[ENFP] ENFP:s - do you go fishing...

[BlownAway]

...for compliments? And how do you stop it??

Please help!!! This drives me crazy..

At first, when I read about my type I agreed with everything except the part "ENFP:s are known to go fishing for compliments". And my friend said "Bah!! That's what you're doing constantly!". And...she's right..but I can't control myself.. All the time the hook is out there, hoping to get some appreciation, some compliments.. And the worst thing is, I just hate this behaviour in others..so why can't I stop it??

All suggestions are welcome!

 

[King sns]

I do that too... I have an ENFP friend when we're together we just praise each other constantly. Its terribly annoying for others around us I'm sure...so i can't give any suggestions...

you have a great avatar by the way, very pretty! all the people in sweden are beautiful!! your post is so articulate!.

haha.

 

[Amargith]

Yes, unfortunately, we like being liked so much, this is part of what we do. For me, it happens mostly when I feel insecure about something and want to know that a) I'm on the right track, and the logic that I'm following is correct, b) I'm doing the right thing, c) people aren't cross with me.

Either catch yourself in the act and bite your tongue, and I'm not saying I succeed at this, or learn to dress it in a way that people don't realize you're fishing
Unfortunately, there are some smart people out there who will always recognize it

Either way, you can work on it, sure, but don't beat yourself to a pulp over it, as it is a part of who you are.

 

[BlownAway]

I do that too... I have an ENFP friend when we're together we just praise each other constantly. Its terribly annoying for others around us I'm sure...so i can't give any suggestions...

you have a great avatar by the way, very pretty! all the people in sweden are beautiful!! your post is so articulate!.

haha.

Haha, thanks for the compliments !

And of course..it's a part of the ENFP-nature.. So maybe I should try to forgive myself instead and accept it as a part of me..

I have observed though that types with Te as dominant or secondary process, trigger this behaviour most. These encounters usually end up with me screaming "Is there ANYTHING good about me at all????!" Haha

 

[Chris_in_Orbit]

Well...ENFPs are pretty awesome, why would you need someone to validate this for you?

 

[The Third Rider]

Well the NF forum looks hijacked by ENFPs really so........

 

[Amargith]

Well the NF forum looks hijacked by ENFPs really so........

Feel free to do some hijacking of your own I think there are plenty of people dying to get to know your type better.


As for the topic of this thread:

I dunno about others here, but I haven't heard anything else in my youth but 'you should really learn to adapt', and 'maybe if you weren't so different', or 'do you have to so stubborn about everything, why can't you just be like others' from my direct environment. I know those people meant well, but that, paired with the need to be liked, wrecked havoc on my self-esteem. I'm still repairing the damage, and that requires validation

And, seeing as I was always considered so weird and cooky, I realize that my perspectives on the world and my 'logic' (and I use the term loosely) aren't always so logical to others so I have a need to doublecheck that I'm understanding them or they are understanding me, and that they do not interpret my actions and words wrongly.

Give me another method, and I'll gladly stop fishing for compliments

 

[Chris_in_Orbit]

If the compliments are helping then go for it... but are they really doing anything for you in the long run?

 

[Amargith]

they help me reevalute how to approach things, sometimes

 

[Lady_X]

i think it has something to do with just treating people the way you want to be treated...i think we see all these great qualities in other people and tell them about it...because we know that it feels good to be understood and appreciated...so when others don't do it...we think wow...they don't think we're as cool as we think they are...or something like that...but we need to remember that other people just see things differently

i actually don't feel like i fish for compliments...but i think it's definitely one of the ways that makes me feel most loved...probably because my parents were so much that way??

i don't know...but try not to take it personally when others don't it's just not everyone's style...doesn't mean you're not super cool...and beautiful...and perfect...and just so much fun to talk to

 

[Amargith]

That's a great way to see it, and it is also one of the reasons I'm here, to learn how other types see things

 

[SillySapienne]

Fishing for compliments is not really my thing.

It was my thing when I was a lot younger, (I would fish for compliments from adults/teachers).

However, I do appreciate being appreciated, very much.

 

[phoenix13]

I used to... this is bizzare, but approx. 1.5 years ago I became fairly confident without compliments. It was spontaneous and I can't explain why.

I think in part, a little compliment goes a looooooong way, so I don't need them very often.

 

[Twixt]

Yeah I do that sometimes, but usually its just when I'm unsure of things, for example when i'm unsure of: my logic, my thought processes, my moral values, the way i'm treating someone, the way i'm going about something, how a person is reacting to me (what they think/feel about me)... etc. As Amargith said,

I have a need to doublecheck that I'm understanding them or they are understanding me, and that they do not interpret my actions and words wrongly.

So 'fishing' can help me ensure that we're on the same page and there's NO MISCOMMUNICATION (ugh i hate that).

I do this 'fishing for compliments' thing (though thats not actually how i'd put it... i'd say more like, hinting for affirmation) to check if, as mentioned on this thread already, I'm "on the right track". If i'm doing something wrong, i want to know it so i can correct it. I don't really care if its a hurtful criticism or whatever, i just want to know so i can change things for the better.
After all, being unemotional, rational and more focussed on the task at hand is actually very beneficial I've found. Especially when dealing with other Thinking types. Its not that they have something against you personally (most of the time anyway), its just that that's not how they function. Introverts too. I don't think they go round giving strokes to everyone, and just because i don't receive a verbal one from them doesn't mean I'm unappreciated or disliked.

That said, I do enjoy being appreciated of course. I enjoy verbal affirmation, but that's probably cause i give it out so often. I think it has something to do with 'love languages'? You know, that 'gifts' or 'quality time' or 'helping deeds' or whatever that thing is?

Anyway, I personally think verbal affirmation one of the easiest ways to show appreciation for someone. Though of course it can be argued the other way that "Words are cheap". But i think it takes some courage to step out and ACTUALLY SAY OUT LOUD that you appreciate something/someone.

I try to avoid this 'fishing for compliments' thing though because it makes one WAAY too reliant on one's external environment.

 

[Amargith]

Hear hear!

 

[BlueScreen]

I third that. Affirmation is more the goal rather than compliments. We need it to have confidence in our thought process and also in the line of communication. And we feel good when we know we are on the right track.

 

[soleil]

I third that. Affirmation is more the goal rather than compliments. We need it to have confidence in our thought process and also in the line of communication. And we feel good when we know we are on the right track.

truth.com!

On top of that, I think my issues with this goes a little deeper. I have never felt loved growing up and was neglected as a child. When my parents were around, I felt like a burden, punching bag, and a personal assistant to them. Sometimes I feel the need to get reassurance just to know that I'm "good enough". I really hate this about myself. I don't do it regularly and not with people I don't know, but I have this feeling of worthlessness often.

 

[BlownAway]

truth.com!

On top of that, I think my issues with this goes a little deeper. I have never felt loved growing up and was neglected as a child. When my parents were around, I felt like a burden, punching bag, and a personal assistant to them. Sometimes I feel the need to get reassurance just to know that I'm "good enough". I really hate this about myself. I don't do it regularly and not with people I don't know, but I have this feeling of worthlessness often.

I had issues like this with my parents when growing up too..never felt loved and was very different from my SJ-parents. They didn't understand me and I grew up "in my own world". As an adult I've felt the need to repair this, to get appreciation, compliments, reassurance from others.. I don't know, maybe this is not at all related to type, more to what has happened to you as a child? Some of you ENFP:s here seem very cool and "home" with yourselves. So maybe it's more related to childhood and if you felt loved as a child.

I also have a feeling of worthlessness pretty often and I know compliments is just like temporary band-aids.. Well, well..can't change the past, only the future..

 

[Lady_X]

^^^ that makes sense babe...and it kinda breaks my heart...i'm sorry you feel that way and i hope you find people/someone who can love on ya like that.

i have always felt pretty self assure and i do think it's because my parents never criticized me and just made me feel like everything i did was amazing and perfect...but...in a way...it was an odd realization to grow up and find that just being you wasn't quite as impressive to other people...haha

but i think i just hold a high opinion of everyone...including myself...and realize everyone has their own method of expressing themselves...so...i think that's the important bit...just knowing not to take it personal and try to own your own feelings...if that makes sense.

 

[mlittrell]

i do from time to time