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  1. #11
    Senior Member Anja's Avatar
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    I put problematic people "on hold" but never shut the door. Never.

    This possibility thing is aways there and people are in constant flux. Doesn't matter if I can see the potential there or not because I have no plans for how they should or could change to better suit me.

    Life throws surprises our way and I stay watchful for them.
    "No ray of sunshine is ever lost, but the green which it awakes into existence needs time to sprout, and it is not always granted to the sower to see the harvest. All work that is worth anything is done in faith." - Albert Schweitzer

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by cherchair View Post
    Once I see potential in someone--even, maybe especially, if it's unrealizable--I'm hooked.
    AMEN

    It is amazing how a person's potential can blind me to their actual.

  3. #13
    movin melodies kiddykat's Avatar
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    Only person I had a hard time letting go of was an ENFP ex. It was my first true mature relationship. I was pretty naiive at that time. I still think of him every now and then, but mostly to wish him luck & hope he's okay, in spirit.

    From the online description (4get the name of the website- Personality Page?), it says NFs have a hard time letting go, I think it tends to be true when we're not as jaded from life experiences as much. We hold onto this idealism, that anything/everything in the romance is so great that we'll always stay in this perpetual bliss, so we can't afford to let go. But, any type can get this way, actually. Not that it's bad. In fact, it's refreshing, but it can borderline co-dependency, and is unhealthy in abusive relationships.

    My last ex- ENTP, I was able to let go real easily. Even after being with him for close to 2 years, it was not hard for me to let go. So, I think it depends on the individual persons involved, the shared experiences (heart-to-heart laughter, fun, *quality* of relationship) and the perception that that person holds onto their partners which determines whether or not it's easy to let go.

    As far as type goes, I dated an INTJ who didn't easily let go. I really think it depends on each person. Even the MOST rational person acts most irrational when in love. I also think it's rare that we often truly fall in love. Infatuation maybe- not love- b/c raw, deep, emotional chemistry mutually felt between 2 people doesn't come that often. It's the little idiosyncrasies that matter most.

  4. #14
    mountain surfing nomadic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Peguy View Post
    I guess this proves the old saying of Women - last in, first out; Men - first in, last out.
    yeah... but seriously. I think its too old fashioned to think that way. Its the same as a woman gasping that its the 1950's in the ways they were mad about.

    I don't think its as bad economically/politically before for women, to make such a saying necessary as a make up thing... unless there really is that gentlemen/lady hearted thing between them like in the nostalgia flicks, then its a different story outside of that mainstream thought gap. oh yeah, there needs to be more emotional words in english too...

    i am totally stoned rambling again... lolz

  5. #15
    Senor Membrane
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    Quote Originally Posted by prplchknz View Post
    So any other NFs have this problem? what is it about the people that repeatly hurt you cause you to stay? Is it low self-esteem, or is it something else. I know for me I see both the good and the bad in people and part of me hopes things will get better, but at the same time I don't expect them to. So if I have such low expectations for the other person, what is it that makes me stay? or you? I also I'm always aware of how much worse things could be so maybe that's why. I'm babbling sorry. Is it a maturity thing? when I mature more will I then be able to leave people easier? or will I always end up with the same type of self destructive people for friends?
    It's funny that what you are is often what you get. At least for me it has been that way. It seems like I attract exactly the type of people who are messed up in the same ways as I am. This becomes irritating and it never lasts for long. But after it's over, I can usually see the pattern and see that it couldn't work anymore because I changed.

    It has been hard to let go and I always believed that I could somehow help them. Well, I couldn't. Now I'm in a different mindset and stopped actively looking for anything long-term, so it's not too bad. I guess I don't want to have that perfect image of a relationship haunting me when I meet someone.. Have to keep open-minded, since I don't believe there's many people out there who can tolerate me, or who I can tolerate in the long run.

    I sound like a cynic, maybe. But the thing is, as someone pointed out, that the media has created a huge myth around romance and it's not easy to not be obsessed about wanting all of those things. A bit like it is not easy not to want that bigger house or a bigger car.

  6. #16
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cherchair View Post
    Once I see potential in someone--even, maybe especially, if it's unrealizable--I'm hooked. I have to try to bring out what I see as a possibility in them.


    I use the the analogy of a frog being boiled alived in a pot of water because they were too daft to jump out as the water got hotter. But, the end is so gradual the frog doesn't know better.

    Such is a bad relationship to an ENFP.

    I hold onto the initial good feelings, the knowledge that this person does care for me in some way or shape or form, and that keeps me plugging away at that potential. Eternal optimist in me!

    I've gotten much better at processing more thoroughly and more quickly, but really, intellectually knowing something and having certain principles that you live by (being emotionally strong, doing the right things for yourself, not being taken advantage of or giving into weakness) - that doesn't change how you feel.

    I also use the analogy - I'm the kind of person who stays on the train until the very last stop. Regardless of how crappy the scenery.

    I will say though, in bad relationships, the intensity does at least soothe my nerve endings. I need a lot of feedback in my emotional loop. I guess a part of me (and no, this isn't healthy) doesn't care if it's positive or negative feedback, I need an outlet and a source of emotional connection/stimulation and that someone "cares" for me - negative or positive.

    I've gotten a lot better and had more experience to know now what healthy love and relationships are compared to obsession, possessiveness, etc. etc. etc.

    I'm an emotional and intimacy junkie.

    Having said all that, once I let go, I'm gone. *poof* I process thoroughly, to the bone, and I cut things if not quick, then for good. Resolution is a beautiful thing and I take great personal satisfaction to be able to pack things in neat little boxes and pack them away in the past, where they belong.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux

    Johari/Nohari

  7. #17
    Member janey_girl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cherchair View Post
    Once I see potential in someone--even, maybe especially, if it's unrealizable--I'm hooked. I have to try to bring out what I see as a possibility in them. That, combined with loyalty, kept me in two bad marriages long after I should have left. You'd think I'd learn, and maybe I have, at least to a degree. In my current relationship (15 years), my partner did realize a lot of the potential I saw in her, but once the kids were raised and out on their own, she went right back to her old ways of workaholism. Loyalty keeps me from letting go of the relationship entirely, but I'm also moving on to another relationship that's more fulfilling to me (and, yes, I chose someone whose potential hooked me), so maybe I haven't learned anything, or haven't matured or whatever. I live with torn loyalties, unable to let go of either
    This is me to a tee.... I see the potential and if they have just the right support they will achieve it... Again - 2 failed marriages! Didn't get out when I should have, hung in there - hoping... I think I'm doing the same now - an ISTP who is showing me lots of different and fun things BUT there's the rollercoaster and sometimes not the support I need... He intrigues me too much to simply walk away....

  8. #18
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    This is so true. I don't know what makes it so hard. I have the idea that maybe I put so much into friendships/relationships that it makes it seem to have so much less worth if it ends. I will hang on way too long.

  9. #19
    Member janey_girl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elaur View Post
    This is so true. I don't know what makes it so hard. I have the idea that maybe I put so much into friendships/relationships that it makes it seem to have so much less worth if it ends. I will hang on way too long.
    I give them the never ending benefit of the doubt... Seeing the good and trying to accept the bad. I don't think it's a bad thing though - I mean at least when it is over you know you've given it more than your best shot....

  10. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by janey_girl View Post
    I give them the never ending benefit of the doubt... Seeing the good and trying to accept the bad. I don't think it's a bad thing though - I mean at least when it is over you know you've given it more than your best shot....

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