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Thread: INFJ Shame

  1. #1
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    Default INFJ Shame

    Shame. How has it manifested for other INFJs?

    At times I try to coverup my self-consciousness up by taking pride in my 'irregularities', but when I get in that depressive space, I feel such extreme shame. I tend to take things out on myself, mainly with my insane relationship to food. When other people hurt me, I hurt myself even more.

    I'm wondering about the role of intuition, the first few years of our lives and learning about ourselves in relation to the world. I gather that INFJs with high intuition (96-99% N) would have extreme shame issues...issues that would distance them from other people very early in their lives when they realize they aren't 'normal' like everyone else. Surely this discovery at 3, 4, 5 years old seemed to be a burden, because they weren't exactly sure how to verbalize it or even if they should talk about it. All they know is that it somehow made them feel alien, even in their own body.

    It's weird. I can go for years at attempting some sort of 'normalcy' (at least for me) then suddenly I'll get swept under to that place where I'm not sure I will recover again. My core self has been re-traumatized, and the shame I feel is overwhelming, mainly because I'm old enough that I should have mastered these feelings.

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    I can relate.
    "The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things." - Rainer Maria Rilke

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    Senior Member Dwigie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by felt up View Post
    Shame. How has it manifested for other INFJs?

    At times I try to coverup my self-consciousness up by taking pride in my 'irregularities', but when I get in that depressive space, I feel such extreme shame. I tend to take things out on myself, mainly with my insane relationship to food. When other people hurt me, I hurt myself even more.

    I'm wondering about the role of intuition, the first few years of our lives and learning about ourselves in relation to the world. I gather that INFJs with high intuition (96-99% N) would have extreme shame issues...issues that would distance them from other people very early in their lives when they realize they aren't 'normal' like everyone else. Surely this discovery at 3, 4, 5 years old seemed to be a burden, because they weren't exactly sure how to verbalize it or even if they should talk about it. All they know is that it somehow made them feel alien, even in their own body.

    It's weird. I can go for years at attempting some sort of 'normalcy' (at least for me) then suddenly I'll get swept under to that place where I'm not sure I will recover again. My core self has been re-traumatized, and the shame I feel is overwhelming, mainly because I'm old enough that I should have mastered these feelings.
    Same here my friend.
    It was my family that made me self-conscious,especially my mother.
    She somehow ingrained inside my brain, forever it seems (I'm desperately trying to tell myself it's not true but I can't shake it out of my head):
    You have a bad character, you're a real problem.You're the hardest kid I've had to raise.
    I still experience extreme shame and I even beat myself up over it.
    Yes I feel different from most people and have stopped trying to fit like I did as a child.(hey, I wanted some love too)
    I asked her a questions that "disturbed" me. I see myself as an evil person still and when I hurt people I feel :Oh crap, again?!
    Mom, I feel like somehow you never really paid as much attention to me as my brother.
    Mom:True, we spent more energy on your brother.

    Trust me, I can relate.
    Sometimes I feel like I'm "on Mercury"-

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    Senior Member Kestrel's Avatar
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    Yeah, being an INFJ can suck sometimes. I remember when I was quite young, many adult SJs especially thought I was too "spacey". My 2nd grade teacher placed me in the lowest level class when I moved on to 3rd grade because I "couldn't pay attention". I'm sure I would have been diagnosed with ADD or something if it was more recent. Luckily, I told my mom I wanted to stay with the friends I made in the "smart" class and she convinced the principal to move me back. You know what? It turned out I wasn't dumb and/or incapable of paying attention.

    How to get by as an INFJ? Be self-sufficient and self-motivating. Enjoy being appreciated when it shows up, but never expect it. Recognize your strengths and the fact they're almost surreal in nature. I've often felt like an anomaly, simply because I've met *very* few people with my focused intensity. Yeah, I have bad days and shoulder too much, but it's quite satisfying that I'm one of the few that can manage to do it. Be proud.

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    Are you an enneagram 4? I think 4s (which I am too) relate to this more than other types.

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    Thanks.

    I don't think my parents are cognizant of their propensity to shame as a solution to child rearing. They unknowingly made feel like there was something very wrong with me (although they didn't seem to have the same effect on my sibling.) It's amazing how these feelings can be re-triggered when I think I am on my way, and can totally derail me and send me hurtling down the path to self-destruction. I don't bounce back easily. It takes me years to pull myself up. Although I have the knowledge and intellect, it doesn't protect me from my inevitable downward spiral.

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    Quote Originally Posted by karenk View Post
    Are you an enneagram 4? I think 4s (which I am too) relate to this more than other types.
    Yes. Unfortunately.

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    Oh crap.
    I can relate. I'll answer from my own perspective, since I'm selfconcious about talking about a whole type, since I'm such a weirdo.

    Like Dwigie I feel that I have my mom ingrained inside my brain.
    And I do feel most of my shame has come from mom or dad. Guilting and using shame are a very valid raising methods in my family. Mom does them on purpose, dad just causes them when he has a tantrum.

    In me shame makes me hide things from others, or do stuff in secret. Or do things despite the fact that I'm feeling selfconcious or dislike them. Not mentioning things and some thoughts and likes. Thinking a lot before acting. I have this strange thought that it's shamefull to like feminine stuff, like make-up or doing my hair, liking skirts and higheels, so I never give hint of these to others.
    It manifests partly in the negative self image I have, and some perfectionistic tendencies. (Trying to be accepted through my works, doings, scores.)
    It's in the critique I give myself, the litte voice in the back of my head. And in my self control, so that I won't cause shame to anyone nor myself.

    I didn't spend much time around others of my age until 6-7 years old (mom stayed at home taking care of us that time), so maybe I didn't develope that understanding over being different quite as well as some did. Instead my mom made certain that she always pointed out the faws in my behavior and doing things. I remember some of the long talks that Ireceived, whenever we'd gone somewhere. I don't feel that I'm different, I feel that I do things and am wrong somehow. Which I'm trying to kick out of my brain now.

    When highly ashamed I take it out on myself, brate myself over it so much. Especially if I've hurt another person. Or possibly done something wrong.

    But I'm not ashamed of my personality.

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    Quote Originally Posted by sade View Post
    Oh crap.
    In me shame makes me hide things from others, or do stuff in secret. Or do things despite the fact that I'm feeling selfconcious or dislike them. Not mentioning things and some thoughts and likes. Thinking a lot before acting. I have this strange thought that it's shamefull to like feminine stuff, like make-up or doing my hair, liking skirts and higheels, so I never give hint of these to others.
    Sade, Karenk, enneagramically speaking, for INFJ4s, it doesn't surprise me that shame seems to manifest in the body. It seems that the body is the very thing we are trying to recover. We do have to become less in-tune with our feelings and master the body (the move from INFJ4 to INTJ/ISTJ1). But I'm wondering how the role of extreme intuition, spoils the move toward action and mobility? I sometimes think I were more S-oriented, I would be more attuned to the here-and-now. Stuff in the past and future wouldn't serve to demolish me so much.

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    Senior Member wedekit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by karenk View Post
    Are you an enneagram 4? I think 4s (which I am too) relate to this more than other types.
    4s with a social variant.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    Enneagram 4w5 social

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