So I'm an INFJ female who loves personality type, and I'm always trying to use MBTI to help me understand any conflicts I encounter with other types. So, at the risk of sounding like an overly sensitive, self-confessing NF, here's my situation that I would love help sorting out.
I'm engaged to a really awesome guy who's an ESTP (my opposite). About a year and a half ago (before getting engaged) we had some problems because we started hanging out with a new coworker of his, an ESTJ female. His workplace is very social and we get to know a lot of our good friends, male and female, through the mixers and things that his company holds. She was fairly new to our social circle, and honestly she kind of made me anxious because I sometimes felt she was hitting on my boyfriend. But whenever it got bad enough that I thought about putting my foot down and cutting ties with her, she would be extremely nice to me and then I would say to myself, "Well maybe she's just really outgoing. I shouldn't jump to conclusions." So for a few months it went on like this, with me vaguely suspicious of her, but not enough to break ties, and we'd all hang out at bars and such with groups of other people. I never talked to my boyfriend about my anxieties over her because I didn't want to seem insecure or overbearing, and in retrospect I see that I should have just been upfront with him the whole time.
So a couple months after we start hanging out with her, my boyfriend got a big promotion at work... to be her boss. Suddenly what had been only an irritating suspicion for so long became very obvious -- she was suddenly all over him, constant non-work-related texts and phone calls, constantly talking to him about her prospects for moving up at work, hanging all over him and making me feel like a third wheel whenever she was at the same social event as us, etc. I was furious, and I kicked myself for not acting on my spidey sensors earlier. (As an introverted intuitive and NF, now I'm learning to trust my intuitions and insights about people more.) I finally told my boyfriend what I was observing and that I was angry at her but also very angry at him for even letting it go on, especially since in retrospect I was now quite sure that the flirting had been going on for quite a while, though less explicitly before she was his subordinate. He quickly cut non-professional ties with her and seemed genuinely remorseful. In the end I think this was good for our relationship because as an outgoing, life-of-the-party ESTP he had seemed to think that flirtations were okay as long as he did not initiate them and did not act on them, but now he understands that I take those behaviors very personally, and since then we only hang out with coworkers who are respectful of our relationship. Things have been great between us since then.
Here's the thing though, I still feel very angry whenever I see her at company social events. Luckily that is not very often, but it's often enough to get under my skin. She heard through the grapevine (we have some mutual friends) that I didn't like her and didn't want anything to do with her (I never went bashing her to any of those mutual friends, but if I was out with them and they suggested giving her a call to come out, I would ask them not to). Nonetheless, for a long time she would still come up to me at those mixers acting all friendly and complimentary towards me. I would literally pretend not to see her and walk away, because I got the feeling she was looking for a way back into our social circle and thought that kissing my ass would get her there. Finally she stopped, but now I hear that she is telling people she has no idea why I'm being so mean.
Here's where I would like some help. Is it really, really possible that she doesn't know why I don't like her? I have a lot of trouble imagining someone that emotionally dense, but maybe that is a trait of certain poorly-developed ESTJs? What do you guys think? Any advice on how to deal with her or with people like her in the future? What especially bothers me is that she seemed to think I was a doormat who could be manipulated with compliments.
One more question about ESTJ females, and lest you think I'm hating on that type, I assure you there are many ESTJ females who I know and love, including my fiance's sister and one of my favorite aunts. But I have noticed a pattern in a few of the ESTJ females at my fiance's job. Just like this girl who pissed me off, they seem willing to use sex appeal to try to advance in the company. Not all of the ESTJ women at his job are like this, of course, many are respectful and perfectly nice. But the ones who are seem to have no qualms about throwing themselves at a male superior, even if both parties are married, and I've heard about instances of adultery with two of them. All three who I've seen doing this are quite attractive, very outgoing, and demand a lot of attention. Has anyone else noticed a tendency in attractive ESTJ females to act in this manner at work? It surprises me because what I've read about ESTJs is that they are devoted to family and so it seems strange that these women would sacrifice their marriages in this way... Again, no disrespect to ESTJs, the majority of whom I've found to be very admirable people.
Also, any suggestions on how I can let go of my anger toward this girl, because I hate feeling like steam is coming out of my ears when I have to encounter her on occasion.
Thanks for your help! Sorry this is so long :o)