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  1. #11
    Senior Member Bella's Avatar
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    Oh, okay, thanks.
    yesiknowimamiserablegrouchnowgoawayovmeleor

    It's Mizzz ST, thank you...

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThatsWhatHeSaid View Post
    My mom and I have this kind of relationship. In fact, I think it's a common male/female thing. She wants to "chat" and I just want to get the fact and get off the phone. Your being nervous on the phone makes me feel like he's irritable and reprimands you for trying to connect to him. I resent it with my mom not being I don't like connecting, but I don't like being forced to connect like that. I see it as needy and as requiring me to respond and connect. I don't like forcing myself to feel ANYTHING, even connection. I prefer it to be natural. It's the INT side of me coming out, you could say. Maybe he's the same way.

    What I always tell my mom (and I'm suggesting you try it) is to put down the need to connect for a little while and just let things be. If you have something to say, say it, but let him start to feel like he doesn't HAVE to connect to you when he talks to you. Be yourself, and find your own interests. If he can add input, go for it and ask him, but don't just ask him to make conversation, because he'll (it sounds like) notice it right away. Practice genuine communication for a while and see where it gets you. I would guess that the more freedom you give him, the more comfortable he'll be. But you want to really let go for a while, if you can, not just pretend.

    I'm going to rename this thread, otherwise you won't get more than 10-20 responses. (Unless you post a hot pic as your avatar.) If you'd like it changed back, let me know. If you want to respond to this post, by all means. If I can help, I will.
    It may be more of a mother/son thing than just male/female. I have an ESTJ (I think--of course he would never be tested) son who calls every couple weeks to make sure I'm doing all the right things to "take care of myself," but it feels like a duty call and his phone battery always "dies" as soon as he has all the facts or finishes giving me all the advice he seems to think I need. Yet he can talk comfortably for hours--and even confide in--my ESTJ roommate of 15 years, who helped raise him, and have no problem with his phone. I envy the easiness of their relationship and have tried to imitate her style with him without much success.

    OTOH, my current lover--admittedly a *very* different relationship--is an INTJ and he's the one working at doing the connecting, maybe because I'm not trying so hard, maybe because he's lots older than my son and has developed his feeling side or at 64 rather than 24 has come to value connection; I don't know. I do know with him, I just enjoy who he is and yes, while I try to draw him out sometimes, I stop when I sense it's getting to be too much for him. And I *never* chat, though that could be because I don't really chat with anyone. Come to think of it, though, I do try chatting with my son just because I don't know what else to do.
    It's a blessing...and a curse.

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  3. #13
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    You're right, I should have clarified that.

  4. #14
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    As others have said, I see this sort of pattern in mother/son relationships -- and I've especially seen it with ISFJ moms dealing with N kids.

    You're INFJ, not ISFJ, but in my experience INFJ and ISFJ women seem to have a lot in common in how they approach motherhood. I think also the need to hear specific tangible details (i.e., concrete info) about your son's life is probably conflicting with his headiness. And most moms really are interested in those details with their children, but while the daughter might comply (I think a lot of being a woman in western culture involves family details/management) and even be interested as well, the son is interested in other pursuits and just doesn't see the point sometimes in maintaining intimate knowledge of one's daily life with his mom.

    His being INTJ probably just exacerbates things. You're not going to make him do anything he doesn't want to do. You might just have to accept what he can give you, while continuing to encourage deeper dialog so that he knows you're there and interested if he gets to a point in life where he does want to give in that way.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  5. #15
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    I'm dating an INTJ that I love very much... unfortunately sometimes it is really hard to make small talk. Sometimes I'll go visit him after getting home from work in all my ESFP glory and start spilling my days trials and tribulations in one giant dramatic performance that most people love to watch only to be interrupted and find that he hasn't heard a word I said. I have to be saying something highly intellectual to get him to listen intently and thats kind of rare with me. I'm better off getting his attention by being incredibly witty.
    But we've learned to accept our differences and know what makes eachother happy/ and or annoyed....

    So, I don't think there is an answer to have a better relationship with your son. It sounds normal, actually. You can show him that you love him by listening to his "lecturing" showing interest and asking relevant questions.... As far as small talk goes, you might have to adjust your small talk to something that interests him more... (stuff in the news??) I think as long as he keeps visiting, writing, communicating then you'll know that he loves you and he's making his own sort of attempt at a relationship. And instead of saying, "you don't ask me anything...." possibly try, "I'd love it if you'd come for lunch soon (or whatever activity) and we could catch up!" (it sounds like it has more of a purpose..)

  6. #16
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Your son is 34, has a carreer and a family of his own. How much interaction are you expecting with him?
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

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    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

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  7. #17
    On a mission Usehername's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    As others have said, I see this sort of pattern in mother/son relationships -- and I've especially seen it with ISFJ moms dealing with N kids.

    You're INFJ, not ISFJ, but in my experience INFJ and ISFJ women seem to have a lot in common in how they approach motherhood. I think also the need to hear specific tangible details (i.e., concrete info) about your son's life is probably conflicting with his headiness. And most moms really are interested in those details with their children, but while the daughter might comply (I think a lot of being a woman in western culture involves family details/management) and even be interested as well, the son is interested in other pursuits and just doesn't see the point sometimes in maintaining intimate knowledge of one's daily life with his mom.

    His being INTJ probably just exacerbates things. You're not going to make him do anything he doesn't want to do. You might just have to accept what he can give you, while continuing to encourage deeper dialog so that he knows you're there and interested if he gets to a point in life where he does want to give in that way.
    x2.

    My mom stopped asking me about my day when I was 15 and flipped out at her for doing it, explaining to her exactly how stupid it was and how it wasted my life, after spending years of giving a one-syllable answer until she was satisfied with the amount of information she pulled out of me. Really I would've had the patience for it if she would've given me alone time first after a whole day of school and forcible interaction.

    Are you just trying to be chatty? I hate chatty when I haven't had alone time. Maybe try a meaningful discussion?
    *You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
    *Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.
    C.S. Lewis

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