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  1. #31
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by substitute
    Yes it's true that we don't click with everyone but there are such things as mixed signals... if you don't see someone as material for opening up to or friendship, why invite them to your house for dinner all the time? Why sit with them in church or hang out with them when you've a large choice of other people? Why call someone and ask them out for lunch all the time? And if you don't want them to confide things in you and don't want them to think you're making a friendship with them, why ask them personal questions? That was the problem - they wanted to know everything about me and hang out with me and stuff, yet revealed nothing back. The mixed signals was what screwed with my head and caused an irrational and unwise response in the end.
    Yeah, I understand inviting people over to be sociable, just because I grew up with that concept, but I don't understand asking people personal questions and offering nothing in return. I'd have definitely stopped answering all the personal questions pretty quickly.

    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    Welcome, Jim!

    I do get told with some frequency that I'm hard to "get next to". I don't do this on purpose at all. I just have my natural instinct to like/help/socialize with people (which is genuine) pulling against my need to protect myself (which is also kneejerk).

    If I'm not putting myself out there, it's because being an Fe primary is already difficult and I have to *somehow* control what affects me. It seems strange to be innately driven towards what can profoundly harm you, and yet that's how I feel.

    I try to make myself more "available" but it just doesn't happen. Getting me in "available" mode is one of those highly specialized moments when I feel absolutely safe.
    This resonates a lot with me. Also, I think I like a lot of people from a distance more than I like a lot of people with a desire to be close to them.

  2. #32
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    Welcome, Jim!

    I do get told with some frequency that I'm hard to "get next to". I don't do this on purpose at all. I just have my natural instinct to like/help/socialize with people (which is genuine) pulling against my need to protect myself (which is also kneejerk).

    If I'm not putting myself out there, it's because being an Fe primary is already difficult and I have to *somehow* control what affects me. It seems strange to be innately driven towards what can profoundly harm you, and yet that's how I feel.

    I try to make myself more "available" but it just doesn't happen. Getting me in "available" mode is one of those highly specialized moments when I feel absolutely safe.
    Nicely said. I experience this too. It feels like an emotional rollercoaster. lol

  3. #33
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    Wow, that explains a lot!

    Really wow though, it really does!! Cos I'm also driven strongly to socialize and put myself out there, but yet with me there's always that NT detachment that sorta keeps me 'safe' in the sense you mean there. So I guess that's why it would hugely confuse me to have someone advance, then pull back, advance, pull back - the mixed signals i referred to earlier. The idea of needing to 'keep safe' just isn't something that would occur to me...
    Oh yeah, I can absolutely see why it would be confusing for those on the outside. *I* don't even fully understand why I behave the way I do. Having things pull powerfully at my emotions 24/7 is exhausting. Some times I can take it, other times, I simply can't and immediately submarine.

    I have some examples.

    1. My ENFP twin.: She's this huge red target in my life. I have never felt so compelled to protect someone. For the last few days she's been wearing a heart monitor to track what ever it is that's going wonky. She had to leave it on for 48 hours. It was a nuisance but we figured out how to get around most of it.

    Two problems: seeing her with more medical equipment attached to her (made my Agent Orange act up like you wouldn't believe, but I stifled it), and the fact that she got horribly ill the day she had it put on (which had me AND my mother up almost til sunrise trying to get her out of pain). I can't tolerate watching her suffer. I mean, I tolerate both her distress and mine and really just bear down for the duration, but after it's over? I'm usually wound really tight and irritable. Why? Because I was deeply distressed and anxious. I take on her distress without knowing it. There's no way I can't enter into someone's pain or horror or fear or glee etc. Objectivity doesn't seem to exist.

    She's learned to live with me, knowing what I'm like, but I can still exasperate her. She lets a lot of stuff go because she's way more chill than I am and she knows how much I love her and that I'm irascible by nature, and that I'd pull myself apart for her. Still, sometimes, it's "You moody animal! You make me crazy!!!"


    2. I had mentioned (yes this will sound ridiculous, but what ever!) the NFJ-ENTP soap opera couple before and I'll do it again today because I think it fits. Today, he was telling her that she's not dead (just because her loved ones are), that she's feeling sorry for herself/being a victim, and that she's stopped trying. This lead to an angry outburst/meltdown on her part (I could see a lot of myself in that - that's what fear turns into... anger, frustration), and he grabbed her arms, got into her face, and told her that people still loved her and that it was okay to be afraid and angry if she just kept TRYING.

    It was said and done in so archetypal an ENTP way. I have no clue what it is about you people, but it's always something, even if it stings, that makes me feel like I'm in control of myself again. My twin has this affect on me too, (Ne primary?) but there's something about the NT way of it that makes a difference.

    Plus, he kisses with his eyes open. It's just bulletproof. Somehow.





    You see? If he'd just said that, I'd have totally understood! lol
    I know. My sister says this too. She has a fit with Dad sometimes, and it's my job to go talk to him when "NFJness" is required, like I'm the interpretor.

    I think the one thing that INFJs get saddled with even worse than us Es (though I'm a borderline E/I) is the inherent fear of exposure. My INFJ dad and I seem to get each other on most any level, and yet he pulls back at moments when I'm throwing my shoulder against the gate. Know what I mean? I think I alarm him. The two of having a conversation together, I'm told, is quite the sight. Both of us coming up and then submerging, coming up, submerging, all in the same conversation.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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  4. #34
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    ENTPs don't bother if they don't care.




    Quote Originally Posted by Tallulah View Post
    I'd have definitely stopped answering all the personal questions pretty quickly.
    I push for authenticity and yet when I'm the one being asked, I actually start shaking sometimes. I get very wary and start throwing up shields, even with people I like.


    This resonates a lot with me. Also, I think I like a lot of people from a distance more than I like a lot of people with a desire to be close to them.
    Well put, Tulls!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Hmm View Post
    Nicely said. I experience this too. It feels like an emotional rollercoaster. lol
    Fe is the dog that bites the hand that feeds it. You have to come at it like a stunt man - different explosions require different landings, and if you use Fe, there will be PLENTY of explosions and it's YOUR job to figure out how to land without hurting yourself.

    No on/off switch either!! The devil/angel flip-flop continues.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  5. #35
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    If you read up on thew personality type, you would see that ENFJ's have a high set of standards that they hold everyone to, including themselves. They keep the dark parts of themselves that would be viewed as inappropriate inside leading to a very gentle and fragile person that they defend fiercely. As an INFP, I like people as they are, but ENFJ's are a real treat to me for the strength and gentleness dynamic.

  6. #36

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    Quote Originally Posted by jtanSis1 View Post
    If you read up on thew personality type, you would see that ENFJ's have a high set of standards that they hold everyone to, including themselves. They keep the dark parts of themselves that would be viewed as inappropriate inside leading to a very gentle and fragile person that they defend fiercely. As an INFP, I like people as they are, but ENFJ's are a real treat to me for the strength and gentleness dynamic.
    Agree ENFJs are sort of cool and sexy . They are so supporting, even when you know it is a fascade, and it has an NF type sincerity that makes you believe it. Or at least want to. Too much of it wears me down as an ENFP though, because you want to get onto something more deep. But still, I love them.

  7. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jim View Post
    At work today, a colleague said to me 'I feel like you're hiding who you really are from me'
    I've gotten that impression from ENFJs I've known...and I'm slow to assume a facade in people. There's one at my work who talks to all of her coworkers like they're a customer. Sort of a female Lumbergh.
    I don't wanna!

  8. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by booyalab View Post
    I've gotten that impression from ENFJs I've known...and I'm slow to assume a facade in people. There's one at my work who talks to all of her coworkers like they're a customer. Sort of a female Lumbergh.
    Really? I'd argue I'm less robotic, but y'know, some people can be awkward. One thing I don't like is when I'm talking in a group of people, and there's just one person staring at me, like, what is the deal with that?

  9. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by booyalab View Post
    I've gotten that impression from ENFJs I've known...and I'm slow to assume a facade in people. There's one at my work who talks to all of her coworkers like they're a customer. Sort of a female Lumbergh.
    Booya...What's happening?

  10. #40
    Senior Member VanillaCat's Avatar
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    I've known two ENFJs who are known as "Fake."

    I got to see what's really inside
    They're quite interesting and amazing.
    It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on his not understanding it.

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