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Thread: INFJ Shame

  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    Ha. So true, especially the "woooo" part.

    In an attempt to analyze why this happens I have come up with the following. The not being understood results from being inward, private, and not knowing how to (or desiring to) explain oneself to others. This is balanced with an underlying desire to be understood. These two things are not compatible and so one or the other must be given up if the goal is to arrive at peace about how others respond and think about oneself.
    True. To be understood means you might need to expose yourself...to leave no boundaries between you and others. I do throw up walls, slam doors, and retreat to my private domain too much to be truly understood, loved, and accepted for who I am. Yes this is my dilemma. It doesn't take very much to send me to that place.

  2. #22
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    ^ Not all walls need to be ripped down to make good friends, the ones that understand you, in my opinion at least. Some doors can be left somewhat open, a crack to peek inside and tell them that it's sensitive or so on.. But most need to be taken down, yes. Besides being private, rather silent and comfy alone, the fear of exposure also makes it hard to volunteer information to others, if you have it. Personally.. Those doors that I leave slighly open, I'm afraid they'll scare people away.
    Then again, I sense those who don't understand me. The long stares make it easy sometimes. :rolli:

    But sometimes you get nice surprices.
    I was shocked when I did a minor door slam on my best friend once, when I had a very very bad day. I just went to hide in my cave for.. 6 hours, while she was over at my place. And she didn't think anything of it, left me be and when I crawled out just said that I was having a bad day. But boy was I ashamed still.

  3. #23
    Senior Member Dwigie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sade View Post
    ^ Not all walls need to be ripped down to make good friends, the ones that understand you, in my opinion at least. Some doors can be left somewhat open, a crack to peek inside and tell them that it's sensitive or so on.. But most need to be taken down, yes. Besides being private, rather silent and comfy alone, the fear of exposure also makes it hard to volunteer information to others, if you have it. Personally.. Those doors that I leave slighly open, I'm afraid they'll scare people away.
    Then again, I sense those who don't understand me. The long stares make it easy sometimes. :rolli:

    But sometimes you get nice surprices.
    I was shocked when I did a minor door slam on my best friend once, when I had a very very bad day. I just went to hide in my cave for.. 6 hours, while she was over at my place. And she didn't think anything of it, left me be and when I crawled out just said that I was having a bad day. But boy was I ashamed still.
    My best friend is an isfp. She respects my privacy and is very patient, fun to be around. It's easy for us to let down our walls mutually...I still kept a few secrets but whatever, everyone has some.
    Sometimes I feel like I'm "on Mercury"-

  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by sade View Post
    ^ Not all walls need to be ripped down to make good friends, the ones that understand you, in my opinion at least. Some doors can be left somewhat open, a crack to peek inside and tell them that it's sensitive or so on.. But most need to be taken down, yes. Besides being private, rather silent and comfy alone, the fear of exposure also makes it hard to volunteer information to others, if you have it. Personally.. Those doors that I leave slighly open, I'm afraid they'll scare people away.
    Then again, I sense those who don't understand me. The long stares make it easy sometimes. :rolli:[/SIZE]
    That's nice Sade. I guess I'm feeling a lack of faith in humanity right now.

  5. #25
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    I'm curious. How many INFJs had preachy/shaming INTJ parenting?

  6. #26
    Senior Member Dwigie's Avatar
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    Nah, I have an isfj mom ...
    Sometimes I feel like I'm "on Mercury"-

  7. #27
    Senior Member wedekit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LindseyLadybug View Post
    BTW, how can I find out my enneagram?
    Well, for a quick test I recommend going here: Identifying Your Personality Type : The Wisdom of the Enneagram

    Scroll down about 3/4 of the page and there should be the "The Riso-Hudson QUESTSM." It's only two questions, so read the instructions carefully. If you pick a type that doesn't sound like you at all, I would consider glancing at type 4 and seeing if it fits you.

    I am hesitant to say this because I'm sure all those who are the exception to this "rule" will disagree... BUT it seems the majority (not all) of INFJs tend to be type 4s. I've also seen 1s and 9s, but those are in smaller percentages.

    This website has individual profiles for each of the types: The Sixteen Myers-Briggs Types

    Good luck!
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    Enneagram 4w5 social

  8. #28
    Senior Member StoryOfMyLife's Avatar
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    I often felt this way. My mother was the main culprit at making me feel like an 'outsider'. She often placed blame on me for things which weren't my fault and told me I was hard-headed, stubborn, a bad listener, and more or less made me feel like I was just a horrible child. I won't get into too many details, but I was often reprimanded for things I couldn't even begin to see as being 'wrong'. She also used to tell me that she didn't even know who I was- in other words, when she thought she knew me, she discovered she really had no idea. She knew my 'favorites' and sometimes behavior patterns, but when it came to knowing me as a person, my mother is/was clueless and I think that frustrated the hell out of her.

    I kept to myself when I was very small. I preferred playing alone until I reached a certain age and then would only play with family or friends whom I favored or felt I really liked. [In retrospect, I assume on some level I knew they understood me somehow]. I'm sort of the black sheep in our gaggle of grandchildren, too. My brother is probably the other one, though he isn't an INFJ [he isn't sure what type he is, but hasn't agreed with any of his results, so maybe he is one after all? ]. I also found that I just 'knew' things that were never taught to me. Kids at school seemed to shun me for reasons I never understood and I always knew I was not the same as they were. I was sensitive, brooding, and temperamental for a lot of my childhood and early adolescence because of it. I'm still trying to figure myself out though I've grown out of being too outwardly moody. It's something I save for when I'm alone so that I don't have to burden anybody else with my feelings.


    Quote Originally Posted by felt up View Post
    I'm curious. How many INFJs had preachy/shaming INTJ parenting?
    I wish I knew what my mother's type is. She's not an 'I' though, I know that much. If I had to guess, I'd say ExFP.. I'm indecisive on the 'S' or 'N' part. I'm still trying to figure her out, too. Definite E, definite F-- she's extroverted...but quite 'feely'...

    Quote Originally Posted by karenk View Post
    Are you an enneagram 4? I think 4s (which I am too) relate to this more than other types.
    Just did the enneagram test-- looks like I'm a 4w5, so I guess maybe it is a common '4' thing for this to happen?
    Don't hate me because you're beautiful.
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  9. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by felt up View Post
    I'm curious. How many INFJs had preachy/shaming INTJ parenting?
    ISTJ mom + INTP dad. Neither had that type of combination that you're asking. Dad did get preachy sometimes.

  10. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by felt up View Post
    Shame. How has it manifested for other INFJs?
    Feeling somehow different from others pretty much constitutes my earliest and strongest memories. Until the last few years or so I always struggled with that immediate flash of shame that comes from feeling you are different and *knowing* that the people you wish to understand you, may not as you want them to unless given time. But I realized that it was related to wanting to control how I'm perceived because of not being able to withstand feeling misunderstood. Painful.

    The way it manifests in me of late is that I really pick and choose who I want to reveal myself to and how. Most anyone is fine if I'm given enough time as I do love people for the most part. But if someone pushes too hard or wants to go too quickly into areas I'm not ready to, I stand my ground a bit better. IRL I don't feel the pressure of explaining myself the way I used to and it seems to cut off supply to that shame 'loop' for me.

    Quote Originally Posted by felt up View Post
    At times I try to coverup my self-consciousness up by taking pride in my 'irregularities', but when I get in that depressive space, I feel such extreme shame. I tend to take things out on myself, mainly with my insane relationship to food. When other people hurt me, I hurt myself even more.

    I'm wondering about the role of intuition, the first few years of our lives and learning about ourselves in relation to the world. I gather that INFJs with high intuition (96-99% N) would have extreme shame issues...issues that would distance them from other people very early in their lives when they realize they aren't 'normal' like everyone else. Surely this discovery at 3, 4, 5 years old seemed to be a burden, because they weren't exactly sure how to verbalize it or even if they should talk about it. All they know is that it somehow made them feel alien, even in their own body.

    It's weird. I can go for years at attempting some sort of 'normalcy' (at least for me) then suddenly I'll get swept under to that place where I'm not sure I will recover again. My core self has been re-traumatized, and the shame I feel is overwhelming, mainly because I'm old enough that I should have mastered these feelings.

    I'm Enneagram 4 and this all sounds so Enneagram 4. The advice given for personal growth for 4s has helped me out immensely.... (heh I found the enneagram by googling something like "emotional delayed reactions" "not feeling in my body"). For me it was about building strength, in my body and in my personal identity and not over analyzing everything.

    Quote Originally Posted by felt up View Post
    I'm curious. How many INFJs had preachy/shaming INTJ parenting?
    I had a deeply religious upbringing which wasn't all bad, I think it helped me to push the less desirable qualities of unhealthy Enneagram 4 away. But it definitely had me putting myself under the microscope and holding myself to near impossible standards which will deepen any tendency toward 'shame'.

    Anway the key for me was striking out on my own - trying, failing, trying again at things (doing so in private at first was key to building confidence). Also finding something that was mine, in my case a career where I can be creative and express myself freely. It has made a difference because it makes me feel 'strong' and that is something toxic feelings of shame rob you of.

    I think growing up feeling 'different' is the source of shame, but feeling different can be a gift sometimes because it allows you to be deeply receptive to many people a lot of others give up on or throw away. I'm sure it's why INFJ are drawn to being therapists. I try and focus on that a little as a benefit.

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