[NF] NFs and Letting go

[prplchknz]

She drives me nuts when she's here, but I always miss her when she's gone. It's like we do have fun and we are good friends, and I understand her need to get help. Can't I be a little selfish and say I wish she hadn't left? I know I do say some pretty mean stuff about her, but I realized if I'm able to rip someone apart and let their actions affect me then I do care for them. Most people I wouldn't be bothered by what they do, it's like once I'm emotionally invested in someone I'm attached and I have a hard time letting go, even if I know I need to. I just can't let go, it's not that simple, I do better with the person leaving me. I know this will be a bad trait if I ever date and if I'm ever in an abusive relationship.

So any other NFs have this problem? what is it about the people that repeatly hurt you cause you to stay? Is it low self-esteem, or is it something else. I know for me I see both the good and the bad in people and part of me hopes things will get better, but at the same time I don't expect them to. So if I have such low expectations for the other person, what is it that makes me stay? or you? I also I'm always aware of how much worse things could be so maybe that's why. I'm babbling sorry. Is it a maturity thing? when I mature more will I then be able to leave people easier? or will I always end up with the same type of self destructive people for friends?

sorry I made this all about me, but I really do want other NFs experiences to read about, so ignore the above 2 paragraphs (mostly) and tell me about your relationships and letting go, and why you think you do this.

 

[lane777]

Not low self esteem, just plain loyalty will keep me in a bad relationship.

Also, sometimes we take empathy too far: making excuses for the other person's poor behavior - did I provoke the bad behavior? Was their bad behavior justified in any way? It's not healthy. I think it's an F thing.

 

[Wild horses]

I have that dreadful problem of seeing the world and it's dog through rose tinted glasses... I can be treated really badly but as long as I can still see the good in someone I will accept it... I'm really good at letting go though. I do find however, that I am not that great in making the break myself I prefer if the other person does it for me...
(owch, just read the above and realised how falky it makes me sound)

 

[Rachelinpa]

So any other NFs have this problem? what is it about the people that repeatly hurt you cause you to stay?

It's the idealism. I highlight the good and ignore the bad to my own detriment.

I think the solution is to recognize the tendency. Also, to admit that we're not really benefiting the situation by playing the matryr and if anything, we're doing serious damage to our emotional health in the long run.

 

[Desperado44]

Well said by Lane.....and impressive that you recognize that at such a young age.

I have such a strong sense of loyalty...that I will openly defend someone that is in the wrong. I always take the under dog.

 

[jeeze]

A friend of mine recently told me that I self sabotage my relationships as to avoid any responsibility, then after the other has moved on I put her on a mantle and look back with a heavy soul as a child who loses a valued toy. I often only value a relationship after it's gone and enough time has passed for me to realize how deeply I cared for the person. I'm 31 and have had 4 intimate relationships, each of which I have ruined due to my handicap of finding too many faults in the now, and not seeing what a beautiful and delicate soul is loving back. Anyway, I'm having a hard time expressing myself at the moment so I will just stop.

 

[nomadic]

no i never have a hard time letting go, since I do what a lot of girls do, and move on and get in the next relationship. there's no reason why guys can't do the same. if u think the girl isn't doing the same thing, you are in for a nice surprise.

to this day, once me and an ex break up, i never look back. there's one exception to this rule...

in general, i think American media and mainstream society is pathetic when it comes to guys getting over ex-girlfriends. why the hell is there so much wallowing for guys? i can barely remember past real ex's. anything i learned with them is completely forgotten. of course, im sure it was painful at the time, adjusting, but i really forgot it. i strongly believe in trying to not be a shell of who you used to be, because thats not fair to the next person you are dating. many times, after a break up, i find myself reverting back to before I met them... listening to the same music that i listened to before them, thinking the same way as i did before I got with them. i remember how they smiled, thats about it. its weird, its like traveling back in time.

 

[cherchair]

NFs and Letting Go

Once I see potential in someone--even, maybe especially, if it's unrealizable--I'm hooked. I have to try to bring out what I see as a possibility in them. That, combined with loyalty, kept me in two bad marriages long after I should have left. You'd think I'd learn, and maybe I have, at least to a degree. In my current relationship (15 years), my partner did realize a lot of the potential I saw in her, but once the kids were raised and out on their own, she went right back to her old ways of workaholism. Loyalty keeps me from letting go of the relationship entirely, but I'm also moving on to another relationship that's more fulfilling to me (and, yes, I chose someone whose potential hooked me), so maybe I haven't learned anything, or haven't matured or whatever. I live with torn loyalties, unable to let go of either

 

[SillySapienne]

Once I see potential in someone--even, maybe especially, if it's unrealizable--I'm hooked. I have to try to bring out what I see as a possibility in them.

So guilty of this, though I have been making a conscious effort at *not* doing this, because, well, *everyone* has potential.

Also, NFs, beware of emotional vampires, please, they is the absolute worst!

:horor:

 

[Sniffles]

Oh yeah, I had this problem with that one girl. I can only say that putting as much distance between you and the person in question helps greatly. Also you need to understand that healing from such experiences do take time. You can't force a broken heart to heal, you have to take it one day at a time.

no i never have a hard time letting go, since I do what a lot of girls do, and move on and get in the next relationship. there's no reason why guys can't do the same. if u think the girl isn't doing the same thing, you are in for a nice surprise.

in general, i think American media and mainstream society is pathetic when it comes to guys getting over ex-girlfriends. why the hell is there so much wallowing for guys? i can barely remember past real ex's. anything i learned with them is completely forgotten.

I guess this proves the old saying of Women - last in, first out; Men - first in, last out.

 

[Anja]

I put problematic people "on hold" but never shut the door. Never.

This possibility thing is aways there and people are in constant flux. Doesn't matter if I can see the potential there or not because I have no plans for how they should or could change to better suit me.

Life throws surprises our way and I stay watchful for them.

 

[The Chase]

Once I see potential in someone--even, maybe especially, if it's unrealizable--I'm hooked.

AMEN

It is amazing how a person's potential can blind me to their actual.

 

[kiddykat]

Only person I had a hard time letting go of was an ENFP ex. It was my first true mature relationship. I was pretty naiive at that time. I still think of him every now and then, but mostly to wish him luck & hope he's okay, in spirit.

From the online description (4get the name of the website- Personality Page?), it says NFs have a hard time letting go, I think it tends to be true when we're not as jaded from life experiences as much. We hold onto this idealism, that anything/everything in the romance is so great that we'll always stay in this perpetual bliss, so we can't afford to let go. But, any type can get this way, actually. Not that it's bad. In fact, it's refreshing, but it can borderline co-dependency, and is unhealthy in abusive relationships.

My last ex- ENTP, I was able to let go real easily. Even after being with him for close to 2 years, it was not hard for me to let go. So, I think it depends on the individual persons involved, the shared experiences (heart-to-heart laughter, fun, *quality* of relationship) and the perception that that person holds onto their partners which determines whether or not it's easy to let go.

As far as type goes, I dated an INTJ who didn't easily let go. I really think it depends on each person. Even the MOST rational person acts most irrational when in love. I also think it's rare that we often truly fall in love. Infatuation maybe- not love- b/c raw, deep, emotional chemistry mutually felt between 2 people doesn't come that often. It's the little idiosyncrasies that matter most.

 

[nomadic]

I guess this proves the old saying of Women - last in, first out; Men - first in, last out.

yeah... but seriously. I think its too old fashioned to think that way. Its the same as a woman gasping that its the 1950's in the ways they were mad about.

I don't think its as bad economically/politically before for women, to make such a saying necessary as a make up thing... unless there really is that gentlemen/lady hearted thing between them like in the nostalgia flicks, then its a different story outside of that mainstream thought gap. oh yeah, there needs to be more emotional words in english too...

i am totally stoned rambling again... lolz

 

[nolla]

So any other NFs have this problem? what is it about the people that repeatly hurt you cause you to stay? Is it low self-esteem, or is it something else. I know for me I see both the good and the bad in people and part of me hopes things will get better, but at the same time I don't expect them to. So if I have such low expectations for the other person, what is it that makes me stay? or you? I also I'm always aware of how much worse things could be so maybe that's why. I'm babbling sorry. Is it a maturity thing? when I mature more will I then be able to leave people easier? or will I always end up with the same type of self destructive people for friends?

It's funny that what you are is often what you get. At least for me it has been that way. It seems like I attract exactly the type of people who are messed up in the same ways as I am. This becomes irritating and it never lasts for long. But after it's over, I can usually see the pattern and see that it couldn't work anymore because I changed.

It has been hard to let go and I always believed that I could somehow help them. Well, I couldn't. Now I'm in a different mindset and stopped actively looking for anything long-term, so it's not too bad. I guess I don't want to have that perfect image of a relationship haunting me when I meet someone.. Have to keep open-minded, since I don't believe there's many people out there who can tolerate me, or who I can tolerate in the long run.

I sound like a cynic, maybe. But the thing is, as someone pointed out, that the media has created a huge myth around romance and it's not easy to not be obsessed about wanting all of those things. A bit like it is not easy not to want that bigger house or a bigger car.

 

[CzeCze]

Once I see potential in someone--even, maybe especially, if it's unrealizable--I'm hooked. I have to try to bring out what I see as a possibility in them.

I use the the analogy of a frog being boiled alived in a pot of water because they were too daft to jump out as the water got hotter. But, the end is so gradual the frog doesn't know better.

Such is a bad relationship to an ENFP.

I hold onto the initial good feelings, the knowledge that this person does care for me in some way or shape or form, and that keeps me plugging away at that potential. Eternal optimist in me!

I've gotten much better at processing more thoroughly and more quickly, but really, intellectually knowing something and having certain principles that you live by (being emotionally strong, doing the right things for yourself, not being taken advantage of or giving into weakness) - that doesn't change how you feel.

I also use the analogy - I'm the kind of person who stays on the train until the very last stop. Regardless of how crappy the scenery.

I will say though, in bad relationships, the intensity does at least soothe my nerve endings. I need a lot of feedback in my emotional loop. I guess a part of me (and no, this isn't healthy) doesn't care if it's positive or negative feedback, I need an outlet and a source of emotional connection/stimulation and that someone "cares" for me - negative or positive.

I've gotten a lot better and had more experience to know now what healthy love and relationships are compared to obsession, possessiveness, etc. etc. etc.

I'm an emotional and intimacy junkie.

Having said all that, once I let go, I'm gone. *poof* I process thoroughly, to the bone, and I cut things if not quick, then for good. Resolution is a beautiful thing and I take great personal satisfaction to be able to pack things in neat little boxes and pack them away in the past, where they belong.

 

[janey_girl]

Once I see potential in someone--even, maybe especially, if it's unrealizable--I'm hooked. I have to try to bring out what I see as a possibility in them. That, combined with loyalty, kept me in two bad marriages long after I should have left. You'd think I'd learn, and maybe I have, at least to a degree. In my current relationship (15 years), my partner did realize a lot of the potential I saw in her, but once the kids were raised and out on their own, she went right back to her old ways of workaholism. Loyalty keeps me from letting go of the relationship entirely, but I'm also moving on to another relationship that's more fulfilling to me (and, yes, I chose someone whose potential hooked me), so maybe I haven't learned anything, or haven't matured or whatever. I live with torn loyalties, unable to let go of either

This is me to a tee.... I see the potential and if they have just the right support they will achieve it... Again - 2 failed marriages! Didn't get out when I should have, hung in there - hoping... I think I'm doing the same now - an ISTP who is showing me lots of different and fun things BUT there's the rollercoaster and sometimes not the support I need... He intrigues me too much to simply walk away....

 

[Laurie]

This is so true. I don't know what makes it so hard. I have the idea that maybe I put so much into friendships/relationships that it makes it seem to have so much less worth if it ends. I will hang on way too long.

 

[janey_girl]

This is so true. I don't know what makes it so hard. I have the idea that maybe I put so much into friendships/relationships that it makes it seem to have so much less worth if it ends. I will hang on way too long.

I give them the never ending benefit of the doubt... Seeing the good and trying to accept the bad. I don't think it's a bad thing though - I mean at least when it is over you know you've given it more than your best shot....

 

[Biaxident]

I give them the never ending benefit of the doubt... Seeing the good and trying to accept the bad. I don't think it's a bad thing though - I mean at least when it is over you know you've given it more than your best shot....