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[ENFJ] The ENFJ Facade/Fakeness

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
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You're so lucky to have a twin - it sounds as though you help to balance each other out...

Indeed. :yes:

Though we got into an argument last night that to me was her Si/Fi versus my Se/Fe. Messed up! We go at it hammer and tongs sometimes. *laughs* But you know, a half-hour later, it's "I'm sorry if you're sorry" and it's over. :D
 
Joined
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Why on earth would I discuss something I have no feelings or thoughts on?

Did you read the first part of that sentence? If you don't mind that your emotions might be trampled upon, then it obviously doesn't apply to you.
 

Brendan

Guerilla Urbanist
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Apr 23, 2007
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Did you read the first part of that sentence? If you don't mind that your emotions might be trampled upon, then it obviously doesn't apply to you.
... Yeah. That's one of the conundrums we're talking about. I do mind.
 

WieldingTheSword

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This thread is older and I didn't read all the other posts, but I'll reply anyway:

I am totally aware of my facade in public. I have a way of reading people so well that I can mirror exactly what it is they want. I come off highly charismatic, interested in their lives, and friendly. This isn't to say I may not actually feel that way, but I usually overdo the extent to which I truly feel any of this. I may also act very confident or at ease in social situations. Yet the real me, I find, is much deeper, complex, anxious, and cynical of people than I let on. I am only real to a few close friends who have been able to see past my fakeness and call me out on it.
 

dee

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Ok for me, I can totally mirror people, which is something I need to control, or I loose myself. There are times, especially with very strong type personalities that I even feel it's impossible for me not to mirror them, which is a little scary.

I guess, when I am really just me "me", then I can be a really cool sweet person, but most of the time, when I am not me "me" and just the social lady, then I am just nice. Other times, when i feel intimidated by stonger type personalities, I will even come off as shy (whilst "trying" to be myself) But in front of them I'm scared to be myself because I am too worried what they will think about me, so...

ok weird, anyway, you get the picture, I am not trying to be fake it's more trying to be nice or socially acceptable. And maybe I'm worried that the real, just plain old, say whatever you want to say "me", won't be liked. So therefore I simply can't be me in front of everyone, cause I'm scared of rejection.

Deep.

cheers, dee
 

kendoiwan

I am Sofa King!!!
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I dated and ENFJ minister, and all I'll say is: if her flock only knew her like I knew her :newwink:
 

WieldingTheSword

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.

ok weird, anyway, you get the picture, I am not trying to be fake it's more trying to be nice or socially acceptable. And maybe I'm worried that the real, just plain old, say whatever you want to say "me", won't be liked. So therefore I simply can't be me in front of everyone, cause I'm scared of rejection.

Yes, exactly.
 

kendoiwan

I am Sofa King!!!
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ok weird, anyway, you get the picture, I am not trying to be fake it's more trying to be nice or socially acceptable. And maybe I'm worried that the real, just plain old, say whatever you want to say "me", won't be liked. So therefore I simply can't be me in front of everyone, cause I'm scared of rejection.

Yes, exactly.

Yes hiding the crazy is always good :yes:

j/k :cheese:
 

Domino

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*smears Kendo with peanut butter and feeds him to the chickadees*


I know what a facade is, and I try not to employ one unless I'm up to my eyes in a bad situation that needs saving. I can go chameleon and fit most places, but I'd rather not. It's too much of a strain, and plus, I don't feel that I'm truly making a connection which is the whole point of my life really. Making connections and trying to gain an understanding of others. How can I understand them if I'm wearing a mask?

My ENFP twin remarked not long ago that she didn't know a single INFJ/ENFJ who didn't have an outward persona of sorts.
 

LindseyLadybug

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Oct 18, 2008
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Yet the real me, I find, is much deeper, complex, anxious, and cynical of people than I let on. I am only real to a few close friends who have been able to see past my fakeness and call me out on it.

I am not trying to be fake it's more trying to be nice or socially acceptable. And maybe I'm worried that the real, just plain old, say whatever you want to say "me", won't be liked. So therefore I simply can't be me in front of everyone, cause I'm scared of rejection.

Some ENFJs I know were appealing to me at first because of their charisma and friendliness. But I've never gotten a chance to observe them being completely real and open. (Though I'm sure there are people in their lives that they are close to and completely open with.) I do what I can...proving myself trustworthy, sensing their needs and stepping out to help, trying to show my feelings/sensitivity more so they can feel safe doing the same, etc. As a result, I have caught glimpses of their true selves and I think it's beautiful. The depth, complexity, and yes even the cynicalness and anxiousness are what make you guys unique and special. To an extent, I can relate to these internal characteristics.

I can tell when ENFJs are putting on a friendly face but suffering internally and it breaks my heart to watch. There are people who want to help and love you....but they can't if you're rarely ever being "you". I’m not saying the balance is easy to maintain because I know it's a very delicate balance, and I'm not saying that I have it all together and figured out because I don't. I’m just trying to offer some encouragement. You might be surprised by how many people would accept the real you if given the chance. :hug:
 

Nonsensical

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Hate to say it, but a few ENFJs that I know do this..there's this one, my dad's co worker who comes over on occasion, and she acts all mushy and lovey-dovey and treats me like a 5 year old, and they are always asking you if your "ok" and sometimes, it drives me nuts. but that's only a few of them I know. On the brightside, they do care, and can be there for you when you need it. I personally like ENFJs in general, despite a few things.
 

Domino

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That's the thing - I don't relate to that "she was all mushy, lovey-dovey" angle. I'm not that way at all. In fact, my sister has to run me down and hug me once she's thrown me to the floor. The other ENFJ I know isn't mushy either. We both care very deeply about "our people", but public displays? No. We can be stand-offish and rigid and not know it.

I frequently feel as if I'm an INFJ being forced to live externally which can be excruciating.
 

soleil

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Oct 9, 2008
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Very accurate! That's what I mean when I say that I'm open but nobody really knows me. Meaning that I can tell all sorts of stuff but I'm not really tellling anything about me. I can tell everybody facts about my life but I'm not still revealing myself. I'm letting only very, very, very few people to see inside of me (and I don't mean physically inside of me, :D)

Oh definitely. I couldn't agree more. It's funny because a friend of mine told me that I tend to talk around things without revealing any real personal information. Facts sure, but not too much more. Only to a select few.
 

WieldingTheSword

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Some ENFJs I know were appealing to me at first because of their charisma and friendliness. But I've never gotten a chance to observe them being completely real and open. (Though I'm sure there are people in their lives that they are close to and completely open with.) I do what I can...proving myself trustworthy, sensing their needs and stepping out to help, trying to show my feelings/sensitivity more so they can feel safe doing the same, etc. As a result, I have caught glimpses of their true selves and I think it's beautiful. The depth, complexity, and yes even the cynicalness and anxiousness are what make you guys unique and special. To an extent, I can relate to these internal characteristics.

I can tell when ENFJs are putting on a friendly face but suffering internally and it breaks my heart to watch. There are people who want to help and love you....but they can't if you're rarely ever being "you". I’m not saying the balance is easy to maintain because I know it's a very delicate balance, and I'm not saying that I have it all together and figured out because I don't. I’m just trying to offer some encouragement. You might be surprised by how many people would accept the real you if given the chance. :hug:

This was all very sweet, Lindsey :).
 

WieldingTheSword

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Very accurate! That's what I mean when I say that I'm open but nobody really knows me. Meaning that I can tell all sorts of stuff but I'm not really tellling anything about me. I can tell everybody facts about my life but I'm not still revealing myself. I'm letting only very, very, very few people to see inside of me (and I don't mean physically inside of me, :D)

Oh definitely. I couldn't agree more. It's funny because a friend of mine told me that I tend to talk around things without revealing any real personal information. Facts sure, but not too much more. Only to a select few.

YES YES YES, THIS IS IT EXACTLY! LOL. Every person pondering the ENFJ must read this. It will all make sense then!
 

Anja

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So I'm wondering how it feels to be an ENFJ who feels a lot of responsibility to make others feel comfortable. Is it sometimes so much of a burden that one has to constantly look on top of things?
 

WieldingTheSword

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So I'm wondering how it feels to be an ENFJ who feels a lot of responsibility to make others feel comfortable. Is it sometimes so much of a burden that one has to constantly look on top of things?

Yes. You constantly have it in your mind how everyone feels/is going to feel/felt about the situation and what you can do to make it all ideal. I guess I see it as a burden, but at the same time it is very much who I am so I am used to it. If it is truly taxing, I no longer even notice.
 

Anja

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I was thinking more about "fakeness." A lack of authenticity doesn't have to mean manipulation or hidden agendas.

Sometimes it's a manifestation of a person's own confusion about who they are, what they need and therefor how they want to present themselves to the world. And, as so many uncomfortable feelings people project, they are contageous.

In a sense, we become uncomfortable around someone who isn't completely in touch with what their feelings are or what they want at the moment, because we become unsure of how to respond to what we see as unauthentic.
 
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