. Thus, when you bluntly ask, "was my comment an inappropriate comment?" or, "should I be trying to console you now?" or, "how can I best be your [friend/daughter/girlfriend, etc.] at this moment?" they read this as what it is when it comes from an NTJ. Genuine learning (through the best means we know how) how to connect.

This is, quite honestly, how I learned. God bless my ENFP daddy. :yes:

What if an ENFJ doesn't really have any idea about typology and sees all people as just one type? Thus, he just sees people as insensitive/clueless or not? I think the bigger issue is that since I know he's an ENFJ, I try my hardest to speak his language to him but he doesn't really know what an E/INTJ is so he just gets really pissed when I'm genuinely trying to communicate.
 

Jack Flak

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Right. But how exactly and what exactly is "softer in the way you approach issues"? I'm completely clueless as to the ABC's of that "softer" language. My ENFJ literally called me "clueless."
Before or after he read that letter? :D
 

Usehername

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What if an ENFJ doesn't really have any idea about typology and sees all people as just one type? Thus, he just sees people as insensitive/clueless or not? I think the bigger issue is that since I know he's an ENFJ, I try my hardest to speak his language to him but he doesn't really know what an E/INTJ is so he just gets really pissed when I'm genuinely trying to communicate.

So long as you're making an effort to grow and develop yourself and your relationships and your consideration of others' POV, that's the best you can do. My assertion that the NTJ needs to learn tact and how to be considerate of emotional states has the converse as well--ENFJs need to learn that dealing with life primarily through logic is not substandard and that it is not okay to wield their emotional state over another being.

Before or after he read that letter? :D

Lol. Teh Flak has a very good point.
 

01011010

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Right. But how exactly and what exactly is "softer in the way you approach issues"? I'm completely clueless as to the ABC's of that "softer" language. My ENFJ literally called me "clueless."

The only method I have come up with so far, is to start any conversation when your going to confront an issue with, "This does no change my overall opinion of you." "I am not judging you." NFJs seem to feel like they are lacking or not good enough, if they were at fault or partially involved and are faced with that head on. Don't ask me how anyone comes to that conclusion. NFJs seem to take things really personally.

I didn't learn any of that until after 2 years into a relationship with an NFJ.
 

Neo Genesis

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Right. But how exactly and what exactly is "softer in the way you approach issues"? I'm completely clueless as to the ABC's of that "softer" language. My ENFJ literally called me "clueless."

When talking, just imagine taking a longer route to get there. Its not perfect and its not as "productive" as being completely direct, but at least it'll get you started.

Before or after he read that letter? :D

lol, I remember that thread. Are you still with this guy?!? Sounded like that bridge was burnt a long time ago.
 

Harlow_Jem

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When talking, just imagine taking a longer route to get there. Its not perfect and its not as "productive" as being completely direct, but at least it'll get you started.



lol, I remember that thread. Are you still with this guy?!? Sounded like that bridge was burnt a long time ago.

Yes, it's the same guy. And I know, I thought the bridge was demolished, trampled on, and then burned too. But the bridge has been scotch-taped back up and I'm trying to tip-toe as softly as I can on it.
 

Usehername

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IM(blunt)O,

If he's unable to see that you're two different people (meaning if he doesn't stop laying his standards/expectations of the "right" way of being and approaching the world on to you) this has no chance. He needs to learn from you, too. Otherwise your relationship will have power dynamics. Teacher/student relationships should have power dynamics, parent/young child relationships should have power dynamics, friendships and romantic relationships should not.
 

runvardh

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Yeah, if he can't be sensitive to your situation he's not worth the time. Yes, I say this as a somewhat jaded NF, but it is no less true. Compromise is to happen on both sides to meet each other's needs - otherwise it's pointless.
 

The Third Rider

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Well my best friend is an ENTJ and we get along perfectly fine. So I see now problems with that.
 

miss fortune

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My ENFJ sis dated an INTJ for about 3 years.

They had completely different interests, but similar tastes in most things. I swear, part of what they liked best was getting moments where they could say "I told you so!" to each other. Luckily, they both LOVED arguing!

Peaceful relations between the types? Not sure if THAT'S possible, but if both of them get a thrill from fighting then there's hope! :)
 

Harlow_Jem

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They had completely different interests, but similar tastes in most things. I swear, part of what they liked best was getting moments where they could say "I told you so!" to each other. :)

Exactly what I find to be true for me and my ENFJ. Our interests might be vastly different, but we have almost identical tastes in a lot of things, most importantly in music. And he LOVES to say, "I told you!"
 

Harlow_Jem

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Also, are ENFJ's typically seen as "mild" in relationships? As an E/INTJ, when I fall in love, it's kind of explosive and almost overbearingly intense to not only me, but I would assume to him as well. My ENFJ just seems so "mild" and laid back about things between us and I guess it's because he's used to feeling all the time so he knows how to control his emotions?

So if I feel that sometimes his language and demeanor seem kind of mild, I kind of freak out and think crazy thoughts like, "omg it's over!!!" and realize it's far from over. Am I just insane?
 
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