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  1. #1
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    Default Advice for my relationship with my son

    I think I've already screwed up by not posting on the right thread. Sorry.

    I wanted to ask for advice on how best to get along with my INTJ adult son. As an INFJ I seem to drive him nuts.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Nillerz's Avatar
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    Buy him a PLANNER.

  3. #3
    Sniffles
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    Welcome, it's always nice to see more INFJs here.

    Quote Originally Posted by vontrapped View Post
    I wanted to ask for advice on how best to get along with my INTJ adult son.
    Tasering him should do the trick.

  4. #4
    It's always something... PuddleRiver's Avatar
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    Hi there Welcome. I don't know enough about INTJs to help you but there are others here who probably could.
    "In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay one invincible summer."
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    A Christian's life may be the only Bible some people ever read.
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    "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them" Maya Angelou.
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    I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ" Gandhi
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  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nillerz View Post
    Buy him a PLANNER.
    What's a PLANNER? Will it help bridge the gap between my overdeveloped emotions and his enormous brain?

  6. #6
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    What's the problem? How old is see? Why aren't you getting along as well as you think you can? Need more info pls.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThatsWhatHeSaid View Post
    What's the problem? How old is see? Why aren't you getting along as well as you think you can? Need more info pls.
    Sorry to double post.

    As a little boy he was a delight, very affectionate and full of fun and we seemed to get along very well indeed.

    . As he 's grown older, he's now 34 with three children, he appears all intellect ( very clever, my boy, just completed his PhD ) and speaks/writes to me as if giving a lecture.

    When I say "You never ask me anything" he replies "That's because I know you'll always tell me what you need me to know" which of course is perfectly true but there's just no small, easy stuff between us any more. He states something once , according to him, never needs repeating.

    I, on the other hand, probably have far too much small talk and am probably repetitive but it only appears to be a problem with him. He makes me nervous but I love him.

    He would be absolutely horrified at the thought of spilling all this emotional stuff to anyone least of all a group of people I've never met.

    Am I a leaky bucket or what?

  8. #8
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by vontrapped View Post
    Sorry to double post.

    As a little boy he was a delight, very affectionate and full of fun and we seemed to get along very well indeed.

    . As he 's grown older, he's now 34 with three children, he appears all intellect ( very clever, my boy, just completed his PhD ) and speaks/writes to me as if giving a lecture.

    When I say "You never ask me anything" he replies "That's because I know you'll always tell me what you need me to know" which of course is perfectly true but there's just no small, easy stuff between us any more. He states something once , according to him, never needs repeating.

    I, on the other hand, probably have far too much small talk and am probably repetitive but it only appears to be a problem with him. He makes me nervous but I love him.

    He would be absolutely horrified at the thought of spilling all this emotional stuff to anyone least of all a group of people I've never met.

    Am I a leaky bucket or what?
    My mom and I have this kind of relationship. In fact, I think it's a common male/female thing. She wants to "chat" and I just want to get the fact and get off the phone. Your being nervous on the phone makes me feel like he's irritable and reprimands you for trying to connect to him. I resent it with my mom not being I don't like connecting, but I don't like being forced to connect like that. I see it as needy and as requiring me to respond and connect. I don't like forcing myself to feel ANYTHING, even connection. I prefer it to be natural. It's the INT side of me coming out, you could say. Maybe he's the same way.

    What I always tell my mom (and I'm suggesting you try it) is to put down the need to connect for a little while and just let things be. If you have something to say, say it, but let him start to feel like he doesn't HAVE to connect to you when he talks to you. Be yourself, and find your own interests. If he can add input, go for it and ask him, but don't just ask him to make conversation, because he'll (it sounds like) notice it right away. Practice genuine communication for a while and see where it gets you. I would guess that the more freedom you give him, the more comfortable he'll be. But you want to really let go for a while, if you can, not just pretend.

    I'm going to rename this thread, otherwise you won't get more than 10-20 responses. (Unless you post a hot pic as your avatar.) If you'd like it changed back, let me know. If you want to respond to this post, by all means. If I can help, I will.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Bella's Avatar
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    sorry, but you are a woman?
    yesiknowimamiserablegrouchnowgoawayovmeleor

    It's Mizzz ST, thank you...

  10. #10
    On a mission Usehername's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bella View Post
    sorry, but you are a woman?
    Biography
    Mother of an adult son, three grandchildren, great partner.
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    I'm going to assume you're a reasonably healthy and socially skilled person and go from there with my thoughts.
    INTJs naturally seek their value in their intelligence; it's also something highly valued in others. Some INTJs only see this as book intelligence; others (like me) learn to see this in all sorts of skills. If he's male and INTJ, it's likely drawing him into an arena where he's not competent is going to make him over-think everything to the point of inaction. There's a stereotype of PhDs being book-smart but a little socially awkward; how well does he fit this? If you're trying to engage him socially you might find he's soo out of his comfort zone that he closes up.

    Can you use NFJ skillz to meet him in an arena where you don't feel intimidated by him, and he doesn't feel incompetent? Any shared interests?

    Also, INTJs tend to be paranoid about people "wasting my time." Which isn't to say that he thinks any individual that wastes his time is a waste of time themselves. Instead, he probably has an extensive mental list of Things to Accomplish. And being an Ni dom (INxJ), as I'm sure you know, sometimes it's hard to deal with real life enough to the point where you're really mastering things like you dream up in Ni land. So often he's probably making a pro/con list of what he's achieving by talking with x person, and if it appears there's more cons he probably is thinking of getting out of the conversation.
    (Note: This sounds really cold. My experience is that it's more of a reflection of my desire to be valued as competent and ingenious, which, when mixed with a near-impossible standard that we set for ourselves, is a constant let-down. Plus we're always pretty sure we could achieve our plans if we just had more time and resources to devote to it. It's not so much a reflection of the people we interact with as it is our natural psyche.)
    That being said, when I don't feel stressed with my course load, I'm pretty decent at setting interpersonal interaction and relationship-building as a goal, and genuinely enjoying my interaction. Perhaps you could plant it in his brain that he wants to get better at interpersonal relationships?
    Also: When people tell me what I should do, it makes me stubborn enough to avoid doing it at all costs sometimes. (If it's relatively trivial.) I still handwrite in all-caps because my grade 7 English teacher told me it wasn't appropriate for handwritten assignments and it made me never want to write "properly" ever again just to spite her. And she was my favourite teacher, btw. I loved her! I just hate being told what to do.

    I read on another forum an INTJ father with an INTJ son saying how if he wants the lawn mowed, instead of asking his son, he makes the teeny-tiniest mention of how he himself wants to get to it later in the day after he's run his errands, and by the time he's home, his son has mowed the lawn.
    We love doing things for others if we know they'll value them. It also feeds our need to "understand"--if you drop tiny clues he might chase after them. (Don't be resentful if he doesn't get it, though.) Just don't expect him to listen to you directly telling him what to do.
    *You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
    *Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.
    C.S. Lewis

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