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  1. #21
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Desperado44 View Post
    YES YES YES!!!!

    I have it BAD....and I went to therapy to figure out WHY. I will ALWAYS find the girl that 'needs' me in a crowd. I'm never attracted to the ones that don't.......and I am so sick of it.

    That is amazing that you clued into that.....
    Maybe not so much.

    When I was in college I'd find some pretty warped people and play therapist, partially to fed my ego and partially because I thought I could help. I was usually totally over my head and nothing I could really do anything about. I wouldn't necessarily say I sought them out, but after a few years I did begin to wonder why half of my friends I was nursemaid to. I remember one of my old suite mates told me once "you're like my mama bear." That comment really disgusted me and I still don't know completely why. Well I do sort of know why in retrospect because I felt matronly and old and parental and I was barely 21. And like I said it fed my ego because I felt like I was really getting into someone and I liked people heeding my words so carefully and asking me what I thought they should do like I was an oracle or something. There was a little powertripping involved in it.

    I'm not saying I'm far past that point, but I've definitely chilled with making myself so available for therapy with people and finding people that I have more reciprocity with. It is nice to have people see that in you though. When my coworker I was having problems with last year came up to me when she was about to have her baby and started sharing her anxieties and fears about the impending birth of her baby I did feel flattered. That was completely out of character of her (she's an ESTP who's always blustering and grandstanding everywhere), but then again she did have hormones coursing through her body so I don't know how seriously to take it.

    I'm trying to get some evidence for some thoughts I have about FJ/FJ relationships (platonic or otherwise) because I'm trying to figure out if what people refer to needy/clingy/dependent are "normal" FJ personality traits of if it's something more.

    Quote Originally Posted by heart View Post
    I saw this Oprah episode with a mircobiologist, there's fecal matter everywhere!
    I also thought about my paranoid delusion of a two foot tapeworm living in my intestines that will burst from my body at any minute but I decided to go with the more lighthearted one.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  2. #22
    Senior Member Desperado44's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    Maybe not so much.

    When I was in college I'd find some pretty warped people and play therapist, partially to fed my ego and partially because I thought I could help. I was usually totally over my head and nothing I could really do anything about. I wouldn't necessarily say I sought them out, but after a few years I did begin to wonder why half of my friends I was nursemaid to. I remember one of my old suite mates told me once "you're like my mama bear." That comment really disgusted me and I still don't know completely why. Well I do sort of know why in retrospect because I felt matronly and old and parental and I was barely 21. And like I said it fed my ego because I felt like I was really getting into someone and I liked people heeding my words so carefully and asking me what I thought they should do like I was an oracle or something. There was a little powertripping involved in it.

    I'm not saying I'm far past that point, but I've definitely chilled with making myself so available for therapy with people and finding people that I have more reciprocity with. It is nice to have people see that in you though. When my coworker I was having problems with last year came up to me when she was about to have her baby and started sharing her anxieties and fears about the impending birth of her baby I did feel flattered. That was completely out of character of her (she's an ESTP who's always blustering and grandstanding everywhere), but then again she did have hormones coursing through her body so I don't know how seriously to take it.

    I'm trying to get some evidence for some thoughts I have about FJ/FJ relationships (platonic or otherwise) because I'm trying to figure out if what people refer to needy/clingy/dependent are "normal" FJ personality traits of if it's something more.



    I also thought about my paranoid delusion of a two foot tapeworm living in my intestines that will burst from my body at any minute but I decided to go with the more lighthearted one.
    WOW....great stuff...thank you for sharing that. Yes, I have led a parallel life to yours.....I've experienced the same dynamic.

    I would be FASCINATED to see what you find about FJ/FJ relationships!!
    I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. --- Maya Angelou

  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Desperado44 View Post
    When you enter a room of 50 people and within minutes know the most vulnerable person in the crowd.

    When you cannot understand how anyone can overlook the nuances of compassion and empathy.

    When you take care of others more than yourself.

    When you grow resentful from all the giving you do; without any in return.
    I'm curious about this last point. If you always seek out the person in the room who needs you, then why are you resentful when they don't give back much in return? It seems as though someone who needs attention may not have much to offer you in return.

    Is that a fair question?
    "All that you've loved is all you own." Tom Waits

  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lisa73 View Post
    I'm curious about this last point. If you always seek out the person in the room who needs you, then why are you resentful when they don't give back much in return? It seems as though someone who needs attention may not have much to offer you in return.

    Is that a fair question?
    *whispers* You're talking to people who prefer F to T. Tread lightly!

  5. #25
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    You know you are dealing with an ENFJ when:

    He opens his arms for a hug before you're all the way in the door.

    He takes one look at you and asks what's bothering you (of course he's the only one who could tell anything was awry at all)

    You can't stay mad at him (even in jest) because it hurts him too much

  6. #26
    On a mission Usehername's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lisa73 View Post
    I'm curious about this last point. If you always seek out the person in the room who needs you, then why are you resentful when they don't give back much in return? It seems as though someone who needs attention may not have much to offer you in return.

    Is that a fair question?
    He said you "know." He didn't say he was seeking them out.

    Much like I would "know" the colour of the walls in the room. Just becuase I perceived it doesn't mean I was seeking it out.
    *You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
    *Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.
    C.S. Lewis

  7. #27
    Senior Member Desperado44's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lisa73 View Post
    I'm curious about this last point. If you always seek out the person in the room who needs you, then why are you resentful when they don't give back much in return? It seems as though someone who needs attention may not have much to offer you in return.

    Is that a fair question?
    I KNOW who the person(s) is or are.....but I don't necessarily seek them out.

    Frankly, its difficult to have a personality that wants to give.....you never know if the other person is up for it or can give you anything back......so end up with a ton of trial and error and you're usually very disappointed.......despite open communication.
    I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. --- Maya Angelou

  8. #28
    Member Sunshine8's Avatar
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    [/QUOTE]Frankly, its difficult to have a personality that wants to give.....you never know if the other person is up for it or can give you anything back......so end up with a ton of trial and error and you're usually very disappointed.......despite open communication.[/QUOTE]

    Totally agree here - I have read tons of books on open communication with others, but I am realising that perhaps I just need to have more open communication with myself - and bloody listen to my intuition as soon as I start wanting to take care of a potential partner or I think 'O-Ow'...

    Once I care about someone it's hard to see the forest for the twigs I am stabbing myself with because I am not a tree.



    I don't think there is a risk of the average ENFJ missing the opportunity to explore a romantic possibility - more likely a risk of taking on someone else's s&*^t and being blamed for it all in the end when you can't save them...
    Last edited by Sunshine8; 11-12-2008 at 01:11 AM. Reason: quote didn't work
    Sunshine8

    'A diplomat... is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.'
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  9. #29
    Senior Member Desperado44's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sunshine8 View Post

    I don't think there is a risk of the average ENFJ missing the opportunity to explore a romantic possibility - more likely a risk of taking on someone else's s&*^t and being blamed for it all in the end when you can't save them...
    Oh boy....you nailed it there....that my be the THEME of every relationship I've ever had......

    I'm going to start playing the Papa Roach song SCARS any moment...
    I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. --- Maya Angelou

  10. #30
    Senior Member The Third Rider's Avatar
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    Used to ask myself why I only attracted people who had issues as well. I guess is that we can be too nurshuring and we just walk around trying to save poeple but in return we (or atleast on my case) never get anything back in return. Not that this is the only reason that you help people but after a while you wonder if its even worth it anymore or if you are going too far trying to help others. I personally have promised myself to not try to get as involved as I used to, sometimes me trying to help things have gotten me in messes that I should have never been in.
    ENFJ 3W4

    If you read this I am sorry to say that you just lost 5 seconds of your life that you wont be getting back.*

    *Actual time may vary.

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